Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
"Why didn't you run?"
It's very simple to say this to a sexual abuse survivor if you have not been in their shoes. You don't know the circumstances they were in while being abused. You don't know if they were threatened or how young they were or any other circumstance. Most sexual abuse survivors freeze, are very young, are held down, drugged, scared for their life, don't know how to escape, and/or are unconscious. There is no way to magically get out of an abuse situation.
"Why didn't you report them?"
There are many reasons why sexual abuse survivors don't report their abuse. Age can factor into this. If you are a child or even a teen and an adult threatens your life you will most likely believe them. They may be a parent or relative and you have no idea how to handle it. You may not even know the assailant. You may not even realize it happened in enough time to report it (if you were drugged). You may think you did something wrong. And not to mention a trial is lengthy and makes the healing process much worse. How would you feel if you have to be in front of a crowd of people through a trial and have someone pick apart who you are as a person?
"So you aren't a virgin anymore?"
I'm still a virgin. It does not matter what happened against my will when I was a child. I have never had sex willing, so yes, I am a virgin. Being raped or molested does not make you any less "pure" sexually as any other person. You didn't want it, it does not count.
"You were so young, are you sure it wasn't a dream?"
This does not apply to some people who have experienced sexual abuse, but it does to me so I want to include it. Why would a three year old dream of such a thing? How would a little girl who was five even know about something like this? Why would a little kid know what a penis looked like? Ask yourself that, that answers your question.
"It's over though, why does it still bother you?"
For many of those who suffer sexual abuse, it will NEVER be over. Does not matter if it happened yesterday or 50 years ago, it still happened and it changes you forever. It is like getting a tattoo and wondering why it is still on your skin years later. In my experience, I have tried to get over it, but it can still come in horrible waves back to me.
"So you're gay because you were assaulted?"
I don't struggle with this, but I know other do. You do not magically become a different sexuality because someone assaulted you. You are born with your sexuality and it is completely ignorant and rude to assume that someone is a certain sexuality because of what happened to them.
"You're a man, why didn't you act like one?"
Obviously, I have never been asked this, but I know that sometimes men have to go through this. ANYONE can be raped. Just because you are a man does not mean you are immune. We live in such a society in which men are supposed to be "manly men," but getting raped or assaulted in any way does not make you any less of a man. If anything the person who did that to you is a monster and less of a man (if they were a man).
"Well you dressed like a slut, what do you expect?"
You could be dressed as a nun and still be raped. You are a horrible person if you blame someone for being raped by their choice of clothing. Women should be allowed to wear what they want and live their lives without the fear of being raped. I know rape still happens and will always happen, but you should in no way blame it on clothing.
"But it's just like if I had a bunch of diamonds on and I walked through a bad neighborhood, so it's kinda your fault, you know that right?"
Oh I'm sorry? Was I supposed to remove my vagina and put on a strapon?? I should not be shamed for just being a woman. What the actual fuck? What if I have a late shift and am just trying to walk home? What if a man breaks into my house? What if I'm minding my own business and jogging?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR RAPE. PERIOD.
Life After Sexual Assault:
It can be hard as hell. I've had my highs and lows and it has definitely affected me sexually. Sometimes when I think about sex I get disgusted and want to never think about it again. I go through periods in which I don't think about it at all and periods where it haunts me. I've attempted suicide multiple times and tried to numb myself with pills. But for those of you who are reading this that have suffered from abuse, I want you to know that there is hope. Even though it sometimes is a dark cloud in my life, I am still happy. I'm focused and determined on my future. I'm focused on defining myself as more than a sexual abuse survivor with a shitty past. Through the years I have discovered that I'm not an object to be abused and I can take control of my life. And I want to let whoever is in the depths of this hell know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
If any of you who have suffered from this want to chat, feel free to message me :)
National Sexual Abuse Hotline: Call 1-800-656-4673
What Girls & Guys Said
24 22My sincere sympathy for you and your kinds. I personally still consider people like you, who were sexually assaulted unwillingly to be virgins.
And we all just agree with you?
Is there a problem with what I wrote
I'm not allowed to have a problem with it.
What do you have a problem with?
Hmm i beg to differ in some of those points but i grew up differently so its understandable.
You are strong to just write this.
I wish you a long happy life
Thank you, that means a lot
your reference to diamonds is a poor analogy. i'd see the correlation if you had walked through a prison yard naked.
I've had people say that to me before, hence why I used it
read up on menedez brother case. they eventually killed their parents. dad was sexually assaulting them since a young age and mom did nothing about it despite knowing.
Can you link me?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyle_and_Erik_Menendez
I agree with the distaste of these phrases. Too many times have I heard these. I hate hearing them, and often do to this day. Thank you to all those who stayed strong during hard times and didn't give up. You lovelies are the ones that have the most experience.
Stay beautiful,
-SJ
All of those things have been said to me. After I was raped my life totally changed
I'm sorry that happend to you. A lot of people dont understand how vunerable you are because of this and asking questions does even more damage
Yeah it went on for four years before I even said anything
Thats horrible, I'm glad you said something. I understand how hard it is in these types of situations
Thank you for this shining beacon of logic and understanding
It was brave to write this and many here including me appreciate you did
Ok then... The Virgin part is wrong the person isn't a virgin.
Bruh! I'm in tears.
What if a guy's forced at gunpoint into cheating on his boyfriend by having sex with another female? Did he cheat on her, or did he not since he had his life threatened?
*cheating on his girlfriend
@TylerKuykendall she knew the circumstances so no it's not cheating. Now if hit her up and said that shit was good I would like to beat up your pu***y again then there's a huge problem.
@Junlian If those circumstances indicate that he didn't cheat, why don't they indicate that a rape victim who hasn't previously been sexually active is a virgin? It has to be one's *choice* for it to count as losing it.
Walk a while in my shoes then we will talk.
Sex is sex. Bad sex, rape, or half sex. You lost your virginity period. If a girl had sex with you ( say you were a Virgin) but she regretted it and Stopped midway. Did you lose your virginity cause it was her choice to stop it midway? Yes you lost it cause no matter what happen you still had sex period.
@Junlian oh Im sorry I didn't know my father raping me as a little girl was "bad sex". I didn't lose my virginity. I dont care what you say so dont talk to me.
I'm so sorry about what your dad did but facts are fact great my take though. If a cat dress up like a dog is he a dog or a cat. If your dad had sex with you your not longer a virgin. Around the world more males are molested than females by the opposite sex as men we have to hold that suffering cause even if it is reported it will only be overlooked by the authorities. I was molested by several females on more than one occasion, yes I was badly traumatized but I try move from it and live a free and healthy life as possible. I'm not saying you should do the same cause we all have to find our own way just don't make it hold you back ok.
This isn't a battles of the genders, its horrible whoever does it and whoever it happens to, Im sorry thag happened to you. I dont know why we have to do the man vs woman thing when sexual abuse is horrible either way. But as far as being a virgin or not, I am. There is nothing anybody can say that will make me think otherwise
Ok madam
Your logic is all over the place. Let's clear it up, @skeye89 You say that if a woman is forced to have sex with another man besides her boyfriend at gun point, it isn't cheating. However, you claim all sex is sex, even if it's forced. If sex outside of a relationship is cheating and sex is sex even if it's forced, by your own logic, the woman cheated, despite it being forced. But you say that a person who was raped still lost their virginity because sex is sex no matter what. Your logic simply isn't consistent.
"Around the world more males are molested than females by the opposite sex as men we have to hold that suffering cause even if it is reported it will only be overlooked by the authorities. I was molested by several females on more than one occasion, yes I was badly traumatized but I try move from it and live a free and healthy life as possible. I'm not saying you should do the same cause we all have to find our own way just don't make it hold you back ok." 1) the comment about males is irrelevant. In her take she wrote from a male POV as well as female. This take was not about female victims it was about all victims. So why are YOU making it a gender thing? 2) she is moving on from it. She has said she's gotten better but still has her bad moments. I don't know why you even said that. I don't know why you've said any of the crappy things you've said.
@RachelBrigs Ok. I don't know what your intentions are or why your trying to confuse my points but your entitled to believe what you wish
Great take. ☺
Men are raped in prison all the time
I'm aware, and I tried to include the male POV as well
This post wasn't about females being raped, it was about all rape victims. The fuck is your point.
Wait, do people seriously say this stupid shit?😠i can't anymore😣
I know... its rather depressing. But I have to keep in mind for the people who do say these things there are people who are kind and understanding
I know I could not believe anyone who is sane, or has half a brain would dare utter those comments to a sexual assault survivor.
@Queenofsexyfoxes
"At 13 you literally don't know shit." Do you mean that by experience? Because I may be 13, but that doesn't me I'm inexperienced. So, what I haven't been sexually abuse, that doesn't mean I haven't been abused at all. Think with your brain, not you mouth.
I've never experienced sexual assault. But I would say that I have experienced sexual harassment. Harassment makes me look at the world so differently. I empathize so much with my brothers and sisters who have dealt with sexual assault. It takes a strong person to battle back from that. Know that there are always people there to support you and that you are not alone.
Well said. I'm exactly the same.
I'm on anti depressants, I've had councilling. I had depression before but it's given me a number of problems that I needed help with. Even now, if I get upset or depressed, I still wonder if it would be best if I ended it all. I still feel like I deserved everything.
I was assaulted 3 years ago. It was 2 months before my 21st birthday.
No one deserves that. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I want you to know things do get better, I promise.
I have a long history of mental abuse stemming from my mum when I was 5 so I take negative behaviour more readily than positive. In my head I know I don't deserve it, in my heart negative behaviour is normal to me. I hope so...
I understand it being normal to you, it is very hard to change something that was ingrained in you from such an early age. It is good you are counseling, changing your way of viewing yourself is a good place to start
Sadly I've finished counselling. It only covered my rape. I'm on my own again.
Do you have insurance?
No... Insurance doesn't exactly work like that here.
There is a clinic close to me that offers free counseling if you dont have insurance, maybe you should try checking into that. Have you checked into Obamacare?
I'm not in the US. I've had all the free counselling I am allowed.
Oh I'm sorry, is there a support group you could go to that is free?
Not really... I was given counselling for free from the NHS but the rest is like 6 sessions and you are gone. Thing is I've dealt with my rape and the rest are my issues.
I would suggest talking to people that have been through similar experiences as you, that might help
There's this whole debate on whether a sexually assaulted victim is a virgin or not.
Firstly, I'd like to comment that a lot of you say you don't care if the author is a virgin or not, yet still argue that she isn't? Virginity and that whole idea is up to the person to decide.
If you decide that oral sex (fellatio, or penis to mouth) is part of sex, and therefore taking away your virginity, then that's how it is. On another note, if you believe that being fingered (to put it plainly) is penetration and sex, then that is your idea of virginity. It's a social idea, and that idea has many definitions.
It's only right that Butterfly is allowed her decision on her virginity, and if rape is excluded from that, then that is her decision.
You sounds so strong and amazing. I'd love to talk to you about it some time (not in relation to you but about someone I know) if that could be possible.
Sure, you can message me, and thank you
"You were so young, are you sure it wasn't a dream?"
"It's over though, why does it still bother you?"
"Well you dressed like a slut, what do you expect?"
These were the ones I REALLY hated, and it hurts me to read this entire thing.
The first I copied sort of fits into the question of why victims don't tell anyone. It's becuase people doubt or disbelieve that they were actually assaulted. It's even worse when people don't believe you. You got kids even today still trying to convince their own family that another family member assaulted them. Our problem is we don't listen, consider, and investigate. Also another point is that the justice system barely does a thing to at least offer some type of justice to the victim. I read a case where a girl was raped and she tried to tell the police. They didn't do anything and she killed herself.
The second reminds me of my mom. I don't know WHY she chose to tell me and my younger sister two years back, but she was raped at 17 by a person she thought was her friend. She, too, did not say a thing, fearing her father and brothers were going to kill him. I've known my mom for 28 years, and would have NEVER guessed that happened to her. I went mad, cried, and was very depressed. I Wished death and all types of bad stuff on that man. But she said he later apologized to her about it, that he looked very sad when he said it. Well I HOPE he lives with the guilt! I know this may not be your style, as with the way you write, you seem like a nice and caring person. But to me, I'm still trying to get over it. I wish she never told me. I know sometimes she has dreams about it, and that may make her relive some of her past. Heck, even I sometimes have assault dreams and it feels real an terrifying. You don't ever get over it.
The third one makes me feel like people think they are entitled to people's bodies. We need to remind ourselves (which we shouldn't have to) that people own their own bodies. There is nothing written on the body, nor are there tags that say "Touch me". It's NOT your body, simple as that. A woman or man can walk naked down the street, which still does not mean you're invited to do anything you please to that person's body. Again, IT'S. NOT. YOUR. BODY.
I think people who have said some of these excuses have either sexually assaulted someone and is just making excuses for themselves, or they're just extremely close-minded and will never understand unless somebody they care about is assaulted.
I'm so sorry that happend to your mother, it's horrible when someone who love is hurt and you can't do anything about it. And if you're saying it's not my style to wish bad thing upon perpetrators, it is my style. A lot of the time people dont get justice, I didn't, and its even easier to wish bad things upon them when you dont get justice
Sometimes I regret not telling anyone, but there's seriously so much shit happening in my life right now, I don't want to deal with all of the added stress. There's really nothing that could be done at this point anyway.
I would never say those things to anyone. That's just flat out ignorant as fuck. I hate rapists and I think they deserve the death penalty for the damage they did to their victims.
most of them get raped repeated long in prison. better than a death penalty in my opinion.
@orphan agreed