Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Nope. Not one bit of it is about religion. I'm actually agnostic. Depending on the day, my mood, and the phase of the moon, I lean closer to the atheist or theist line. My decision is entirely about me and my values. I am in no way saying any of you should wait until marriage if you don't want to or looking down upon people who don't. I would marry a man who'd had sex before so long as he respects and supports my decision.
Now, let's define what ‘sex’ means to me. Virginity and what constitutes as a loss of it is such a gray subject. Some say intercourse. Some say oral. Some say any form of sexual contact. That's my definition. I count so much as a handjob a loss of virginity because the intention is still sexual. You are no longer ‘untouched’ by another living being. Also, what do you think same sex couples do? A penis doesn’t enter a vagina, but I’m sure the fingering or handjobs they give each other are considered sex to them. Some couples do oral. I know plenty who don’t (it is a preference, after all). Touching is sex.
So that being said, here’s why I won’t go under the clothes until he puts a ring on it.
I need to feel an emotional connection with someone before I’m sexually attracted to him.
I'm not blind. I can recognize when a stranger is attractive, and my gaze will sometimes follow. But I'll forget about him the moment I look away because I don't know him. I'm not invested. With this comes a tendency to only have feelings, even if I'm not dating, for one guy. I'm fine with that. The guy I have feelings for now has been my friend and confident for over three years, and when I met him I'd have rated him as a 5-6 (5 being average). Second puberty may have boosted that number generously, but that's not the point. Romantic feelings may still have existed from the beginning, but sexual desires emerged only months ago unrelated to anything outwardly attractive about him, and they're not by any means overpowering. I just have a deep emotional tie to him, and sometimes my desire to deepen (excuse the pun) that connection shows itself in a sexual manner. Sex for me is more emotional than physical. Some would call this demisexual, but I don't think this is a sexuality thing. It's just how I view sex. So if so much as a sexual urge is emotional for me, I can't imagine what the actual act would be like. With that in mind...
I don’t want to regret my first time.
Many of you may not regret your first time, whether it was with a long-time significant other or a one-night stand. That’s great. Sex seems to me to be a deeply emotional experience, one in which I will really connect with my partner. I don’t want to experience that with more than one person. Endorphins are released in our brains when we have sex, so science can say that every person we sleep with, we leave a little bit of ourselves (some more than others, granted). So many people say they regret their first time, the person wasn’t right, and I don’t want to risk joining them. I’m not naive enough to say that marriage guarantees that I will be with said person for the rest of my life. A piece of paper doesn’t immortalize our relationship, but that will be the intention when we exchange our vows. So what if I’m not married yet, but I know (believe) I will be with this man for the rest of my life?
He can afford to wait; I think I’m worth it.
Call me egotistical, but I think I’m worth the waiting period. If sex is mandatory for him, he's not with me for the right reasons. Even if I can look at him and know in my heart and soul that he is who I will spend forever with, I want him to wait until we exchange ‘I do’s because that shows a strong commitment to me. It’s not a test. Once he proposes, I’m not holding out for the next year or so until we marry to test his will power. But he should pursue a relationship with me knowing that this is my intention and be willing to understand and help me in keeping this promise. I should be worth that much to him.
It shows a deep respect for my values even if they aren’t his.
If we do get close to crossing the line, I shouldn’t be the only one to put the brakes on. I will know he truly values me and respects my wishes when he sometimes is the one to say “We need to stop before we go too far.” Whether waiting was his thought when we met, knowing it is mine should make it his value, too. Even when I'm married, before we consummate our marriage, I want him to ask. Because sex is a big deal to me. And I'll ask him, too. Mutual consent. Mutual respect. I’m a very flexible and understanding person in all regards other than this one (even politics and religion), so I don’t find this too much to ask. After all…
Sex isn’t everything.
If your relationship needs good sex to be healthy, it isn’t healthy. If we get married, we’ll have plenty of time to have sex. Until then, we can focus on each other and getting to know one another. It’s amazing how much people can learn about each other when making out doesn’t lead to an hour of grunting but rather an hour of talking some more. The decision to get married will be entirely on emotional compatibility, so when sex is introduced and thus complicating the relationship, we’ll have a strong and pure foundation to lean on. With the knowledge that physical intimacy won't be lost if we break up, doing so if emotional intimacy isn't working out won't be as difficult. To get married will be a greater commitment unhazed by sexual attraction. We have to be best friends before we become sexual partners, and relationships with that foundation are shown to last longer. When we grow old and sex decreases, we will have that foundation to fall back on. Also, the mystery of what sex will be like (and nervousness) will have to be trumped before tying the knot.
The off chance of sexual incompatibility doesn’t scare me.
I get that sexual compatibility is important. But odds are, if you really love a person, that compatibility can be found if it isn’t immediate. And if it doesn’t--that tiny chance--I could personally live with that. Sex and love are separate things to me. They can go together, but they don’t have to. Some people have sex with prostitutes just fine, so why can’t some people be in love without sex? I made it this far without sex; I can keep doing it. I don’t expect to get married and wind up sexless, but if it happens, it happens. I trust my future husband to love me regardless of how sex works out.
Making out and cuddling is pretty great on its own.
The intimacy from this is different than I presume sex to be. It’s pure but still heated, and the anxiety (good or bad) that exists when sex is a possible outcome is diminished while dating. We can enjoy each other’s company and closeness without wondering where it'll go. We have our whole lives to have sex. Let's enjoy simplicity and chaste intimacy for as long as possible.
It builds up the anticipation for a special moment.
This seems contradictory to my statements above, but humor me on the 99% chance this does turn out well. If it doesn't, like I said, we can work through it. But let's say it does. I know first time sex is clumsy and awkward, but I'm going into this for the emotional aspect more than the physical one. We will be sharing a moment we had been waiting for for a long time. Even if we’re clumsy, we'll be in it together. We waited, making it all the more special.
No chance of pregnancy. No chance of STDs.
This is a no brainer. No birth control is more effective than abstinence (no, I’m not advocating for abstinence-only sex ed). Over half of people will contract an STD within their lifetime. I tend to believe that STDs wouldn't exist if humans were meant to have sex with more than one person, but I think Neanderthals were polygamous, so form your own opinion. And cats get AIDS, too, so I guess there's that.
I might not be a virgin anyway, but if I am, I’m sure as hell holding it.
People want what they can’t have. Now, I don’t know. I was young. The memories are hazy. My mother always had and maintains a perverse interest in me. I’ll probably never know how far she went before I was old enough to remember, but I know what memories I do have are borderline. I know what you’re thinking, but no, a history of sexual assault is not the underlying reason for this. I’m not so scarred that this is turning me off of sex. I live on my own and have healthy relationships with other people just like the rest of you. I’m not crying for attention in this confession; quite the contrary. I’m as healed as a lot of people can ever be. Sex makes me wary; as a child, it was always that forbidden thing that felt dirty (as it is for most children, but more so). This early-set disgust with sex used to be a bigger reason than it is now, but I made this decision for all of the reasons I listed above. This is a factor, but it’s nothing more.
Virginity is something to me that is mine to give away.
There’s been a lot of talk lately about how virginity is a social construct meant to objectify women. I don't agree with that. For starters, men can be virgins, too. Ask any guy in his mid-twenties who is frustrated to still be one. Emotional changes occur when you have your first intimate experience, whether it's maturity, liberation, relief, growth. Something happens, so it is more than a construct. It is a piece of me and my emotional innocence that is mine to give away or lose. Not everyone views sex this way, and that’s fine, but I do. Coming from someone who wonders frequently if she is a virgin, it is something. Whether emotionally (I think rape victims are still emotionally virgins in a sense) or physically. And it is something I am giving to my husband to mark a lifetime commitment.
This was always just the way it should be for me.
I don’t remember a time where I didn’t think I would wait until marriage. I knew what sex was before a lot of kids, so I don’t remember the exact moment. But as far back as I can remember knowing what sex is, I had this vow. I don’t remember why. It was just always that way, and now that I’m older, I’ve formed reasons that back me in my cause. Adults gave me the sex talk with the understanding that I’d lose my virginity as a teenager, but I never gave it any consideration.
Because I want to, that’s why.
I don’t need to give a reason to wait until marriage. I don’t need justification. I don’t need approval. Me saying that I am is all I need to have, and nobody should question it. I gave you my personal reasons, but for everyone making this decision, it’s different. And what their reasons are are none of your business. This is my body and my life. I have every right to it and no obligation to anyone. Take it or leave it.
If you have sex, you're a slut. If you don't have sex, you're a prude. This is why I am okay with being a prude. Society can never make up it's mind about sex, which is why I'm doing what is right for me, just as everyone else should do what is right for himself or herself. Waiting until marriage is seen as foolish (“It’s like buying a car before going for a test drive”), prudish, and anti-feminist for holding a woman’s worth to her sexual purity. I, for starters, applaud any man that does the same, and I find it ultra-feminist to wait if that’s what is best for you. Because it is taking control of your body and not letting what a man (or woman) thinks interfere. That should go for if you choose to have sex, too, but the decision to remain abstinent shouldn’t be frowned upon any more than sleeping around should be. Slut-shaming has become unacceptable, so why is virgin-shaming still okay?
It’s often seen as a goal only held by religious people, but if you’re agnostic like me, then it’s more to do with your personal religion. Here is a vow I am making to myself for myself, and just like religious people make promises to God of purity, I’m making a promise to myself.
Remaining a virgin is still much easier for me than it is for my male counterparts. I can’t say I’ve met a man with the same vow (that isn’t extremely religious). If I have, he’s keeping silent about it. Because society can seem to understand sometimes why a woman would want to wait, but a man? A man’s worth is held opposite of a woman’s and measured by how many sexual conquests he has had. Not always. Both genders can be seen as whores. Both can be seen as prudes. But this is the general understanding. Either way, you do you. Seriously. Every person that saves sex for marriage (at any definition fo the word) has their own reasons. No reason is more valid than the other, and no reason at all is equally valid. It’s an outdated viewpoint, and that saddens me. If sex is what you want, go for it, but recognize why some people wait. Why for some people, sex is sacred. There as many reasons to wait as there are not.
What Girls & Guys Said
8 25you can get so much done when you're not chasing the opposite sex
I need to like publish this real quick...
@QooLipBite what?
This guy's opinionnnnn
Ohhh ok
@DiamondRuby You know what motivates your gender not to have sex, I know what motivates mine (the ability to be productive) lol
i agree with all of the points if you throw religion aside as for waiting for marriage. getting
I'm not doing it for religion. I said that in the beginning.
Here's why I won't ever date girls like you:
1: I don't believe in marriage. And certainly don't believe you need to be wed to have a meaningful long lasting relationship.
2: Sexual compatability is important to me. I'd be heartbroken if I wasn't compatible sexually with my life long partner if I decided to commit before seeing how she fares in bed
3: I'm pushing for a more open relationship.
1. Marriage is a piece of paper, yeah, but it's also kind of symbolic of a promise to me. 2. Relationships mean more to me than sex, but that's a personal preference. 3. Well, I'm not about that lifestyle.
3 reason why she shouldn't date men like you 1- your going to end up her with STD 2- yiu going to divorce her once she get accident 3- your not going to marry at all , your not her type of men
Before I read it, how did you know what O was thinking? O. o
Psychic
Nice take, i enjoyed reading it
Thanks
I respect your decision and if that's what you want to do then by all means go for it. But sex and sexual contact is a wonderful thing. You have a much different, closer emotional and physical connection with that person. It shows them you trust them, you've let down your barriers etc. You shouldn't be scared of sexual incompatibility but it should definitely be a concern. Unless both of you are happy with the chance that neither of you could be satisfied. There's so much more to a relationship than just sex, I completely agree with you. Virginity is a special thing and it's nice to lose it to someone who you love and trust but you don't need to wait till marriage for that. Personally I think sex brings you closer than marriage does; lets the other person see a whole new side to you. My personality is extremely different to what I enjoy in the bedroom.. Marriage is just a name, just a label..
I'm not sure why people are trying to talk you out of this. Clearly this makes sense for you since you're demisexual, and only interested in a partner who is happy without sex.
The problem is the traditional language and thinking around no-sex-till-marriage was not aimed at making sex unimportant, rather it was because sex and having children was very important. Young people weren't told to wait because they were expected to be content without sex.
Anyone who thinks sex is an important part of the life they desire would be incompatible with you. You shouldn't change your rules because they effectively screen those people out.
And all the people who yearn for a great sex life even if they would wait for it, should move on and find someone equally sexual.
I don't know if I'd call myself demisexual, but thanks. I agree that sex holds different meaning and importance for everyone, so people like me need to find partners like me. Which is probably why I'm single, but I'm willing to wait. I've never wavered in this decision. Thank you for your encouragement :)
I would encourage you. I would -also- encourage those who are not like you to make sure they seek what they genuinely need for happiness as well. Through no fault of yours, people who are -not- like you in terms of their feelings around sex have been encouraged to 'wait' till marriage with the promise of instant and lifelong sexual fireworks afterwards. That's a recipe for potential disaster. It may not seem like a potential disaster to you, but for someone who's feelings of connection and being wanted and needed by their partner are deeply linked to shared sexual desire, it is. That's not your fault in any way! I'd just say that if some guy who you get along well with feels like waiting is really hard... I suspect you're not well matched at all. No slight on either of you, and doesn't mean either of you weren't really in love or good people.
I feel the same way. People more sexual than myself should do what is right for them. It just seems that sleeping around is more accepted than abstinence, and that isn't right either. Being pressured to wait until marriage would be disastrous. I support people doing it for religious reasons as long as they genuinely want it. Parents that force their kids will lead to disappointment. But people like me will be happy. Finding someone who shares this viewpoint has been and will be hard. It's a limited pool, but what remains in there will be good. I'm not giving up. Like I've told other people, being with no one is better than being with the wrong person.
Agree with your last sentance. I suspect you'll find the same mix of great people and terrible ones in your relationship-potential-pool that the rest do. Your challenges are that it's a smaller pool, and a hard one to identify. I'd strongly suspect that an additional challenge is that -most- dating is driven off people taking risks (of embarrassment and disappointment) that are partially fuelled by their sex drive. I've known a few guys who don't prioritize sex, and many of them don't date much. Not because they can't find anyone compatible, but because they don't put themselves out there getting shot down over and over and over again like guys with average to high sexual interest do. People get really conflicting messages. boys are simultaneously told they are losers and not real men if they aren't getting laid, and that good guys will never push for or expect sex, and will always wait if they really love a girl.
All true. I've been pleasantly surprised by some people who don't mind though and can even support it. They're there. It's just a silent minority as you said. I think the sex life of a couple is really the couple's business. Everyone wants to chime in their opinion, but as far as I see it, unless your genitals are one half of the equation, your opinion is invalid. Guys and girls alike get mixed signals, and sex has nothing to do with character. Unless you're a dick about it and think you're entitled (as some of these commentors are). Society just needs to desexualize as a whole.
" If a guy waits the dating period to have sex with me, I'm guessing he's not too concerned about sex, at least not letting it dominate." See, this is where massive misunderstanding and anger comes in. Realistically we've lived in a culture that pressures people (especially boys) to wait no matter how high their sex drive is, until marriage, at which point they'll get all the sex they've been dreaming of. And they're assured that they will have a wonderful glorious sex life that's so much better than the sex they'd have had if they'd slept with a bunch of women before marriage. You're assuming a guy who will wait is okay with a low sex marriage, yet most guys who are "waiting" are expecting a high sex partner who is holding back for ethical reasons. I'd actually disagree with your statement that 'society needs to desexualize'. In fact if anything the opposite will 'solve' your problems. As long as people are suppressing what they want, there will be confusion.
No, demisexuals are interested in sexuality. She's antisexual at best.
That's not what I meant. I can't predict how much sex will be in my marriage. I think I have a pretty high sex drive actually (reasons unimportant), but since I don't place priority on it, compromise with my husband will be possible. Society does have an obsession with sex. It's this obsession that makes other people think others' sex life is their business, pressures people into having or not having sex, and makes people insecure. What people want to do should be up to them. Why anyone would care or judge want others do baffles me.
Great take.
Thanks!
It sounds more like you just have an unhealthy view of sex, and are trying to put it off for as long as possible. If you just want to wait until after marriage then that is fine, but you actually admit to still having a disgust with sex at some level. That isn't normal, and this is why any guy wanting a healthy sex life after marriage wouldn't be a good match for you. I suspect you are asexual, or very close to asexual.
You don't even care if you are sexually incompatible, which means you don't care if your husbands needs are left unfulfilled. You just assume that worse case the two of you can learn to live without being sexually fulfilled. You are a prime example of why guys shouldn't wait until after marriage, because those guys will care very much if you are sexually incompatible.
Sex and love are not as separate as you think. Sex can be a powerful emotional experience that can bind a couple together. Without that emotional connection that sex brings, most relationships will be unhappy.
I respect your right to stay a virgin for as long as you want, but your reasons for doing so are huge red flags.
I did have disgust with sex. Not anymore, but I still don't deem it necessary in dating. And I am definitely not asexual. I feel every sexual impulse other people do, I just don't act on it. My reasons are red flags to you, but they won't be to the guy that is right for me to marry. Someone will have to be pretty similar to me in my views for this to work, so it won't be an issue.
"This early-set disgust with sex used to be a bigger reason than it is now" This wording indicates that on some level you still have a disgust with sex. I think you need an asexual man or at least one with a very low sex drive in order to be compatible.
I also said that it's a small factor. Every other reason I have is sound. God no. I have a sex drive. I'm not asexual or even close to it. I need an understanding man that places value on relationship before sex.
This is amazing! Everything I feel/think, but worded perfectly! Thanks :)
You're welcome and thank you :)
Your vagina isn't made of gold... and there are 3.5 billion of them on earth.
Your personality and intelligence aren't special. Plenty of women with great personalities and a brain.
Plenty of women who are just as desirable, or more desirable, than you... except they're putting out...
So good luck with that dating strategy.
Thanks. I think I'll do just fine.
No, but her soul worth more than silver. As can be everyone's. Why tarnish it?
Huh?
@ObscuredBeyond Souls don't exist, and refusing to have sex with your partner wouldn't make it more valuable even if it did.
@Mesonfielde : That's willful ignorance. Sex is for spouses, not for mere "partners." And refusal is not the same as declination. It is possible for both parties to mutually understand and agree that they won't do so. Your wording implies belief that one party is depriving another of something. This is an attitude issue.
@ObscuredBeyond ""Your wording implies belief that one party is depriving another of something. "" That's because they are.
@ObscuredBeyond The existence of souls is debatable at best. Even if so, a person's sexual activity wouldn't necessarily reflect on the soul... it's also debatable. Perhaps fewer metaphysical assumptions for practical matters is in order. Anyway, I simply am stating the practical realities of her situation and choices. I would add: marriage rates are also plummeting, making it even more impractical to wait to have sex.
No You deserve a girl who is Virginia made of cum by 30 guys before u , then end u up with STD
@Universehateme lol, what? I get that you're trying to insult me in some way, but obviously English isn't your first language.