Sexual Relationships
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Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

I never made a deliberate decision to wait until marriage to have sex. It was something that I was expected to do. I owed it to my parents (who would be disappointed if I broke the law of chastity), my church leaders (if I committed fornication I would have to confess, which was embarrassing even to think about), and my hypothetical future husband, who would also be saving himself for marriage.

That being said, I still made a choice. No one forced me to wait. I don’t blame my parents, my religion, or my husband for the situation that I’m in now. But I do wish that I had considered not waiting. Here’s why.

Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

Abstaining from sex can lead to guilt and sexual anxiety

When my husband and I decided to get married, we never imagined that sex would be difficult for us. We were attracted to each other. We were young. We were healthy. Besides, we loved each other. A lot.

But our honeymoon was less than idyllic. Nothing could have prepared me for his reaction to the “green light” we’d been waiting for. He was paralyzed with what I can only describe as stage fright. Terrified of hurting me (after a painful first encounter) and haunted by imaginary inadequacies, he suffered from erectile dysfunction through most of our honeymoon, and for months afterward.

I spent the first year of our marriage trying to coax him into sex. He was comfortable with other modes of genital stimulation, but not intercourse. Intercourse, which was supposed to come naturally to us, almost always ended in miserable failure.

I was frustrated. I had waited so long for sex, and now I was living a life of celibacy—again. I consoled myself with the words of Olaf the snowman: “Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours.” I loved my husband and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I kept my dissatisfaction to myself. I even began to feel guilty whenever I desired sex, because I thought I was being selfish.

Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

Sexual compatibility isn’t something you can force.

When my husband’s anxiety finally started to ebb, we had a few months of unhindered intercourse—at last. But I soon discovered that, while I wanted to have sex as often as humanly possible, he did not.

It was then that I learned the extent of his depression. I was aware that he suffered from occasional bouts of depression while we were dating, but I had no idea of the effect that it would have on our sex life. As the months went by his interest in intimacy dwindled away to nothing.

This was something that I could not have foreseen. I encouraged him to try medication. After that, his depression was tolerable. But his sex drive never came back.

I thought it was my fault. I worked feverishly at the gym, trying to “fix” my appearance. I spent tons of money on makeup, eyelash extensions, and lingerie. But nothing helped. He told me I was beautiful and that he loved me. But he always had a reason not to have sex with me. Eventually I realized that it wasn’t because there was something wrong with me. It was because our ideas about sex were worlds apart.

Sex is a VERY important aspect of a healthy marriage.

While mental and emotional compatibility are vital to a loving relationship, sex cannot and should not be left out of the equation. Sexual incompatability can lead to frustration and even abstention from sex altogether. And a celibate marriage leads to resentment, and more often than not, divorce.

I love my husband. But when I married him, I didn’t know him. In deciding not to have sex before I made a lifelong commitment to him, I might as well have married a stranger.

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  • Funny because I would be of the opposite opinion being a guy who was basically a manwhore during his teens and twenties. If I could go back in time and change anything I would go back and be my wife at an earlier point in my life so I would be her first and she would be mine. From a guy who got married after three months of meeting his wife.

  • I think the real problem is that you didn't masturbate before marriage. I explained what I'm talking about here: sin-and-love.deviantart.com/.../Christianity-Sex-Marriage-and-Masturbation-557505303

    And as for the compatibility argument, I have yet to hear of a single "compatibility" issue that couldn't be solved through simple compromisation.

  • OP are you Mormon?
    These are good points you bring up. Is a very personal decision, so it's up to you really.

    • Hello just butring in x3 I live near a lot of Mormons

    • @ShepherdOfFire99 me too. I'm Mormon, but.. I don't live like one exactly lol. Lots of standards. Her terminology sounds like it tho so I was curious.

    • I was raised Mormon. I'm currently questioning, looking around Catholic lately, I'm not sure what I believe, I just want to become sure, you know. I don't exactly live religiously either. It's good to meet a fellow... Mormon, ish. Lol

    • Show All

  • Sex is an important and healthy part of a relationship. To wait is old testament. Makes no sense realistically.

  • Sexual compatibility isn’t something you can force.- THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING!!!

  • Did you wait for god?

    • For what? What is His role in this?

  • I personally blame your religion and parents. Your choices and who you are were forged by your childhood upbringing. Your unconscious decision making is due to this so is your poor husbands. by the way depression does cause lack of libido and if he is on medication for it, it can literally stop a your libido. It blocks that pathway in the neurons. sorry to see this, it makes me very angry. I have been on the same path ands it's taken me years to get out of it. I had to break up with my girl because of our sexual incompatibility.

  • Here, I feel the opposite. I wish I had never taken it upon myself to ever have sex before marriage; I no longer can see myself with just "one" partner because even with just two there were things that one did that the other didn't and vice versa. :/ I don't want to try out people in sexual interviews to find "the total package" just so I can declare how much I want to commit to them.

    Seems to be the wrong way to go.

    • "Seems to be the wrong way to go." Why?

  • I think the main problem over her is this that you forgot that you're is an arranged... And sex will come later not that early...
    You have to get to know your partner before you have sex... He was nervous which I can understand but I don't see anyone taking charge or taking to each other or understanding why it is happening...

    But let me tell you I myself in my friend circle many who have arranged marriage and they are HAPPY... So the is something wrong in your marriage...

    I see it as a problem of communication...

    You should really go to a couple counseling... It will help you a lot..
    Don't give up!!! With on it if not working!

  • lmao @ no sex until marriage.

  • You talk about this like it is fact. When it is opinion. If I could never have intercourse again, but could have other forms of intimacy like oral and toys it wouldn't even make me blink. Why is that one act so important to you? When you are horny what is wrong with him using his mouth, fingers or a toy on you?

    • All I did was share my own personal experience.

    • I am not faulting your personal experience. In fact I feel for you, to be in that situation must suck. However it is worded as fact. "Sex is a VERY important aspect of a healthy marriage." And sex to you as you wrote means intercourse. I am just saying that is only one part of sex to many people and not the most important.

  • I don't think is important at all but that's most likely because I rarely feel lust my fiance seems to be lustful and he'll probably be able to get in me in the mood once we're married and able to have sex but as of right now I just don't feel lust or have any sexual needs. So I have to disagree with you on that one sex isn't very important in a marriage it's one small aspect of something big. I've never masturbated or anything I just don't feel anything. O. O

  • Honestly i don't mean to be rude but it seems the problem was less abstaining and more

    A
    Ur husband's sexual insecurities

    And B
    The difference in ur sexual compatibilities/libido

    Honestly I'm abstinent but I'm not afraid to talk about sex, my desires and how often i want it

    Id figure u should talk about it a lot if u r waiting, throw n some verbal role play or whatever

    • We did talk about it. The problem was that he thought he'd like certain things, but when he tried them, he actually didn't. We had no way of knowing we would have libido incompatibility, since we were both pretty horny before we got married. And I think that his insecurities were caused, in part, by abstaining.

    • Well i kno for some people things ain't cool the first time but for most people at the end of the day it ain't like that Sex is more instinctual than learned, but stuff like insecurities n lack of communication can mess with stuff

  • You're bullshitting us about sexual compatibility, sex after marriage although you admit your husband suffers from depression and you married him without even knowing him. Sexual compatibility is pure bullshit and doesn't even exist. You just married the wrong and now can't get rid of him. You would be unsuitable even for a simple long term relationship, let alone marriage.

    • I meant that I didn't know him sexually. I knew him quite well otherwise. We were friends since we were 10.

  • Thats crazy 0. o but ya not a lot of people invest time into getting know eachother
    I agree with @MrOracle

  • I don't think abstaining from sex was or is the problem. I think it's the result of a bigger underlying problem instead. It's more than likely something your husbands is going through.

    abcnews.go.com/.../story?id=26113769

    • I agree. Society is obsessed with sex. It's not the issue here.

  • This is oversimplified and objectifying but you get the point — would you buy a car you're going to use for the next 5+ years without trying it out once? No.

    • girls aren't cars ,

    • @Universehateme I wasn't pointing to just girls here, but to anyone — and I know, but I'm giving an example.

    • Well, you buy a house before ever living in it, right?

    • Show All

  • Finally a girls says it. I have been preaching that and a lot of people would have stoned me already if they knew where I live.

  • I'm waiting until sex to have marriage, myself.

    • Could I offer a little advice? Talk about sex with your fiance. That's one thing I really wish I had done. Ask them what they want out of your future sexual relationship, how often they want to have sex, whether they have any anxiety about it. Really get to know them as much as you can sexually without having sex. It might help.

  • didn't read, but it has to do something with temptation of cheating.

    • Not at all.

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