Why You are NOT a Victim

*photo by me. please do not use without explicit permission*

I notice a lot of people on the internet and just in life seem to be pretty miserablese days, they're depressed, anxious, and even feel like life has no meaning. As someone who's felt all of those feelings for most of my life, I've often wondered why we get this way. This past year has been a huge battle for me, I've grown a lot and through a lot of tears, therapy sessions, and hard work, I've learned a thing or two about myself and about the victim mentality.

Let me stop anyone right now that feels like I mentioned above and yet has no desire to change themselves. If you want a place to rant, this isn't for you. If you're too angry about your life that you can't open your eyes to new ideas, this isn't for you. So like, seriously, don't waste your or anyone else's time.

Ok so a synopsis of my scars. I was adopted as a child but my adopted parents divorced shortly after. My father remarried an abusive woman and I was verbally abused and literally neglected until I was 17. At 17 I was hit, and threatened, so I moved out. I had an abusive boyfriend at 18. At 21 through therapy I discovered I was most likely sexually assaulted as a toddler. Theses are my main scars, there are others, but these are the ones that I have always felt ruined me as a person. I used to get mad at adoption, mad at mothers, mad at men. I would lash out, a lot like I see here, because I was angry that these people would do this to me, especially when I was a kid. I felt like I was broken because of the childhood I had.

I got a great therapist who nursed my wounds for a while, but eventually she kept saying, "you're not a child anymore, you're a woman. You aren't a victim because of them anymore, you're a victim by choice. I got so mad when she'd say that, I kept thinking, "Dr, I've been irrevocably scarred by my past, I can't see any different! My mind is broken!" But she kept insisting over and over again that I was the perpetrator now, that I had to own up to my feelings, and my sabotages, my anxieties, my depression. That it was my responsibility to be happy. That the past was the past and it will never redeem itself. Eventually her words started to sink in, and over the past say, 9 months I've made some majour breakthroughs, allow me to share them with you:

1. Positive Thinking

Depression is a sickness of the mind. Like the body, you need to nurse it back to health. There are literal neural synopsis that connect certain ways and affect your mood based on the language, tone, and emotion you feed yourself. I began owning up to my strengths, bracing each day with a smile and remembering the things I was grateful for. When I started to see my life in a dark way, I fought through it with all of the good I could think of.

2. Exercise and Diet

The way you eat and exercise will greatly affect your mood. If you aren't in good shape, your body will be tired which makes it harder to feel good and to fight back against the victim mindset you've set up for yourself.

3. Cut out Social Media

No, not completely, but wasting all of your time on a screen doesn't allow yourself time to process your own unique thoughts, think things through and work out your problems. It is a distraction from life and a hollow one at that. It is also a way to bitter remind yourself that others "have it so much better than you" Stop that. No one knows what sort of trials others are going through.

4. Serve

When you're a victim, it's easy to get caught up in everything that's wrong in your life, why it's wrong, who made it wrong, why it's not fair, how it affects you, how it MAY affect you.... on and on and on. When we loo past ourselves and start serving others, it gives us an opportunity to empathize with others, which helps us realize there's more to life than our experiences. Eventually you'll need to forgive those who hurt you, even if only in your heart, serving and developing a love for others builds the character needed to move on. I personally love to go and visit retirement centers or make $5 goodie bags for the local homeless. It can even be as simple as smiling at someone who looks like they need it.

5. Own your mistakes, stop making excuses

A lot of flaws I have I've blamed my childhood for. "I can't keep relationships because I never learned how. I have social anxiety so I can't go to school." But the thing is, I'm an adult. At some point, I just have to fix this mess, regardless of who's fault. I also realized a lot of flaws I have (I was messy, I am flakey when it comes to appointments) I would pass off as my perpetrator's fault, when in reality, I'm messy because I'm too lazy to pick up! I realized I need to stop being afraid of making mistakes, and just enjoy learning and growing. I'm proud to say I've gotten a LOT better with my anxiety, and I always make my bed every day!

It's small, and yeah, sometimes I find myself playing victim, but I am my own enemy now. I promise that this life is open to endless possibilities and endless dead ends, it all depends on attitude. (Although no, you can't fly, that is.... that's not included). There are people who will hurt you, scar you, people who deserve Karma badly. But they too have their issues. They too have their scars. Perhaps even they see themselves as victims, and that's why they hurt others. There is no validation, no reckoning, no peace from playing the victim. There is no romantic martyrdom by putting an "I am plagued with anxiety" or "I was raped and now I can't trust anyone" or "my ex husband abused me so now I use men". There is no excuse for poor decisions, no reason for permanent unhappiness. This MyTake isn't made for everyone, some people need time to be the victim, to heal, to grow, but when healing becomes hating, it's time to move onto the next part of the healing process: Taking back your life.

I was abused and neglected and deeply hurt by friends and family as a child. I am not a Victim. I am a Fighter.