Why do I feel like I’m just a fantasy for guys?

[Anonymous]

[Heterosketero]

This question catches my attention. Someone once said to me, if you don't have a plan, you are part of somebody elses. I dont know you, I dont know if you go to school, have a career, party, I dont know. What I do know as an older man in this changing world is that traditional values are coming back like a hammer. Women want to be appreciated for more than how sexy they are, they want to be beautiful, at least I think they do. Men, want a woman they can make plans with, build something with. That man and that women are never going to meet one another in hookup culture and I am not saying that you are down for that, but if you are asking this question, you aren't dating men, you are dating boys.

The most fantastic, the most devastating woman I ever met (you can tell how that worked out) I called her my fantasy, and she was, I am not a one night kinda guy at all, I need friendship first, she was my little kindred fae; If I had thought to say she was my dream instead, we might still be together and I never got over it, even after 11 years. And we live in a tiny remote community, it sucks. But we both deal, it was a fuggin ugly split.

Chase yourself, try and woo yourself, be your own fantasy and you might end up some mans dream :) Hope that helps dear :)

[Finchie40]

Are you very attractive? Guys are drawn to a girls beauty , if you are well put together and you dress sexy or nice , and you have a sexy body , beautiful eyes etc.. a guy is going to imagine fucking you , Most guys are drawn to a girls beauty that’s what makes him drawn to her in the first place , so in a sense you are a guy’s fantasy if you are very attractive cuz he will picture you in bed with him, Men are visual creatures , Girls are as well , but not as much as a man is , A girl is more drawn to a guys masculine energy and the way he presents himself , or his personality , or his status , she is turned on by those traits in a man so more on a emotional connection level A guy is manly drawn to her beauty first and then her personality, A guy expresses his love for a girl through sex , that’s how he feels close to her and he feels she adores him and wants him and respects him , when she gives him sex and initiates sex with him he is going to be a happy man When she stops giving him sex he will feel unloved and unwanted , he will feel she doesn’t desire him anymore which could push him to end the relationship or be acceptive of another girl that wants to be in his arms , Why sex is important to a man in a relationship , That’s his way of showing her he loves and adores her , if a man doesn’t want to have sex with you , then he is more than likely up to no good , or he lost the passion for you , when a guy feels like he can’t initiate sex with his girl she better be prepared to be dumped or replaced

[tinydiva1991]

Because your beautiful and you probably fuck good! Lol

[Asker]

I do 🤭 but only if I’m in a relationship.

[peterrezeeek]

can i get ur ig?

[MrCommodore]

I know what you mean, I feel that I'm the same for women. I often want to scream "I'm a person too you know!!, not just a piece of sexy meat for you to glare at".

[Asker]

That’s how I feel. They have no idea what to talk about with me.

[MrCommodore]

Its a burden some of us have to deal with.

[Asker]

guess I’ll be single forever. Lol I can’t seem to connect with anyone at all.

[MrCommodore]

I'm sure you'll meet a guy who is more than that. I can physically connect no problem, but can't that emotional connection from them, its just physical interest.

[Asker]

Same here! I’m also really sweet and reserved…apparently guyd like girls who are mean?

[MrCommodore]

Thats not true, most guys prefer sweet and reserved girls, or maybe that's just me who does 😉

[Asker]

There’s a girl I know who is really rude but guys are like obsessed with her.

[MrCommodore]

I don't waste time with rude girls, even if they are flirting with me, but rude to others I would move on.

[Asker]

She’s really nice to their face. But to me she tells me she doesn’t think they’re hot and wants an open relationship

[MrCommodore]

Interesting, deceptive girl by the sounds of it.

[Asker]

Yeah I like a guy right now. I added him on LinkedIn and sent a message with the request. He accepted but hasn’t replied :/

[MrCommodore]

Most guys (myself included) wouldn't consider a girl adding us on LinkedIn to be a signal or sign. It's professional profiles only, he may not have realised you are interested romantically

[Asker]

Yeah ikr lol I don’t use LinkedIn to hit on anyone I swear. This is a really special situation. So I wonder if I should indicate I’d love to meet for coffee or something.

[MrCommodore]

Yes go for it, asking someone for a coffee is a nice opener

[Asker]

Haha it’s just I already messaged him before but he didn’t see. What should I say? :-) I trust your input!

[MrCommodore]

My advice is to be subtle, it's better to make him wonder than to make it obvious that you like him, encourage him to make the first move. I heard a funny saying "A guy chases a girl until she catches him", a nod that women always initiate and encourage a guy to chase.

[Asker]

What should I say? I already sent my message in the invite which he didn’t see yet. I don’t wanna look desperate but I like him.

[MrCommodore]

That depends on what your initial message to him said?

[Asker]

It was just “Hi Tom, I saw you as a suggestion and thought it’d be great to connect. We were in band and a few other things several years ago. I hope you’re doing well! -Katia”

[MrCommodore]

Ok, well that message was definitely very friendly and inviting. I think maybe just ping him with a single word message.

[Asker]

Yeah I don’t think he saw the first message. It’s hard to gauge his interest especially on here since not a dating platform. Lol. Also if we met for coffee - he’s a super smart guy like went to Harvard. I doubt we’d have a lot in common. I’m smart too but not his level.

[MrCommodore]

You could still be a good partner, education levels don't determine suitability. Its possible his LinkedIn notifications are off, so he might not bother checking it. You could try him on Facebook or other platforms?

[Asker]

Haha Can I just say “are you in the downtown area? I’d love to meet for coffee or something if you’re available.”

[MrCommodore]

You could, but it might be too obvious that you're after him 😊 which could be ok, but you don't want him to take advantage.

[Asker]

Then what can I say so it’s not too obvious? Lol 😂

[Asker]

Also he’s a very decent person. He’s not the type of guy who likes to whore around or anything. He respects women.

[MrCommodore]

Seek his help with a project or something that only he could do. Its less obvious, but it an opportunity to get chatting

[Asker]

But then he’d just answer it over message haha

[Asker]

Or how about “hey Tom I had some questions about *company name here* are you available for coffee sometime?

[MrCommodore]

No, something that needs him physically to help, like at a specific place.

[Asker]

And THEN keep in touch with him/apply or whatever then tell him I actually accepted an offer elsewhere. But could be a good way to keep a solid contact.

[Asker]

What kind of place?

[MrCommodore]

Somewhere you are comfortable, where you can chat to him, like it can be a public place.

[Asker]

Lol just help me with what to say! 😃 I am clueless!

[Asker]

We don’t go to the same places. I don't know what he does lol

[MrCommodore]

Just as you said above, "Hi Tom, I am seeking your knowledge about "Company name here", due to an upcoming interview or project. Could you meet up with me to discuss? I'm flexible

[Asker]

I think that sounds good. It’s much less like super straightforward like what I was gonna say!

[Asker]

He works a lot of hours with his job. Just what do I say when/if we finally do meet up?

[MrCommodore]

Sometimes it's good to be straightforward and open, but only if you really trust that he won't take advantage.

[Asker]

Then again I don't know what to talk about when we do meet. Lol he might wanna know.

[MrCommodore]

You have time to work on what to say, just do some research on him, what his interests are. Then prep questions to get him talking

[Asker]

I plan to talk about the industry. Trends, math and comp sci nerdy stuff. He works in consulting and I’m in banking. But he’s a little less social than me.

[MrCommodore]

My suggestion: Start talking about stuff he is into, if he is less social, he will probably come out of his shell more. Then when he is talking more freely you can direct the conversation to topics that you prefer.

[Asker]

I’m gonna send the message. Wish me luck. Lol. I’m just gonna be really polite/friendly in the message.

[MrCommodore]

Ok, good luck with this, hope it works out well.

[MrCommodore]

I'm going to be asleep shortly, as its after 3am here in Ireland

[Guffrus]

Every guy would like to be with a beautiful woman so if thats what you are then you are every guys fantasy.

YOU however are the one who has decided that that is ALL you are.

[Asker]

You’re right. Totally. I am just really shy and keep to myself mostly so I don’t come off very friendly.

[Asker]

I actually have depression too.

[Guffrus]

Well it's unfortunately true what they say that you have to learn to love yourself before you can share love with someone else so you should work on your self love affirmation stuff etc.

[Asker]

I love myself. I’m just not able to find someone right for me.

[Guffrus]

I have always thought of self love and depression being mutually exclusive but perhaps they aren't. I do also consider depression to be a natural and normal response to being or feeling trapped in a hopeless situation.

[Dargil]

What features do you display?

[RavVid]

I think you need to give more info for meaningful answers. Do you mean as a sexual fantasy?

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

So sad, that's how some guys turn out to be.

[megabamse]

You might be looking in the wrong place. Also trying to hard maybe and/or making it to easy? Men likes to date down to earth ladies that is femenin, and if it's all looks and titts then they don't take them seriously as a potential relationship. Try to tone down your sexual side, keep it sexy, but not "easy" of you get what i mean.

[Asker]

Ummm I don’t dress slutty. Lol.

[megabamse]

That's not the point. The main point is you are either or both looking for the wrong set of men by always going for a specific type. And always going for the same type and expect a different result, well that's a sign of madness. Also if you behave like your easy, then they might think your not dating potential. You say you don't dress sluty. let's but that to the test. On your IG if you have that, how many bikini pictures and similar do you have on it?

[Asker]

I don’t have ANY bikini photos. I don’t post things online like that. And no I’m not easy. I make them put in effort and I’m classy. So I’m not who you’re drawing up in your head, respectfully.

[megabamse]

Well since most people are not mind reader's, and there is no pictures of you. And we don't know any details of you other then what you write, how could we know? So it's a reasonable assumption to think this. We don't know what you are doing wrong because we don't know what you are doing, we know next to nothing. To let someone you like get the impression that you like them is not wrong at all. Try and be natural, don't play games, be direct, be honest. The ones that wants you for who you are they will stick around. But no one will stick around for games.

[Asker]

I think I’m not opening up correctly to guys. I have a lot of blockage and I’m guarded, don’t trust anyone so easily. Also I’m in the spectrum so I don’t read cues well. I quite literally think men just stare and can’t keep their eyes off, even when I’m wearing a long wool fur coat and dressing fancy. I just wanna be liked for me.

[megabamse]

Well the average man don't know how to deal with someone on the spectrum. But it does help of you tell them upfront that you are on the spectrum and therefore can sometimes misunderstand things or for that matter be misunderstood. Then they would know and can sort of put their mids into it differently.

[Asker]

I feel like that’s effecting me connecting with them. I’m also really intelligent and write code for a living, being on the spectrum makes you also kinda weird and funny which can make me have to dumb myself down to make myself more digestible.

[megabamse]

Why not look for university educated people? There are dating pages where only university educated people join. You can read about what lvl of degrees they have and what subject. Maybe someone else on the spectrum? Or for that matter another coder/programmer

[Asker]

Yeah it’s super hard to. They’re just so rare. I only really vibe with insanely intelligent people. Not being bratty it’s just I can’t connect otherwise.

[megabamse]

I know the feeling, you end up viewing them as cute pets in a way.

[kellytheman]

It could how you are dress or how you carry yourself and maybe your personality. I am not saying change all that but maybe tweak it a little bit and find out want gives off the fantasy vibe.

[Asker]

I think what I meant (after thinking this through) is I feel like I’m inaccessible (quiet, classy, pretty but not overly friendly) to them so they just stare and come up with who they think I am. I leave a lot to the imagination.

[kellytheman]

Okay then maybe find a place where you are comfortable and go with one or couple of your girlfriend's and try to push yourself and get support from your friends to be a little more vocal and maybe even a little vulnerable and open.

[shanshu]

Just prob are, they just don't know how to approach you to date you because they might think you will say no

[dinojames22]

Because your beautiful and amazing

[Anonymous]

Dunno, maybe because you see something nice in the mirror?

[Asker]

I am pretty sexy lol 😂

[Opinion Owner]

Really? How sexy are we talking about?

[Asker]

Natural Redhead, 5’9”, pale, 135 pounds

[Opinion Owner]

Natural redhead is surely rare, but I still think it is stupid to fantasize over someone who you have no soul connection with

[Opinion Owner]

So yeah to really answer your question is most likely superficiality and maybe too much porn in the lifes of the guy you are in contact with

[Asker]

I don't know I’m not a guy lol

[Opinion Owner]

Well from an older guy perspective it is like that, just too hard for them to see behing your physical appearance and to your essence.