We have a 5 year-old child but I'm not in love with him (never was), should I still continue this lie?

[Anonymous]

I had an old boyfriend HS in 11th grade (Jeff my true love) but my parents opposed our relationship so much. They didn't like that he wasn't motivated in going to college and like going to clubs on the weekends. I know his family couldn't afford his college tuition.

My parents successfully (they did everything to get us separated) broke us up when I was a college freshman (but we remained as friends over the years and still talk sometimes) and set me up with an engineer; Kevin. I do admit, he was/still is a decent man but I would still think about Jeff even when we were having sex. I would fake an orgasm. 2 years later, my parents and everyone else were excited about us tying the knot, everyone but me. I wanted to say no when he popped the question but couldn't. I figure that maybe in time I'll come to loving him and that I can't wait too long to have a child. I proceeded and went along with the religious ceremony, miserable within in, lying to the priest and everyone else; keeping the lie to myself.

I'm still not in love with Kevin. I guess that's worse than cheating. I've already cheated him years of his life. I don't deserve him. He doesn't deserve me. He'll be devastated. Or should I continue my married life and give it more time, hopefully to eventually love him like I did with my boyfriend. I still think and dream about Jeff when we're having sex. Jeff respects my marriage but if he were to knock on my door right now, I would think about escaping with him, agreed with shared custody with my child and leaving Kevin.

[abc3643]

You reap what you sow.

I both feel for you and am furious!

Women: lying, self-deceiving, manipulative beings that they are... This is how they fuck up lots of lives and why we don't trust them and one reason why this world is a patriarchy.

Get a divorce and stop wasting everyone's time. Give up custody.

[abc3643]

GET A FUCKING BACKBONE. Your lack of one with your parents is why you are in this shit! Frankly, divorce Kevin AND you patents.

[abc3643]

Parents. And when the divorce happens and they ask why, you say "Your interference and my youthful lack of spine."

[Asker]

My parents ruined my life. They (esp my father) at the time threatened to disown me if I got back with Jeff, my true love. I was 19 and still living under their roof back then. What was I suppose to do? They basiclly set me up with someone I never loved.

[Asker]

I want to end all this farcade (even when my husband and I got on trips, I'm miserable) and he doesn't deserve this. No one does.

[abc3643]

I think you are right. Furthermore I actually have a lot of empathy for you in this and understand having some experience myself.

[ihatethispart]

Why would you stay in a relationship that you're not happy with? If you can get shared custody and split your finances 50/50 or whatever your fair share is, I think it's your right to move on. He is going to be very upset but, you can't let that be a deciding factor in whether or not you leave.

[Asker]

I feel this relationship (marriage) was forced upon me by my parents. At the time they (esp my father) used to threatened me with disowning me if I got back with Jeff. That's how extreme they were in separating us. They ruined my life.

[ihatethispart]

Yeah that's really unfair and uncool. You're an adult. We really only live once, as cliche as it sounds and you living your life based off the opinions of others is unhealthy and will only lead to deep regrets when you grow older. Disown your parents before they disown you I guess 🤷🏼‍♂️

[GOOSEBOY78]

if your not happy get a divorce and tell kevin. if your not in love with kevin he needs to know so he can move on too. yes divorce is hard on kids but they learn to adapt.

[winterfox10]

Well, you should definitely divorce Kevin. If you aren't happy, then prolonging the marriage is only going to make you (and him) more miserable as time goes on. As for Jeff... believe me when I say that that is all in your head. Real Jeff could never, and will never live up to the way you remember him.

[Dchrls78104]

The time to decide you weren't in love should have been before you opened your legs, wasn't it?

[Asker]

I thought I could come to loving in with time. My parents pretty much decided my life, a miserable one.

[Dchrls78104]

Now there is a 5year old child in the mix who would benefit from the love of both his parents. One of the reasons I've never dated is that I wanted to decide for myself who I would spend the rest of my life and have kids with.

[Asker]

and every day I keep wishing I would've been strong enough to go against my parents, be happily married to Jeff and have a child with him, not with Kevin

[soleil2666]

Oooh, this is beyond my experience. I'd talk to a good/well meaning psychologist and a priest.

[COMMODOREII]

Wow. That is sad.

[Asker]

It is. My parents ruined my life and I'm sadly wasting my husband's time; years he'll never get back. He didn't do anything to deserve it. He's shouldn't be married to me. I'm not the right one, never was.

[Asker]

Thing is I know for certain that if I were to get divorced, my Jeff and I would finally get back together again. If he showed up right now at my door, I would be capable of leaving my loveless marriage.

[COMMODOREII]

I believe you.

[Nahid1707]

Be with good people

[tHISpLACEiSbONKERZ]

Do as you please, it's your life afterall.

[Asker]

So basically tell my husband that I've never loved him...

[tHISpLACEiSbONKERZ]

If you feel that will change things for the better.

[abc3643]

YOU DON'T FUCKING TELL HIM YOU NEVER LOVED HIM. THAT'S CRUEL.

[eagle1951]

i'd say get a divorce. why live a lie

[Asker]

Initially I thought that if enough time passes by, then I'll develop romantic feelings for Kevin (the normal ones a wife is suppose to feel) but I only see him in a sisterly manner, the same way a good friend sees you. I don't think I can't handle it anymore. Though I think saying to him ''I really never loved you, it was a forced arrangement, I never wanted to marry you'' would be too cruel to say. I think I have to tell him something else. I'm thinking of ending all this. I've been doing nothing but crying during some nights.

[lol6966]

No, just leave him you can hurt him very bad if you continue with this lie...

[Asker]

I know... I'm so miserable in my marriage. He's a good father and husband but my heart just never was on him. Sadly he met the wrong woman (me) and doesn't deserves this.

[lol6966]

Are you not attracted to him anymore?

[lol6966]

Pm me

[Asker]

Yes but that's not good (I still see my ex boyfriend was more attractive) enough. It's pointless without real love. I just enjoyed his company and my love toward him is like a sisterly type.

[lol6966]

Have you ever cheated on him? Do you have those thoughts?

[Asker]

No I haven't but imagine getting reunited with my true love.

[blessed185]

Just tell him that you don't love him

[Asker]

He's gonna be so devastated and obviously very (rightfully) upset.