Sexual Relationships
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Why Won't My Boyfriend Let Me Dominate Him?

I was a virgin until I met my boyfriend. So, from the moment we started dating, it was him taking the lead (with my consent). Even before this, I knew I was incredibly submissive. And while he has dominated me over and over again, he's mentioned his secret love for being submissive twice now.

One night I was feeling ballsy and asked to top him. I expected him to be happy, but he seemed reluctant. Even trying to get me to concede to being submissive as usual by teasing me. Regardless, I straddled him before inserting him inside me, however after a couple grinding motions he stopped me and said that I was "a better sub" and more hurtfully, "asked if I even liked penis?". Then, he flipped me over and proceeded to tease, and top me. It was a bit humiliating.

He tried to comfort me later, as I was a bit upset, by saying dominating and subbing was all about attitude, but both were equally great to him and that he loved dominating me. But I'm still a bit affected by it. I tried grinding on him the other day as well, but once again, he turned the tables rather quickly.

I don't get it. If he also loves being submissive, why does he shut me down every time I try to dominate him? Is the idea turning him off?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • LOL because being dominant is totally making yourself the one to lead. So that he can not do anything but let you dominate him. Right now, his attitude is that you don't have the capacity or the mental ability to be dominant, so that when you try, he doesn't feel it and he just feels you're not trying hard enough or that it's a futile act and it's more of a, "aww she's trying to be dominant..." and overcomes you.

    What you have to do is maybe introduce something to the realm that he'll have a hard time to over power you. So maybe get him into bondage. Like you get handcuffs or a scarf or something and pretend that it's just playing around you trying out handcuffs on him or something like that, NOT relating it to sex as much as possible. SO then once he's handcuffed, then you can start dominating him. But the whole attitude of being dominant is being confident in yourself and your sensuality and you feeling like you are going to blow his mind and you are the only one that can do it. This is the attitude you have to have. Almost like he's your sexual piece of meat that you can do whatever you want with and he can't do anything to stop you. That's what dominance is to an extent, or what type of mental state you should be in, well sexual dominance. If you don't have the physical strength for this and that worries you, than use things like the handcuffs and scarfs and rope to help out. Also, if you start being more aggressive in your attitude toward him when you're in a control position like on top, than he'll resist more to fight you, or that if you can fight him hard enough for control, it will win him over then. What he feels dominance for him is someone that can take over control over him.

    • You really hit the nail on the head regarding my emotional state and most likely, his as well. He calls me adorable and cute ALL THE TIME, so if I don't show him I'm in the headspace while dominating him, he'll probably still think it's cute. Meanwhile, I feel silly because I am not in the headspace and my boyfriend is much taller and stronger than myself, so physically trying to hold him down and the like seems useless. That said, the handcuff thing sounds like a really good idea. I might even blindfold him for my own sake, since I get embarrassed easily.

    • Yep, it's hard to feel dominant when someone is more physically imposing. But you can be mentally dominant, in that you are confident in yourself and that you could care less how someone feels about you, you know you're capable of being strong and perhaps even stronger than he is. Physical strength isn't really dominance. It is physical dominance, but if you are mentally more dominant, he'll be a big puppy dog.

  • I think he should be more relaxed and give both of you the chance to experiment more in your relationship, it kills the routine in bed if you switched the dominant and submissive roles every now and then.

    • I agree. It's definitely my fault too, because I feel like I chicken out or get super embarrassed easily by trying something out of my comfort zone. Though I will say, he seems very keen on routine so this might be part of it. This is something we will have to work on I guess haha

    • good luck with that, hope you heat up your sex life

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 8

  • Maybe...

    It’s hard to say. It could be that he’s just testing you in those moments and wants you to put him in his place.

    It could also be he doesn’t really know what submission is, or he has a different idea of what submission is than you do.

    Or it could be that he’s afraid that you’ll respect/trust/care/love him less if he submits to you.

    Or all, or none of these.

    It’s super complicated... but don’t take it personally. Be strong and talk to him... try to learn what he likes and doesn’t like. Trust always comes first!

  • It sounds like he is turned on but he is just a hounded sub... if I were you I would tie him down and then mount him!

    • Everyone is saying tie him down. Definitely will consider haha

  • Most guys won't let u... i hv had sex with younger guys n they dominated even more

  • Is this the only way people know how to have sex these days? That one person always *has* to dominate the other? Is your definition of sex so narrowly limited to that one word?

  • He's a control freak... might not trust you either

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