Sexual Relationships
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To Those Who Are Conflicted About Their Kinks and Fantasies

To Those Who Are Conflicted About Their Kinks and Fantasies

In my time dating, I encountered any number of vanilla women. I had a well-deserved reputation in the local BDSM community, aka the scene, for dating vanilla women and showing them the delights of “The Dark Side” as we called it. A lot of Doms asked me how I did this plus here on GAG I get questions on similar subjects. In these situations, rather than typing the same answer/opinion over and over, I opt to write a My Take. As with all my writing, I welcome any feedback on this. My handle on GAG is AustinMan.

I discovered I had a really intense thing for the female derriere when I hit puberty in about fifth grade. It intensified in high school. I also began to have fantasies about soundly spanking those sweet, round bottoms as well as reaming them passionately. I sneaked my dad’s cribbage board out on a date in high school and gave Jane a hot, hard spanking. She loved it.

A lot of women don’t even know they’re kinky until someone like me wakes it up in them. I found that if I asked a woman how she would feel if I tossed her over my knee and gave her a hot bare bottom spanking, they would more often than not start squirming in their seat, wet between their legs. They often love being dominated sexually, both physically and emotionally. In short, a lot of women are sexually submissive and many, many of those are masochistic to varying degrees.

In college and after, I began to feel very conflicted. I was the head usher at a big church and worked very hard to be the perfect gentleman. I was torn between my two lives: my public or real life and my sex life. I kept trying to reconcile being a really nice, kind and helpful person with my fantasies and practices of doing wicked, painful things to these same lovely young women.

After some therapy, I finally decided that those two parts of me are independent and asynchronous. I can be the usher with the coeds at church and then make them completely and roughly mine when I get the chance.

If a woman asks you to do something you fear will hurt her, ask her for a safe word, a word she won’t normally use during sex but can easily remember under duress. If things go too far, all she has to do is say that word and everything stops on a dime so you can talk about it but until she does, she wants you to go all caveman on her. Now, if your heart’s not in it for other reasons like you’re just not kinky, there’s not much to be done and my experience tells me you should split up. Kinks come from deep in our psyches and leaving them unattended usually doesn’t end well.

In summary, it’s like Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Set a safe word and then enjoy. Some of the ladies might disagree but I found that it was much better for both of us if I just did what I wanted and if she didn’t object, I’d keep going.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Good Take. I am a Dom and most of the women I've ever dated were already in the Scene when we met. I came to the scene by way of the post-industrial subculture (what I like to call "Dark Culture"), which has a lot of crossover with the BDSM community. In that club, it's almost weird if you don't have a kink, and there certainly isn't any shame about it.

    The few times I've been with a vanilla woman, I've just been straight up honest about what I wanted. It always worked out well. I am now of the opinion that most women are submissive and on top of that there are a few who are dominant but still want to be with someone who is more dominant than she is. I mean, it's a broad generalization (pun intended) but it's a reasonably safe assumption.

  • I'm not conflicted about whether I think it's right or wrong to have kinks and fetishes

    there's nothing wrong, girls, with liking bdsm, you're not being raped and you're not having dreams about being raped. YOU LIKE BDSM, GIRLS, DEAL WITH IT

    anyway. i just, dk, why my kinks and fetishes are. if any. i just don't

    • There is no why. There is just is. I feel like they come from deep in our psyches and they just come out.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Good mytake. You're right about most woman being submissive and wanting the caveman... it's funny though how much we preach about wanting otherwise though!

    • well he;s partially right. male submission and female dominance are just as much a kink. But that is much less popular and most likely not pursuading vanilla women into. Submission is more popular for women so naturally more women who are vanilla because of 50 shades of grey and all that. They will be more likely fiind themselves getting into it.

    • @brennanhuff femdom may be a kink but it is deviant rather than naturally occurring one.

    • well bdsm stuff in general could be seen as deviant even if male dominance. I mean we have societal standards for good reason of it being wrong for a man to be physical, violent or hit a woman because of the physical differences. Yes it's consensual and in the sexual realm, but still, for instance a man choking a woman during sex and then that's supposedly normal or scary for a man to be comfortable with? Both have deviant, fetishy, extreme aspects to them. I don't know what's naturally occurring about a man being really rough considering the societal standards of said males being rough with women. I don't find it natural to throw a woman around, because of the protective nature and chivalry aspect to not doing that.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • well... I'm all together a cute cuddly silly person I like being told what to do but cared for at the same time 🤷🏽‍♀️

    • How do you feel about a hot, hard erotic spanking?

    • I feel interested 🤔

    • Have you ever had a painful erotic spanking? Ever had a lover hurt you at all?

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  • I used to really be into the sub/dom type sex/relationship, with a few friends with benefits types back when I was very non-committal. I'm not anymore but I do understand the attraction to it, and the people who belong to those communities. I had to get out eventually. With one partner I felt the dominant role often spilled into our non-sex life part of the friendship, and I only wanted to be submissiive in the bedroom (or dungeon). Also with both of these partners once we "went there" it became only about mixing pain with pleasure during sex and there were sometimes that I just wanted vanilla sex. I asked one of my doms if he would ever just be gentle in bed once and a while and when he said no I felt really hurt, like he only cared if his needs were met, but not mine. So I walked away (and that was painful in itself) but we remained friends. I do like your take on the community though and reading it makes me understand both of those doms a bit better. I also do think vanilla couples could explore it responsibly. I think with any couple though knowing what you like in bed and how you want to define your sex life is just as imporant as knowing what you want out a life, a job, a relationship etc.

    Thanks for your take!

  • that's the point though, these women even if vanilla can be persuaded into kinks and fetish stuff to an extent or bdsm. I mean look the the popularity of fifty shades of grey. But your point doesn't really count all the way because submission is just as much a kink or part of bdsm. If this were the case vanilla women would be into doing those kinky things for submissive man right? I highly doubt that. It's only if it;s a kink that has the man dominant and woman submissive.

  • Well... I don’t think this is a sexual issue. That may sound weird given the context of the conversation, nonetheless, let me explain.
    I think that men and women have certain gender roles which are larger than any social norm, but that are genetically ingrained. You’re probably right about most women being more submissive. Its a personality trait, an emotional proclivity that is a part of the whole person.
    100 years ago this would not have melded so poorly with daily life. 100 years ago men lead and women obeyed. 200 years ago women basically belonged to their husbands.
    I think that it’s not a sexual trait. It’s a personality trait, one that in our modern society is shameful. So perhaps we’re all overcompensating sexually, because although gender roles are not socially accepted, sexual promiscuity and sexual deviance is. In fact it’s celebrated.
    You’re behavior is not unconnected to your real life. You’re not two different people. You just have a totally normal, throwback urge that you can’t express in public due to a culture shift, and neither can the women you introduce to it.

    • Well said minus some grammar issues. Given current social norms, the only socially acceptable time for a man to dominate a woman and the only time she can submit safely in a social context, is sex.

    • Yeah sorry about the grammar. Ever since I got into poetry, I use punctuation to indicate length of pause. It’s a habit I cannot seem to break.

  • I believe everyone has their kink, but few recognize and explore it. Good take.

  • Lol.. What a fucking pos you are aren't you.. Does that make you jealous? That no one would EVER want a dirty whore pos skank after you've been with them...

  • I’ve kind of had this fantasy about being tied up and dominated but how to you even bring that up to your partner

    • You ask him about his fantasies and offer to tell him one of yours if he'll tell you one of his. Start light and work up to the one you really want him to know.

    • it probably awkward to bring up at first because you don’t know how your partner would act me personally I probably would not be freaked out by out but guys can be different I have a talk to see what he likes what’s his fantasies etc and the tell him yours

    • This makes me wonder if a game of 21 questions based around sexual fantasies would be a good way to find out the kinks and the fantasies of the partner would be a good idea -and to also decide on a safe word.

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  • Good myTake, I really enjoyed reading it.
    Kinks shouldn't be shamed or judged negatively.

    Although there can be the ugly eventuality a person gets obsessed with their kinks and only sees their partner as a mean to satisfy them and not as a person.
    I know something about it.

    • Wow really?

    • @bloodys2 Mind your business.

  • Very enlightening and open for serious consideration. I do not consider myself as a DOM, and definitely not into BDSM. But I do have to take the initiative all the time for any sexual activity, and unless she attempts to stop me or change something we are doing, I will continue on my escapade towards our sexual fulfillment.
    I don't know about Vanilla Women, but my wife definitely shows no initiative to change anything about what we do. She seems to enjoy being worked up to her Orgasmic high, although not by penile intercourse (I don't seem to be able to do accomplish that, no ejaculation anymore), but by Oral Sex. I love going down and eating her out and sucking her juices, and I think she also enjoys it because she does have an Orgasm or 2 while I'm between her legs with my face enjoying her pussy.

    As I've mentioned in previous opinions I'd love try Anal , but she's not willing for that.

    • If I have a "kink", I guess it would just be my fantasy being able to suckle my wife's breasts like a nursing baby while she is lactating, and drinking her warm protein-filled milk. ANR Adult Nursing Relations.

  • No conflict here.

    Very nice take.

  • Well put!

  • I want a man who can dominate me but also let me take control sometimes (only sometimes). I love teasing and love to make a man feel weak here and there.

    • Well well some one is fantasizing

    • I am the dominate

    • @Shedrickb122 At least learn the proper forms of the word before you try to take charge. Dominate is the verb, e. g. I dominate. Dominant is the noun and adjective form, e. g. I am the dominant.

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  • My kink is nowhere near as acceptable as yours is. I like it when women mock my cock and want to bite or cut it off. I’ve been quite conflicted about this my whole life and it’s caused me much anxiety but OMG does it turn me on! Obviously it’s not realizable other than play and women don’t seem to understand this at all. Hell I don’t understand it either and would much rather be rid of this fetish... other than than I’m a very dominant man in all other aspects of my life. I know that this does exist because there are many websites and shared confessions on the Internet. Many obviously aren’t doing well with them because when they share online they are extremely pushy and needy and oftentimes downright rude. So do you think that links even as bizarre as mine are still healthy to share and explore?

    • Let be honest with you. You talk to your guy/girl whichever to find where they stand now if they are a curious mind and new to kinks and the scene to bdsm it is best to not reveal this kink ad of yet. You stayed minor kinks you both could agree to do start slow so the biting the hair pulling nails down the back are typically a good three to introduce to a new comer. Depending how far you and your partner want to dwell into this world kinks become much more desirable the same thing won't stop the crave some people hold for long then you bring it up to let's see restaurants, playing with the senses (example would be blind folding, ball gag, even gloves). Now eventually your partner will know all of you so it isn't a bad thing to bring this kink up but don't do it right away.

    • I’ve always waited a long time to bring it up and they’ve always been willing to play some with it, but I’m not sure that it’s healthy to accept and pursue... seems like no one really knows where some kinks come from but they are there nonetheless. Nothing you can do to get rid of them it seems.

    • Well there is you see this world there's dozens all you have to do is explore kinks read up on them. All you do is merely find one healthy and safe. Trust me there's some weird shit out there and that's coming from me I like this weird shit.

  • Yes sir. Congrats. You have one of the most widely accepted and sought after kinks in the world.
    I do feel so much better.

  • Look, make sure both parties are okay with it, talk about it extensively so there's no misunderstandings, communicate during the sex itself and just try to find a way both (or multiple) parties can enjoy.

  • Good MyTake. Safewords are really necessary

  • I have a femdom kink, and I wish people would be more tolerant of it

    • I don't think it's a problem of tolerance I think it's a problem of there are almost no women who like it.

    • @LtJackass it refutes the point of the op saying vanilla women can be persuaded in getting their kink out. That's only partially true, if it's male dominance, female submission. Male sub and female dom is just as much a kink just much less popular.

    • Hey hey hey, well there is millions of women who like it, if not then how do all these dominatrixes exist?

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  • Its fun for guys not girls

    • It depends it you're into it. I mean, you might not have a kink for spanking, but you could be into roleplay (yes, something else that can feature in BDSM but like I said, it depends on whether you're into it). There are many different kinks... yeah, it can likely be included with fetishes... I dunno, I'm a virgin who's never dated - I just read fanfiction and watch porn so yeah, I mean, my fantasies would put me as a switch even though I know that I'm likely a sub. Won't stop me from dreaming.

  • I want you to dominate me

  • If there's one thing I've realized, you don't talk about this with girls your starting to talk to or even date so I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Mine is the type it might make a girl laugh or she might be like :- ... that's all I will say.

    • And I bring it all up before we have sex so we both know where we're headed and both in the boat on it. Works great for me. I've never had a girl refuse.

    • You have only encountered one kind of girl then Austinman

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