Am I wrong for refusing to have sex with my wife after she essentially forced me to live in a dead bedroom for the last 5 years?

Question

So, here is the story. We have been married 8 years, I am 38 she is 36. We have no kids. For the first three years of our marriage I would ask for sex about 10 times per month. I would get rejected 8 or 9 of those times with random bullshit excuses. It got so bad that I finally broke 5 years ago, and decided I was done with sex. I got antidepressants, which killed my sex drive, which in this case helped. And I just stopped asking for sex. Last weekend was our anniversary weekend, I made it a point to focus on us, I planned activities, I cooked, I did everything I could to make it as special as possible. It was fun. Sunday night my wife asked me if I wanted to have some intimate time. I told her no. She got pissed off and asked me why. I flat out told her that I was done with sex, and that I was done with being rejected and feeling like she doesn't want me. She hasn't spoken to me since.

Things to note, we do not have kids, and we both work similar schedules though my work is very different from hers. Prior to marriage we were having sex daily almost. The moment she had a ring on her finger it stopped. And I'm one of those guys that believed "never stop dating your wife" and to always put her pleasure above mine.

Am I wrong for refusing? She's making me feel like I'm the villain here.

b_lova · Accepted Answer

No you are not wrong. You decided to match her energy in hopes to save your marriage. I commend you for that. Sadly you had to killed off an important part of yourself to do that. Which if your wife is paying attention, I hope she realizes it's love. Hopefully this has proven to her that you are not the sex craven person you accused her of.

That being said, I feel like it's time for the both of you to come to the table and have another intimate talk about sex in your relationship. Maybe she is now in a place where she can better understand your previous position on it and will listen without turning your thoughts and feelings into something they are not. And if she is willing to do that maybe you can move forward together, because right now there is a wall between you two. A wall I'm sadly very familiar with. To me, moving forward requires that you compromise with your, "I'm done with sex" inner vow. But only do that if she is willing to compromise and recognize that she needs to match your libido as you did for her.

At it's core the hardest part of a healthy marriage is learning to compromise to meet each other's needs. But that's the only way for both of you to find happiness together.

Finally I would like to congratulate you for finding a way to sustain your marriage. I was married 21 years and 11 of it was a living hell for me due to sexual incompatibility and the toxic relationship that formed from my initial failures as a husband early in our marriage. While I learned from those mistakes, yes I cheated, but then I was told I was forgiven and turned away, yet I was placed in a mental jail by her for 18 years before I let myself out. Some may say jail was warranted for my actions but I disagree on the ground that I was told I was forgiven. I won't use the excuse that I was young at the time, but I will say I was stupid. My wife didn't reject me physically, but made me feel like a monster for having a higher libido than hers for the rest of our marriage. It took me 20 years to realize how toxic we were to each other and while I will always love her I can no longer be in her presence. So I pray/hope you increase intimacy with your wife and neither of you let this hiccup continue to define your relationship.

Forgiveness means that we let the past go so our present can be on mutual ground and understanding.

WhiteBoyChill · Accepted Answer

Honestly you got nothing to worry about, other than the fact you’re still with her @krakenattackin

NamerOfStars · Answer

Insofar as it seems like she was trying to  fix things , yeah, you kind of are. She is, too- you withdraw sex unilaterally and keep it that way, you're not in a position to claim the high ground- but if you're objecting to her doing so and she reaches out, and you respond by slapping her away? Yeah, that's a sign that both of you have problems here.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Why are you two still married?

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Both wrong.  this should not have lasted till now…make a quick decision. And move on from the lock of love and respect.

HighValue · Answer

End the relationship. She is very messed up and doesn't care about you. You are still at an age where you can find a good partner. She is too old to ever find a good quality long term partner now, but that is her own fault.

JacobJordan · Answer

She got what she wanted. That being said you 2 should have a sit down. And a heart to heart. She needs to realize that men don't "always think about sex" but all men do want to be intimate with their partner that is how we bond.

The_Sexpert · Answer

No not wrong, only mistake you did was to let things go this way for 5 years

ProbablyClueless · Answer

I don't think you're wrong at all.

BIZARRE_TRUTH · Answer

communicate your thoughts clearly to her

DrPepper12 · Answer

This convo is about 8 years too late tbh. I can totally relate to the constant rejection as well as the libido killing antidepressants. That said, I'm still having difficulties trying to have that conversation because I can't talk to myself. I feel this.

DextroShade · Answer

Your wife sounds like a terrible person. I would have gotten rid of her within a year of the dead bedroom.

jahaims · Answer

You both shouldn't even be married. Sounds like a miserable life.

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Yeah. She was probably wrong too in the past, but you proved something instructive, you put in the time and it made her want to have sex. Some couples are lucky to have a free use relationship where they can just look at their partner and say, ‘let’s fuck’ and the answer is practically always, ‘sure’ whether or not their partner is in the mood. But for most people, especially girls, you have to put in the work to build that level of comfort and intimacy for the pants to come off.