Will I ever lose the conditioning my first boyfriend put me through over sex?

Question

My first boyfriend conditioned me to be afraid to say no to sex. Whenever he was horny but I didn’t want to have sex he would either get really mad and treat me mean or pressure me or just force me. It wasn’t until my 2nd boyfriend that I realized guys aren’t supposed to be like that. When he got horny and I really didn’t want to have sex he would see how scared I was and he would tell me it’s ok if I don’t want to and I felt surprised and relieved because a guy never told me it’s ok if I’m not in the mood. Now I’m with different guys several years later and I’m still scared to say no! 😞

ChrisMaster69 · Accepted Answer

The only real way to lose it, is to start looking at building your confidence in the specific area of emotional consent.

Your first boyfriend has basically Conditioned you as a lot of girls have with abusive relationships. A lot of the time they use guilt against you, with a back up of physical or emotional abuse.

over time this wears down a person and they start accepting this as normal, over time it reinforces itself, where there is actually a no or yes given, just an assumed ‘it’s okay’.

breaking the cycle is hard and I would recommend professional counselling as a starting point.

it is easier if your current partner is not the controlling type and is willing to help, as what you do is sit down and discuss it.

then you agree that he must ask every time, verbally or body language, however you are to say No, firmly but politely, and a positive stop and no.

You are then to initiate sex (this is often the hardest part of it all) with your partner.

Get some one professional to talk to, gain confidence about not being used as a door mat and be strong.

Tunasub · Accepted Answer

I know you want to be over it, it takes time to 100% let go of that type of trauma. Have patience with yourself and hope that your partner will understand and have patience as well. There is no time table to heal from any emotional distress.

When you are ready you will let it go and it will lifted from your thoughts consciously and subconsciously. Maybe not 100% but enough where you will be able to please and be pleased without that burden that your ex put on you..

Take your time...

loves2learn · Accepted Answer

There have been times in my life I found it hard to say no also. I really dislike conflict and I feel really bad if he feels bad. We’ve worked through it by communicating.

PrettyPriya · Accepted Answer

@elizapam I am no expert in the mental health field. I would like to defer to @chrismaster69

summiter · Answer

Eliza... never be afraid to say " NO or maybe later" It is your body and guys should always respect that. I have found through previous girlfriends that they may not be in the mood at times and was (still am) horny all day long. Many of them would often give me a handjob or watch me masturbate which helped.

Has your sexual satisfaction been ok with all of your relationships besides your first boyfriend?

DonkeyDan · Answer

Sounds like your 1st boyfriend was a real jerk. I think you should be able to get more comfortable with it as time goes on but it might depend on how old you were with that 1st boyfriend, learned experiences when you are younger can be harder to shed. I'm glad that you have come to understand that guys aren't generally like that.

RealMarek · Answer

This is very important. I think the best way to overcome this is to talk about it with whoever you are going to have sex with. It is important to be able to communicate with people before being intimate with them. I know that is probably difficult but it will accomplish a number of things. First, if you’re uncomfortable speaking with someone about it, you might reconsider being intimate and vulnerable with that person. Second, jerks might expose themselves as such during the conversation before you end up having sex with them, in which case you will have dodged a bullet. Third, you will have an understanding ahead of time with a man before you are intimate with him, which should help you be more confident about saying no because you know in advance that he will be supportive of you.

Browneye57 · Answer

Oh dear, another victim. You girls just LOVE to whine about being some kind of victim, don't you? You need a shrink.

RasberrySlushPuppy · Answer

Have you actually ever got counselling or like most girls just let your past linger and bring baggage to the next relationship?

crmoore · Answer

I can't give you a definitive answer, I'm not familiar with these sort of things. But I'd imagine that with time, and as long as you don't date guys who might regress your progress, I think you will eventually overcome your fear of saying no. It might take some proactive, conscious reflection on how you saying no it accepted by your partners. But I think ultimately you will overcome this regardless. Lastly, I'm sorry to hear about these experiences of yours.

Den1971 · Answer

That's why he's not your boyfriend anymore if you don't want to have sex then don't do it if somebody gets mad about it don't do things to make other people happy if you're a couple you do things to make the both of you happy if you don't feel like it then don't do it

Twalli · Answer

Tey saying not now, rather than no. Maybe a refusal for the specific time will help

Surely · Answer

Let’s hope so!

888theGreat · Answer

do you know any normal people?

anylolone · Answer

There's no time stamp of how long it takes to handle such things.

You can only get there through working through it. Learn to say no, not only to sex, by the way, and deal with people being mean.

You can quite literally train both, by the way, in a controlled environment.

Charliefretz329 · Answer

It’s difficult. Those things stick but can be overcome

EaterPeter · Answer

Yes.

Diya010 · Answer

Dump him

Will I ever lose the conditioning my first boyfriend put me through over sex?

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