Would love to hear from guys and girls perspective! Is this a sexist double standard or is my friend wrong?

[Anonymous]

My friend pointed something out for me today which I never noticed before. I felt like he had a point but I would like to see what y'all think.

I hang out with him and his girlfriend a lot even know they are quite a bit younger then me. One day we were all watching a movie together and his girlfriend began fawning over an actor in the movie and making explicit and sexual comments about the actor, which I hear lots of my girl friends do often. He told her that he felt weird about her saying things like that about another guy. She got pissed off at him and threw a tantrum and saying that he was trying to control her and stop her from expressing herself and she said that it was healthy to be attracted to other people, even in a relationship.

Anyway, recently we were all hanging out again at the beach and a girl with a large bust and 🍑 was sun bathing nearby and he sought of looked at her here and there (as did I because she was eye catching and I am a straight woman). His girlfriend did not say anything until we went to the nearby cafe. But she was being quiet and clearly upset about something. He tried to get her to tell him but she got defensive and after a bit of arguing she said she felt self conscious and she didn't like that he was "checking her out".

He said he was really frustrated by this and felt like it was a double standard that women have. I have to admit that I have noticed that women fawning and objectifying male celebrities or attractive men seems to be acceptable, even right in front of their own monogamous partner! But if a man comments, objectifies or even looks at an attractive woman it is called sexist or it is seen as wrong that he is ogling another woman?

What do you think? Please don't be sexist or nasty, I am just curious if this is a thing or just something that my friend and I have experienced or seen.

[Angela_S]

I think there's a difference between being openly/obviously attracted to a celebrity, and being a real person. And the same goes for both sexes. Whether either is acceptable in a relationship is up to the people in that relationship, and it needs a conversation about what each person thinks is acceptable/respectful of whatever. Men and women WILL be attracted to other humans there's no getting away from it. Me and my b/f have been together 3 years, and I know he discreetly checks-out other women when he thinks I'm not looking. I do the same with men. It's kind of an "agreement" between us, we never make it obvious and we never comment on it. When we first started dating, it used to bother me a bit when he said he found people attractive, and I know it bothered him when I said it as well, so we both just stopped making it obvious. As our relationship grew it became less of an issue. When it comes to celebrities however... my b/f has a WAY higher sex-drive than me, and even though we have very regular sex, and I give him additional hand jobs, sometimes he will get turned-on by a sexy actress or singer who he likes on TV. And when I say turned-on, I actually mean if he's just wearing a bath-robe or boxers or something, his great big hard-on will be sticking right out in full view. For some reason, I find this hilarious rather than getting jealous about it, especially when he eventually has to wank himself off. We have a "rule" in our apartment, where I will only get rid of a hard-on that I've caused. So yeah, it should be the same rule for both sexes, but for us there's a difference between celebs and "real" people... dunno if that's a double-standard, I don't think so though.

[Amy10223]

First of all, I don't think it is sexist at all. To be sexually and esthetically attracted the opposite sex if you are heterosexual, to tot the same sex if you are homosexual, is a natural thing. Unless you are asexual, you will feel that when you see someone who is pleasing to you. There is no shame in it not should there be.

What I found to be more weird in your friend is that she felt she could make comments about the man she saw on the TV, and voiced discontent when her boyfriend said he felt weird. She took it as though he was trying to control her--and when he did the same--she was pissed off and insulted. Why should she be insulted? She did the same thing right in front of him--at least he kept quiet about what he was looking at on the beach, and she just happened to catch him. I say--people will be attracted to others, you can't control that. So your girlfriend needs to understand that--and her boyfriend just needs to be more aware of her getting jealous.

[Asker]

I agree! I did find that very strange that she was mad at him for saying something about it. Although I do think that attitude is larger than just this relationship. When I hang out with all of my girl friends they are quite open about fawning, objectifying and sexualizing attractive guys and celebrities. But, they also somehow seem to take issue with guys doing the same in there group of friends? It could be something to do with them feeling that there self worth is a lot to do with there own looks maybe?

[Amy10223]

I think she overreacted when she made a big deal on him “controlling” her. It’s almost as if she was picking a fight with him and expecting his reaction. She could also have trust issues, or insecurities and in fact, SHE may be the one who is controlling him. Unless she gets over this, the future of the relationship looks grim.

[snackthatsmilesback]

It is a double standard yes. It can be a bit tricky tho, cause you don't want to upset your partner but if they are being controlling you want to address it. In this case, it seems like she doesn't realize that his feelings likely come from the same place as hers. Just because he's a man doesn't mean every rule he wants is rooted in control over her. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean every rule she wants is rooted in insecurity of herself.

qnd that's I think the deeper double standard. Because if women seriously believed men could be upset about this shit because it makes him feel bad about himself, then I think they'd be more open to requests to stop. And if women seriously believed they could be the ones just seeking control by setting rules like this, they'd be more open to relaxing them. My 2 cent anyway

[Asker]

I feel the same on this one! Do you think that the celebrity status of the person being sexualized matters?

[snackthatsmilesback]

Not really. A celebrity could walk by in person, a regular person could be a sexy extra in a movie. I don't think for this that it's much of a difference.

[Asker]

I also think about the new society of internet celebrities too! There is an enormous blend of celebrity-non celebrity status people now. Would it be appropriate for him to be fawning or sexualizing a girl on Instagram with 10000 followers because she could be considered a "celebrity"? I don't think so personally.

[Effably]

Ordinarily yes, I feel it is perfectly fine for a girl to go into detail about the things she wants to do or have done to her with a male celebrity but if a guy did the same he'd probably be lashed at most times.

However I don't feel your example quite holds up to call this instance wrong. While he probably just looked because it was eye catching and not due to any desire to cheat the difference between a physical person around you and someone you only know through a screen is hard to compare.

But if he began describing what he'd want to do with some celebrity I doubt it'd play much better. Just this case I don't feel it strictly applies.

[Asker]

Interesting! It really sounds like this celebrity status really matters to people. What about if she made all of those comments and sexualized the celebrity and then met the celebrity in person at some point? And doesn't the outright exclaimation of sexual fantasies with another guy show a possible desire to cheat more than a glimpse at a girls big bum or boobs when they are quite visible?

[Guy13]

It is a double standard but I have chosen general etiquette and her sense of security over a really nice butt…with my side vision causing my neck to twitch as I fight the cramp….

[Asker]

Hahahaha! That is interesting. So you have also experienced that? And so you have chosen to fight your urge to "check out" other women to make your girlfriend feel more secure? Does she openly fawn over attractive guys and celebrities though? Because it would be different if she did not do that and then you were just checking out women xD

[Guy13]

No truth is the girl I’m just starting to feel out is on good behavior. The truth is if I ever want a “steady stream” of 👄 🍆…. my ass is looking her right in the eyes 👀 👀 listening and talking right in the middle of Model Town. This just life 🤷🏻‍♂️

[MCheetah]

Women are full of double standards like this and I don't take them, or their stupidity, seriously anymore, assuming I ever did. She's an asshole and he needs to dump her.

[Ayesha587]

She was Simping over a celebrity in a movie. It's a lot different from you checking out a real women who was Infront of you irl.
I would be upset too like her. Doesn't make sense , if she checks out real life guys too Infront of you then it could be upsetting. that's not a double standard , if she is only checking out celebs.

[Asker]

That is interesting! It sound like this is the concensus amongst women but the guys seem to disagree, fascinating! So would it be okay with you if your boyfriend was talking about how much he found a woman on television sexy and getting excited over the thought of a sexual encounter with them?

[Ayesha587]

Yes , cuz he is still a human and he can find some celebs sexy , like I can have celebs as a crush too. And we can do fantasize with them too. Yeah I won't disagree I and he can get a bit jelous over their partner liking some other women even if they are celebs cuz that's natural, it should be fun to get jelous not toxic. Unless it's not toxic , being jelous is ok , which is kinda fun. . I m perfectly fine with him having celeb crush and he should be fine with me having celeb crush. Things are bad when we check out real life people Infront or not Infront of our spouse, cuz it can make us insecure or whatever , cuz with celebs we don't compare as millions of people like them but with rl humans we do get insecure. That's natural. Tell me if you agree? What's ur opinion on this.

[WhitneySnow]

It’s different cause the guy she was objectifying was a celebrity on TV

[Asker]

That is interesting! It sound like this is the concensus amongst women but the guys seem to disagree, fascinating! So would it be okay with you if your boyfriend was talking about how much he found a woman on television sexy and getting excited over the thought of a sexual encounter with them?

[WhitneySnow]

I guess. Cause it’s a harmless fantasy and he’s never gonna meet her and she’s not gonna get with him if he does.

[Asker]

So it's less about the sexual fantasies over other women but more just that you are okay with it because it is so unlikely that he would get the opportunity to do that? That is an interesting way of thinking 🤔 (not saying you are wrong, it is just fascinating seeing the different ways of thinking!) Okay, well I might change it up a bit. With the whole celebrity sexual fantasies being okay, what if he was sexualizing and fawning over a female internet celebrity? One with say, 10000 followers. Would that be fine still or is that not okay?

[WhitneySnow]

Still okay but I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled with it. Basically people in relationships should be allowed to have sexual fantasies about celebrities but they shouldn’t be allowed to reach out to those celebrities and try and make their fantasies real.

[20yearsolder]

There is a difference, one was in person the others on the TV. Personally it's all harmless bullshit. He wasn't going to try to get into bed with her. She doesn't have the opportunity to fuck the actor. They both need to relax

[Asker]

It's not really harmless though. He is insecure about how she is constantly saying how attractive these guys are because he says she does not get that excited over him. On top of that, the point is not that he wasn't going to get into bed with that woman and that she doesn't get the chance to have sex with the celebrity. It's about the standard for men and women when it comes to being seen as pigs or a holes. There are a lot of unspoken rules in monogamous relationships and it is interesting to see if there are gendered expectations.

[20yearsolder]

I've been married for 32 years. I know about monogamous relationships. It's not her problem but he's insecure. Every woman I know finds some celebrity hot. Making comments about someone that you actually know and finding them hot is completely different story

[Sixgunsound]

It is absolutely a thing, and it is absolutely indefensible.

[DJB72]

Yep. The double standard haunts us.

[HighValue]

He should just leave her. I wouldn't tolerate a partner like that. She was disrespectful to him and the relationship.

[FilmGuy93]

What you've noticed is DEFINITELY a thing. Women have absolutely no problems at all with objectifying the shit out any attractive man they encounter. And they have no problems doing it in the most piggish ways possible in front of their boyfriends/husbands.

But there is 10,000% hell to pay if men do something even mildly similar to women.

This idea that men are pigs and women are somehow these nice docile creatures is an absolute joke.

[Asker]

I tend to agree with this. Even in my friend groups with just us girls it is not uncommon for them to gossip, fawn, sexualize, objectify and even make moaning noises while thinking of guys they find attractive, even right next to there boyfriend or husband! I feel like it is a bit gross, especially since if I was sitting with a group of guys saying the same about women in front of there wives and girlfriends I would think they are a bunch of dicks. What do you think of the celebrity argument being brought up? It seems like that is the point in which there is a divide.

[FilmGuy93]

That seems like a pretty weak argument to me, honestly. Celebrities are real people too. We all have fantasies, we all have celebrity crushes, but it's disrespectful to your partner either way.

[Asker]

See I tend to agree with that! Like what about internet celebrities? Or a girl with 10000 followers on Instagram? If he was making sexual comments about a girl like that would it just be all harmless celebrity crush? I just find the whole "it's a celebrity" argument is just an attempt to justify objectification as well?

[FilmGuy93]

Of course, it's an attempt to justify her disrespectful behavior. You saw the way she reacted to her boyfriend's concerns; she didn't give shit about how he felt, it was all about her feeling like she's in control. She even used the word "control." She knew her behavior was disrespectful, but she doesn't care because she wants to be in control. She wants to do whatever she wants to do whenever she wants to do it, and she doesn't want anyone, especially not a man, telling her that she can't. Why does she get upset about her man checking out another woman, because she's realizing that she doesn't have complete control over him. All these intersexual dynamics boil down to one thing; control.

[TroyDT2]

Yes and no. Yes because they both scoped other people. No because hers was on screen and his was in person. As a test the next time they watch a movie he should comment on a hot actress in the film and see how she reacts. If it is the same as at the beach, she is a hypocrite. If she is fine with it, maybe the closeness of the curvy lady on the beach was perceived as a genuine threat.

[Asker]

I like this! Very thoughtful comment. I was thinking the same, I wanted to test her and see if she would be bothered by him saying something about a celebrity but there are a few issues. He doesn't want to cause an argument, she doesn't always often admit that something is bothering her and it's not really my place to experiment on them 😂

[Andridaca]

Neither of them are sexist, but they do have double-standards.

[boobliker]

some men and women are like it mostly will say something at the time others stomp off.

[AimeeKyle]

It is a double standard (for the most part). Many women feel they can say anything they want about a guy they are physically attractive to….. but then get mad if their man say anything about or notices other women.

[Twalli]

I think it is different if they're in a visual medium th se n if they're a normal person. For example my girlfriend doesn't mind if I find pornstars or actresses attractive. That's normal. She isn't as thrilled that I find some friends attractive. It's not an issue because she knows I won't cheat, but it's more that the former aren't attainable, while the others are.

[KrakenAttackin]

This is classic entitled, narcissistic, female syndrome. He needs to dump her.

[peterrezeeek]

In fact, without any bias towards a particular gender, I say.. When two partners truly love each other and are in a relationship, one should not make the other feel that there is more beautiful than you and I am attracted to him, it must be annoying and make the other party frustrating. We must all like someone else or a famous person like I did, but it's better to keep her opinion because it will hurt the partner anyway and feel incomplete and that is better than him

[Asker]

Interesting! I personally agree with your opinion too. But it definitely does seem like it is acceptable for us to objectify, sexualize and openly exclaim our sexual fantasies with other guys to our partner so long as the other guy is considered a "celebrity". I do wonder if other girls would feel weird if there partner began doing the same over a celebrity woman though 🤔

[peterrezeeek]

I think she will definitely get annoyed.. Thank you for your opinion. It is possible to share with her partner that this artist is beautiful or, for example, looks sexy. To take the initiative and kiss his lips after that and tell him you are the best of course... This way he will not be upset..🌹do you agree with me?

[Zolly99999]

Total double standard!!!

What's good for the goose is good for the gander !!

[Asker]

Interesting! There is definitely a gender divide here. I personally do feel that this is a double standard myself. It sounds like other girls feel like the celebrity status of the person that they are sexualizing matters. Do you agree?

[Zolly99999]

It shouldn't matter If that person is a celebrity or average person on the street.. it's all the same. After we are all just human beings no matter what the status is

[CharlieDMX]

It's a question of nuances. A). it's not the same fawning over a celebrity in a movie than fawning over a real person you saw on the beach. B) the guy checked the girl out, but did not do any sexual remarks. She did. Definitely not the same C) They have trust issues and that relationship won't end well

[Batsy01010101]

she's a hypocrite and a bitch i've dealt with that before

[Batsy01010101]

any woman who justifies it is a huge red flag and to stay away from

[Anonymous]

She Absolutely Did Nothing Wrong, It Is Human Nature For Both Sexes To Notice Others, It Is OKAY To Fantasize About Others, Especially Celebrities…
Going Through With The Sexual Thoughts Is Completely Different…
He Is Insecure…
My Fiancé Will 100% Agree With Me, She Says The Same Thing…