Why does he do this?

[Anonymous]

So I'm a virgin and my boyfriend is a bit older. We do other stuff when we fool around. And he says he won't put it in but he does try to and it really hurts. Then he tried to calm me down as he trying to put in it. Even though I tell him to stop he doesn't until he realized I'm crying and he stops cause he isn t hard anymore. He says he stops because he cares about me and he doesn't want to hurt me or cause me to run away but I feel like I should leave if this keeps up. He tried to do it in the car earlier and he says it's never taken him thing long to pop someone's cherry if u might. I feel like he likes me and wants us to connect deeper through sex but he does orgasm when we do other stuff I don't care if I do or not. We met by chance while I was on my lunch break at work and we've been dating for almost 2 months. It's not that I don't want too it just hurts really bad and feels weird when he tried to push it in like something that's not suppose to be there is there. and like it's gonna too cause he has quite the thickness but it like really hurts and feels weird.

[SteveSmith1985]

I can't help with physical tips for how to help make the first time you have sex less painful. I will leave that to women to advise you on.

My question is: DO you want to? I obviously don't know you... but until you EXPLICITLY said "It's not that I don't want to" at the end... that I had any confusion about this.

Until that part... all I was thinking while reading this was: "What. The. Fuck. This is rape. This is clearly a virgin girl who's boyfriend is trying to rape her. This whole thing seems super coercive. It's really disturbing:

" He says he won't put it in but he does try to and it really hurts"

"Even though I tell him to stop he doesn't until he realized I'm crying and he stops cause he isn t hard anymore."

" I feel like he likes me and wants us to connect deeper through sex"


HOOOOOLY shit girl. I can give you advice here. Good advice. I hope you'll take it.

You should 100% leave. RIGHT NOW.

Not..."if this keeps up" but RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

This is not ok.

This is a rapist who lost his erection. That is what happened here.

Is this REALLY who you've chosen to remain a virgin for? For THIS asshole?

Stop, step back and take a look at what's going on here.

Is this how you imagined losing your virginity?

Is this how you imagined your boyfriends would treat you?

This is one of those SUPER CLEAR easy to answer questions. There is no gray area here. This is not ok. This is super fucked up. This will not lead anywhere well. No man who loves a woman could act this way, GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. RUN. this is so wrong. This whole thing. So wrong.

I really hope you leave. This is not what a healthy relationship looks or feels like. This is awful. I hope you're hearing me. 🙂

[sassy_receptor]

great comment

[SteveSmith1985]

Thanks. Your comment was great as well. Short, clear, and to the point. I hope this girl gets away from this guy. At least people here are generally all telling her the same (correct) thing about her situation.

[Asker]

ur opinion is really helpful since ur close to his age. i get what ur saying i'll end thing m sister thinks the same way i guess this is the sign i'm asking for. guess i got lost in the sweet words. this will end n a way i don't want it that i'll b the one that suffers i thought since he's older... I don't know that he would be more considerate of my feelings maybe.

[SteveSmith1985]

I am really glad you are going to end things. That is absolutely the right decision, and I can promise you (I don't make promises lightly) that one day not long in the future, you'll be so glad that you made the decision to end this. You will at some point, decide to lose your virginity. I hope that whenever you do, that your experience, (and the guy) are night-and-day different from this attempted rapist asshole. You will be able to see clearly what we're all talking about, and why everyone is telling you that this man is trying to rape you. It's not just getting caught up in sweet words. It's all the feelings of "having feelings" for someone. It's hard to opperate with a totally clear-head in the midst of feeling strongly for someone (that's true for everybody). But this is, (I'm sorry) a "bad guy". This is exactly the kind of guy that women should actively avoid. This is a dangerous guy. He is a sexual predator. There really is no other way to describe his behavior. He has shown a total disregard for your feelings, and is only interested in taking your virginity, for the sake of fucking a virgin.

[SteveSmith1985]

The guy you lose your virginity to should understand that it's something special. He should understand how special it is, and more importantly should understand how special it is TO YOU. Your comfort (emotional as well as physical) should clearly be his main concern. He know what a big deal it would be for you to choose HIM as the guy you've been saving yourself for. He should be a very different guy who treats you in a very different way from this guy. Even if you don't fully want to, and have to take a leap of faith, that all these different people (including your sister) are all able to very clearly see that... there is only one thing to do here. End things. There is nothing else to do here. This is exactly the kind of man who is dangerous for women. Don't let him anywhere near you. This man intends you harm. I am glad you're starting to see that. THIS IS YOUR SIGN. RIGHT HERE. I"M SURE END THIS. 🙂

[SteveSmith1985]

GOOD FOR YOU FOR LEAVING!!! I am so happy to hear that! This guy is abusive as fuck! You really might not appreciate the hell-on-earth you're (hopefully) avoiding by staying at your brothers. This guy is actually even more dangerous than I had previously thought. Treat him as dangerous if he tries in any way to contact you. He IS dangerous. (so no taking him back if he tries... and he might... abusive guys like this are control freaks and usually do) You are awesome! You are making good life choices. I know this must be a shitty time for you. But holy shit. You really just saved your own life by leaving (figuratively, but quite possibly literally too). Either way. Good for you. This is probably the best decision you've ever made in your life. It just may not feel that way... I realize. But you did the right thing. Best of Luck. 🙂

[darealmvp2015]

Harsh truth, that’s called rape, then to make it worse he’s gaslighting you afterwards saying he doesn’t do it because he doesn’t want to hurt you.


This is super simple. Anybody with a brain cell is capable of understanding this. No means no. Period. If you say you don’t want to have sex then he tries to have sex with you after, while knowing that you are not wanting to have sex, that’s called rape. Leave that piece of shit before he accomplishes what he is trying to do.

[Asker]

And he said if we're okay after and he sounds sad that I feel pressured to say we're okay when I'm hurt.

[darealmvp2015]

That’s classic manipulation. He pretends to feel bad because he’s worried that he’s not going to get what he wants. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I promise, but objectively looking at the situation from an outside perspective what I see is that he’s not going to be respectful of your boundaries in a sexual manner. That tells me that he likely won’t be respectful of boundaries you may set in a non sexual manner either. If you were asking me what to do, I would without hesitation tell you to get as far away from him as humanly possible before he has another opportunity to do so. Otherwise you risk him choosing to make you cross lines that you have said you don’t want to cross and ones that you are not able to uncross.

[darealmvp2015]

Also just saw your update. It’s best to not put yourself into the situation again. Clothes off and in bed is typically not a good time to see if you like his answer. Also manipulators are by nature very good at convincing others that they mean no harm. Who’s to say he doesn’t just lie to get you to calm down then proceed to do what you said not to? They also are not usually huge on not getting their own way, and again, clothing off and in bed may not be the best time to make him angry. That situation could go from what it was before (rape) to something worse (violent rape). Just my thoughts.

[Asker]

but thing is i wasn't naked. i had my top and bottom on we were just kissing, then he started taking off his built and i freaked off and tried to push him. he kept trying to calm me down he stopped trying to put it in when i was screaming saying he didn't want people to think i was raping me which now that i'm clear headed was exactly what he was trying to do. i blamed myself since was wearing a skirt maybe he thought i wanted i can't wear jeans since my sweat makes me itchy. i'm ending things tomorrow and we're not meeting somewhere alone so he can't try anything to hurt me. i'm stepping back i can always meet someone else.

[sassy_receptor]

wait so he said he won’t put it in but tries to anyways? that’s rape…

[Asker]

Yh I think it's best I end this.

[sassy_receptor]

just saw your update. why would you even ask him? HE’S RAPING YOU. what’s not processing in your mind?

[Berethor]

You sure that you still count as virgin? you playing with fire while doing other stuff with him.

[Farmerboy2]

What the hell. You don’t care if you do. Time to change that.

[Asker]

It's not that I don't it's just that he gets off faster and a lot easier than I do. So he's done before I even get the chance too.

[Farmerboy2]

Yeah typical guy doesn’t care about the girls needs.