Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I am a camgirl.
No, I'm not famous or major, so don't even bother looking for me. It's something I do on the sly to make money and maintain some amount if autonomy in a life where I feel like I have none it's not my career, I'm not a pornstar.
What I do is not glamorous and it's not sexy. Maybe for some people? For me, it's the only path left after hitting a dead end. I'm not smart, I'm not talented, I'm not artistic. I can't sing or write. I'm a highschool drop out with a piss poor personality and an attitude problem. What I do have is a fairly pretty face and decent set of tits.
I started at sex work at a young age. I always say I was like the worlds only virgin hooker because I was giving blowjobs for money to guys I met off Craigslist before I had even had sex of any kind with anyone (to me, none of that counted). As you can see, at only 18 at the time, I started off in the wrong direction.
Once I got back home I started having...a lot of sex. A lot of different kinds of sex. Some of it has been wonderful and amazing (when you meet the RIGHT guy), some of it has been fun and kinky and some of it has just been dark and twisted. But most of it has just been boring and I usually feel like I'm going through the motions...like he's there having a good time and it's my job to give him pleasure. Like a sex robot or something. No emotion...just an object with an objective.
Well around the same time I started posting naked pictures of myself online on social media. It was mostly because I wanted to feel pretty and for a little while it helped mybself confidence a lot. I felt sexy and the distance between me and the followers gave me a feeling of control. I didn't make much money at it, besides the occasional amazon gift, but I didn't really give a fuck.
Well one day I got a message from someone in my area. We got to talking and decided to go out. He was a very successful businessman and told me how dumb I was for giving out freebies. He really opened my mind to the fact...shocker...I could make money at this with live shows.
And that's how I got started. Down a path that would lead me to the where I am today: somebody who has lost her sense of self. I truly feel I don't even know who I am anymore. When somebody asks me what I like...all I have to say is makeup, sex and drugs & alcohol. Every day I wake up and try to look pretty. The days I feel unattractive I literally want to die so much it hurts
People think of porn and stripping as such a confidence booster. You just get naked and told how beautiful you are. No. No no no NO. Not by a long shot. People say exactly what they're thinking. Their mindset...bitch I'm paying you. You are literally mine for the next half hour. You're an object. I'm a basement dwelling neckbeard but I've earned the right to critique your body like the specs of the latest fucking x Box, because you are nlt a fuvking person you are my fuvking property.
You hear "bitch those are mosquito bites not boobs"...gain weight "you're like fat now"...lose weight "you're bony af"....or "you're too pale" get a tan "oompa loompa much?". It never fucking ends, you wanna slam your head against the wall because you're trying so hard to be all things to all people and you're always fucking failing. You are never ever good enough so you spend all your money trying to be better and plotting surgeries and trying to be...perfect. An unobtainable goal. You're chasing the white rabbit and you just can't fucking stop.
And all of this seeps into your personal life. Suddenly you have to be your best with friends everytime you see them and if you aren't feeling up to it you just don't see them. And suddenly your friends turn into strangers. All you have is dating, camming, drinking, smoking weed, camming, internet surfing, sleeping, camming, fucking, crying, rinse and repeat.
You hate going out because when you're surrounded by strangers all you hear is that criticism that cuts so deep. You feel like everyone's staring and stripping you down. You feel naked all the time and you feel like your flaws are glaring everyone in the face, so you just hide. And sit allne and wonder...who the fuck am I?
This isn't everyones story. This is a very extreme story. Our society objectifies women...not to this degree, but it gives young girls too many opportunities to travel this path. My story is by no means rare. Many vulnerable emotionally damaged girls with histories of abuse or personality disorders find it all too easy too fall down this path and no one lends a hand. Her body her choice right?
I'm not saying stop watching porn. I just wanted to tell my story. I do hope tho the next time you see that hot blonde with the dead eyed gaze getting naked on the screen, you realize behind those eyes there's a mind and its broken, and she's not getting naked for you, she's doing it because she feels she has no other choice.
What Girls & Guys Said
4 21I work in an office and a lot of what you say could very easily be applied to how I feel about my job too. Apart from all the hot sex of course. . .
Im really tired of feminists constantly saying that, porn, strip clubs etc., are dehumanizing to women (and only women oddly enough). It might be more beleiveable if they didn't turn around and say
"OMG, DID YOU SEE THE NEW MAGIC MIKE? BEST MOVIE EVA!!!" (Actually happend lol).
So this is why you want to change I see. I think society objectifies women, but your problem is the exact reason why. Women need to feel loved. They need social interaction. Us men don't need that as much. Y'all need attention. Y'all crave it. Your case is unfortunate. You slipped and that slipped turned into a very bad fall. I'm not saying you deserved what happened to you. I am saying that we need to address the problem fully as people. To do this we have to start at the root, which is what I just mentioned. The female mind. What it does and what it wants to do. Once we understand that then you can look at society. Society usually is just a by product of people themselves. How we feel... how we truly feel. This is why while feminism has its bad it also has its good. It's important because it gives women a social support backbone. Something they need.
I've been on a few cam sites out of curiosity. I'd never pay for that though. Heck I wouldn't even pay for sex. I feel that's something that should be free (with consent o course) like water.
Part of the problem too is us men being very stupid... I mean that's the best, clear cut, honest, way to put it. Stupidity. "Sugar daddies". Spending money on cams. Spending money on prostitutes. Spending money on dirty panties. It's pathetic and sad on our part. On the bright side it gives women who are in the situation you are in a chance for social redemption (in their minds), but the bad side of that is that it's crippling them like it has done you.
So in conclusion,
-Women need strong social support. This is why feminism is important and should be used as such (not to put down men).
-Us men need to stop being so thirsty and stupid. Spending money on silly things like dirty panties and cams need to go. It may hurt the pockets of women who do cams but it's a necessarily action.
*necessary
Thank you for this..
You're welcome. Your life isn't a waste. You have a purpose. We all have struggles. I have my own struggles. Different than yours, but struggles none the less. These struggles create a bigger pot. Making the world a little bigger, but this allows us (the plant) to grow within ourselves. Your life matters.
Its actually just nice to read that lol, thanks