What is with my husband and not really wanting sex? Desperately needing some help or guidance?

[Anonymous]

It’s really bizarre.
Yesterday was valentines and we ended up having sex in the morning. Before we did though I referenced sex and he said about being too tired later probably. He is a bit overweight and unfit but he’s only young and my other boyfriends have wanted sex like nearly every day. I’m lucky if I get it once or twice a week.

I went out with some girlfriends last week for the first time in ages and when I came home to bed he was all over me wanting sex. Obviously we had it and he commented he likes it because he feels closer to me but sometimes he’s just not in the mood or feeling turned on but then he gets in the mood when we start kissing etc. honestly at this point I just don’t know what to think.

He is lovely to me and treats me very well outside the bedroom. He bought me some lovely thoughtful things for valentines. He makes lunches for me and opens the car door for me. He will hold my hand and give me little kisses etc. he drove me and picked me up after my girls night and it was late and he went out of his way. He tells me he loves me but this sex issue just makes me feel undesirable or like he loves me but doesn’t fancy me.

If I think back even at the start of our relationship I used to do things like dress up and he wouldn’t get that turned on. I don’t know if it’s noteworthy that I am his first ever sexual partner (he was a very late bloomer) He isn’t mine.

am I the problem here? What should I do?

[ShiftingMonke]

I doubt that you're the problem. Men can suffer from low sex drive, and being overweight means that sex can potentially feel like a chore to him (speaking as a former heavy fella) . I didn't see how long you two have been together, but if it's been over 3 years, then it's just as likely he has found the path of least resistance; by being great to you in all the other small ways, he can sort of 'slack off' in other departments. Just a guess though. My suggestion is to talk about it with him, without blaming him, but try to come at it gently as poor sexual performance (real or imaginary) can be quite embarrassing and could put him in a defensive mode. You may have to consider other avenues of sexual gratification, but that's a private conversation between you and him.

[Asker]

Over three years yes and I never thought he is probably trying to make up for it

[ShiftingMonke]

After reading your other replies, it would seem he's set in his ways and isn't interested in changing much at all. I'm sorry to say, but it would seem you're in limbo.

[Asker]

I do get the vibe that it’s like a chore for him and he would rather sit and eat than do anything with me which is obviously very upsetting. I’ve never faced this before. My last boyfriend couldn’t get enough of me!

[ShiftingMonke]

I'm very sorry to hear that, it's not fair to you at all that you must suffer because your desires are rebuffed. It's even more upsetting, as he is great in all other ways but sexual compatibility; but sex make up such a huge portion of marriage and intimacy. I'm sure you've asked yourself this by now: is this worth divorce?

[AydenHazor]

You are not the problem. It sounds like you have a much higher sex drive than your husband, which is a normal thing, not everyone has the same sex drive. Have you talked to him about this? If he knows you desire sex more often, he may initiate more for you.

[Asker]

I have told him and he’s still the same

[AydenHazor]

It sounds like he has a much lower sex drive than you. You do at least know that kissing turns him on, so maybe when you're in the mood try initiating a heavier kissing session and see where it leads

[nayans]

I would suggest talk to him about it. Communication should be the key here and it could help resolve any issues

[Asker]

Have spoken to him and he just says he feels bad but that he’s tired a lot of the time and he doesn’t want me to go off with anyone else

[nayans]

You could ask him to work on his fitness and health for your sake. He would listen to you.

[Asker]

I have asked him to and he starts off well then just loses it and doesn’t bother or make any effort. As @shiftingmonke says he is set in his ways and will not change

[Guy13]

Tell him to rile over, get hats, and sleep… you got you covered and go on about yiur day.

[Rixon]

If you and him are okay then you could get your needs fulfilled outside. You just need to find someone trustworthy.

[boggboss]

Have u ever spoken to him about this

[Asker]

I have and I said I need more sex really and he just said that he’s too tired most of the time pretty much so now I don’t ever intimidate I just wait for him to

[Sixgunsound]

He might be intimidated by you and the much higher drive you seem to have. He might have performance anxiety. He might have physical problems. He night be overthinking it. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Have you ever... asked him?

[written-in-the-stars]

Get his vitamin d & iron levels checked

[written-in-the-stars]

Also vitamin b

[BarryLiverstone]

What is it you want? Do you want sex everyday or are you missing intimacy and desire from him?

[Asker]

Intimacy and desire

[BarryLiverstone]

Well you know your husband and you know how he expresses desire and how he cultivates intimacy. Have you considered evolving those traits because he isn’t the same person that he was when you began dating?

[Asker]

Not toooo sure what you mean… do you mean trying new things?

[BarryLiverstone]

In a way yes. What I mean is you want to feel desire from him and have intimacy. In your mind you know your love language and have a framework for how that could manifest. For example if he wanted to have sex with you everyday then you would feel desire and in that lovemaking the intimacy is created and experienced. That could be based on your past experience or how you want things to happen. But maybe based on his current needs and priorities he will only want to have sex twice a week or prefers morning Sex to evening Sex. So if this is because he is applying energy to other desires in his life could you work with him to share those other desires and still feel that intimacy? Let me know if you understand or feel free to follow me and I’ll try to help

[Asker]

You mean he has a different love language?

[Pudsmucker]

There is no indication of age? How old is he? Me I wish my wife would have sex with me.

[Asker]

He is 27 and I am 30