Why Are Men SO Selfish?

[cyanidesoul]

Basic Respect: So Easy A CAVEMAN Could Do It!

Hear me out.

This isn't a femmecel thing, it's a genuine roadblock in my head where I can't understand why guys -even the good ones- are SO selfish.

Example:

We have plans that you planned. I put aside my work responsibilities for that night, knowing that my deadline would still be reached if I respected the terms of our engagement and did what needed to be done so that we could hang out. (Not date mind you, I'm talking about male friends) so I am comparing their actions to the actions of female friends DIRECTLY.

We are both busy people, and my work is just as important as yours. But while I managed my time appropriately to accommodate all the things happening in my life that day so that you would not feel forgotten (ie. making sure to vacuum my house, clean the restroom and the tabletops, dust the home, make food for the event as a good hostess does, etc) and the time we are supposed to spend time together comes and goes without a glance, you not texting to update me on why you're not showing up: You expecting me to reach out and chase you down like a pissed off momma to remind you of your engagements like I'm somehow your mother and your receptionist tied into one. And then if I do check in out of concern because 'this is a good guy. he's not typically this rude. maybe something happened' I get what? A laughed-off oopsie-daisy? A vague flippant apology? If that. Or the generic and impersonal 'well it's getting light and I'm still working on this thing I want to work on so I wasn't sure if you're still gonna be awake for long' storyline.

This last one is especially interesting to me cuz you're telling me that if you got tired and changed your mind about hanging out you would just go to sleep and expect me to read your mind about it. You have zero concern for how the lack of communication involved in your choices could lead to wasting literal hours of my fucking life because I had set aside time to clean and cook in order to make you comfortable in my house when I could have just worked an extra shift, grabbed a snack, and went to bed early. You are effectively now eating into my net income.

And it doesn't end there. You come over hours later than previously discussed and I am socialized to have to remain courteous and gracious like a good girl does because ladies do not raise their voice, they do not speak up against a man, and a good hostess is respectful of their company's concerns. This includes time concerns. But does it come from the other direction? Not a fat chance on a bat out of hell. I mention that you should bring something along because apparently I am your mother and your secretary and you have been raised by wolves. This could be anything. A bottle of wine or cheap drugstore soda. A dessert, any dessert, of your choosing. Any food item at all no matter how cheap so that you are actually fucking contributing to the social requirements of spending time together and are not just actively draining me out of my time, energy, money, and food reserves. Has any male friend ever acquiesced to the accordance of good manners in this way? Don't make me laugh. If I would invite a woman to my house she would not even need to be told. The immediate response from any woman in any social setting where I am agreeing to host us spending time together is always "What should I bring?" Because she will never be the tapeworm that a man is.

So you come over. You male friend X. And what is glued to your fingertips the entire time? Well, it's your phone of course. Why would I, a lowly female, think for even a fraction of a second that you could be without this abominable metal rock for a whole three seconds of your life uninterrupted, let alone an hour? Funny how it seems so glued to your hands now, yet you couldn't be bothered earlier to send me any type of text, email, phone call, or carrier pigeon to let me know that you're running late or work is piling up and you might need to reschedule. How dare I, a woman, desire your attention on the activity at hand when you were the one who initiated planning this event, to begin with. YOU chose this day and I moved things around to make it work. If this day wasn't available for you to be socially present, then why are you wasting my time, money, resources, and food?

And let's talk about that food. The food I provided which you hoovered down with such gusto that I barely got a bite in edge-wise. I am now starving because you couldn't be bothered to hit a drive-through and spend your precious buck twenty-five before getting here (And we both know you had no qualms about being substantially late so let's not use that as any excuse). What's the protocol here? Make more food in the hopes I'll actually be able to eat some of it this time? Kick you out because you provide nothing, are wasting my night, money, food, resources, and time, still glued to your stupid phone like an asshole? Well, that would be just rude of me now wouldn't it? It's not like this is a date. Men don't have to show basic courtesy if y'all are 'just friends' right? You mean nothing to him if your pussy isn't giving his dick a chokehold. What did I really expect?

Why are men such greedy little children who think women are meant to cater to their every whim? Why do they show little to no respect at all at any given moment? And why, when you were reading this, did you get defensive and say something like 'calm down' 'you're overreacting' 'this isn't even that deep' or 'maybe you need to lower your standards. he's *just* a friend.' /'sounds like you want to fuck him.' -_-

Funny, because my female *just* friends do not treat me like I am a free employee with buckets of disposable time, resources, and income. And I never have to give them head to 'earn' this bare-minimum basic level of common fucking sense.

[DarkWinterNights]

Maybe you just have higher quality female friends than male friends. I know plenty of people of both genders that act that way. Some are in my own family. You need to set your boundaries and learn to push back or they’ll just continue to take advantage of you.

[Randalama]

Cuz you hang out with Chad. You know this already. Stop hanging out with Chad. Larry's cooler than you think. Hang out with Larry.

[Rosexøxø]

To be fair. Before I even go on-

You’re right. Some of that behavior is WRONG for that setting and environment.

I just want to say, I think most guys would prefer hanging out. Not actually going to a house of a lady friend or so.

Outside activities/ outside social activities/ are the best options.

Eating at a restaurant expensive or cheap- it doesn’t matter.

Some place to watch games/ some place to have outdoors as the scene while you both could small talk about work or other stuff.

Public places where you both could talk instead of a one-on-one in a house.. 🤷‍♀️

Men can and should be communicative, no doubt about that, but a lot of them aren’t brought up in women evolutionary social cues. I don’t think a lot of them would know or think to ask of what they should bring and I don’t think a lot of them even ask that on all guy play dates.

Unless it were a literal buffet to watch the super bowl, or some other large pig out with sports or games to play, then they may ask. Like “yo beer? Chips? The poker chips?” You know what I mean?

That’s heavily stereotypical for the males, but I say it to make the point.

There’s a LOT of times when men are wrong 100% but I don’t think this is one of those moments, and as very wrong as it is for them to leave you hanging and not think thoughts of consideration for their female friend, I think you are fueling whole ideologies into this isolated scenario of home etiquette and many men do not have home etiquette.

Mature men would. Those who listened to some stuff their mom and sisters did-

married ones would get it. Any willing to observe just what happens when ladies go to a baby shower or any other social gathering and home invites.

I think men would also offer them a simple sandwich or just a bunch of stuff knowing that guys eat a lot.

I think guys also know to keep it in public and have multiple friends usually, so minimize waiting on someone, or paying for another person.

Basically when guys eat out- and you should try to mirror this, for future reference: they all pay for their own meal. Or the one inviting wouldn’t invite unless he could afford the offer to pay that time. If you did hang out publicly, maybe ask if they could afford to pay their own meal, and then decide on a place.

I think when guys hang out with one other guy in the public scene, it would be if they can trust he’d be there on time. They would talk about stuff. That’s a best friend to a guy or a long time friend.
SO

If you adopt this trait, you’d have to invite a guy friend, who you know personally to be on time and take talks between friends seriously.

When it’s a good date with multiple friends, it won’t matter how late he arrives, and he’ll realize at some point they may leave so he’ll just have to take something to go, or buy something quick elsewhere. He’ll learn for next time.

The other option is like outdoor places with food vendors or getting something local by walk or a drive-thru. You obviously pay for your own. He does too. You both catch the locals and talk. Maybe near theaters/ parks/ beaches/ malls/ clubs/ etc.

It’s not an intimate date, it’s you both just casually talking about whatever you needed to talk about, and maybe you’d both head home after, or stop by one of those places for a bit and then go home.

Home invites are almost too dainty for some men.

Some will appreciate it, so obviously you need to know who you’re hanging with and never invite just any guy associate to your home.

if they were closer friends, you would’ve told them.

If it was one on one at a restaurant and they were late? You would’ve told him ofc.

Guys don’t have the stomach for finger sandwiches and don’t always find a glass of wine with candles and an hour long talk as fun, exactly.

Some might! You have to see if that’s even what they find as fun.

Seems to me it’s not in their character to have wanted to talk- they’re not the communicative type. They get held up a lot, they’re not responsible individuals.

Let then invite you for a change.

Keep your true friendships with the guys who seem to know how to talk to women or the ones at least showing they want to learn.

Those guys don’t know much and don’t seem to mind. Leave them be?

Also men won’t care much when their friends have a house lived in, or someone who takes pride in being a neat freak- just don’t do it for them..

guys never do it for other guys, lol.

If you want to do it for your friends and you want to talk and they should be interested in what YOU find fun-

then find the guys who will actually be invested to do so, and it’s not their first finger sandwich, bringing sides, rodeo to a hospitable lady friend’s house.

I feel like mostly guys who grew up in suburban environments with their moms and sisters, and female friends. The ones who had lots of female friends would get this 100%

Just save yourself the stress by knowing who you’ve invited to your home.

Best to you sis!

Those guys you hung out with definitely weren’t considerate, and I wouldn’t invite them to my home.

[MrOracle]

This is not a "men" issue, because most men are not like this. This is a "full of themselves men" issue - which is a small subset of men.

And, as a man, let me assure you, if a man shows you such little respect as this guy did, you are FULLY justified in NOT being a gracious host when he shows up hours late, and to instead send him packing. He's clearly the asshole, but you didn't help things by letting it slide - you only taught him that such selfish behavior is excusable when you let him in and entertained him after he blew you off. That makes it worse for everyone, but it's also exactly why these guys act like they do: people let them get away with it (because they're attractive - always).

Again, this is NOT an issue about men - I know a subset of women do exactly the same thing - but rather about a subset of people who are attractive and popular and so they are self-centered and self-absorbed, and are used to getting away with their awful behavior because people don't want to displease them, even though they clearly care little about the feelings of the people the routinely hurt and disappoint.

Please, direct your (justified) anger at the people who are the problem, and not at the entire pool of men, who are not the problem.

[nitsuj86]

You sound like a nightmare.

1. If you don't like men so much, don't be friends with them. Pretty easy, we aren't upset about it don't worry.

2. My male friends would never invite me over to dinner or anything and expect me to bring something without telling/asking me. We aren't women... if you want us to bring something ask us. Don't expect us to "read YOUR mind"

All my friends ask for is my company, we don't really expect anything else. Apparently, you do.

3. I would say you sound like the child here. Most men I'm friends with, would not give a fuck about all of the things you are complaining about. It would be a non-issue. And if it was we would just say something, and it would be done.

You are the one whining and complaining, and acting like this man who isn't fucking you owes you something. Get a boyfriend if you want a guy who gives a fuck. Otherwise, be friends with women. Problem solved.

[zeitgeist057]

Agree on a lot of these points. If I invite people (men or women) over and I want them to bring something, I communicate that. If I provide food, I do it because I want to give them food, not because I want to complain that they ate the food that I gave them. (Same for drink). If I don't want them to drink that 12 pack of beer in my fridge, I communicate that. This whole rant about how some guy ate food that she provided is so passive-aggressive; like why would you offer the food then complain that he ate it? I mean, honestly, the guy does sound like an asshole, being on the phone while hanging out with his "friend", but a lot of the other stuff like coming over late, if you don't want him to come over late, say "it's too late now, I don't want to hang out this late." and communicate that the specific time was important to you. As someone else said, it's about boundaries. But if you don't communicate them, then it's partly on you as dude isn't a mind-reader.

[MrNameless]

I'm sorry you went through this. Many guys, especially younger men don't know the proper manners. Perhaps they weren't raised like this, and they were unchecked.

Many people learn it the hard way by losing people from this. What's worse is that often, nobody tells them. Sometimes they don't care, or are unaware.

Not all men are like this. But you live and you learn. How close are you guys anyway?

[weysally]

I don't think men are selfish, I have heard on many occasions that they would like to give her one or that girl one, never heard a girl say she would like to give one

[Malgaran]

To be honest, I never met a woman who was more selfless than I am. In my experience people overall are just selfish and self absorbed. I can relate to your complaints that way, but I certainly don't think this is a "men" issue. People in general are so thoughtless, it's frustrating and tiresome to deal with. Every interaction you have you are like constantly reminded that people don't think about others the way you do, then you feel more alone and isolated or like a crazy person, an alien that don't belong.

Honestly humanity is evil by default, if people don't put in the effort to actually be good, it just shows, and hurts everyone around them, for the most part it's even unintentional. Like logically, what does it take to be bad?, nothing. That's always the end answer. It takes nothing to be evil.

To be good however, You must be patient, kind, understanding, thoughtful, respectful, considerate , open, wise, etc. It requires a lot from you. Society is more like "me me me" these days. Self serving and egotistical.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. "You" do this and "you" do that. NO, I DON'T!

2. Neither do most men.

3. It's easer to generalize and blame "men" than to think that perhaps you are contributing to this problem. Can't imagine that you have caused this fiasco? Think about this: every one of these losers who you are describing are the losers who YOU selected to be your dates/boyfriends/partners, so you need to ask yourself:

4. Why do you keep picking such losers instead of dating grown men?

[inhua]

question could be asked about women too

[SaltyBeaches]

They're not. I mean yeah some are for sure, but most are not selfish like you describe. Sorry you had a bad experience with a guy, but not all guys are like that.

[Deliciouscookies]

Must humans are selfish, end of story.

[StephiC]

I couldn't read all of this. Your problem is you think men are hairy women.

They do not protect, they are territorial.

They do not work to contribute they work to compete.

They do not love you, they are lustful to a distraction, if you're lucky enjoy your company and like all the other female benefits you provide.

Men see women as tools, like under an MRI it can be proven. When you present yourself as a benefits package, rather than a prize to be coveted you get that behaviour.

Yes it sucks that we get to choose to be the trophy or the multipurpose jack of all trades lady fixer... but men see women, especially attractive women, as tools.

It's why being the good girl without solid and sharp boundaries puts you in the slave category. You don't have to be evil but you need to shallowly demonstrate 'high value' so he knows he needs to put in work to earn time around you. Whether that's good behaviour, thoughtful gifts etc.

[Blondeguy666]

Billions of men and you keep running into the same variety? That's definitely a you problem, not a male problem. I kept running into nasty women that behaved like my narcissistic mother until I realised it was my fault for constantly recreating the same broken relationship. You need to take a deep look inside yourself.

[Truthatanycost]

This sounds more like a boundary issue. If this has happened more than once and you're still making more plans then it's on you. The comments about hanging out with Chad are also good points because all of those boring average nice guys that lack options wouldn't be treating you that way at all... but you already know this. But regardless of Chad or gender, this is only possible if you allow it.

[OfMiceandMen]

Sounds to me like you've been dating boys and not men.

I would be pissed too, if a woman did the same thing to me. You can't be so casual/flippant in a relationship to be unreliable or uncaring. Food costs a lot these days, so the other person should cook equally... its a Chauvinistic attitude to expect someone to make your meals and pay them no real attention after they do something kind for you.

Hopefully, you find someone willing to put in the effort and appreciate the things you do for them someday.

[Pegases]

The main problem is that you allowed someone to overstep your boundaries. While he may be inconsiderate, its your responsibility to know your boundaries, and not allow someone to take advantage of you. Anyone would have a problem with cancelled plans in the way he cancelled them. He is immature, plain and simple. Lastly, your wording... MEN are just as capable of being selfish as WOMEN. I don't know if you just wanted to grab peoples attention, but well done if so, because I see this bs so often today that I can't help but be irritated by yet another women trying to place all men into a box because of something one man did you. Dont want to seem like another femmecel, then dont write like one.

[zeitgeist057]

Excellent answer. My very first thought was that the communication is lacking and the boundaries are not being set. People walk all over you if you let them, and not just "messed up selfish people". Boundaries are something that is always being tested and if you have none, or are not good at communicating them, they will always be ignored.

[Summeroflove]

Not all guys are. Yeah it is a incel thing. You just pick the wrong men.

[AMS700CX4u2]

Maybe the bigger question is, why are you attracted to those particular personalities?

[Finchie40]

Bottom line most men and females are selfish we all have selfishness in us , it’s learning how to remove selfishness is the challenge and the lesson we should learn if we want to keep friendships or relationships , what this guy did to you was very selfish on his part and was only thinking of himself so yes you have every right to be upset with him and if I was you I wouldn’t do shit for him ever again realize he didn’t consider you what so ever , he was only thinking of himself , that right there is a guy you shouldn’t get involved with , he already showed his true colors whether he is just a friend or someone you have interest in it doesn’t matter kick his ass to the curb. I can’t stand selfish people that only think of themselves when they constantly ask for favors but do not know how to give back in return , people like that I kick to the curb , especially girls that are that way , I won’t tolerate or commit to a girl if she doesn’t know how to remove selfishness for me , pretty much Why I am single , because most girls’ I dated or was in a relationship with were all selfish girls , they do not know how to remove selfishness for someone , they always think of themselves and what is best for them. They don’t wear your shoes like they expect you to wear theirs, why most relationships fail is because someone doesn’t know how to remove selfishness for their partner , it’s always their way or no way , living selfish will get you no where in life , oh wait yes it will, Lonely , My trust for people has pretty much gone out the window why I don’t bend over backwards for anyone anymore , I will only treat someone the same way I want to be treated , if they can not treat me back to same way then they are best to move on cuz I already have 1 foot out the door , I can’t be someone’s convenience or someone’s pinching bad for long , we are all imperfect people but if you make a mistake be honest about it don’t point fingers at someone else before pointing fingers at yourself. Girls I have gave my heart to just turned around and stabbed it because they were selfish girls that only thought of themselves , they could never be wrong it was always my fault , so until I meet a girl that knows how to remove selfishness my ass is staying single

[Chazmatazz269]

Same reasons women are SO selfish, including you. Have a look in the mirror, maybe.

[Bricealan]

The 'selfish' sword does cut both ways, but I agree, men can be more thoughtless, about things, perhaps not being deliberately 'selfish' per se, but just 'clueless' about what they should do and when to do it.