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The Ramifications of Technical Virginity

I love dreaming about my wedding. White dress with silk sleeves, curly hair with a braid on the side, a veil that comes down to my waist. What's best is that I have a young man who wants that with me too.

However, every time I dream about my wedding, I succomb to tears. Because I don't think I deserve it.

The whole meaning of marriage is to dedicate oneself to another from there on out, but I've been taught that in retrospect, that marriage means you have kept pure for the other instead of focusing on the gumption that you will. Although I feel both components are important, I've been guided (perhaps wrongly?) that it's all about the former. So in my mind, due to choices I made in the past & situations that I let arbitrate my decisions, I feel ruled out, like I didn't make it to be bridal material, like I don't deserve to have my veil lifted.

Although I'm still technically a virgin, I feel stained. I don't feel as pure as the white on a bridal dress. Sure, I've never taken part in vaginal intercourse, so according to Merriam-Webster, I'm just fine, home free. But the dictionary fails to address the emotional repercussions of giving myself that shortcut, that archaic "as long as your hymen isn't broken, it's fine."

I guess what I'm getting at is, just because I'm a virgin on technical terms doesn't mean I am a virgin emotionally. I feel I ripped my future husband off, in a way, because I didn't wait for him beyond guarding a piece of flesh folded over my vaginal opening. I didn't save myself for him the way he did for me. He's never even kissed a girl before me, & here I am, having been defiled & used, chewed up & spit out, the vomit of other people's one-night stands. And the tragic thing is, I have too much respect for him for him to be with someone like me. Needless to say, there's going to be problems.

The Ramifications of Technical Virginity

Girls, if you haven't already, please don't give in to whatever may drive you to make an emotionally deteriorating mistake. It doesn't necessarily have to be sexual conduct. And if you're already sexually active/engage in casual sex, I'm not telling you that you need to resign for that. Just be careful, & please, please be careful so you don't get hurt. Don't end up like me, who wasn't equipped for the ramifications of biting off more than I could chew, & now feeling unworthy of love at its highest measure.

Guys, please consider this before you do something with a girl that could leave her in an emotional wreck, deficit of being able to open up to the man who will come along & fall in love with her. Sure, she might seem like the type of girl that wouldn't be hurt or care, who could handle any emotional setbacks of casual sex, but what if she's not? What if it leaves her broken down the road?

Just some things I've been thinking about.

Peace out.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hun, I pretty much fucked my way through the whole catalog when I was young.

    Did that make me less beautiful, in that sparkling, pristine, blindingly white dress I wore on my wedding day?
    Hell no it didn't.

    That boy, he just whitewashed everything else out of my entire life. I never regretted any of my past experiences, and still don't... but that boy just made them all distant and irrelevant. Just blasted it all away, right along with all my "fuck love" and "fuck marriage" and 66 other brands of oh-hell-no that I'd carried around for my whole life up to that point.

    I walked up to him, in that white dress, and gave him all of myself. Forever.

    Not just X fraction of myself. Not "leftovers". Fuck that attitude, girl. The sun was out yesterday, and the wind blew yesterday. Does that mean yr getting "leftover" sunshine today? Feeling "leftover" breeze on yr face?
    That's no way to live yr life.

    I gave that boy all of me. No one else has "taken away" anything. The hell if they could. From that boy? Not a chance.

    You need to start thinking of this like sunshine, and wind, and rain. If 5 billion people enjoy the sunshine today, then 5 billion people's lives just got a little better... and 100 percent of the sunshine is still left. (:

    There's wedding tears and there's wedding tears. Make sure yr crying the right kind of wedding tears.

    Oh, and?
    If yr standing up there, and these thoughts are intruding into yr mind, but HE's looking at you like you are perfection itself?
    Then he's right, and yr wrong.

    <3

Most Helpful Guy

  • You're taking shit waaay to seriously. In the end, no one cares.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I feel like a lot of people are going to trash this mytake and say that casual sex is fine and sex isn't sacred and blah blah blah.

    But I, for one, agree with you.
    You might be going a bit overboard (and you should definitely cut yourself some slack - you deserve to be married even though you made a few mistakes! You didn't make the biggest mistake, which is having sex, so seriously you should try to forgive yourself and let it go), but I agree with you on principle.

    I am sorry that you feel so badly about what happened. You should try to lighten up about it, even though it's hard and it goes against everything you believe. If you dwell on your mistakes you won't be happy, and you didn't do anything so horrible that you don't deserve happiness.

    • ^^^^ Very well said.

  • I agree with @lumos You need professional, board certified, *psychiatric* help.

    Where or how some guy's penis has touched you doesn't affect your worth as a person. Emotional affection is not a finite resource. You don't run out of love for other people because you liked someone in the past. A marriage doesn't succeed based on how many guys you kiss.

    That's plain stupid. You are not a stupid person so don't play into this bad logic.

  • Honestly whether or not ur worry of being this man's bride isn't ur decision to make. It's his. If he says he still wants u and ur worthy then u r. End of story.

    Also u said that guy's should consider the girls emotional state, I think that goes both ways. Guys don't have a steel heart with no emotions like they're often made out to be. We have feelings too. Now I get it, for the most part guys aren't as emotional about sex as their female counterpart but it's still possible

  • And this is why I'm disgusted by the concept of virginity generally. People get brainwashed into thinking sex is some disgusting thing that makes you a disgusting, used up person who doesn't deserve anything. Sex is not disgusting. Having sex does not make you disgusting, or "used up", or "leftovers", or whatever bullshit people like to call it these days. Gaining sexual experience is not shameful, as long as you're being responsible and safe.
    You need therapy.

  • Very nice take. I agree 100% with you on everything. Girls (and guys) don't tend to think of their future spouses when in a sexually active relationship. This is why I haven't done anything sexual or kissed yet. I want to remain pure. But remember, you are not broken. Everyone has regrets. But remember that your husband will love you for you. The past is in the past.

    • Thank you. You think I can still be pure?

    • It's what is in your heart that matters. If you are pure in heart and soul, then yes. Keep loving yourself and make that agreement to yourself that you will only give any of yourself to your future husband.

    • ^^^ This

  • That's right technical virgins are not trully/fully pure, because they had done sexual things with their exes. If the girl want to trully keep herself she should not even make out with an guy, because even "only" kissing someone else count as cheating in relashionship.

  • I love this Take 👍🏼 thanks for sharing!

  • You're just making your life harder than it has to be.

  • Well, it's a real mans job to whisper sweet nothings in your ear, to tell you what wonderfull person you are, to give you a hug and rest your crying head on my shoulder and make you completely forget all that negative stuff as if it never happened.

  • Did you had anal or bjs?

    • in my opinion both void virginity as thoroughly as vaginal.

    • @jacquesvol Agreed

    • @jacquesvol In stricter religions dry humping would end virginity.

  • Eh... is virginity (physically or otherwise) that important? Unless you are still emotionally attached to the lost love before then don't bother. You have loved before. Never forget that love but always remember you now love someone else.

  • This is why the fixation on virginity alone is harmful. Oftentimes it misses the mark, and gives way to silly Scholastic philosophizing where people miss the entire point. Traditionally the true aim is sexual purity--mentally and physically in all regards. Virginity is merely one component of this but does not compose it entirely. Hence why even though I'm a virgin, I would never consider myself sexually pure with how many times I have masturbated, lusted in the heart, and looked at porn. St. Basil the Great once famously wrote that even though he has never touched a woman, he is not sexually pure.

  • I think anything done sexually isn't a true virgin, because its still called experience, nothing is wrong with being who you are. Everyone is a sinner. Just because you lost virginity or something doesn't mean you dont add up to getting married. You would still bring God joy for getting married.

    • I didn't lose my virginity.

    • I know I stated that in the first sentence.

  • If you've had anal and given bjs to tons of men, I do think a guy who actually saved himself will be bothered.

    Solution... give up on the whole waiting until marriage thing and settle down with a promiscuous guy. You'd be more compatible and have similar experiences to relate to each other.

    • We love each other though. He doesn't hold it against me. I hold it against myself.

    • If he doesn't care then don't worry about it

    • Uh, its up to whoever she's interested in to decide if he thinks they're compatible. Also, there is much much more to compatibility than sexual experience.

    • Show All

  • Didn't I comment on this mytake like a week ago? Can't find what I said b4... Anyway, I agree with U that technical virginity is kind of silly. A sexual act... even if it's mild, it's still sexual. Of course it'll impact how U feel. But if ur guy is happy with U, that's what's important.

  • if youve given bjs or anal you're not a virgin. i wouldn't lie to your partner.

  • This take is just going to put doubts in impressionable young girls minds. You act as if you have such regrets but remain with a cover photo that we can all see your panties in. The guilt must be killing you

  • You are *not* a virgin. Don't kid yourself. And the amount of mental gymnastics it takes, to rationalize taking it up the ass and still believing you can honestly call yourself a virgin, is impressive to say the least.

    • I haven't had vaginal intercourse.

    • She''s taken it up the ass?

  • Aw. That isn't fair to you.

  • Yeah, no one gives a toss about virginity. I personally am a bit wary of the idea of marrying a virgin. I'd rather a girl go around the block a couple times, have fun with the boys, and when she and I meet, she gets to know me, and she thinks wow... this is what I've been looking for.

    A virgin will never offer me that. But by all means, there are guys out there who will tell you that unless you wear a niqab and have never touched a male hand, you're not pure enough to marry.

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