Was I raped? I didn't want to do it but I didn't say no?

I told a friend about what happened recently with the guy I used to date. She told me it was a rape and I am in denial. I don't think so. What do you think?

I live in Japan and I had been dating a Japanese man. The last time we met, he was very upset because I told him I wanted to go back to my country soon 🇫🇷. We went to his place, he was not as sweet as usual but we started to do it when suddendly he said that she had drunk and smoked too much weed and that we will do it tomorrow before leaving for work at 6am. We fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I felt a hand touching my boobs and that woke me up. I changed my position so he couldn't reach them anymore. I just wanted to sleep. Then, he got closer and he tried again and I just pushed his hand away. After a few minutes, he rapidly take off my panties and move my body to penetrate me. I was half asleep, I couldn't even open my eyes, I just reach out my hand to check if he was using a condom. Of course, he couldn't go in because I was not ready, so he simply chose to put some lotion on to penetrate me. I didn't want to do it. I felt like crying. I was moving my face aside whenever he wanted to kiss me, but I didn't say "no" or "stop it"... I just wanted it to be over soon. After awhile I just asked "Are you done already? did you cum?", He answered "no, almost", then he finished, kissed me and went to work.

I hated him after that and never talked to him again. Neither did he.
Updates:
+1 y
he said that *he had drunk
+1 y
What should I do?
0 0

Most Helpful Guys

  • No.

    He treated you badly, and you're not wrong to have not wanted to be with him after. And you probably should have said no, with clarity, and I don't know if he would have respected it or not.

    Whether you wanted to or not is not, actually, what makes something rape. Consent and wanting are different things. If I really want sex, but tell someone no and they do it anyway, that IS rape. And if I don't want to do it, but decide for reasons other than being threatened to consent, that's NOT rape.

    it seems that you were clear you didnt' want foreplay, but when he switched to just having sex, you effectively consented to 'him just getting it over with'. Couples do sometimes engage in sexual activity where one is just getting it over with for the other. Sometimes with resentment, sometimes because … they don't mind but really do just want to meet their partner's needs and go to sleep. Legally, in most countries, affirmative consent is NOT required, only a lack of the person saying no. I think people should seek affirmative consent, but in particular, given your past history and being a couple, a 'lack of no' is most likely to be understood as consent. He tried several things, and you physically showed no to them: to your breasts being stimulated, to kissing. But in terms of actual penetration? You checked if he had a condom, and asked him if he was done.

    • Thank you for your opinion! 🙏

  • Really not rape. I do sympathise u.. but u gott think about it rationally:
    1. U were aledy having sex b4 so it can be expected when either one is horny
    2. When u seeing sm1, its norm to always ask if u wana have sex, its a given.. if u dont want to, u gotta b clear about it.
    3. U only half stopped..
    4. If it wasn't anal.. it can go in even if u r not ready.. it'll just hurt more
    5. Once he was in.. u kept letting him go on.. n even asked if he had cum
    6. U checked for condom, means u were ready to let him in.. just wanted safe sex.
    7. Its just a case of being with sm1, letting him fuck u while u weren't in mood.. in the end.. u did let him.

    • I see, thank you for your opinion

    • I can sense u dont agree with me

    • No I agree actually, except for the 6., catching aids or other stds is one of my biggest fear, so even in this situation, I would automatically check, plus knowing he doesn't like to use condoms

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girls

  • If you where half asleep and couldn't consent then ya that's definitely rape also remember to be more saver in Japan next time Japan is know for having a big rape problem I would if reported it but in the Japanese justice system is very messed up they believe there is such a thing as consensual rape.

    • Thank for you opinion! Wtf wow I didn't know about consensual rape in Japan But in any case, I wouldn't have any chance in justice, as a Japanese man vs a foreign woman will always win in Japan..

  • Tough one. He should have stopped and asked you what was wrong for sure, but like you said, you didn't actually tell them to stop.

    • Thank you for your opinion!

  • that is rape, but not a situation that would legally get him into legal trouble.

    • Yes I understand, thank you for your opinion 😷

    • Not accept that pathetic excuse. Being drunk doesn't mean it's ok, they can still control those urges even if they are drunk or high. It's a myth that sexual assault can't be controlled because of alcohol or drugs

    • Yes I agree about that!

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 4
  • If you wanted to press charges you'd have no case. Society still believes in the "no means no" doctrine. He should have noticed you were pulling away. That should have prompted him to ask. Since you didn't really resist it wouldn't appear to be rape, but I think it qualifies.

    • Thank you for your opinion I don't want to press charges, if I would want something I'd want him to realize what he did and apologize

    • You could tell him that you felt violated. It's just hard to take him to task, because I don't even ask each time I have sex with my girlfriend. Granted she is always receptive to foreplay and has told me beforehand if she isn't in the mood, but I will have sex with her as long as she hasn't indicated her unwillingness

  • By not telling him to stop means it’s not rape.
    He should apologize though, that was really insensitive.

    • Thank for your opinion!

    • You’re welcome 😎

  • You were raped. Silence is not consent.

    • 😣Thank you for your opinion!

  • wish he treated you better:(
    if you had me as your boyfriend, id never be bad guy to you

  • you were raped, even if you didn’t say no you still didn’t say yes either so you did not give consent.

    • I see.. Thank you for your opinion 😣

    • No problem, hope you’re okay ❤️