What to do when starting to get emotionally attached to FWB?

[Anonymous]

We are more just sex buddies because have completely separate lives and friends and started seeing eachother specifically just for sex. But we've been hookingup for about 2 months and I've been thinking about him a lot recently... We definitely started things "backwards" and I don't want to make any quick decisions about relationships so how can I take a step back to see if this would be a something worth pursuing or just ride out physical life of it?

[Anonymous]

I think you've got to talk it out.

I stopped the sex once with a friends with benefits because it was getting too draining and confusing (we hung out with his friends and even parents, cuddled all night, talked about our dreams, etc) ... and the damned quasi relationship continued without the sex, but all the confusion still there. We'd continue to do a lot of the same stuff - including literally sleeping next to each other, except have sex. He never did want to commit to me and it ended up wasting a lot of emotional energy.

I can't make heads or tails of it, exactly, but I do know that nothing is certain until you clear the air (in a non hostile, non desperate way).

[Anonymous]

Thinking a lot about him does not necessarily mean feelings, it is just a superficial physical attachment that comes with sex and people, especially women, mistake it for something deeper. Think of him more holistically, his personality etc and use your brain and think if that is in reality someone you would want to be with, there is a reason subconsciously why you agreed to just be sex buddies with him. Dont be hasty to think it is actually emotional attachment or something that you even need to reveal.
I say stop the sex and dont give him any reason, sometimes the pleasure clouds our judgement, you will think clearly once nothing sexual has happened for a while.

[dragonfly6516]

There are guys out there who use friends with benefits relationships to get the perks of a real relationship, without the label, because they fear commitment. Like my own BE. 2 years now with an official label when we started as friends with benefits. But these guys are rare, guys almost always means EXACTLY what they say, and guys are pretty blunt. But this relationship you're describing doesn't like friends with benefits, because there is no friendship. He's your booty call, not you friends with benefits.
I agree with what @empathiclady said you should try, and by the way I think she meant "move on" not "move in" LOL

[dragonfly6516]

* "BF" not "BE"

[bombamboum]

It happened a few times and I just stopped seeing the person.
Sex is intimate and it's easy to mistake affection for real feelings. In those situation, I though with my brain. Though, I would stop seeing the person before I even got the chance to get "feelings".

[dudegrt09]

Easier said than done

[bombamboum]

It's true but I've always been really good at listening to my brain.

[sixfootsix65]

I would say enjoy the sex and enjoy each other for what it is and remain friends. There must be some kind of connection to begin with just enjoy it as long as she is enjoying it to there is a mutual effect. The main problem with friends with benefits is hat feelings often get involved in one or the other and then the friendship is broken and that sucks. If you can keep it as sex and keep it friends then both are good and both of your needs/wants/desires are getting met. Sounds bad when you say it that way because sex is amazing and intimate thing to share with someone.

[Asker]

Yea but we weren't really friends before lol... we really did just start as sex buddies but I'd like to be friends and get to know him more is the thing

[AustinMan]

I voted C but I think you have to be very delicate about approaching the subject. Maybe ask him how he's liking the sex and what other things he wants to do but's been afraid to ask.

[Asker]

Thanks for recommendation on how to approach it... one of the things I like is his confidence/control and I don't want to take that from him by bringing it up wrong =-/

[AustinMan]

This for sure won't erode his confidence but will hopefully get you to what you want to know.

[Asker]

Ugh ment to vote you MHO pressed wrong button =-/

[AustinMan]

Thanks for the thought!! Can't get too many of those though I do get more than my share. When are you going to talk to him?

[Asker]

Not sure yet... maybe next time this week Recommendations on before or after sex, lol I'm on the fence about that. Probably not a good thing to mention in text also right?

[AustinMan]

No text for sure. I'd talk about it in the after glow. I presume you two lie there all tired out, tangled up together, enjoying that blissful feeling that cums (sic) from white hot sex?

[Asker]

Yea that's about only talking we do is our after glow chit chats lol so was hoping you'd say that... you still recommend asking if he's enjoying the sex and if there was anything else he'd like? Any more details on what to do or avoid? On a side note... the last 2 times that we've met at his house he's fallen asleep after (only for tiny cat nap while I was getting dressed) is he just more comfortable with me now or exausted... any opinions?

[AustinMan]

Just play it by ear and trust your instincts. I can't give you a script, just general guidance. Godspeed!

[Rawrzz]

Think big.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbofwUoB8CU

[EmpatheticLady]

The best thing to do, though I haven't been in this situation, would seem to be stop the sex and let him know why you're doing this. If he says he feels the same, then you can start a real relationship and continue what you're doing. Otherwise, it'll let you move in and not get even more attached.

[misscocobutter]

The hard thing about this scenario is in this guy's head you are friends with benefits and it's unlikely he will see you as anything else

[bedroomeyes]

I'd bring it up as soon as I was sure. If it ends, oh well! Not like he's the only peen in the world.

[BackAgain]

Is break things off because otherwise I'd catch deeper feelings even if he does reject me and I wouldn't wanna go through that. I'd rather go find another guy who's ready to be more serious

[Kester135]

Mention your feeling me and my friends with benefits both made the mistake of not saying anything and she broke it off fearing I might not feel the same we both regret it because now she's with someone else and doesn't want to just abandon him for me, because she fears what other people might think.

[tony72722]

You break it off. A good relationship will never stem off of a friends with benefits.

[Asker]

Yea thanks, trying to be rational and your very right especially in this case...

[tony72722]

Been there done that dude just cut your losses.

[Asker]

Makes me kinda sad =-( always the what if's

[tony72722]

Lol fck that shit. That's all fairytales.. No what ifs. Just complications and heartache.

[croxy]

Continue like always remain friends and don't go along with your feelings

[John_Doesnt]

Men start to develop feelings sooner than women, so if you have feelings talk to him about it and he might already have feelings himself.

[Asker]

I kinda think that too but that's why was curious how to approach it because I'm kinda the one who mentioned I wanted a "go to guy" for sex only in the beginning but he had hit on me in the past so kinda think something might have been there for him before, I brought it up to him though because he's the one with the awesome confidence to fallow through on hints I drop that's one reason why I "picked" him I like how he takes charge... but could he be to nervous to take charge to ask for more?

[John_Doesnt]

He will most likely be way too nervous to ask for more because you're the one who suggested the idea of just being friends with benefits. I'm sure if you hadn't suggested that he would have already wanted a relationship based on what you've told me about him hitting on you. Most guys don't hit on a girl to be just friends with benefits, they hit on them for a one night stand or a relationship. You're gonna have to be the one to make the first move because you suggested the friends with benefits. If I were him I'd be too afraid to admit to you I wanted more.

[Asker]

Would you be able to get over the nervousness if I brought it up the way Austinman recommended? Do you have any other suggestions to bring subject up in a way he builds more confidence with me?

[John_Doesnt]

Personally I wouldn't go for the slow approach, but that's your decision. I'd rather just be straight up with him. Or you could just ask him on a date.

[dudegrt09]

I am in a similar situation... we live in far off countries but I do have feelings for her... I am waiting to see her next time and then see how the relationship goes.. If she won't get serious with me, I might have to stop being friends with her at all

[dragonfly6516]

"If she won't be more than friends, we can't be friends." Oh the irony! Stop calling her a "friend", because she's not your friend. You obviously don't see her as a friend, you see her as a potential girlfriend. You're essentially leading her on if you don't tell her how you feel, and what you really want. She's going to feel just as hurt and upset as you at the loss of a friend of she doesn't feel the same. So stop waiting around, message her, and tell her how you really feel. It will be much easier for both of you this way.

[dudegrt09]

@dragonfly6516 I have told her that I have feelings for her... I didn't tell her I love her or anything, but I have told her that I do have feelings for her, I think that is pretty obvious that I want to be serious... I've also said that I won't see other girls if she doesn't want, to which she replied "why not? we're not a couple or something"... She seems to be pretty sure at this point that she won't get serious, which I understand since we live far away from each other, but yes I think things will change when I will clear things off next time I see her

[dragonfly6516]

Sounds pretty clear to me. She's not into you, and you need to explain to her that it's painful for you to be "just friends" because you want more. Of she's mature and actually cares about you, she will understand and let you go so that can deal with this in your own way.

[dudegrt09]

@dragonfly6516 well I do want the sexual relation to continue... and we are always talking like couples... and she has accepted that in the future she might fall in love again (didn't specify if it is going to be me)... we even talk about getting married sometimes, I'm not sure if she is serious or joking many times

[dudegrt09]

@dragonfly6516 also we have quite some age difference (her being older), so that is also a problem... she is at a stage where she prefers having "friends" over a boyfriend

[Nezorf]

I have been in a friends with benefits situation and although I didn´t have romantic feelings for him, I still felt rejected when it was over. I guess it is easy to get involved and that will only lead to heartache, I´m afraid. I would leave before I got my heart broken.

[Anonymous]

You get out. friends with benefits DOES NOT WORK