Why am I the way I am?

[Anonymous]

Why am I the way that I am?, Well to tell you the truth, I hate myself and for very good reasons which I intend to note.

Now it’s worth noting that I am Autistic, which means my mentality and veiwpoints are very different from the average joe or jane, so be prepared.

I would like to also go on for the record, some things I stand by, others I do not, and I will make what I do and don’t stand by clear.

So I won’t go on telling you my whole life story, so I’ll make note of only the things that made me who I am.

So I was born on June 28th, 1993, around lunchtime(Which I define as from 11am to 2pm), according to my father. At the time, I was the only child, untill 1997 came around when my little bro came into the world.

Growing up, I can only remember bits and pieces of things, but one thing I do remember is spending a great deal of time with my grandparents and my uncle, my uncle introduced me to video games, which after 20 years my interest In video games seems to be dying, more on that later.

In school I was bullied a lot, in fact, I had to have been the centralised target for all the bullies, to put it in perspective, for every 1 other kid who got bullied, 1

i got bullied twice, and this happened 2 times during Afternoon Break and Lunch Break, I never stood up to the bullies, nor knew how to stand up to them, nor had the guts to stand up to them, so I let them bully me(I regretted this, and don’t stand for Bullying, and hate myself for not standing up for myself, and wish I could change this), I virtually had no freinds(I had A freind, but he lived in a different town)in school because I was a very socially awkward child who could not even do small talk, so I never had anyone stand up for me, this would continue from Grade 1 to Grade 10(Each Grade is 1 year), I never told my parents MOSTLY out of fear that the bullies would bully me more if I told anyone, in one instance, I remember someone said something that hurt me and I ran away crying, before a group of bullies came up and bullied me, calling me things like “Crybaby”, and “Little Mouse”, and anything else that their vernacular could conjoure, eventually the leader started saying this “Only babies cry, Only the weak cry, Only women cry, Crying is a clear sign of weakness, Men are not weak, so therefore Men Don’t Cry, Are you weak, are you a baby or a man”, I remember wanting nothing more than to say or do anything to get away, but I was surrounded and alone, and plus they succeeded in filling my head with the “Men Don’t Cry” thing, and I know I chosen Man, after that, they walked away, I don’t remember what happened after that, another instance I remember, I was on the swings on the playground, minding my own buisness, when I felt a sudden push that sent me high into the air, I looked down and freaked out, I was quick to get off, and wuick to see Mason Hartwell and his small group of freinds laughing their heads off, THAT was enough for me to want revenge, the next day, during Lunch Break, I located Mason, Stood up to him....Then began beating the absoloute shit out of him, my intention was to kill him, I wanted Revenge, and I came close too, had the teacher on duty not pulled me off Mason and gave me a detention(I will stand by my decision here, I’m not the killing type, but in my mind, Mason HAD to die, what he did was not forgivable, and if I ever see him again, I don’t care what the punishment is, I will finish what I set out to do, and kill him, No guns, No weapons, just my bare hands), after Grade 7, I stopped roaming the grounds, and spent more time on the PC in the library, around the same time an Aboriginal girl took a liking to me, but I admit I was very Naive and .......Very Rascist(I regret this, and do not stand by rascism), she tried for several years up untill grade 10, by that time she had given up, high school saw a dramatic decrease in bullying, I got bullied from time to time, but not nearly as much, something that I was happy for.

One lesson on sex ed had me feeling so uncomfortable, I was the only grade 11 kid to leave like I had something more important to do, surprisingly THIS is what most of the female grade 11 teens kept bringing up in conversations, I tried to change the subject EVERY TIME but it seemed a lot like they were hell bent on trying to get me to open up, but I was hell bent on keeping what I belived was meant to be kept private closed off.

Ironically, around this time my naivety died off as I remember seeing a few girls in a romantic light but never acting on it out of fear that I was not their kind of guy, in fact one of these girls I bumped into recently and when I told them this, she confessed and said “Had you asked me out there was a very high chance I would have said “I would love to”, why because you were one of the few guys who seemed like the nicest soul on the planet, but you never did, which upset me, but I moved on”, I ironically was speechless and just kept stuttering, could not think of something to say.

Whenever I was down the street, it was a common sight to see a couple(man and woman) holding hands, and it seemed very much so like Homosexuality was a massively frowned upon thing, and the word “Gay” was used as a means of noting ones discontent for someone or something. Later in life as I grew older, I came to accept straight as THE ONLY sexuality, and the right one, and once I started to apply logic to things, Homosexuality became more socialy accepted, pretty much when this happened, thats when I thought “Is this world full of sickos”,(I stand by my beliefs very strongly), of course as it got more accepted, the more I was sickened, I try many times to make people see logic, reason and common sense, but so far as society is concerned, Homosexuality is as normal as watching porn, which at this point I scold society for becoming crack heads because something sickening, wrong, not logical or consistent with natures way is being considered normal, I go by a saying “If this is the way society is going, then I’m the only human on this planet, and if I’m not human, then I’m the first alien”, to be clear I am NOT saying “Kill all homosexuals”, rather I’m saying “Frown at Homosexuality like it’s something sick and wrong”

When it comes to Politics, I just kept seeing politicians lie, lie and more lie, none of the Australian Prime Ministers followed through with what they “promised”, and now we have had a shuffle of 10 Prime Ministers in 10 years, which is a joke, And i also hate the Compulsory Voting System, I personally prefer Americas Optional Voting System, here in Australia, you don’t vote, you get a $50AUD fine, the more consectutive years you don’t vote, the higher the fine, basically the Australian Governments way of saying “You don’t vote, we get access to some of your hard earned money, on top of the tax you already pay us”, I believe that all countries would do better WITHOUT a government, because at the end of the day, each government does virtually the same thing, lie, cheat and steal(I stand by this)

Relationships and Women, When I got my first girlfriend, I had litterally no clue what to do, so I learned along the way, I will spare you the details, and just say I went through 5 breakups before my view on women went from bright, vivid colours to plain Black and White,(I regret ever getting into a relationship), I have a saying “All women are bitches, because I had five gf’s and they were all bitches”, I know that does not sound very logical, nor is it true, and here is the interesting part, My emotional side wants to get a girlfriend, it does not care about what happened before, it just wants someone to love and care for and kiss, cuddle, etc, my Mental side remembers all to well what happened to me in the five failed relationships I had, and would rather I remain single, recently I have been desiring sex like a madman, which as it is goes against the fact that I have supressed my sexual desires for a long time simply because I did’nt want to impart the “All males are horny” stereotype on me(I Support this), but I think of my Mental and Emotional states like a war, both are fighting for something, only problem is, they are evenly matched, and neither side is winning, and I can’t offer support to any side because I’m preoccupied with other things.

Money, I have always saw money as an unneeded commodity, it creates greed(I support this), and I believe that the barter system is a much better, less greed inducing method for attaining goods and services.

Religion, I have never been a man of religion, I prefer facts, logic, common sense, I go by the statement “I will believe in a god when a god can prove to me that they exist, preferably taking on a physical form, preferably human, untill that happens, I will not belive in fake”(Completely agree), and not to mention, I know religion instills some form of false hope in making them think there is more to life, when hope is ineffective at many things, I belive when you instill false hope, you put ideas into ones head that have not been proven true or false, I believe Religion should not exist so people can start living without having unproven things drilled into their heads.

Memes and stereotypes, I have seen the stupity of memes and the repetitveness of Stereotypes, both of which I want to eliminate from existence for the good of everyone, especially our youth(I support this)

Enviroment, I have always wanted to see a better future both enviromentally and technologically, (I agree)and so when I see all the ICE(Internal Combustion Engine) cars going, I fear for our delicate planet, And I would do anything to urge everyone to move to a much more eco freindly means of doing things.

Depression, I have fell in and out like a yoyo, but in todays day and age, I have depression and I just take a look at the state of our world and just see in a few million years, everything changing for the worst, and it upsets me to see that no one is trying to do something about it.

Video Games: I have been playing games for 20 years now, and have seen games go from 2d sprite based platformers to 3D, 4K 60FPS games that always ask for pretty much the same amount of resources from your gaming device in the last 10 years(anotherwords tech or games have not really changed much), and my disinterest is simply because games are not as attention grabbing, nor do they have any long lasting replay value to keep players coming, but whats saddening is because I have no other hobbies(besides wanting to make music which i nether have to tools or skills I need to make music)I force myself to play games which is only accelerating my disinterest(I don’t support forcing something that you have very little to no interest in), it’s safe to say I boot up a game only to close it a few mins later.

Pornography, Touchy topic but I have NEVER watched porn, and for very good reason, I call pornography “unneeded exhibition of sexual acts”, to me pornography is addictive and mind corrupting, as those that watch it seem to be drawn to want to watch more, plus in my opinion it instills fake images and ideas that are not consistent with the real world, not mention that I believe that it is an invasion of privacy to see one naked or having sex for that matter, I was taught by my dad “Sex SHOULD ALWAYS be kept private and between you and your partner”, so to me, porn is a breach of this “policy”(and I say policy for lack of a better word), i believe one should never watch porn, nor record porn, nor keep porn, If you really want to have sex that badly, go hit a girl/guy up, I learned girls and guys are equal in horniness.

Space Exploration,(I 100% support this) I will always belive that we should be focusing our efforts to unlocking the infinite mysteries of the universe, plus space is fascinating.

Homlessness and Poverty,(I don’t support these), I find it saddening when I see a homeless person sleeping on a park bench or seeing what its like for those in india, I would do anything to fix these problems.

Crime, nothing makes me wanna scream more than when news surfaces of another mass murder, another break in, another theft, the list goes on, and on, and on, I have said, the best soloution to permanantly getting rid of crime is to not give any second chances, you steal, you go to jail, kill, you go to jail, no matter the crime, the only way to stop crime is to give people every reason not to comit a crime, by sending to jail for even the smallest crime it instills fear, making people think “I don’t wanna go to jail, so I will do the right thing”?

Weapons, (100% agree)I am moreso going to note America here as Australia’s gun laws are pretty solid, but I belive that guns are as unneeded as money, and should not exist, true guns make killing easier, but I would rather make killing harder, way harder, almost impossible even, I believe EVERY COUNTRY should do the following; Only the members of the military and law enforcement should have the right to bear arms, civilians are forbidden to bear any weapons and are required to pass a phyciatric test before reciving a permit to bear arms.

Prrsonally I’m a pacifist so to me guns should not exist period.

At the end of it all, I admit, I made a lot of mistakes in my life, and done things I wish I never did, Granted, it would be wise for me to forget the past and Keep Moving Forward, but because my past affects me the way it does, and because my past is the only thing I can think of, I don’t think I’ll ever move forward, I won’t let of my past till I can find a way to completely rewrite it, which scientificly will never be possible, and even if it was, rewriting my past may end up having devastating effects on my future. I have to live with my regrets, my decisions, I caused my past to be what it is, and only I can take responsibility.