Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
The Aziz Ansari controversy seems particularly explosive in that it isn't as cut and dry as many of the other high profile sexual assault instances. In the context of this website, I think it is a particularly interesting situation to dissect, because it is an issue that's been talked about many, many times by women on here.
I think the issue really comes down to this--why aren't men more "respectful" of women these days? And, is there a legitimate way to destabilize the power balance so that it's not so one sided in favor of being a man? But it's not about power it's just common sense, you say. Well, I'd disagree. Aziz never forced to have sex, technically, based on her account in which she never verbally protested to what he was doing to the point where he kept going anyway. Yes, he'd "try again" minutes later, but he never simply ignored her and took advantage of her body while she protested and fought him. This is a very grey area that I know a lot of men struggle with both young and old. They think of hooking up like a game and in a game you have to progress levels, use strategies, and ultimately "win" through persistence and skill. Compassion doesn't occur to them until it's too late and yet I would argue that most of these men would feel awful if they could in fact realize it from the woman's perspective.
But to the point of this being about power. Let's play devils advocate and say that basically he did nothing wrong and women are just pissed with the fact that so many guys are only interested in them for sex. That, in a sense, Aziz rejected this woman the minute he made her meet him at his place instead of picking her up at hers like a gentleman. The meetup location, the rushed dinner, the first kiss to oral sex switchup, the obnoxious pointing to his dick until she sucked it, it all was really just one message over and over again: that she was not worthy of being anything but a hookup to him. And, that hurt her understandably. And, that hurts a lot of women understandably.
Her account of what happened with Aziz is not revenge porn, but I don't think it's target is to dismantle sexual assault as much as it is to destabilize men's power on dating. It's to stop guys not from being rapists (rape really isn't at the core of the issue in this case) but from basically being jerks. It's about telling men that it hurts to be rejected in this way. And, in this way, it's a very helpful account because it's bringing attention to us all that pressuring a girl who likes you and wants to be treated like a potential girlfriend like a girl you just want to have sex with is a form of rejection thats more emotionally harmful than physically harmful.
Aziz may lose his career not for being a rapist but for being a "typical guy" as she herself noted in her account. He's being embarrassed and networks may not want to take the chance betting that knowing this about Aziz is going to make you not want to watch him so they may just pull the plug on his work to be safe. And, in a sense, we men should feel embarrassed for acting this way. He should have been upfront.
He should have made it clear that his intention was just to hook up with her. There seems to have been nothing in their prior conversations to make it actually clear that she wanted to hookup, instead he knew she liked him and that he stood a reasonable chance of taking advantage of that fact to get what he wanted from her.
Bringing it back to the topic of us men, we need to look hard at this outdated system of "if i wine and dine her and be nice to her I can try to have sex with her." Yes, if she is making it clear she wants to have sex because you have such an instant connection then yes by all means but taking a girl for dinner doesn't mean you get to try to have sex with her and pressure her (even softly) if she's wanting to take things slower and get to know you. Trust me I get it--a lot of times the girl just isn't hot enough to warrant being your girlfriend in your opinion and you don't want to take things slow and let her get to know you, you'd rather just ditch her. But, clearly what women are saying to us with this account is that it's better to ditch them early on in the date than to try to later at the end of the date pressure them for sex they clearly don't want yet...
Oh, and as an aside that has nothing to do with the above, him performing oral on her after the first kiss is just bad sex no matter what kind of relationship it is.
What Girls & Guys Said
19 39This is what happens when you drag a dollar bill through a trailer park.
Time for all men to go gay
Who cares?
Um a lot of people apparently he’s a big celebrity who could lose his career
He is little not big
I care because we need to advance the issue of consent.
Thanks for the info
Whoever this guy is, he should take into consideration of what he's going to do to someone else
I’m sure he will now
good take
I can't feel sorry for these male celebs because if i was rich, famous and single I would just go get escorts instead of trying to get with women the traditional way and make sure that I have consent on video tape every time also have them take a drug and alcohol test to have evidence that they were completely sober when giving consent also recorded on video.
I hope this shit stops in 2018. "OMG I had sex with this guy 7 times in 3 days, but I didn't want to. I was sexually assaulted" :(
It's ridiculous, girl just wanted her 15 minutes of fame
She’s not famous it was anon
Well she's getting attention from it now, whether good or bad I can't tell who's supporting her
What Ansari did would have been totally acceptable to a lot of women, and quite welcome by some. But because he was not so good at reading her subtly cues, this anonymous woman was uncomfortable and regretted what happened so she is trying to ruin his life and his career. She should have just put her clothes on and left.
Why is it today that we have to put ALL the responsibility on the man's shoulders and none on the woman's?
Why are men responsible for their actions and choices but women are not?
Why do we say men and women are equals and yet we treat women like children who can't take care of themselves?
I think it's disgusting how this women, who is too cowardly to show her own face, is happy to destroy the reputation and livelihood of a man with whom she discovered she is not sexually compatible.
*subtle
All that stuff about respect and power balance is nonsense. None of this generally applies to men.
"sex they clearly don't want yet"
If they consent then isn't it on them if they have a problem? The point just isn't valid.
"Aziz rejected this woman the minute he made her meet him at his place"
This and the rest of the paragraph, wow, no. This is all totally legitimate if she consents, you don't get to dictate people's intent and what others find acceptable -- she decided she wanted to go along with it, respect that choice maybe?
"hurts a lot of women understandably"
Except the ones it doesn't hurt, the ones that consent to engage in whatever activity. If she got hurt, she has responsibility in that. First and foremost you are primarily responsible for your own experience in any given situation.
I want things to y'know. I have a responsibility to myself to pursue what I want to the point where it doesn't infringe on the rights of others. Respect can be given to what they want but respect can also be given to whatever I want.
Im tired of all of this...
The #MeToo #TimesUp movement gives no fucks. Once your name has been put out there with an allegation you are automatically guilty.
No ifs ands or buts.
You just knew it was only a matter of time before the #MeToo movement was hijacked by insane feminists. That's now happened.
The gold diggers already got involved when they *laughably* accused Stan Lee (in his mid 90's) of being a lech. The guy is a consummate old world gent who was happily married for decades.
Now the nutbag feminists have hopped on the bandwagon, and I'll bet good money that their toxic presence will strangle this #metoo womens movement in its proverbial cradle.
The stupid cow Aziz took out on a date, basically complained that Aziz did not read her mind, and listen to her unspoken cues and signals.
And this, in her mind, and the minds of her fucking idiotic compatriots, equates to Aziz being an assaulter, a scumbag, a rapist, basically, A MAN.
And to these nutjobs, that is his unforgivable crime, for which no other evidence other than their eyes need be considered.
I understand your anger but where does it get us? We still need women to Love and of course to fuck but clearly there are consequences to trying to use girls for sex so I’m saying for our own benefit be clear that you only want to hook up and that’s it that way they can’t say oh he pressured me
If you could read that and think my problem is with women, you're clueless.
He acted like a douche, not necessarily a criminal. That being said, celebs who yell at Uber drivers get the same treatment.
It sounds like she did give verbal warning that she didn’t want sex, but not very clearly. “I don’t want to feel forced” and “Lets do something else” while pushing him away are clear signals.
But he didn’t force her... she gave in out of annoyance or feeling helpless or something. Not the same as rape, but still unhealthy sexuality.
I think she was upset that this bro who presents himself as Mr. So Sensitive is a douche - the same as if you learned a celeb famous for charity work or a preacher stiffed a waiter on a tip. (Things like this are also highly publicized by the current media)
i wouldn’t even doubt if the author was manipulated into framing the story the way she it by the reporter, too. She attached a typical “celebs behaving badly” story to a legit movement to push her name out there.
Our sick clickbait culture isn’t doing us any good.
Also, I think the anonymous chick would probably have been up for sex until Aziz turned her off by being too pushy and sloppy. When a guy gets like that, the idea of enjoyable sex seems impossible.
Good points
I would say that it's pretty much the same thing as rape, considering that true consent was never given. It's kinda like police officers pressuring someone to confess to a crime they didn't do. Even if they didn't use force, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make the confession true.
@lumos yeah I agree. Dubious consent is not consent.
I’ve been in both situations, and in my opinion, they aren’t the same. Her fear and discomfort may exist in her mind, possibly from other experiences, but in no way did he block her or try to stop her from leaving the situation. If she’s been stranded there with no way home or he’d climbed on top of her so she couldn’t get up, that’s be a different story. But she wasn’t extremely clear by continuing to engage with him and not saying “stop” or I don’t want to do this” explicitly. Again, it’s not right or cool, but it’s not the same as rape, either.
If you have to intimidate people into having sex with you, y’all are definitely doing something wrong.
Sadly, I don’t think the author wasn’t made to feel helpless by Aziz, she likely feels disempowered before she ever met him. The societal pressure on girls and women to “be a good girl” and make everyone happy us very real. As is a notion of being demure about sex and not being explicit when talking about it.
I agree with that. I don’t agree that men don’t know about that societal pressure, and that they don’t consciously use it to their advantage.
It’s wrong, but not rape. We are so afraid of talking about the nuances of sex that the vocabulary doesn’t even exist. Only two generations of women, basically, have been discussing it.
Which I think we can agree is a problem.
Except that it was rape. She was pressured. Engaging under pressure is rape. He didn’t listen to her when she said that she wanted to slow down or chill. He definitely used it to his advantage when she was passive. And just because he didn’t forcefully block her or make her have sex, it doesn’t make it any less rape-y. Rape doesn’t have to be forceful and it doesn’t have to be a struggle. When someone is in shock and frozen up, they are more likely to passively engage against their will because they don’t know what else to do or what to expect next.
@lumos yeah, like when my ex started to choke me out (without asking) while we were having sex. And then had the gall to make me comfort HIM when I told him that I didn't like that, and hadn't been into it. Kinda hard to say "no, stop!" when you're being choked.
Muddying the waters of rape is dangerous. People exert a lot of pressure on you - to buy things, to vote a certain way, to drink or do drugs, etc. He didn’t appear issue a verbal or physical threat. She kept trying to hang out with him hoping it’d get better. Calling this rape just doesn’t make sense. I’ve been raped and didn’t struggle, to be honest. There was more to it than just persistence.
Here’s the thing though it not being rape doesn’t mean it’s good or even ok. Not all unfair things are illegal. Not all legal things are fair.
I agree with you. Mostly I take issue with the attitude that a person has to be holding a gun to your head for it to “count” as rape. It doesn’t.
You’re exaggerating what I’m saying to hyperbole. Rape involves a multitude of behaviors that include issuing a direct or implied threat of harm and/or physical (or occasionally other non-social restriction) of the victim’s ability to consent or leave. It involves tricking people such as children or the developmentally impaired. It involves sex with people who are incapacitated and people who are too young to exercise proper judgement. I despise raie and sexual abuse. But not all terrible sexual practices are rape, even if they aren’t right.
Agree with this commentor right here
I don’t feel sorry for Aziz, though. He wasn’t being an awkward fool - he was being a jerk and there’s no way he couldn’t know it. If he acts like that when he drinks, maybe he shouldn’t drink. People are hung up saying “what did she expect?” are giving him a free pass. He invited someone he’s built no trust with into his home and behaved very badly. Like I said with the Uber example - near strangers have no legal or even moral obligation to keep quiet about bad behavior. To go with the “tea/consent” analogy. If Aziz had been a tea shop, he’d have been pushing his tea in the face of anon woman, pestering “take my tea, take my tea, take my tea, take my tea” like a child. His yelp review is -5 and maybe he needs to evaluate how he treats others.
I dont see what he actually did wrong. The whole thing stinks of a set up. Literally I could do the same to any guy I hook up with or Netflix and chill and just set him up lile this with accusations and of course a few others will join me in a witchunt for money. No doubt she will be on talk Shows and in magazines.
What it teaches men is that women cannot be trusted I'm afraid.
and also again that men need to be really clear about what they want or they could be set up i don't see how our points clash
He was a jerk. That's what he did wrong.
@raspberry0416 so are plenty of people, she could have just said life's to short. I know plenty of women who'd be in heaps of trouble if guys flipped the script and started playing by the same rules as us girls. Like I know plenty of women that have technically either sexually assaulted or raped guys.
Yeah but he's famous, so maybe she feels like people should know how he behaves in private. Famous people do kind of lose their privacy. It's the price they pay for being famous. And for what it's worth I don't think Aziz is a really bad guy, and he already apologized to her. So if he wasn't a celebrity the story would have ended there. But she had to see him win at the Golden Globes and that triggered her to come forward about this.
@raspberry0416 "triggered" that he only wanted her as a fling. I say he should sue, that's what Micheal Flatley did.
You should read her account of the events here
https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355
Then you would understand why she was upset.