Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I’m biased. I don’t think that cheaters deserve a second chance. I have had a spouse cheat on me. I have never cheated on a spouse and I have never cheated on a girlfriend to whom I had promised exclusivity. I think it is inexcusable.
Sometimes, people don’t want to break up even after they learn that their boyfriend left his sperm in another girl‘s vagina. I know that sounds crude but isn’t that the gist of cheating? Of course there is more to cheating than just the sexual act but, for many people, it is the sexual act that crosses the line between something being forgiven and being unforgivable.
These people are so afraid of being alone that they would rather give the cheater another chance. How do they justify this behavior and maintain any sense of self-respect? They say, “He DESERVES a second chance!” Please tell me why a cheater “deserves” a second chance? Have they done something so exemplary that it offsets the character flaw revealed by their cheating? Or is this simply words that you utter to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing?
No, cheaters don’t deserve a second chance. Love is not a game like baseball. You don’t get three strikes before you’re out. So, they don’t DESERVE a second chance but is there any reason why you should give a cheater a second chance?
* * *
You’ve been dating for 1½ years and everything was wonderful. You thought that he would probably be proposing soon and you had started contemplating a wedding, buying a house, and eventually getting pregnant. However, a few weeks ago, he went on a three day business trip and he hasn’t been in a very good mood since he got back.
Then, he came home this afternoon and uttered those dreaded words: “We need to talk.”
Over the next hour, he told you that he had become close to a female co-worker and she had also gone on the business trip to Atlanta. While there, they went to dinner, had a few drinks, and ended up having sex.
He says he “doesn’t know how it happened.” I’ll tell you how it happened. As soon as he got away from you and he looked at his co-worker, he was tempted. They spent a few hours together and then they went to dinner. She was being friendly and he ordered a few drinks to get both of them “in the mood.” They started kissing in the elevator and she invited him in for a nightcap. He knew what that meant and he said "yes!" As soon as the hotel room door was closed, they started tearing off each other’s clothes. The idea of sticking his pen in a different ink well had him excited and there was no stopping him. He actually did think about you briefly but he quickly concluded, “I’ll just take care of that problem later.” Then he pounded her so hard that the occupants on the next room complained to the front desk. Understand now? That’s how it happened.
He say, “It only happened one time, and it will never happen again.” He was crying like a baby and begged you to forgive him and allow him a second chance. Should you? Why should you?
In this hypothetical, the couple is not married and it is the male that cheats. Of course, some women are unfaithful, too. In the context of marriage, the most widely regarded research has been conducted annually since 1972 by University of Chicago researchers. Every year, they have asked a representative national sample about infidelity and the results have been consistent. Every year, 10 percent of spouses admit cheating: 12% of men and 7% of women. Logic and common sense tells you that the rate of cheating among dating couples who are not married must be even higher.
If you have not had this happen to you, you are either lucky . . . or it happened but your partner never confessed. What if it does happen? How do you respond? Many of you know how you would respond and the answer is quite simple: you don’t give a cheater a second chance. However, if you are one of those who don’t know how you would respond, let’s look at the reasons why you should give him another chance:
1. You have a history together. You know his quirks, he knows your quirks, and you enjoy being with each other. Starting over with someone else is work, no doubt. You’ve got months or years invested in this relationship. You don’t want to feel that you’ve wasted your time. Why throw out two years of your life because of something that happened for "just" one night?
Ask yourself these questions. Will the relationship that possibly lies ahead for you give you the return on your investment that you were expecting? Do you want to invest even more time and effort and get even bigger disappointments in the future? What if the Titanic had successfully turned as soon as the iceberg had been spotted?
2. You have already planned a life together. True, but . . . the news that he told you is something that changes everything forever. You will never have the life that you had planned because everything will be affected by what he did.
3. You are already living together. Breaking up and moving will drain you of all your psychic energy. The disclosure of his infidelity is a horribly stressful event and breaking up will make it even more stressful. But are you simply delaying the inevitable because you don’t want to be overwhelmed now? What will happen with your psychic energy a week from now when you get in bed, he rolls over to you, and starts fondling you like he wants to have sex. Instead of getting aroused, you get a mental image of him giving his co-worker a damn hard poking. That image won’t go away, will it? Instead of getting aroused, you start getting tearful. Is this going anyplace good?
4. He volunteered the information so it seems that he wants to regain your trust. No, he volunteered the information because he was feeling overwhelmed with guilt. The fact that he cheated doesn’t mean he has absolutely no conscience and, yes, after his supply of semen was exhausted in the workplace cutie, he finally felt guilty. He told you because he hoped that doing so would make him feel better. He was focusing on his feelings, not yours.
5. He was crying and so obviously upset that this incident was totally out of character for him. What does it mean to say that somebody did something that was out of character for them? Character is what we believe about someone's values and motivations, inferred from all of the things that we see expressed in their behavior. If a person does something that is inconsistent with what we inferred about them, it either means that
a. we were wrong in our assumptions about their character, or
b. they actually did something that is absolutely inconsistent with their values and beliefs.
Which of those is more likely to be true? Of course, it is much more likely that we were wrong in our judgments about their character. But you don’t want to admit that you have made such a horrible mistake about someone with whom you have been so intimate. For some people, it is sometimes easier to give someone a “free pass” that to accept the realization that they have been fooled so horribly.
(BTW, women aren’t the only gender that sometimes uses tears in a manipulative fashion.)
Now let’s look at the reasons why he doesn’t deserve another chance:
1. He did the one thing that he promised he would never do. This promise was more important and more sacred than any other promise and he violated it. If he doesn’t suffer any consequences for this, why would you think that he won’t do it again? How will he feel about observing all of those other promises? Don’t you want a partner who you KNOW is trustworthy?
2. Whenever you contemplated your future with him, you always thought of yourselves as a committed and faithful couple. Now you feel like a fool. That feeling may go away eventually, and maybe it won’t. But . . . what if he does it again? There is an expression that, “If the dog bites me once, it’s the dog’s fault; if I let the dog bite me a second time, it’s my fault.” Will you ever forgive yourself if you give him a second chance and he does it again? What if it happens after you are married and have children? Not only have you failed in your obligation to yourself, but you have failed your children. How awful will you feel then?
3. You feel like he does not deserve to be trusted. Trust is earned and distrust is earned. You are right; he does not deserve to be trusted.
Q. How can you have a relationship without trust?
A. You can’t.
Someone might ask, “Can’t he regain my trust eventually?” There are two types of trust: 100% absolute trust and everything else. Your spouse or mate is supposed to be the person who you can trust when you can’t trust anyone else. Nothing less than 100% absolute trust will suffice. Right now, your trust level may be at 5%. Maybe – five or ten years from now – you will trust him 90%. Is that good enough? Do you deserve better than that?
4. When he confessed, he seemed to be focusing on his feelings of guilt rather than showing genuine concern for the hurt that he inflicted on you. When you are in a committed relationship, you are supposed to treat your partner’s needs and desires on the same level as your own needs and desires. A relationship is where you lose your selfishness and “the two become one.” (Sound familiar? It is included in most church wedding services.) Do you want a partner who is always focused on himself?
5. You have a mental image of him having sex with his co-worker and you can’t get it out of your thoughts. You may never be free of that image. How many times will you think about this when you are having sex with your partner? Will he be thinking about her instead of you? You could ask him, but you wouldn’t able to trust his answer, would you?
* * *
Imagine that you are five or ten years in the future, looking back at how you handled the decision when you discovered your partner’s infidelity. Did you make a decision that was right for you, even though it was difficult? (Remember what Rabbi Hillel said, ”If I am not for myself, who else should be?”) Did you make the decision that allowed you to be lazy and take the path of least resistance? When you look back five or ten years from now, will you be proud of how you handled this crisis?
What Girls & Guys Said
13 16Most cheats involve coworkers because people spend most of their times with
u shouldn't. the end
Nah. I don't believe that whole "But baby I love you, I always have" cause if you really loved me, why did you do something to hurt me?
Precisely!
I don't know why but I find that 95% of all my girl friend, s only forgive guys that cheat&treat them like trash. I don't know why but I notice they never give that guy they broke up with over something dumb or because of being too immature a 2nd chance. I had a friend who give 4 chance to a guy who cheated on her 4 times and left her to deal with the pain of losing their twin kids during birth alone another chance. why would you give a 2nd chance to someone who wasn't there for you when you were having his kids? even more so after they died and still wasn't there for u. Another friend of mine is still with her current boyfriend that treats her like trash every now and then. She once dated a guy that treated her like a princess but was poor at the time when they dated so her parents forced her to dump him. He was a really sweet guy everyone looked him but she never give the guy a 2nf chance even after admitting he treated her better then her current boyfriend. I did ask my friend why she stays with a guy who didn't treat her with respected for the first 6 months of their relationship and even cursed her out 2 weeks ago because she said another guy was cute. And the only thing she had to say was he, s cute, my parents love him and I get to do whatever I want with him. I don't understand girls tbh both of my friends are dumb
It sounds like you are younger than 25-29. Some people - not just girls - do some extremely irrational things when they are dealing with matters of the heart. You need to pay attention to this aspect of someone's personality when selecting a partner for a relationship.
Why do they do this? And am now 25 so I just stop putting up with people bull shit excuse. I learned people just don't wanna admit when they are wrong or try fixing things because it's more easy to just find someone new and start fresh.
Did I make a mistake by giving my LER boyfriend a second chance when I found out he was with someone else?
Probably. Experience will teach you this lesson.
My ex is not only a cheater but contracted an STI and STILL blamed me for it even though my tests were clean and his weren't. We're now going through the same thing except he won't get tested even though he thinks he has an STD. I am getting tested but he said even if the tests come back negative that he got it from me. You know, this mysterious STD that he doesn't even freaking know he has. And he's accused me of cheating. He who continuously pops up with dating profiles.
Yeah, I don't have time for that shit. Was with that waste of human life for 2 years. He can kick rocks with no damn shoes on.
there's one situation where its understandable ie if one of you is practically asexual then you really shouldn't have got together in the first place.
But in some situations where you need to stay together family or liveing in a less sophisticated society that doesn't allow divorce it may be a necessary evil.