We can't really have sex but he won't even accept a blowjob? Why?

[JadedandConfused]

Quick backstory, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, we found out we were pregnant in December and he proposed to me in late August... but the last year has been lacking in affection from his side. He says his job is stressful which is understandable and I can't help but tie together sex and love; to me it's the ultimate portrayal of love. Now before I gave birth via c-section 2 weeks ago, we had a lot of scary complications with my pregnancy and had to lay off the sex much to my dismay; I was already feeling rejected and it just made it worse. And with a c-section there's even more recovery time; we're now going on 3 months with no sex and have at least 2 more to go... but he won't even accept a blow job and hasn't for a while. Why? His excuse is that I won't get anything out of it but I've assured him time and time again that I would; I actually love doing that to him and it DOES get me off. Sure I don't orgasm, but my main thing is that I can keep him satisfied and please him sexually, and that in itself is INCREDIBLY satisfying to me. His back-up excuse is that he "just wants to stick it in me" and therefore just won't let me. Are these actually reasons or is something else going on? My self-image has been severely lacking in the last year and his refusal to let me please him and thereby lessen the "blue balls" I have makes it worse, not to mention one of the last times we had sex he couldn't even maintain an erection in one of his favorite positions and it broke me. The last time we tango'd was nicer, he even stopped midway so he didn't finish too quickly, because we have had sex so infrequently that he cums within a couple of minutes and I'm left high and dry (which is also frustrating) but why and when did he learn to do that? 3 years in and he's finally considering me? And he won't even let me give him blowies to numb the pain? What am I doing wrong? Is he cheating, no longer attracted to me, or am I being dumb? Please be honest!

[justmeme]

Ok so it does sound some alarms in my mind but that's because I'm naturally suspicious and think the worst... are there any signs that honestly make you feel like he could be cheating? I don't want to go toooo much into that thought so I'm going to leave it there.

Having a baby can really change a relationship, having had complications with the pregnancy and a c-section probably has taken its toll. Obviously at the moment you are healing which is important and follow Drs advice on when it's safe to have sex again... is all I can say there.

As for the lack of sex it can't be helped but intimacy can be had in other ways, even if you both managed to take the time to spend it and he gave you a foot rub or massage where its contact and care it could help. Its hard when sex and love are equal in ones mind. Heck I'd even suggest some boob play but then i thought actually you may be breastfeeding so that could get weird and interesting 🤣

Blow jobs well urm i don't get why he's being odd about it especially as he should know you as a partner to know you get enjoyment from it and you wanting to please him is a turn on enough...

Its understandable to feel a sense of loss of desire because your body has changed you've just done this amazing thing of growning a human... and it will take some time to get used to the body your going to have. Don't be too hard on yourself do what you need to for YOU to love yourself whether its putting that little bit of make up on or whatever. I hope something I've said can be of some help and just know you aren't alone, and hopefully others will answer with their thoughts opinions

[JadedandConfused]

That's the thing, there was some infidelity at the very beginning of our relationship on his side when we were a long-distance couple and I decided to overlook it because I'm stupid like that 🙃 and there hasn't really been a show of loyalty from him in that aspect, every chance he gets to prove that I can fully trust him, he'll do the exact opposite and dig the hole deeper. I thought it wouldn't bother me if he proved to me that it would never happen again but he hides things from me and I catch him in lies from time to time, and it leads me down the same path of doubt and it becomes harder to forgive and forget. I can't tell if he's actually being increasingly distant from me with the lack of affections, or if it's me who's becoming distant because my head is stuck in the past and my depression from not having said affection is affecting us... like a "what came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario. I really do try to be intimate with him and initiate even minor shenanigans, or rather I did but I've just given up because it really hurts to be rejected by the person I love most... I'd love to give him a blowjob to help us both out, I do have a higher sex drive than him but I really feel like something is going on in a bad way, especially when he continues to avoid the bj idea and he doesn't exactly have a strong will in the times it matters most... and you're right about the boob play thing lol I feel a lot less attractive because I feel like I've already lost my identity as this woman who has a zest for life and love and intimacy, now I'm just a mom and it feels weird to think of my body as a sexual thing 😅

[justmeme]

Ah see now I have this extra information it really does add more worry for me for the situation and it is understandable you are feeling the way you are. With there being infidelity in the past there will always be the annoying voice in the back of your mind that says "is he cheating?". Another thing I didn't want to mention about your situations was the fact he proposed a kind of like well we are pregnant now, best accept my fate kind of thing rather than a genuine commitment to you. I honestly think that the two of you really need to open up the lines of communication and express how you are feeling about your relationship and the dynamic between you both. I worry that you are putting plasters on things and it's not going to fix the deeper cracks and it's a shame as you've just had a baby you are engaged so I'm assuming you want this to work out so definitely open up. I can't speak as a mum myself however I know from those in my life you can lose yourself and your identity however it's ok and normal but remember you can't pour from an empty cup. You will need to look after you to be able to look after baby too. It takes a village so where possible use your support system and don't be too proud to ask for help if you need it because honestly you will kick yourself later.

[JadedandConfused]

I won't lie, I have thought about that except the only thing that keeps me sane there is that I know that he had planned to propose to me a couple months before we found out we were pregnant. However the night I found out we WERE pregnant, I also found out some other stuff between him and an ex that hurt my feelings, and that was one of the moments where it showed he didn't exhibit a whole lot of loyalty towards our relationship. We fought that night and slept in separate rooms, I was even contemplating ending our 2½ year relationship because I decided I couldn't take it anymore, it wasn't fair to either of us for me to be unforgiving or for him to continously be dishonest, plus he couldn't understand that to regain the lost trust he had to prove that he could still be trusted and he never did... and then I took a pregnancy test on a whim and boom, it was positive. I had to rethink a bunch of shit that night lol and if he hadn't proposed to me I probably would have left by now... somehow I'm holding it in my head that, since he proposed to me and we bought a house together with both of our names on it AND we have a child, there's no way he'd cheat or do anything like that like that... but I can't help but wonder and be paranoid with our history, especially in times like this where he won't even let me touch him. Plus I know lots of couples who had the wedding, had the house, had the kids and happily ever after and someone STILL cheated and I'm terrified that's going to be us. Every time I try to talk to him about my feelings and say how I feel rejected or lonely or anything else he shuts down and I can't get through to him because he says he feels shitty, but he won't do anything about it, he just says how he's a shitty boyfriend and person but that's never what I'm saying. I just want him to do something about it and I want to know why he can't or won't 🥺 I have LAYERS of plaster upon plaster hahah it's really the best way to say that 😅😂

[Iron_Man]

Go ahead and get married and your sex life will return after marriage

[JadedandConfused]

Will it though? We planned for a full year after he asked me since it's our anniversary, that's a helluva long time to wait for the pieces to be put back together 😅

[Straight2thepoint]

Can u be any more the type of woman, that what men want?

[JadedandConfused]

I mean I always thought it's what men wanted, but apparently I was wrong 🙃 maybe it's just me and I'm not that great of a woman like I originally thought lol

[Straight2thepoint]

On the contrary. Something is wrong with him..

[Guy13]

Thsts h American 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Tztop2006]

Did he accept bjs before the pregnancy?

[JadedandConfused]

He did but I've never been able to finish him off, not because I can't (I've actually always wanted to, I know I'm sick 😅) but because he wants to go full steam ahead and just do the deed. And that's why it worries me more, that he won't let me even though he knows it's something I've wanted; now should be the perfect time since we can't have sex, right? I could be overthinking everything but I just don't know anymore