Sexual Relationships
+1 y

50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have "Rape Fantasies"

(Disclaimer: I've opted for gender-neutral language throughout this take, since men, women, and nonbinary individuals can all be survivors of rape. Feel free to share your opinions, but please be respectful and keep any victim-blaming or hate speech out of the comments. Thanks!)

I'm writing this in response to a myTake I read earlier about "why women fantasize about rape" or something like that. And all I have to say is:

50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have


I've never understood this mindset. No wo/man of sound mind fantasizes about being raped. And, if you do, then you have more problems than anyone on this site can help you with and should seek professional help immediately.

50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have "Rape Fantasies"


"But rape fantasies put consent in the hands of the woman!"

Uh, no. Just the word rape implies that whatever you're doing is not consensual~ how can you possibly get off to that, especially when you probably know someone who has been raped or assaulted?

According to RAINN.org, 1 in 6 American women will be the victim of completed or attempted rape in her lifetime. In addition, one person in the US is raped or assaulted every 98 seconds; if you still have your so-called "fantasies" after that, then...

50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have "Rape Fantasies"


People who have these so-called "rape fantasies" are actually fantasizing about being dominated, an activity that is consensual and may involve the use of a safe word.

For those who are unsure, I've included this super-handy guide to both:

50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have "Rape Fantasies"

Problem is, too many people have been reading/watching this tripe and think it's "romantic".

50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have "Rape Fantasies"

I'm convinced that this book is at least partly responsible for the rise in people with "rape fantasies". Unfortunately, it's not an accurate depiction of BDSM. It's abuse. And, let's face it, if Christian Grey was just an average dude instead of (what society considers to be) a hot billionaire, more people would see this shite for what it is.

I was sexually assaulted by a (now-ex, thankfully) partner in my early 20s and told no one; naturally, I've never seen the films or bought the books, nor would I ever date or sleep with someone who tried to romanticize that experience.

Actual rape is not romantic: it's violence. It's guilt and anxiety, fear that you'll be hurt worse if you don't give the perpetrator what s/he wants, and trauma that will last a lifetime. And, if you can get off to any of that, I've already told you where I stand.


50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have "Rape Fantasies"

Exactly what's on the tin.

13 14

Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes! Thank you thank you thank you.
    I really, really wanted to respond to that take.
    You cannot want rape, it goes against it's definition and goes against logic.
    Saying you have "rape fantasies", I think at least partially subtly implants the idea that some victims "want" or even "deserved" to be raped. It trivializes what they go through. "Oh you were raped? I fantasized about that last night!" Like really? it's so inappropriate and such an oxymoronic juxtaposition.

    I've never seen 50 shades, but it doesn't sound too appealing from the various parts I hear.

Most Helpful Guy

  • "And, let's face it, if Christian Grey was just an average dude instead of (what society considers to be) a hot billionaire, more people would see this shite for what it is."

    Exactly my thoughts. It's the key reason why it is so popular to begin with.
    If Christian Grey was living in a trailer, then he would be a creeper. Some women really need to smarten up and judge less._.

    • If he was living in a trailer, it might have become an Criminal Mind episode

    • Erotica and porn isn't supposed to be realistic. Plenty of men watch schoolgirls and these fake casting stuff. It's just fantasy and taboo.

    • @Leandri and I would have been more into that.

    • Show All

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

14 25

  • As a guy, I cannot understand why another guy would want to exhibit this type of 50 shades behavior toward the one he should love and protect the most. I know some people have these fantasies but I do not see any love on display here at all. In my opinion, there should always be a love component when being sexual. Its sort of difficult to display or receive love when torture, submission, violence, and pain are used. If both people love each other, the comfort, safety, and pleasure of the other would always be the top priority.

  • I don't know if I'd call it a rape fantasy, but sometimes role-playing like I'm being forced can be hot.

  • Yeah I think it's a terminology issue. We say "rape" way too loosely, to the point where someone, that has actually gone through the ordeal, is less believed or sympathized. Also, a lot of false claims have been made, of being rapped, which puts more detriment to the overall problem. So putting a really horrible, traumatic subject of "rape" with a subject that gives a view of desire or deeper need as with the term "fantasy" together, really has become destructive.

    • i absolutely agree with you. by combining the term 'rape' (an act of violence and a crime) on the same playing field as 'fantasy' (something a person idealizes), we've created a society of victim-blaming asshats. because saying "oh, s/he probably fantasized about it" somehow absolves the rapist of any responsibility for his or her actions. ugh.

    • Also belittles the victim in every way. They might as well be an accomplice. Just as bad as turning away or encouraging the shit. Well, I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I hope some day that your deeper wounds will be more easier to cope with.

  • I'm sorry to hear about your sexual assault. Sending hugs. When I first heard about rape fantasies, WTF? was my reaction in a word. On this site, people ripped me apart defending it. I didn't want to go further, so I said, "yep you're totally right. Just a fantasy." None of those idiots replied with a, "that's okay. Glad you understand." But whatever. Didn't want to talk to them anyways. Rape is a disgusting and vile crime, and perpetrators should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Victims fight everyday to be taken seriously. The fact that people fantasize about it, is disgusting. Glad to see other people agree.

  • Thanks for the awesome MyTake and I'm so sorry to read that you were sexually assaulted! 💔💔💔

    I just wish people would understand that the term rape fantasy contradicts itself. It should remain as an informal term and not taken as seriously as other informal terms because it isn't funny. Nobody ever fantasize rape. Yes the fantasy could be close to rape but not rape itself. It is so sad to see people blame victim because women fantasize rape. Ugh. -.-

    • you hit the nail on the head. it completely defies logic, and that's why that other take bothered me so much. no wonder most actual rapists are given a slap on the wrist and sent home.

    • Thank you! Another disturbing thing is when the rape case has to be brought to the court and there is actually a lawyer in support of the rapist who keeps blaming the victim. Rape cases should not even have such things in the first place. -.-

  • You seem to confuse fantasy and reality. Anything is possible in a fantasy. It's a dream. It doesn't reflect what you actually do or even want in reality.

    For example, I dream about being Batman. That doesn't mean I will dress up as a flying rat and jump from buildings.

    Rape fantasies has been around for a while. I remember reading somewhere that 37% of women have those fantasies. However, since I don't want to dress up as a flying rat, so these women wouldn't want to be rape either.

    I also dream about zombie apocalypse, magic fireball, time travelling, giant robots, space alien evasion and probably being a martial arts master.

    • I disagree. Fantasizing about something means you want it to happen in reality. You fantasize about being Batman but you can't actually fly, so you don't do it. It's not because you don't want to fly. Don't veer discussions like this off course because you feel like mansplaining.

    • @raspberry0416 Because I play shooter games and world conquest doesn't mean I will hunt people down and kill them. with guns. Because I watch horror movies does not mean I am a psycho who loves blood and gore. Get real. Because it's your imagination does not mean you want it to happen.

  • The key word there is "fantasies", yes a lot of women do have rape fantasies. It's among the top 10 fantasies women have if I remember correctly, you can call it just a "domination fantasy" but that's not exactly accurate.

    The mistake you are making is comparing actual rape to a rape fantasy. Kind of like if a girl has some sort of "daddy" fetish that doesn't mean she would actually want to fuck her dad, she just enjoys a specific type of fantasy simulation of the situation. (Although I won't argue that in both situations therapy probably couldn't hurt)

    I mean you would have a point if all these girls wanted was to be dominated but I've talked to girls who went into really deep details about what they wanted to happen and "rape fantasy" is by far the most accurate description.

  • I totally agree with this. It's a poor choice of words.
    the so called rape fantasies really pales to what the real survivors have gone through.

    • It sends a dangerous message to those tools who misunderstands the word bdsm with the aforementioned rape fantasy and think date rape is ok. First pretend to be a nice guy then rape her when she can't get out of his sight.

  • I think some of this is terminology. And some is misreading a poorly written bit of fan fiction.

    Some people enjoy consensual dominant sex with roleplayed humiliation and some real s&m.

    The fantasy is that it's non consensual. The fantasy is that there isn't a safe word. The fantasy in the moment is that it's real.

    Of course for the vast majority of people they don't actually want the real thing. They couldn't do it or would actually feel awful. But the idea ofnit arouses them. So they play it out as a fantasy.

    50 shades isn't how to have a D/s relationship. It's the -fantasy- A D/s relationship has to be a mix of real and fantasy.

    Once you recognize that you can easily see 50 shades as a fantasy for people to get off on.

  • Finally someone clarified this. Lol
    Good take! 👍👍👍

  • I cannot really take your opinion on fifty

    • Shades of grey seriously if you admit to not viewing it*

  • Women, and their "rape fantasies" were around long before 50 Shades was a twinkle in the author's eye. So blaming it on any rise in women having such is wrong.
    Rape fantasies allow women to get as dirty, as debauched, as they want, in their own mind, without feeling any associated guilt. It was rape and they are not at any fault at all.
    It's a totally misunderstood thing. It never means that those who indulge in rape fantasies ever want it to ever happen to them in real life.

    • For the woman who down voted me, please be kind enough to explain your reasons.

    • I didn't down vote you, but I think your view on women's sexuality is antiquated for women in my generation. A lot of us are free with our sexuality and don't feel like we will be punished for expressing it, therefore we don't need someone else to take that responsibility away from us.

    • @raspberry0416 Wouldn't agree with you. No one, well very few, women would seek to be raped. And the reality of rape is far from the fantasy. I stand by what i said about the reasons for Rape Fantasys some women enjoy. Read Nancy Friday's books on women's sexual fantasies. It may change your opinion.

  • I don't understand why people call those fantasies "rape fantasies." I don't understand why people have to be so fucking stupid. It's not rape if you're the one thinking about it...

  • My wife loves 50 Shades, so I thought I'd watch it with her last night (never watched it before). She fell asleep last night before I did, and as I watched her asleep, I prayed that her fascination with the movie was a morbid curiosity, as opposed to actually wanting that, because I couldn't bring myself to do that to her.

  • Great myTake!

  • u right... but one spoiler: BDSM is a PC way to address "rape fantasy/abusive sex" the same way Egalitarianism is a PC way to address Feminism

    • You don't sound like you know what BDSM is.

    • @HungLikeAHorsefly BDSM is for perverted people

    • Can't argue with that. You still haven't demonstrated you know what BDSM is, though.

  • I don't like the movie either, but it doesn't give you the right to tell everyone it's horrible because it reminds certain people of their abusive past.

  • I'm sorry to he hear you were sexually assaulted

    • i appreciate that, thank you.

  • What part of "fantasy" don't you understand? It DOESN'T necessarily mean that they even want to act it out in role playing situation. Fantasy is in the mind.

    • fantasy=ideation or idealization rape= a non-consensual act of violence, also a crime no one of sound mind fantasizes about being violated. or being the victim of a crime. if that's the case, then why don't we make all crimes into fantasies? i mean, murder isn't wrong if it's only in your mind, right? that's exactly how you sound. can't you hear yourself?

    • A LOT of people, probably most people, have fantasized about murdering their boss/teacher/spouse/the guy who cut them off on the freeway. If some women fantasize about a powerful stranger forcing himself on them, that doesn't mean something is wrong with them. Mentally healthy people are able to distinguish reality, and things that have no bearing on reality.

    • most people? maybe you have fantasized about murdering your boss or someone who cut you off on the highway (which isn't even that serious, like really?) but I doubt most people are secretly wanting to murder others. I hope you dont think like this because if you do, you need some help man

    • Show All

  • "According to RAINN. org, 1 in 6 American women will be the victim of completed or attempted rape in her lifetime."

    RAINN is NOT a viable source of information.

    • according to who, exactly?

    • its not a viable source of information in fact, rape is such a controversial topic and there are so many false stats and variables that have been floating around the net thanks to people who twist and lie about things.

  • Show More (19)
Home >  Sexual Relationships  > 50 Shades of WTF: No, You Don't Have "Rape Fantasies"