Sexual Relationships
+1 y

What would you do if you're partner doesn't say how many people they had sex with?

I'm in a relationship for 1 year and she still didn't tell me how many were them :/ I don't know how to feel about this.
Updates:
+1 y
Chiii calm down people! This is more about openness, honesth and trust. I love her and if I ever break up with her it wouldn't because of this. We have some sexual issues like any normal couple and I think past experience knowledge would help.
+1 y
Please don't insult my girlfriend, she has a really warm heart, she never cheated and she is really kind. Maybe she had a phase with more people but I don't think it's that much. She had longer relationships than me as well. I didn't have that much relationships because I didn't find good people for me until her.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • It all depends on your motive and if she trusts you enough not to judge her, that you'll never throw it in her face.
    I was sex addicted and my wife just loved to fuck when we met.
    Long story short, I needed therapy and one part that is generally never recommended is that we shared our body count in as much detail as possible (number and location).
    For us it helped. Plus, I'm a kinky fucker and I just enjoyed hearing about all her adventures. I still do.
    We never judged or shamed each other.
    There was abused, sexual and physical on my side and since all the details came out she told me all her details too. The therapist was a little nervous. He said that generally never makes things better.
    I'm rambling...
    Within the confines of the therapist's office we shared numbers. It's still not recommend outside of therapy because people still use it to judge.
    I think the best thing you can do is let her know that she has your support regardless and that you're going to move forward together.
    If she's afraid or troubled by her past she needs therapy. As loving a boyfriend as you might be you're not prepared to handle it. Just let it go and love her through it.
    Good luck.

  • If you're looking for sex experience why not shift the question to get a better answer? Instead of how many different people she's had it with ask how the sex went most often or how was her/the other people's preferred way to have sex. That seems to be what you actually wanna know if you're looking to solve sexual issues. In that case the count wouldn't matter, but what kind of sex was being had, whether with 1 or 100 people.

    Her not wanting to tell you may be from insecurity or from manipulation of some kind, but you're a better judge on that so if you think she's hiding it from you for some bad reason then maybe confront her about it (if you think it's gonna cause issues with honesty). If you think it's just shame/Insecurity, don't pressure her to tell you. Let her know you won't leave her for it and if she's just comfortable telling you a vague amount ("a lot"/"a little") or not comfortable telling you at all yet that's okay, and let her be the one to decide when to bring it up to you. If it seems like it may be causing her issues you might suggest some sort of councilling to help with Insecurity? But I don't know about that.

    • Thank you!

    • This is actually really good advice @snackthstsmilesback. Good solution to the question I hate. :)

    • You're welcome! @loves2learn thanks!

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Most Helpful Girls

  • I asked my boyfriend how many he said 4 , so when he asked me and my number is 12 I didn’t want to tell him cause it was way hire then his. So I didn’t tell him he never asked me again that was like a year ago when we first met. I would tell him but he hates when I even mention any guy from my past he’s so jealous. So I don't know maybe her number is super high and she feels like you’ll judge her

  • I wouldn’t ask because I wouldn’t care. If you’re worried about health concerns, then ask about that. But a woman should never reveal how many sexual partners she’s had. For one, guys never believe the answer. And secondly, they can’t handle the competition anxiety.

    • "they can’t handle the competition anxiety."
      The fact that women make the dude be in competition with her past, in the first place, goes to show he should not even bother with a girl who has been promiscuous, to begin with. Women preach "the past is the past" and yet lecture guys with standards in regards of this topic to have "competition anxiety". So at one hand, "the past is the past" and at the other you make the new guy deal with competition. Can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to choose.

      Also, labeling guys who don't accept girls with a promiscuous past as insecure (because that's ultimately what you're trying to make them out to be) is also quite ignorant considering the truth is far more nuanced. You know about my Take in regards to this topic, but I'll put it here and remind you of the studies that have shown that promiscuous people tend to (statistically) be overall less happy and have a higher chance of the relationship failing. Why The Number of Sexual Partners Matters ↗

      But of course you didn't include that in your little rant of wishful thinking.

    • Oh and don't complain about guys not believing when so many women out there are lying about this matter. So they know perfectly well that having many sexual partners turns men off and yet proceed to indulge in that very behavior and then get mad when guys don't want to deal with them. So they resort to lying. I think it's justified that guys are sceptical

    • Competition anxiety is self inflicted. It’s the dick measuring contest that takes up space in most men’s minds at some point whenever he’s with a woman with an ex boyfriend. Even if it’s just one guy she’s ever been with. He’ll either ask her or he at least be thinking about how he is in comparison to anyone before him. That’s just the way a lot of guys are. And I get it. He wants to be the best. I’m sure there are women who *make* their men compete with lovers past, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend any woman actively do that.

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What Girls & Guys Said

34 62

  • I would say get over it! Maybe you need to grow pubic hair or get testosterone shots your losing your manhood. Go to Dr ask him how long it takes for your balls to drop. Was you raised by a single mom you sound very sensitive and bitchy. Maybe your on your period and need a tampon. Your obviously not at all ready for an adult relationship at this time work on becoming a man before dating a women.

    • Come on now, he is entitled to know if he is with a country girl who has been plowed more than the family farm fields. I agree with him. I wouldn't want a fuck boy any more than he wants an ignorant slut who promiscuously goes jumping from bed to bed.
      https://youtu.be/c91XUyg9iWM

    • Wow.. You seriously need to rethink yourself. I guess this issue already affected you and reminded you some bad memories. Chill, and don't insult people like that. Adults share and trust, you're the one who is not ready for that kind of relationship. Your partner needs to accept the entire you.

    • @vickymoore9 exactly this, it’s not ones business and also means fuck all, just shouts insecurity all this need to know someone’s past, and even then most would not understand it, spot on.

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  • Respect their privacy.

    • I will respect her privacy. Then she should respect the fact that I'm not willing to invest my love, time, energy, future and resource in her. Men with self-respect don't get with a woman who isn;t open to them.

    • Women with self respect don’t waste their time with insecure control freaks. Do her a favor and move on.

    • 'insecure control freaks". So we are supposed to dedicate our lives to someone who doesn't allow us to get an insight in their past and thus depriving us of truly knowing who we are in a relaitonship with and possibly putting a ring on. Yeah right. Come back when you got something valid and intelligent to say other than futile and unintelligent ad hominems. I definitely moved on. I moved on to a clean woman who has no issues telling me about her past. People like you on the other hand want to have their cake and eat it too. Good luck trying to secure a high value guy with that useless mindset 😂

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  • Pick and choose your battles. She may be embarrassed about it. Leave it alone.. don't make this about you...

    • How does vaginal intercourse feels like for you?

  • She prob feels its a private matter but i personally wouldn't keep dating her. I need to know if im with a hoe or not

  • I would find it a red flag if they refused to tell me.

    But if it just never came up or wasn't asked about it, then that's fine.

  • Why should the past matter?
    I haven't had lots of sexual partners but my boyfriend had and I definitely don't want to know how many they were. I'm jealous as it is.

    • This is interesting since I was still a virgin when my girl, recently too at 24 and I was always a loser growing up. It was only in the past couple years really that I started working out, got ripped and really started jumping into new skills and talents and old ones I had given up on but girls NEVER gave me the time of day as a kid. I was lucky because by high school they only called me ugly or a loser when they occasionally noticed me in the hall and by Uni they just didn't care period as opposed to middle school where id I asked someone out and she said yes I should've guess there was a plan involved that ended with glue in my hair. Now I look at the woman I wake up next to, whom I had a crush on for YEARS and on one hand she's ridiculously beautiful and was having sex with her boyfriends in HS while I was getting beat up and crying alone and I wonder how I got lucky enough to end up with this woman and when she'll leave me and on the other hand... she was a loser like me at one point. She had to work at being beautiful and knows the value of what she has... tbh though that only makes me more jealous wondering why she was noticed and I wasn't. And I'm scared no one will ever see that lonely, romantic boy again. Sorry I guess I just related to your post.

    • Do you ever think that this may be brought out in an argument sometime in the future where you toss that back in his face?

    • @Daniela1982 I'll answer this since OP appears absent and I'm basically the male version of her relationship dynamic. I actually brought up her past already once in an argument and I felt so fucking bad about it that I immediately sought out therapy in secret. Like, in all honesty she hasn't actually had all that many partners it's just that before her I had zero and I always wanted to wait for someone special and in my head I'm like "but she didn't" but then, did she ask me to wait? And she's older than me and by my age I know her sex life was like 6 years and probably about 5 or 6 guys in. The way I've been trying to internalize it honestly is: Well, the other guys were number 1, 2, etc... but I'm the guy who ended up with her. Hopefully that doesn't change. Also I'm somehow a man who was a virgin at 24 who got blessed enough to end up with a girl who loves and knows how to suck a dick. There is a God.

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  • I've never asked and I don't really care! I know who he is having sex with now and that is what really matters.

  • If just drop it. She feels trapped. Doesn’t know what to tell you. Wants to give you the number you want to hear/one that will make her not slutty but not inexperienced. It’s a shitty question.

    • My wife told me and we talked about all of the guys that had fucked her. I asked her who had the biggest penis etc. I got as hard as a rock hearing about her sex experience, and she enjoyed talking about it. Thirty (30) guys had fucked her before we got married. Nice round number. Different strokes for different strokes as the expression goes. For what ever reason, hearing makes some men insecure. I WISH I HAD FUCKED THIRTY WOMEN !! " What say you, 'loves'. Dying to hear your reply !!!

    • If he’s asking because it excited him, sure. By all means. He should communicate that. My husband and I have only had sex with each other so our perspective on that is different. If we were to have other partners we would be bringing them into the marriage.

    • Thanks, 'Loves"

  • It’s got fuck all to do with you.

    if she’s had 1 or a million.

    if you judge people on numbers of partners, then how will you ever know if they tell the truth.

    • Just had a read down this thread fuck me, there are some insecure people that do not seem to understand sex and sexual partners. If you really really want to understand a person ask about their sexual history, how many people they slept with is not important, it’s the history. The caveat to that is you simply do not need to know someone’s sexual history, if you do ask, be prepared to be single for a long time. I would hazard a guess that a lot of the insecure lot are either from 6th century country’s or from the US, which to be fair there is not much difference. People do not need to know other people’s sexual history, sexual partners or other shit, it’s up to the person to inform them if they feel like it, this is where Trust snd Respect come in to it. A friend of mine is an eye surgeon, she’s currently single, I can vouch that she has had 3 sexual partners and no kids, drives a Porsche, owns her own house (bought it of me), how many guys would want to date her? A girl I dated had one sexual partner before me, I dated her for 3 months, she has had very little sexual history and a decent job. So apart from me having been there any takers? Okies, So the surgeon she got her self through Uni etc by working at a pole dancing club but did not sleep with any one as part of her work, in fact she was almost celibate through uni. The girl I dated, 1 sexual partner before me, well let’s rephrase that, 1 human sexual partner, yes she was rather friendly with Peanut Butter and her dog. So that is why numbers of partner’s do not matter and also why sexual history does not really matter and if you do ask, I hope you can handle what someone tells you. Also will you confess everything or not tell the entire truth.. No one needs to know about another persons sex life in the past, it does not concern you, it will lead to insecurities and fuck your relationship.

  • As a virgin waiting for the right woman at 24 who takes a lot of pride in the fact that I've waited for the right girl, I'd want to know. I don't judge anyone by her past but it would still just help put my mind at ease that she trusts me as much as I do with her and withholding it would essentially tell me that the trust will never be reciprocated.
    It's like withholding some vital information from your past. If you love someone, honesty should always be the desired and best route.

  • That's not okay, you have the right to know it as her partner. It's not just the past - it can tell you some things about the person, so it matters whether someone slept with 2 or 20 people.

    • No it doesn't matter and this internalized misogyny is really something you gotta work on.

    • @JustACuriousLady Yes, it does matter to me and it's not misogyny because I think the same about men, so it's not about double standards ;) The more people you sleep with, the higher chances are for catching STDs and also it tells me a lot about how they see sex, because to me it's about emotional connection and I wouldn't want a guy who sees it as a mainly physical thing. People who have sex with a lot of people are usually unhappy somewhere on the inside and can't form deep emotional relationships, because why would you need 100 partners? I prefer to do many things with one person than the same thing with many people and I'm with someone who thinks the same.

    • Few things wrong here : "People who have sex with a lot of people are usually unhappy somewhere on the inside and can't form deep emotional relationships" wrong The more people you sleep with, the higher chances are for catching STD wrong Because why would you need 100 partners? Because you want to. And that is that. This is strong internalized misogyny..

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  • I’d assume they’re a nasty slut, man or woman.

  • You need to ask yourself why it bothers you?

    • How does vaginal intercourse feels like for you?

    • It bothers that she is not trusting me and I already told her everything

    • Why does her body count bother you? Why does it matter?

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  • I simply assume they have a high body count and thus being a slut. If someone doesn't have something to hide, then they aren't going to hide it. If a girl hides her number and comes with excuses like "it's none of your business", then it's also none of her business to know why I dumped her ass and moved on to someone who is open to me.

    • Aslo, I've written a Take about this specific topic. Take a look:
      Why The Number of Sexual Partners Matters ↗

    • I read it. You make interesting points.. But I do agree in redemption. In my case I didn't have sex with a lot of girls but I definitely talked with hundreds and dated dozens. But what come next matters and why to do it. In my case, Im more for introvert side and online dating helped me by meeting a lot of girls, there was a phase that I wanted to get fun, but mostly I wanted someone for me. I dated many because many times we didn't match or we didn't know we wouldn't like each other at first. And being online dating even worse the story of chemistry. By wanting someone we can fool ourselves. So a high number might be justified depending on why the person did it, how does she feel now and etc. So if she had sex with dozens of people, I would want to know why and if she would feel the need to do it again or if it was just a phase.

    • Statistics have shwon that the effects of a promiscuous past, regardless of reason will be carried into the future and into future relationships. Hence why the overall success is lower with these women in comparison to women with little to no body count. If you're willing to overlook this matter in terms of long-term relationships, then you're free to do so. In any case, you are warned beforehand in case shit hits the fan. I'm personally staying away from women with a promiscuous past since not only am I not willing to deal with the baggage they carry from their previous partners and encounters, but I also think less of a woman with a high body count.

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  • It's not really something taht should bother you. She probably doesn't want you to feel inferior or to think of her as a skank.
    Anyway, past experiences are in the past. Focus on now.

  • To be frank, I wouldn't even ask, I don't care that much.
    But if she asks mine, I'll answer truthfully and then want to know hers - for the simples reason that honesty and being mutual on certain matters is fundamental in a relationship.

  • Well, to be honest bro. Why do you think that number is important? Will it bring you comfort? Put your mind at ease?


    I always ask the important questions such as “do they have kids? Are they clean? Do they have any recent guys who still hit her up and try to make something happen? Etc etc.”


    I’ve been with a partner who I can guess who had more partners than me and I also have been with a partner who I had more numbers than them. In the end the question is how confident are you as boyfriend and as an individual. That’s my best advice is to process why the numbers mean something to you.


    I can’t really answer it for you bro but it’s a common question to ask other people but unfortunately I can only supply you with other questions that can probably lead you to the truth on the inside. I hope that helps brother!

  • Not care? Is that the right answer?

  • I would never ask. It's not important. The only thing that I need to know is whether or not she is also having sex with others now.

  • If it was a issue I wouldn't have got in a relationship with them

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