Sexual Relationships
11 mo

Why won't my boyfriend talks won't share his issues with me?

Him and I have been together for about 2 years. Everything was fine at first. After around the first 6 months of dating, he admitted having certain issues concerning his vision of intercourse. I kept asking why but he always explained vaguely. I wanted to respect his privacy so didn't ask too many questions. He then started to speak about this issues with a "spiritual guide", those who speak with spirits and all. We're into these things and, I don't mind because she's more like a psychologist than anything else.

Now he says that he has understood that he needs to change certain things concerning his vision of sexuality and despite me trying, he says he doesn't want to engage in sexual activities right now but I don't know how long this will last. Should I move on because, his issues with sex has been going on from 1y and a half now, and discussing sexual needs and all has been a real challenge. I can't even bring up things I'd like different without him getting defensive. I am happy he understood that he needs to change but, I feel like his decision of pulling away is straining the relationship. I don't necessarily feel happy about it, but I know it's necessary...

How can I come with all of this, and should I feel a kind of way that he is willing to talk about these issues with a stranger but becomes defensive when I bring them up?

Thanks for any help :)

Updates:
11 mo
Thanks for the responses, I am so sorry for all my typos. I was busy and trying to keep up with all the replies. Some of you have really been helpful. He knows he has issues and I guess part of me just have a hard time accepting that he wasn't honest about that from the start. And with all the arguments, I kind of resent him now.
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AI Bot Choice

Superb Opinion

  • The problem in relations is often the importance people place on sex, fornication and copulating. This should never take such an importance that it puts the relation in jeopardy.

    Also, dating for 6 months is by far not enough to know a person inside out. You made the experience that even after 6 months of dating, your boyfriend is hiding important facts about himself from you.

    The fact that he will not share his sexual issues with you simply indicates that he does not trust you with his problems or that they are to that extend that you may be put off, repulsed or even will sever the relation. If communication is not bringing any positive results, then your only reasonable option is to leave him because if he does not open to you, your relation will only worsen with time.

    You did your share by asking him to open up to you and his failure at listening to you only indicates that he is facing intense psychological issues. Those need to be addressed first and that may take a lot of time. Are you willing to wait that long? I doubt and that is why you have to seriously contemplate ending this relation that is bringing you down and may even lead to you starting a depression. Good luck.

    • Hello Thanks a lot! Well, to clarify, we have been together for 2 years but 7 months ago, issues stated coming up. This all began when I started bringing up my needs in our relationship. When we met, he was open minded, easy to talk to but things started changing quickly. Tbh, I don't put much importance to sex, he usually was the one to initiate, I can stay without for a few days and all and it never was an issue on my part. But, when things started going down, I naturally was less likely to have intercourse which he complained about a lot. I explained to him why things were difficult and everytime the subject came up, it wasn't possible to have a adult discussion. Only after discussing his issues (that he never really shared with me), he then decided to talk. But, I feel a little bit drained, and now he says that he doesn't want to have intercourse because of his issues (that are still unclear.. but I got to understand a little bit more, he says it has to do with impulses and his vision of sex and women). I don't really know what's going on in his head and he is never explicit about it. I stay patient but... I feel weird that he shared this things with this person yet, won't share them with me. I know it's therapeutic but, I am still involved since it takes two to have intercourse (usually). I don't know how long I am willing to wait because I feel like I've been very patient for almost a year now. And, arguments about the same issues are... Hard, honestly I am just searching for a solution or, maybe it's le being difficult... I don't know

    • I almost believe that he has had a trauma of some kind and that is preventing him to openly discussing this issue with you, perhaps because he is ashamed of what happened or because it brings back those memories he is trying to forget. Don't take it personal that he is opening his issue (s) with a specialist. They are there to help. He feels that he can do it with them because they don't know him and because for them, he is a case out of a thousand. What you could do is to try to talk with him about going to couples therapy. He may feel better if he can open in front of a person that specializes in those kind of issues.

    • Well you're probably right. I find two years of relationship is early to be going to couples therapy. I guess I should take this a way of showing dedication to the relationship. I think you're right about the trauma, since everytime I ask I never get a direct answer.. But thanks, we already spoke about seeing a therapist, and hopefully that'll help 😊

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

  • So I’m spiritual and the thing about spirituality , is it shouldn’t be this difficult ☺️ Whoever he is seeing is essentially turning spirituality into the basis of christianity and other extreme religions and that is not the point of spirituality. The point of spirituality is to follow your own path that opens you up to your own true personal self and creates self love, so that lady that he is seeing is already creating a false narrative by making him need to change for the sake of the religion. Change should come from within and not because some person told you , you need to change. I think he is being religiously manipulated and it can get worse unfortunately

    • Thanks a lot for your response, I am sorry because my original post maybe gave the idea that it's a form of religion he. I don't really know what she says to him as I don't really like to follow people. He says that she helps him and is a nice person so, I try and give as much space as possible. Sadly, I observed that he is the type of person to often ask for information instead of looking for himself. I clearly share your opinion about spirituality and I try to tell him that he should listen to himself first. I feel like he's the one Turing her words into preaches. I don't think she told him to abstain but, he tends to go to extremes a lot

    • Absolutely! So I was religiously manipulated before I turned to spirituality, and my biggest advice is you need to heavily research a religion on your own instead of listening to others because people interpret religion so differently to the point where someone else’s version of religion may not fit you or is just too controlling with a purpose to control. Another thing is people that are heavily into God and Christianity will say they are spiritual in some cases. They do tend to be really nice/ seem really nice (that’s the point of gaining clients) but in reality their practices are not fitting for everyone/ have bad agendas behind them. Spirituality should not be extreme , it’s like when people turn to drugs for spirituality, I actually think it ruins the most because the point of spirituality is to be centered, build self - love , and create easiness to your life. If it isn’t doing those things, it’s not really spirituality anymore ☺️ not sure what you can do about this because in the end he is going to follow what makes him feel most comfortable, but the more he listens to her, the more this will affect your relationship in the long run

Most Helpful Guys

  • he's probably having difficulty sharing his fantasies with you. Many do. Because it is very interpersonal for fear of being judged. If he has kinks, or fetishes he does need to share that with you. Under no circumstances if he does decide to share, are you to laugh, shame, or judge him.

  • Not all guys share their feelings. Which, after a long time, I realized is stupid. If he's not willing to compromise or make you happy, then is he worth your effort? What is really keeping you two together?

    • You're right about that. I mean, I always thought that it was normal to speak about feelings and what not in relationships. Really did my best to meet someone that had this same point of view, I guess I ran short of luck on this one :/ To answer your questions, he did decide to speak about this issue with the spirit lady (sorry, I don't know how to call her) but not after a lot of of arguing. He may come out of this stronger but for me, all of this has just put a lot of stress on my feelings. He may still have feelings but I'm unsure for myself because I don't see a future with dealing with these issues. I guess hope that things will get better keeps me there, we were happy before so why can't it come back. That's what I tell myself

    • He didn't come out stronger cause he didn't take to you about it. If there's something wrong that's affecting your relationship, talking to another doesn't do shit unless he talks to you. If he refuses to talk tonyou, then he's not worth it. You seem like an easy person to talk to. So what's his issue? Cheated and has herpes? Kidding.

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 5

  • Almost 3 years is a long time together... y'all have invested a significant portion of your lives in each other, but it's also clear that there are significant issue (s) affecting the relationship. I don't know about his "spirit guide" but I do think you should try working through this TOGETHER, with the help of a relationship/sex counselor.

    • @blackcat999 Have things changed at all lately? Have you been able to get him to open up a bit more? I also have a somewhat similar question the other way around that I'd like to get your opinion about. Would it be ok if I send you a message to try to explain?

  • He's probably Bi or gay and doesn't have feelings for you anymore. But is lost on how to break it to you.

    • Hello, Thanks but I don't think our issue has to do with sexual orientation. When it comes to loss of feelings, I was the one that almost broke it of first. So, unless he was very manipulative, I don't see why he would want to stay involved with me.

  • He has his best buddies for that

  • It’s been a long time and you still can’t get him to open up. Try to think of something

    • Thanks a lot for your response, the fact is I have been asking questions. I am not the judgmental type and most of my friends and strangers say I give that psychologist vybe. So, the issue isn't comings from me. I really try to engage in conversations but he either gets super defensive or isn't really participating. This wasn't the case when we first met, things changed as issues started surfacing

  • If he doesn't want to have sex with you he's probably a closet case

  • It's just a man thing. Unfortunately men aren't known for sharing there feelings as I know from experience

    • Does this seem natural to you that in a relationship, you don't share how you feel about things with your partner? I mean, I can understand that it's a guy thing but, I feel like this doesn't help for a healthy relationship unless you're aware of everything about your partner :/

    • I'm afraid so. Some men don't like sharing things that they think can make them appear weak

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