"Using" Someone For Sex and "Players" DO NOT EXIST, People

This is my first myTake, so if I miss something or leave out anything pertinent, forgive me. I don't think it'll be particularly long.

I spend a lot of time on this site as some of you may have noticed; I think it's fascinating to regard peoples' different opinions on life, the universe, and everything in it (mostly sex, hormones, romantic aspirations, physical attraction, and all related matters), whether they have any logical or substantive reasons to think the things they do, or not.

Often in topics related to romance, specifically the questions written by a female perspective, I see examples similar to "Why is he doing X to me?" or "Why is he acting X way?" The question always seems to verge into the banal and ordinary at first with "Things have been going well" but (there's always a but), "but why is he suddenly acting X way like he doesn't like me any more?" And then, inevitably, as sure as the sun rises...

"...Is he just using me for sex?"

Now, this very, very rarely occurs with a guy talking about a girl in the same fashion in a comparable post. But in the *thousands of posts* I've viewed and commented on in my time on GaG, I've noticed it... four or five times? So this is indeed a girl-ranting-about-guy-behavior sexual topic, and THAT is something I notice every single day at least two or three times.

^ So why did I post that pic? Why an eye roll? Why is the concept of "using me for sex" or "using you for sex" or "using" ANYone for sex, to quote @Mllecake, "lowball ass-chatter?" Well here's why: You can't have your cake and eat it too. What is "using" someone for sex? Simple: We call it sexual assault. If it isn't sexual assault, there's no "using" taking place. If a girl willingly has sex with a guy, even several times, then she is doing it because she wants to; she cannot then later claim that the guy is using her or used her just because things don't go well, or she didn't get out of him *after the fact* something that she wanted from him. And if she doesn't want to have sex with him, then she shouldn't fucking have sex with him-- it's really very simple.

So what is desired, in these cases? Oftentimes, that something is a relationship. Monogamous commitment. Or perhaps even an engagement, if they've been together for a while. In reference to the "friend zone," which many girls pooh-pooh as an immature concept because it's not something they usually have to deal with, a paraphrased popular narrative is "A girl is not a person that you drop enough friend coins into and then eventually you are granted sex." And I agree-- that mostly makes sense, right? It's a heavy dilution of a sensitive topic for lots of guys, but succinctly summarized, it's pretty much true, yes? So then a guy is also not a person that you drop enough sex coins into and you are then eventually (or immediately) granted a relationship or "something more" or marriage or Come-meet-my-mom-and-all-my-friends.

A truth in this life is that everyone has the right to self-determination as long as you're not hurting someone else; a person is allowed to be sure of themselves, and *own* themselves, and their body is theirs and no one else's. No one has the right to rescind that (outside of imprisoning people for violent crimes or whatever). No one has the right to physically or violently violate your body, your wholeness, without significant cause. Your "body is a temple," for lack of a better phrase. This is a popular narrative in feminism, and it should be, because it's true. So then, people are capable of making their own decisions about their own bodies, yes? Including girls/ladies/females/women? Obviously yes? Since they're, you know, people? So then how can so many girls clearly make the decision to do with their bodies what they *choose* to do, and *want* to do, and then later hypocritically ask why, or claim that, the guy is using them for sex? Which is it? Which way do you want it?

The term "use" implies that a person is doing something with an object of some kind that they are in control of and the other thing isn't-- you use a hammer to drive in a nail. You use a car to get from point A to point B. You use sunglasses to shade your eyes. You use a girl to orgasm. ....One of those is not like the others. I'll let you guess: Which is it?

Sometimes, some girls make much pomp and circumstance about being objectified by guys, and how that's immoral... or something (even though other girls in equal numbers seem to actually enjoy being objectified/lusted after-- in a safe fashion of course-- judging by everything seen on GaG). How far are we going to take this drivel? What, if he really really enjoyed the sex then he used her? Or if he didn't, it was using? Or if she really liked it, it was using her? Or if she didn't like it that much, it was using her? Or something? Or if he didn't text her for two or three days after, it was "using?" He's a "player?" Please... spare us. It's nonsense. It's absurd. It's ridiculous.

This Take is also directed to all the guys (the sheeply plethora that I've seen, sadly) who stupidly push the same narrative in attempts to be supportive of the girls who make these posts. Examples include the same thing: "Yeah he sucks, he doesn't deserve you," "he sounds like an asshole," etc. Bro... *you* sound like a complete fool. I get WHY you are saying these things-- like I already said, you want to be supportive! Girl is upset-- back girl up! Make her feel better! Give her an online hug! Come to her rescue! There's nothing wrong with that, right? Supporting others, being sympathetic, is a good thing in the big scheme of life. Unless of course... the cause you're supporting is a foolish, illogical one.

This is very, very, very simple: If she wants to have sex with the dude, then fine. If she doesn't, she doesn't. She can't then basically get buyer's remorse for not getting a label or a ring. I mean, she CAN, but then that makes her exactly one thing-- a hypocrite.

And once you've become a hypocrite, your opinion is worthless. You lose.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I agree in part, women should know what they are agreeing to. But men should also be responsible for their actions.

    I think many women learn after the first time... The first time generally being when they are teenagers and some guy pretends to like them until he gets sex then jokes about it with his friends... They try to avoid that.

    So they wait, are more careful and the next time they are sure he is someone who loves them, they are together 3 months and then she finds out she was just one of his side pieces...

    The point being, it is a large investment to put your love and energy into someone just to find out it was a lie, and there is no way to prevent that, there will always be a better liar.

    The same applies to the "friend zone" comparison. The difference isn't that they have control over their bodies and don't want to have sex with them... It is the same exact betrayal.

    A guy pretended to offer something, be it friendship, love, or a relationship, and lied about it to get what he wanted. Trying to be friends is just the first step in manipulative behavior that later becomes the "using her for sex" type after he learns that trying to be friends to get sex doesn't work.

    • Cool, trying to be a hook-up with the aspiration of later being a fiancee or wife if that's not what he was looking for is just the first step in manipulative behavior that later becomes the "this whole thing is bullshit" type after she learns that trying to have sex a lot = you have to commit to me or you're a baaad person or some stupid shit, doesn't work.

    • I don't think I've ever met a woman who tried hooking up with someone with the intention of being in a relationship with them... Might be a generational thing but that doesn't seem like female behavior whatsoever.

    • It's not generational. Unless you mean 18 year olds today. I'm 28 now and at least two girls I've been with did that. One when I was 19 and she was 18, then another girl when I was 23 and she was 22. They said they were okay with seeing other people, but later admitted they agreed and hoped I would change my mind (after sleeping with me). It's not uncommon and many girls do it. It's a bad idea, but I equate it to the guys who pretend to want more and don't. They didn't have the courage to be honest and risk losing the person in front of them, because they feared they wouldn't want the same thing.

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  • If they have that "right," who bestowed it? And what is the implied attached responsibility to not hurt others through its exercise?

    Using others is very much a thing. It's not about rights or self-determination either. It's about having no integrity. It's understandable for someone to fear that in another.

    However, the real problem is that many girls tend to think random joes on the web are going to be psychic enough to decode every single motive of a poorly-described set of actions. Details need to be infinitely more complex than that, more so than those girls are willing to deliver. And even that is no guarantee.

    There isn't a one size fits all answer. Here's a hint for these gals: if he doesn't trust you enough to tell you how his mind works, he's probably not ready to take things to the next level. And if you're giving him sex before that, then you're not showing proper respect for yourself.

    • That is... not the point of the Take. I hear you, but I can't say I agree. Mostly talking about your last part.

  • In many cases, nowadays, the ulterior motive is to have sex. Is that the bottom line? It's sad but it's quite true. There are real players who will play and prey on others to quench their thirst. You gotta be able to recognize the signs as soon as you can.

    • ... Huh? I'm not sure I understand you. The ulterior motive to having sex is... that you want to have sex?

  • If a girl wanted an relationship, while the guy had humped and dumped her, then he had used her, and girls are usually less into casual sex then guys, except for very slutty girls. No anything that is immoral, is illegal, so it's not necessarily about rape. In any case, a man's sexuality is not the same as a woman's sexuality.

  • People do often use other people specifically for what they can get whether it's for sex, for money, for contacts or just for a place to live rather than because they like that person in anyway. Players defenitley exist, I know a few.

    Player
    Players can be male or female. They are usually slick, dress nicely and are very charming.

    They prey on people socially usually looking for sex or money. They have a way of befriending people and making them feel important, before they use them to their own ends.

    Players make horrible friends or “significant others,” because they will “Judas back stab” and hurt you in any way possible if it is in their best interest.

    They have no loyalty to anyone but themselves.
    “ Reiner is one heavy-duty player. Make sure he doesn't bed your wife or pet poodle.”

    Player
    A male who is so skilled at manipulating women that he can "play" all of them at once by having strictly sexual relationships with all of them at once because they are so taken by him. A real player has many girls that he can call at anytime and have sexual intercourse with or accompany him to wherever he wishes. A real player's many women also are aware of the other women but are so into him that they do not care and/or it makes them want him more, to be the only one for him.
    "damn, that guy just stole the other guys girlfreind and now she's walkin off with him and leaving the boyfreind in the dust!! and that was only after he talked to her for five minutes while the boyfreind went to get drinks!! that guy is forshiiiiiiiiizzzzzle a player."

  • Use takes the actual definition of use here. You can use someone for sex, it basically means to be in a relationship with someone who you have no intention of actually upholding the relationship so you can have sex with the person. This is what it means and it does happen. Whether or not the girl wants the sex is irrelevant, sex is a part of the fulfilling relationship they want. Sexual assault is sexual assault, using someone for sex is something different than sexual assault. The girl wants a fulfilling relationship, and amazingly when someone says they want to be in a relationship with you, you think they want to be in a relationship with you. Big surprise. Using someone for sex is manipulating someone into having sex with you under the guise you want a relationship. It's okay to just have sex to have sex, but both parties should know your intentions. This weak ass mytake isn't really going to overwrite these inherent truths.
    I did like the sex coins thing though. It's clever and it's also true.

    • Sorry. No.

    • @DevikaButts95 Read the other anonymous chick's long well-thought out comment here, and my reply to it. I think you think the same thing she does, based on what you said, and it's crap. No offense.

    • I just explained what it meant to use someone for sex. It wasn't an opinionated explanation, it's factual.

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  • I kinda agree with you.

    • Why's that?

    • Well, you're generally right about it takes two to tango and if not it's sexual assault. What you're not adressing is people being manipulated. Now, of course we're all responsible for ourselves. But we're also not perfect. *Especially* not when we're in love. Love makes people blind, weak, and vulnerable. And taking advantage of that can be seen as being used. This is especially true for young, inexperienced women.

    • It sounds like you don't agree with me.

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  • Would kinda break the mood tho if halfway thro flirty u were like : just sayin if we fuk id wanna date you afterwards just sayin.

    • Uh no, exactly. Things left unsaid are still things left unsaid.

    • I agree here. We can't expect other people to be mind readers, and most women would do well to remember that a lot of men are very happy with low commitment sex, so if that's not the kind of sex you want, as a woman, you will have to be the one to say no. I think men owe it to women to be clear about what they are offering too though. I think everyone owes that to everyone in a relationship, and if you're not getting clarity when you ask your partner, then maybe that's not the partner for you. Men AND women need to learn how to say no to partners who aren't offering something suitable. The problem comes when people try to hedge their bets by agreeing to something they know isn't suitable, such as the man who KNOWS the woman really only wants commitment, he doesn't really want that, but sleeps with her anyway, not telling her he's got no intention of being serious. That's only one example.

    • It's not just men doing something shitty to women. I have personally had to say no to sex with men who wanted more out of the relationship than I did. It isn't something that is all just one direction, man using woman. I would have been using those men for sex they didn't want, and I knew it, so I turned it down. What does it really all come down to though? It's better to be honest and not get laid, than manipulative or scheming and getting laid. There's nothing especially honest about expecting something of a partner that you never even told them you wanted though, and that goes for both parties in the dynamic.

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  • You can very much be used, boy or girl. If one person is a deceitful human being posing to love you just because they wanted your body, that is using. There are plenty of people who pretend to be emotionally invested when really they only like the idea of having you around or they were really after you for the sex. Some people play games. That doesn't mean the victim is ALWAYS the oblivious one. Some people are just really good at lying.

    • Yeah I like playing Xbox too. Shadow of Mordor is a nice one. Lol there's no such thing as "playing games." There is no "victim" here. Victims are people who have had a *crime* visited upon them. You're kidding right?

    • Not kidding. It happens. People really do act like they're in it for more than just the physical. It can be a man or a woman. I mean, maybe that doesn't apply to you and maybe you don't manipulate other people to get what you want. But there are billions of people on this Earth and you are just one person with one opinion. It's optimistic that you think that way, that there is no such thing as playing games. But it happens. It is what it is.

    • No... it doesn't. And again, if a chick doesn't get a relationship out of a guy that she has sex with, and that's what she wants, and he doesn't, then fucking *don't have sex with him again and don't text him and if you want to, block his number and block him on social media.* What about this is hard?

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  • "If a girl willingly has sex with a guy, even several times, then she is doing it because she wants to; she cannot then later claim that the guy is using her or used her just because things don't go well, or she didn't get out of him *after the fact* something that she wanted from him."

    👍 You are spot on with this statement.

    • Thanks man.

  • Thanks man, I'll make sure to call girls out on this bullshit every time I see it from now on.

  • Nice.

    Obviously a guy who tells a girl they are in a relationship and is sleeping with others on the side is a cheat... But up to that point, it’s all kosher and the girls have every opportunity to walk away.

  • Bs. Some people will fake being genuinely into you JUST to get the sex. Now thats "using" someone for sex. As in they fooled you just to be able go sleep with you. That is what people mean when they say someone used someone.

    • No, it isn't. No one *makes* you have sex. That's called "rape." "If a girl willingly has sex with a guy, even several times, then she is doing it because she wants to; she cannot then later claim that the guy is using her or used her just because things don't go well, or she didn't get out of him *after the fact* something that she wanted from him. And if she doesn't want to have sex with him, then she shouldn't fucking have sex with him-- it's really very simple."

    • They may not not even realize they weren't faking afterall even if that was their plan until much later. It's nkt possible to separate tge two and only inexperienced people will make this mistake. Its hard to forget once it does happen to them.

  • The point I disagree with you on most is - Anyone has a right to their opinion, even hypocrites. How seriously it's taken, that's where we can agree to differ.

    Otherwise, yes, I agree with you. Guys don't owe a girl who's had sex with them a relationship or a title let alone a ring. But with any transaction, there's usually an agreement. And when you engage in sex with someone, you agree to a certain level of basic respect for the other person's well-being and comfort. Thus, texting someone or checking up on how someone is doing after sex seems just the friendly thing to do. It's got nothing to do with monogamous commitment or any kind of exclusivity, it's just simple courtesy and shows a level of : I respect you beyond just the physical pleasure that you were able to provide for me. I'm your friend/someone who cares.
    I'm concluding that we're talking here about guys who ghost. And when I say ghost, I mean, totally disappear and never call/text back at all, show up 8 months later at party (presumably even with another person), can't look you in the eye and hardly say hi because they know their behavior was crappy. Then call two weeks later and ask if you were up for sucking their dick. I would definitely call that using.

    But yeah, sex alone is not a ticket for commitment. It just doesn't negate basic courtesy and respect.

    • To add: It's an output vs. expectations thing. If the expectations exceed the output, you're in trouble.

    • Yeah well said. Still disagree that a hypocrite's opinion matters though. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

    • Then it becomes a free speech thing

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  • Base premise I agree with. There is no "using" someone for sex. If there is, then the same could be said about a girl "using" a guy for a relationship/stability/all that comes with a relationship.

    But players exist. Guys that do/say whatever to a girl in order for her to willingly have sex with him. Yes it is her choice, but a player lures a girl in with false pretenses. Obviously in many cases the girl just assumed things and the guy did nothing deceptive, but we can be real and admit there are guys and girls that do this.
    Players exist, but "using" people does not in the sense that it is labeled.

    • All in all. Good take. Pretty insightful on some points.

    • Can't say I agree, but thanks for reading.

  • Pretending to care about someone and only dating them for the sex
    while having them convinced that you're "different" IS using someone.
    But I will agree that players don't exist.
    The only "players" that exist are the ones that can't get laid;
    unless they get with an easy woman or rape someone.
    The ones that can get laid with someone that actually
    likes them for them and not simply because they have a penis,
    are the ones that choose to take it slow and go for the girls with standards.

  • The claim that he was using her is the same old victim-status tripe as its always been. If he was "using" her, then it semantically removes blame from her for giving it up on the first or second date, and shifts the blame to him. Same as the "he turned fuckboy" routine.

    A hoe who does hoe shit, and then blames her hoe ways on someone else, is still a hoe. If she wasn't a hoe, he wouldn't have been able to "use" her.

    Now, if she waits until they discuss and agree on a committed relationship, and then he bails as soon as he hits it a couple of times? I can see her saying he used her.

  • I've never used anyone for sex.

    • I don't believe you.

  • Very interesting take to read

  • Sorry, no. Not only are you wrong but the arrogance with which you deliver your wrongess is pretty offputting. When you talk about using someone for sex it usually means deception is involved. A girl, for example, may be perfectly willing to have sex with a guy at some stage of their relationship given that the relationship has advanced to that stage first. The guy could be absolutely misleading her about his feelings though, lying his ass off, and have no interest whatsoever in a relationship.
    If she knew the truth, she would not have sex with him. But because of his lies and deception regarding his feelings and the state of the relationship, they are having sex.
    He is using her for sex. Plain and simple.

    • Cool, read some of my comments here since you're so upset about "using" and see the ways in which girls use guys. Don't know why you're only concerned about the guy part of it. And, again, did she want to have sex with him or not? This isn't like buying a car or something. It's not a business transaction. "You give me a relationship and I'll give you sex." How fucking patronizing is that mindset? She wanted to have sex, and so she had sex. People are either responsible for their decisions, or they aren't.

    • My comments apply equally to guys and girls. It can go either way. That's a weak criticism. Reverse the genders in my example for all I care, it doesn't matter. You're being really pedantic here. Surely even you realize that different people are comfortable with sex at difference stages of a relationship. Some people will have sex on a first date. Some people won't have sex until they are exclusive. Some won't have sex until they have verbally committed to each other. Some don't want sex until they say "I love you". Some don't want sex until they are married. If, for example, you are one of these people who doesn't want to have sex until one of these later stages, and someone lies to you about where the relationship is just to have sex with you, they are using you for sex. The only way this is not the case is if you redefine the concept of "using" someone to the point of irrelevancy. Your argument has no foundation whatsoever.

    • "Where the relationship is?" What, is this a map? Where are we heading? And no sir, your comments do not go both ways; you made it pretty clear with your example you gave. Sure, it's easy to recognize that people have sex at different times and with different comfort levels. How do you actually *know for a fact* what someone else's comfort level is? Can you see inside their head? Read their thoughts? Nope, but what you CAN recognize is, "hey this person is having sex with me; presumably that means they're comfortable with it or else they wouldn't be doing it." What I am mostly referring to in this post is people who, AFTER THE FACT, decide that they aren't getting what they want. No one is talking about lying one way or the other. You and many other people have brought up "What about lying?" And, uh, yeah-- what about it? Does it seem like this post is about lying to the person you have sex with?

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