Was this consensual?

[Anonymous]

Warning, this might be a little TMI and NSFW but I'd just like more input. I'm a bit of a late bloomer and only just had my first kiss a few months ago at the age of 21. I've been fooling around a little with the same guy since, but things escalated a few days ago to the point where I lost my virginity.

I was giving him head (my first time ever doing so, which he also knew) and he just pushed me down and got on top of me. I didn't know what exactly he was trying to do until he tried putting it in. At that point I sorta panicked and asked if he at least had a condom. I wasn't really ready to have sex yet but I tend to have a hard time asserting myself and just kinda froze up.

The actual sex wasn't as painful as I was expecting. Don't get me wrong, it did hurt quite a bit. It just wasn't nearly the "tearing in half" feeling I thought was gonna happen. He wasn't really gentle though. Wasn't exactly rough either but he never asked if I was ready and just started going at it. And yes, he did know it was my first time. I was apparently his first virgin though so maybe he just didn't know to be slower?

I just... I guess I'm not entirely comfortable with the way it went down. I'm definitely not blaming him or anything like that. I never asked him to slow down or stop and tried to hide the wincing, so he might not have even known I was hurting. He did apologize after, saying that he "got carried away" and that he didn't mean to be that rough if he was. He's normally really careful about hurting me and asks if I'm okay with what we're doing, he just didn't this time. I'm not sure if sex just brings out a different side of people or what.

I talked about it with some close friends and they said that it was technically assault since I never gave explicit consent, but I don't know. Not gonna lie, I feel like he might've taken a little advantage of my naïveté to the situation but at the same time, I might've unintentionally lead him into it. Thanks for any help here

[monavics]

I disagree. Do you actually stop & verbally ask the guy if he wants to have intercourse, or wants you to touch his genitals or if its ok to open mouth kiss... or are you expecting him to ask you & you are simply okay with assuming that is what he wants because he proceeds with it?
Making consent about language & nomenclature is a very unnatural and ineffective way to engage in sexual activity. It also means that people with poor language skills, strong speech impediments, or a mouth full of someone else's body parts are simply unable to provide informed consent in a spontaneous way, if there don't make prior preparations.
This is not fair or wise.
A better way to determine if something was consensual is to be even handed in the way you evaluate consent vs. rape. If you expect someone to verbally ask for your consent, and not proceed until it is unambiguously & categorically stated; THEN you should, so long as you are physically able to, be equally willing to explicitly state, clearly & categorically to the person that you DO NOT consent to a particular activity or wish for all activities to cease.
One of the things I most worry about when it comes to my sons & even friends and myself being with a new partner is that many girls are simply too shy or feel too awkward saying NO loudly, or telling the guy to stop loudly or angrily... these same girls often lead a guy on for months dropping hints that they are not interested in them romantically but not giving them the courtesy & respect of an honest answer when directly asked! Ie) Would you like to go to a movie with me? Answer: I would but I have plans with a friend already. Or "I have a boyfriend" etc. Which to many men, simply means the woman is potentially interested in them but they need to watch more attentively for the right opportunity to ask them again... often, the poor guy really just likes them and is patiently waiting for the right time and being persistent, in their attempts... & they aren accused of being creeps or not taking a hint.
Sometimes girls behave like this in sex as well; the guy may be genuinely asking for and checking for consent & have high regard for her, and want to show her his best behavior, sometimes that would mean showing her he is a fit and dedicated lover in bed, who can take charge & be a strong man, SO if you want him to stop- tell him! Be fair! Men can't read minds! re-state://background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft, p

[kkirk4442]

He definitely took advantage of you, and it was likely assault. The only modifying factor is that you said at least put a condom on, which may imply consent. That is, may imply. I don't know as you could prove anything, however. I strongly suggest that you get rid of this guy. His actions were completely out of bounds, predatory, and completely disrespectful of you. You don't lead a guy on to sex, by giving him head. You were performing a sexual act on him, not giving him permission to have sex with you. Just as if you kissed him, it doesn't mean he can give just jump on you, take our clothes off, and give you oral sex. Even if he was very sexually stimulated, you were giving him a way for sexual release, through giving him head. There is no excuse for what he did. It's difficult to believe that if you stay around him, that sooner or later, probably sooner, you will be taken advantage again, sexually or otherwise, and that this type of behavior will continue. That is, he will keep taking advantage of you in various ways, including sexually. This kind of behavior comes from deep within, and stems from a bad place in him. Do yourself a favor, and get rid of him now. No discussion. No reason why. Just get rid of him. He may try to engage you in a conversation, so he can continue to manipulate you. Don't give him another chance, don't get in a conversation with him, that would lead to other chances to manipulate you, and on and on. That is how this kind of character works. If you get rid of him in person, have someone with you so he can't take advantage of you. If alone, don't answer the door, and don't accept phone calls. Make him gone. I know I', being a little dramatic, but this kind of guy will cause you a lot of trouble if you let him. Give him an inch, and he will take a mile.

[Asker]

I feel like the condom thing made it consensual, even if it didn’t start out that way. I’d feel bad just ghosting him like that though. Like I said, he’s been great aside from that. Maybe I’m just too naive to see it tho, I don't know

[kkirk4442]

While you gave him head, he just pushed you down, got on top of you, and you didn't really know what was going on until he tried to put it in. That is rape in my book, and in any book I know of. He may be great otherwise, but he's still a rapist, who took advantage of you. Great guys, good guys, do not do that. He used you, manipulated you, and raped you. I'm sorry to be pushing the point so hard, but you sound like you may want to continue some sort of relationship with him, and that could be disaster. And you don't owe him anything, He took advantage of you. And you didn't lose your virginity to him. He took it from you. You didn't even know what he was doing until he tried to put it in you. That's not consent. I don't mean to be pushy, but I'm trying to warn you. This guy is bad news, and he sounds like he knows how to manipulate you. That's why I'm saying just get rid of him, don't be alone with him if you do it in person. He's had years of learning how to manipulate women, and surely has done this to other women, and you are new at this and vulnerable. It's best to have nothing to do with him again. Period. Please. I would be saying this if you were my sister.

[Asker]

No I really appreciate it. Ig I’m just trying to play devils advocate here, but I definitely see it from your point too. Thank you for the advice ☺️

[kkirk4442]

By the way, the condom thing did not make it consensual. It was just you trying to protect yourself in a situation that you found overwhelming. Don't worry, I won't keep posting. No more bugging you.

[Asker]

No worries, not a bother at all! I actually really appreciate the sentiment

[offendedsorbet]

Consent isn't just verbal so he didn't have to wait for you to explicitly say yes.

Questions to ask yourself;
Did you want to have sex?
Was the experience just not what you expected?

To me it doesn't sound like assault but obviously that thought is up to you, just sounds like it wasn't at all what you expected and you are disappointed. Which is normal for a first time.

[integrale77]

It sounds like assault but it's really your call as to if he went too far and if you want to get the police involved.

Main thing to remember in the future encounters that at any point you don't want to continue you can say no. Don't feel you have to hide any discomfort he's causing from being too rough.

If your being intimate with someone they should respect you enough not to want to cause pain and will slow down or stop if they are hurting you but at the same time if you don't say they won't know!

[Asker]

Oh yeah I’m not involving the police regardless. I’m too embarrassed and there’s no proof anyway. Definitely agree with the last part, that’s why I don’t agree with what my friends said.

[kespethdude]

Simple flowchart of consent:

Are you 18 (or whatever the local age of consent is) or older? N -> Non-consentual
Y -> Did you EXPLICITLY say "yes" N -> Non-consentual
Y -> Did you withdraw consent during the actiivity Y -> Non-consentual
N -> Consentual

[kespethdude]

Repeat for ALL sexual activities. Each single one.

[Hmmmbetternothere]

Neutral on this one. The act of oral sex led to next stage. Hard one here. Hmm.

[Guardian45]

Okay, you can debate consent, but I want to discuss something as IMPORTANT as consent!

(1) Excellent communication between lovers, which means asking a lot of Qs during sex (how does this feel?, etc) and providing LOTS of feedback during sex (Oh yes, right there, just like that, Babe!, etc)

(2) Female Comfort. It means gus agree to ensure that the girl is ALWAYS comfortable, EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, seek confirmation!

(3) Male Control. Guys make sure you can ALWAYS control yourself. In most cases, guys can easily lose control and overpower our girl. DON'T! UNLESS, sgmhe give you explicit permission. For example, Babe, pound the sh! t out of me! Give it to me now, hard and fast!

[Valnac]

You are right, he should have been more considerate about your body and your feelings. I would not have done that like that.

[inquisitive173]

Did you enjoy it? I'm taking it that he finished inside of you.

[Asker]

I did not and yes he did, with a condom tho

[inquisitive173]

I'm sorry you went through that. I never use condoms tho.

[Asker]

It’s fine. To each their own