Why do people confuse being rape and being dominated?

[Sunflower19]

I've seen questions and opinions about rape fantasies which is very disturbing to see. Some people don't even know what it's liked to be Raped yet they are wishing it upon themselves. Once it happens your life is ruined, you are deeply traumatized and it's not the same. Being Dominated is totally different from being Raped. Being raped is when you don't want penetration, you DON'T want it to happen, it's not consensual, it harms you, it violates you and yet it still happens against your will. Being Dominated is when you WANT it to happen, you are giving 100% consent, you are being submissive and your partner is making decisions while being dominant. Why do people think their are the same? Or confuse it?

[redeyemindtricks]

Hi there,
First, I'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through. It's NEVER easy, and a lot of the recovery process is frighteningly solitary, just you and yr thoughts.

That said.

First, read my opinion here (mho opinion):
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1970177-i-have-a-forced-sex-rape-fantasy-is-this-normal

Also, read the mho opinion here, for a little relevant background:
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1956578-i-want-to-have-sex-but-i-don-t-like-the-idea-of-the-guy-dominating

Okay.

__

Now let's talk about these things.

You wrote:
"Being Dominated is when you WANT it to happen, you are giving 100% consent, you are being submissive and your partner is making decisions while being dominant."

^^ So... Not really.
This is being the "bottom" in a bdsm pairing, but, if you think about it, it's not actually submission at all.
In this arrangement, YOU are actually more of the dominant, IN REALITY.
YOU are like the conductor of an orchestra, and the guy -- however much he might be smacking you around or tying you up or bruising you or whatever -- is ultimately like a musician who's following YOUR orders.

In other words, in reality, *almost all* bottoms are ACTUALLY the dominant half of the pair. The bottom is the one setting all the boundaries, drawing all the limit lines, and making all the ultimate rules.

And... this is ABSOLUTELY HOW IT SHOULD BE.
For safety's sake.

__

Ok.

Now...
Think about a relationship like mine.
I've been married to my man, with TOTAL unbroken trust, for more than 15 years. He has been PERFECT. He has NEVER broken my trust, in any way at all. Even though he comes from a history of violence and abandonment, he has NEVER given me any reason to think he would use his power to do anything other than protect me. He has so much empathy that it's like my mind is just a part of his own.

In THAT kind of relationship...
... I can actually let HIM *really* be the dominant.

We have NO limits.
We have NO "safe words".
We have NO boundaries.
We have nothing at all... except trust.

When women talk about "rape fantasies", THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

These women are talking about NOT having to "give 100% consent" -- because there is so much implied trust that they don't HAVE to.

These women are talking about NOT "wanting" something individually -- because, by that point, they don't even individually want things anymore. It's like

[Sunflower19]

Thanks for taking the time to write all of that but I still don't agree.

[redeyemindtricks]

their and their partner's desire are fused into one. Yes, "rape fantasy" is a shitty shitty word. Yes, we need a better word, we really do. But... these fantasies are about something that goes way beyond "domination/submission" in the popular sense. These fantasies are about ACTUALLY BEING ABLE TO GIVE UP CONTROL COMPLETELY. That's not something most women are *ever* comfortable with doing. I'm a headstrong, reckless, self-assured, impetuous, risk-taking, sexual thrill seeker, and even **I** needed YEARS of marriage before I was able to do it, before I was able to let go of "consent" and "setting boundaries" and "safe words" and finally give him TOTAL CONTROL over me. Is it scary? Yr damn right it is. Is it fulfilling? Yr damn right it is. High risk high return. Most women won't *ever* be able to do it -- because they'll never trust a partner enough, or because they'll never trust THEMSELVES enough, or, more likely, both -- and that's why this fantasy is almost always... a fantasy.

[redeyemindtricks]

If yr ultimate point is that these fantasies are not about actual rape, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT about that. The point, though, is that THERE ISN'T ANOTHER WORD WE CAN USE right now, to describe these fantasies. So, they're called "rape fantasies" -- with all the attendant misunderstandings. If you can suggest a better word, I (and about a million zillion feminist writers everywhere) would love you for it... so, yeah. __ By the way, there *are* SOME women who actually genuinely fantasize about actual rape -- the gory, painful, violating kind. (There are men who fantasize about being raped, too.) But, there aren't many of these... and, remember, there are also people who fantasize about being decapitated, chopped to death, cannibalized, ... you name it. People are fucking weird. The COMMON "rape fantasies", though, are not about real rape at all.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Totally agree. This is why lots of the feminine/submissive gay guys are usually the bosses in their relationships. From what I've seen anyway. Dominant partners are only allowed to be dominant, they do all the work lol So straight or gay, I have nvr seen guys as dominant in bed truly. they do what I say mostly. So do you think the dominant partners acknowledge this or do they pretend like they have control? Like irl? Because the same applies to straight couples. like it's usually the woman who handles all the finances and important stuff, but she's usually submissive in bed... so do you think guys acknowledge that she's the boss or not?

[Laura_Marx]

They're not confused - they're fantasizing about being raped, explicitly. In real life they ofc wouldn't like it, but as a fantasy it has a draw for some people. When we talk about acting out rape fantasies its in the form of role-play. A lot of consensual domination is roleplaying something awful - torture, slavery, abuse, etc.

As far as why some people get aroused by the idea of being raped, it's MOSTLY a trauma thing, as is all sexuality. If, as Monique Wittig said, womanhood is identification with trauma, female sexuality is the sexualization of trauma. The deeper question I think is why are our sexualities ALWAYS articulated in the form of domination - a question I don't really have the answer to...

[Anonymous]

Because people are mostly ignorant. Being dominated may look like a rape, but in fact it's consensual. Rape obviously looks like domination, but it's definitely not consensual.
I don't know why some girls have rape fantasies, I never had them, but that's probably because I'm sexually dominant.

[Anonymous]

Because they are stupid and/or looking to justify rape.

[Sunflower19]

It's sad that they want to justify it.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for MH :)

[AustinMan]

In my experience as a long time Dom, a rape fantasy isn't at all about rape but about the loss of control during sex. They use the two synonymously thought I feel your pain at that happening. I'm very sorry you were raped but I feel like if you can let go of this particular association, you might be a lot happier.

[dogbert444]

You make a very good point, which I completely agree with. There IS a huge differnce between consensual sex and non-consensual sex. It couldn't be wider!

[Sunflower19]

Thank you!! I'm glad some people agree with me. It gets me upset to see that people think its the same thing when it's really not.

[dogbert444]

I have actually learned quite a bit about the BDSM scene from some family friends. I should hasten to add that neither my family or I are into such things. It would appear that in dom/sub terms, anything goes that has been previously agreed. A safe word is used if whatever gets "too much".

[dogbert444]

... and rape is rape! There is no way of calling it anything different!

[Sunflower19]

I wish more people thought like you.

[dogbert444]

Maybe it's down to my Pagan philosophy. I have only one rule: " If it harms none, do what you like". I can never condone anything that harms people, animals, nature, structures, or anything else.

[dogbert444]

Thanks for MHG!

[Sunflower19]

No problem!:) thanks for being the nicest one LMAO!

[dogbert444]

Thanks! :-)

[Xfitchick]

I neither like both, but being raped if even worse than being dominated.

[Sunflower19]

Agreed.

[Fibbett]

I like how she didn't get the answer she wanted and people disagreed, so she just buried her head in the sand. Typical SJW.

[Sunflower19]

LMAO I like how you assume shit. 😂😂😂

[Allebana]

it's not necessarily like that, if you have a rape fantasy you won't submit but both parties will know it's a consensual roleplay

[Sunflower19]

That's still very disturbing.

[Allebana]

for you maybe, or for someone who was raped but it's a huge turn on for a lot of people, there are more disturbing things... my guy friends used to send me weird Asian porn links ugh *shudders* I think zoophilia is worse

[Sunflower19]

I am both of those things. People don't understand how bad being raped can mess you up. Even if it's pretend rape, it's not something to laugh about or even act out. But I agree their are some pretty disturbing things out there.

[Allebana]

I'm really sorry to hear that, i wouldn't wish it to anyone but it's a fantasy a lot of people have and if it happens between two consenting adults I don't really see how it's wrong, we can't help what we like and if the beast who did that to you had a girlfriend to play "rape" with at the time maybe it wouldn't have happened..

[Sunflower19]

He was a rapist. He did it to 3 other girls so maybe it was a turn on to him. Which is disgusting.

[Allebana]

If our society weren't so judgmental maybe he would've found a willing woman to do it that way, but he didn't because for a lot of people think it's wrong to have that kind of fantasies i think he deserves the death penalty though.. I think HE is disgusting but i can see this is going nowhere 😥

[Berethor]

Not all domination is rape, but all rape is domination, a man can't rape a woman unless he has a totally control other her, and was able to submit her to his will, rape is one of the darkest kinds of domination but it still a domination, also from the side many of the BDSM staff looks like true abuse and/or rape. But you kinda right that "playing forced sex" is kinda stupid.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_fantasy#Roleplay

[Berethor]

I mean "unless he has a totally control over her".

[MrAssHat]

very valid points and i can agree with you on most of it..

[Fearless_banana]

I don't know a lot of girls I have hooked up with have obsession with rape fantasy. There is obviously a difference though. Although I had one girl tell me that if she tells me to stop then to keep going lol.

[Sunflower19]

What the hell? Lol

[Fearless_banana]

Lol what. It pertained to the question. A lot of chicks have rape fantasies

[Sunflower19]

I know that but why would a girl want that kind of role play in the bedroom? I'd rather choose being dominated than faking a rape. If I ever got with a guy I wouldn't be able to do something like that. Too weird for me. Lol

[Fearless_banana]

Asked this question a while ago. Got some good answers..
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2024373-how-common-is-a-rape-fantasy

[Sunflower19]

I will check it out!:).

[Sunflower19]

Their was maybe a couple of good answers on there that were truthful!

[Fearless_banana]

Lol I feel like I should tag redeye in here.

[Sunflower19]

Why? Lol

[Fearless_banana]

@redeyemindtricks she's good with this shit.

[Sunflower19]

I was raped. So how can someone be possibly good with a rape fetish justification?

[Fearless_banana]

Sorry to hear that.. I think it's a power struggle. A lot of women like to feel 100% submissive to a man and have no control.

[Sunflower19]

But wouldn't that fall under being dominated though?

[redeyemindtricks]

I tried to explain the difference. Hopefully OP sees this (it says she muted the question).

[atomique]

Thank you for this question
previews.123rf.com/.../...dier-military-salute.jpg

[Sunflower19]

I've been wanting to ask this question for a while but I was worried I'll be attacked with insults but now I don't care. Lol

[akadatank44]

Some girls have a rape fantasy it's true. Its a bit different than just being dominated you still are but she playfully says no and you force her somewhere it's not just in the home. Like after a romantic night she playful doesn't let you in and you have a safe word so you tie her up with your belt and fuck her on her doorstep. Had one ex I did that with. Maybe it's the same? I'm not sure the principals are the same they want the sex and they want to feel like the guy has all the power. Maybe we should call it different? I don't know

[Sunflower19]

I think it should be called differently. Being raped is not fun and it's not sexy. It's sad when people try to justify saying "oh it's just fake role playing" " oh it's sexy" well if it happens to them (not wishing or saying it will) but tell me then if it's fun or sexy.

[akadatank44]

Yeah that is true. Lol start thinking of new names xD

[teawrecks]

😳 that sounds hot af

[akadatank44]

@teawrecks is it? OP is that hot?,😜

[teawrecks]

Yep. Suddenly have a desire to be tied up and taken advantage of on a doorstep. Or in general.

[akadatank44]

@teawrecks by anyone in particular? 😏

[teawrecks]

Mm I have one or two people in mind 😝

[akadatank44]

@teawrecks I seeee 😜😏

[Jayded1]

They are very different yes. However saying one kink is bad and another is not because you dont feel one of them is wrong. There is no difference between liking feet, liking domination, liking rape, liking pain, liking submission, its all the same, none of them are right or wrong.

[hero-hero]

it is pretty obvious that they are not the same ! only a stupid would think they are. may be , they choose to ignore that they are different. also rapists always think that the girl may change her mind during it becoz of how sexy they are !! .. she would become turned on and would consent it!!!

[Sunflower19]

Wow. This.

[hero-hero]

this? haha is what?

[Sunflower19]

Your opinion is spot on.

[hero-hero]

oh , thanks...

[Jessicocoa]

Domination is actually a fairly broad term. There are all sorts of different kinds of domination. Rape play/strugglefucking/consensual non-consent are words that would more accurately describe the sort of sex that pertains to these fantasies.

[Sunflower19]

It's called BDSM. Still not the same as actually being Raped.

[Jessicocoa]

BDSM is wayyyy too broad though. If I told my partner I wanted to do BDSM they'd have no idea I was referring to this type of it. I know it's not the same as being raped, it's a very specific kind of roleplay.

[bcromartie]

So if the only difference is consent there's no confusion. They "want" it to happen, but it's the same actions overall, and using the term "rape" allows for a more aggressive element to it.

Nitpicking.

[Sunflower19]

Being raped is also violation of your body and it can cause harm to. Think about it.

[bcromartie]

It turns out that "play rape" is supposed to be a sudden and violent sexual event that feels like a violent and degrading state and can cause some harm though not intentional to the point where damage is permanent. Not much to think about really.

[Sunflower19]

Why justify it? Their are thousands of people guys and girls that get raped. Play rape is a sad excuse to justify something that's traumatized people.

[bcromartie]

There is an entire sexual subculture dedicated to this particular behavior of connecting individuals who specifically wish to go through the motions of violation. It is a thing. It is something humans do. It has nothing to do with "justifying the way that you see things!" because it's as real as your fingers on the keyboard. Whether you like it or not. These people consent to this particular lifestyle where they set up and act out rape fantasies. Are they ignorant and stupid? No. No one really wants to be assaulted, okay, yeah, congrats, but to deny a specific sexual subculture exists because of wordplay and semantics? Really? I don't know man, do you.

[daremetwo]

I have been telling people this for years but most just don't get it.

[Sunflower19]

Apparently.

[Polocrew]

Lmao nah, Chicks call it rape fetish too lol That they wanna feel like they are getting banged when they don't want to but lowkey they do and it is pretty grossssss lol dead sex is way beyond gross. If id wanna roofy a chick, id just use Molly lmao But I don't wanna because dead sex is disgusting. Most dead fishes have this fetish lol and I've had chicks tell me they would wanna get tied against their will anf get banged and many other scenes they prolly got from reading too much shit or watching too much porn lol It's disgusting af and id never ever do that ha

[Sunflower19]

Well I'm relieved that a guy wouldn't want to do that!

[Polocrew]

Yea I don't really have that many weird fantasies exept 2, I think people not having sex screw their minds up and turn in nutjobs like this lmao

[scooogy]

I'd say they live in a fantasy world, like when such a girl breaks up with a guy, everything is alright until he finds another girl. Like she can't accept that not all things in life are just like she wants it. And so, due to the fact that being dominated by someone outside a relationship/affair/one night stand, there's still enough room for imagining that such guys would only dominate them and suppress the urge of actually raping her.

[biguyct]

very good take more guys should learn this

[Sunflower19]

And girls apparently.

[biguyct]

I see that!

[SatyricLord]

I would like a girl to dominate me.

[Anonymous]

LMFAO people that wish to be raped are so fuckin stupid. Their IS a difference. Huge. They just want to justify it so they can seem sexy and look like they have a great sex life when they don't. Get a life losers. And to that one girl that says she wants to be taken advantage of on purpose on a door step. Stfu. Stop being desperate. Nobody wants used and abused.

[Anonymous]

They don't confuse it. They know the difference. But they just use the words interchangeably which is very wrong

[Sunflower19]

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been sexually abused, I wonder this all the time.

I think it's a symptom of how we're afraid to really talk about both sex and sexual abuse.