What do I do if my boyfriend doesn’t have the same sexual interests as me?

[Anonymous]

All my life I’ve known I’ve been into more extreme kinks and bdsm than most people I know. And more than anything, I really crave a dom/sub relationship. And my interests also manifest in parts of my personality and I feel like I have to hide it from everyone else around me. My friends that do know think the stuff I’m into is strange and they just don’t get it. I guess I’m a little ashamed. And I want to be vanilla so fuckin bad sometimes because I feel like there’s no one around me who understands. And it’s hard in relationships too. Like my boyfriend, I have such strong romantic feelings for him. But he’s just simply not as kinky as me and he’s aware that I’m more so than him. It just leaves me in the awkward spot of caring for him so much but not feeling satisfied in the relationship. It feels like there are so few people out there who are into the same things as me and I just really wish that this wasn’t so important to me but it is and I just don’t know what to do.
Anyone have any advice? Thanks :/

[abc3643]

This is a good question.

You may need to move on, BUT what you really may need is to find the right guy who will be what you are into... and they are out there.

This is what I wrote for another question similar to this one in which the woman and man had a mismatch in sexual chemistry...
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Can one sexual fantasy mess up an entire relationship? ↗

Can one sexual fantasy mess up an entire relationship?

He tells me his fantasy. I'm cool with trying it and doing it sometimes. Problem is he only wants this, he has to be doing this or talking about it or thinking about it or he's not satisfied. I said that's too much. He said he will just not tall about it anymore. But I don't know if I can be comfortable knowing that's all he's thinking about. Can he be happy never talking about it? If not, should I leave him when everything else about our relationship is great?

--- My Opinion ---

Q: Can one sexual fantasy mess up an entire relationship?
Yes, absolutely.

This is why sexual chemistry needs to be determined early in a relationship because, no matter how good outside the bedroom the relationship is, if it sucks in the bedroom (especially when you are young), that's demoralizing and often leads to the death of the relationship.

Q: Can he be happy never talking about it?
He can be... accepting of his reality. He'll go to chat sites or worse though to get his needs met.

Q: If not, should I leave him when everything else about our relationship is great?
I can't really answer this because you are a better gauge of your relationship than I am. But, what I said above may cause long-term problems.

This is an important lesson:
Sex should never be work.
Sex should be when you should feel completely free and safe to be yourself no matter how dark or twisted that is.
However, if the two partners disagree in some way about this, then one of two things happens. Let's call these two partners Chris and Terry.
1. One partner, Chris, is indulging the other one, Terry. Chris is not into what Terry is, so, to indulge Terry, Chris has to work... Chris does not get to be his/herself but had to be an actor and acting is work.
2. If Chris doesn't indulge Terry, then Terry feels unsatisfied... a bit empty. In a way, Terry is indulging Chris by suppressing part of his/herself during sex and not being completely his/herself which is what sex is for. In this case, it is Terry doing the work acting that s/he is satisfied when s/he is not.

So, in both cases, one of these two partners is doing work - one partner needs to work at acting at not being themselves for the sake of sex. This is an example of a lack of complete sexual chemistry.


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Now, for YOUR question...
You have to ask yourself if you are willing to not be who you really are for the sake of your relationship. I feel bad for you. I can't be who I really am either and so it sucks a bit, but I still remain in my marriage because, at my age, sex isn't everything.

If you are really "Under 18", I'd say move on because you have so many more years to find Mr. Right Sexual Chemistry. At the same time, the relationship outside the bedroom is just as important, so...

If you are over 18, you can PM me and maybe I can help find a guy who'd be more into what you are.

Anyway, good question and I wish you luck!

[Anpu23]

I could give a couple pieces of advice.
One is possibly get a Dom or sub outside of the romantic relationship if your partner is okay with another.
A second option is just get into self bondage, you didn't mention if your a Domme or sub type. But I know that there's a virtual mistress/master and also various online games etc.
Third is just teach your current, unless your very sub then it just gets awkward.
Last is just explore his kinks... I don't think that there are that many 100% vanilla people in the world. Maybe get on "we should try it" and see where you do match.
There is always FetLife to try and connect with others who enjoy the same kinks you do.

[Anpu23]

Oh just noticed your under age... Um give it a few years first. Sorry...

[Anonymous]

Surprised you are like that so young already, usually it comes out later, guys are very horny though so he might get into it slowly or you might need to find a different guy