Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Being Bisexual in a Queer-phobic, Conservative Country: Fear, Shame and Agony

Being Bisexual in a Queer-phobic, Conservative Country: Fear, Shame and Agony

I am not going to reveal where I am from. All I can tell you is my country is deeply conservative when it comes to women's rights, gender roles, sex and things like that. This is a story of my struggle of living in such society as a bisexual woman.

Beginnings

I started feeling that I am different than girls around me when I was 14. I had found my elder brother's collection of men's magazines which he hid from my parents. It had naked women. They were incredibly beautiful. I compared myself to them. I was butt-ugly in front of them. They had big breasts. Mine were smaller. They were completely smooth, hairless. I had small amount of hair almost everywhere. They had even skin tone. Mine was darker in some places. I could look at those women for hours and never get tired.

My female friends, on other hand would rarely look into such magazines. At 15, I was curious about sex. Like most teens. There was no sex ed in my country. But I had internet. I watched porn with vengeance. I watched almost all categories out there. Including lesbian porn. I liked it all. Most arousing thing for me was oral sex.

First Taste of Romance

A guy who was member of library I used to go to, asked me out. I was 17 at that time. He was cute and loved same books as me. That was enough to start going out with him. Of course, our respective parents didn't know about it. We used to talk about books, music. When weren't talking , we used to make out. We had to be very careful when we made out. Fear of getting caught spiced things up for us ;). Every makeout session was an adrenaline rushing adventure!

I didn't have sex with him though. But it seemed perfect. Probably because I didn't know anything better.

I still used to watch porn secretly. I used to watch lesbian porn more.

Being Bisexual in a Queer-phobic, Conservative Country: Fear, Shame and Agony

Realization

We broke up. I don't want to get into details. We were together for good 7 months.

I started watching porn more frequently. I had really uncontrollable urge to watch lesbian porn. What was happening to me? It felt weird. I tried to watch 'normal' porn more. I used to get same arousal by watching normal porn as well as lesbian porn. I indirectly asked my female friends about it. None of them had affinity to lesbian porn, as much as me.

I was baffled. I was clueless. There were days I stopped watching porn completely. But then I used to go back to it.

When She Walked into My Life...

She was living in apartment across hall and was in Art's school. She was my age. We be became good friends. I started spending quite a time in her apartment. My parents often invited her over for lunch or dinner.

She was beautiful in an unconventional way. Olive skin. Big brown eyes. Short curly hair. Long and slender fingers.

As she was in Art's school, she needed model to practice on. I volunteered to become model for her.

One day, she was making a sketch of me. I was just sitting in chair and reading. She suddenly said 'gosh, you are beautiful'. I looked up and was like 'OK?'.

'Do you think I am lying?'

'I don't know. But why you said that suddenly'.

She came closer and said

'Because I felt like saying it. Your waist length black hair, your eyes. It's simply beautiful'

We kept looking at each other. Her face was really close to mine.

I don't know who initiated it, but we kissed. On one hand I wanted it to stop but on the other hand, it was feeling so good! It was same as kissing my ex.

We did many other things, except sex, after that.

When I came home, I sat in shower. Trying to make sense of what had just happened. I was ashamed of myself. My body. Because society I was living in said that people who do things I did are despicable. I was despicable.

I decided to avoid her and break all ties with her. I couldn't. I went back to her. We had sex and it was surreal. It was beyond words. We lay in tight embrace for long time.

I fell in love with her. Head over heels. I almost started living in her apartment, I used to go home only for sleeping. My parents didn't suspect anything. They just thought we were 'very good friends'. I loved everything about her. The way she made my nudes, the way she listened to me talking-with her chin on her palms, the way she used to make tea.. everything. We spent time reading books together, we went to nightclubs which used to close down before 2 PM (that's how it is in my country). We danced together. She wasn't good at it. I used to dance alone as she looked at me from bar stool while sipping her mojito. I can never forget look of admiration in her eyes.

Being Bisexual in a Queer-phobic, Conservative Country: Fear, Shame and Agony

All beautiful things come with an expiration date...

She went to Paris for further education. Our relationship just fell apart with distance. I was left alone in this country, to deal with reality. I was Bisexual. I liked girls as much as guys. Girls are supposed to like guys only. According to my country's law, I was illegal. I was a criminal.

What about my parents? How was I supposed to tell this to them?

I was afraid. I was in pain. I lost my appetite. As a result I lost 20 pounds. I weighed almost 100 lb beofre by the way. I started looking sick. I hate to admit this, but I cut myself once. One day, I fainted in college. I was admitted to hospital. Doctors said that I was under stress. My parents probed around but I refused to say anything.

Joining LGBTQ Association

I embraced my sexual orientation. I decided to join pride parades. I made sure that I wore masks, so as to keep my identity secret. I met so many people like me. They were facing similar issues. Some had it worse. A gay guy had slipped into depression and had attempted suicide twice. A Lesbian woman whose parents beat her up mercilessly and married her off to a guy. So many such stories.

Some people were married to straight men/women. We fought for change in law.

I felt like I belonged somewhere. People who accepted me as I was. I felt positive. I went on date with few women. It didn't work out though.

I started gaining weight. I became healthier.

However, later on differences crept in. There were many homosexuals in this association that believed that bisexuals are just 'people on fence'. It became difficult to deal with them.

Long story short, I started working lesser and lesser with them. But I can't forget the difference it made in my life.

To Come Out or Not to Come Out?

Being Bisexual in a Queer-phobic, Conservative Country: Fear, Shame and Agony

I am 20 years old now. Just 4-5 years more and my parents will start searching groom for me. As I am attracted to men equally, it will not make any difference to me. I can get married to guy of my and their choice.

But.. I can't hide anything from my partner. It is just against my principles. But then, no guy would want his wife to be bisexual.

My parents would be scandalized. Their reaction is not going to be pleasant.

I am caught between my principles and harsh reality of my country. I am confused. It is like choosing between devil and deep sea.

Should I just keep it secret and lead a 'normal' life? Or I should come out to my parents and my brother?

That's a question.

7 2

Most Helpful Guy

  • Bisexuality and homosexuality are a mental illness. They always have been, and up until just a decade or so ago no one thought about the possibility of the contrary. Even Bill and Hillary Clinton said they believed in one man one woman marriage back when he was president. Only recently did liberals and the media start pushing to normalize such behavior.

    It’s nothing to be ashamed of as long as you recognize it and deal with it. We all have mental illnesses to some degree. Addiction to food, drugs, alcohol, caffeine, narcissism, body image, passive aggressive behavior, rage, procrastination, self-confidence. All of those and more are mental illness of some form and I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have at least one.

    I personally would never date a woman who was open and active in her bisexuality, but I wouldn’t have any problem dating a woman chooses not to participate in the lifestyle even if she had the urge to do so. If you’re in a relationship with a guy and for some reason the conversation comes up simply tell him that you sometimes are sexually attracted to females, but you choose not to act on it. We all have urges we choose not to act on, so conversation over. No need to talk about it more if you don’t want to.

    I’m not going to try and change your mind about what choice you’re going to make, but if you listen to one thing anyone says on here says listen to this: You are defined by the choices you make in the future, not by experiences you’ve had in the past. Think about it. How silly would it be if I said I was a mechanic even though I’ve never worked on a car in my life except for this one time when I was twelve and I helped my dad fix his is car? Likewise, it’s silly to consider yourself bisexual just because you had a relationship with a woman in the past. Don’t believe the lies the gay agenda wants you to believe that you are gay or bi and that you can never change. I mean I guess if you want to keep having relationships with women then yeah that does make you bi, but if don’t want to then stop and you aren’t bi anymore, just like I’m not a mechanic even though I did help my dad fix a car once when I was 12. You can be whoever you want to be, and of course, like all of us you have to live with the consequences of who you decide to be.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Saw this, and just want to show support -- I'm sorry you're living in a country that oppresses people based on their sex and sexual orientation. People can be so narrow-minded, ignorant, and bigoted about things they don't understand. It's a real shame that you've had to struggle and deal with such negative experiences, but I'm glad there were good moments too. Your ex sounds like a lovely girl.

    Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope whichever choice you make, you can still lead a peaceful, happy life. Maybe you can even immigrate one day into a more free, accepting society, or better yet your home country might have a change of heart and mind.

    I admire you for embracing who you are despite difficult circumstances, and fighting against unjust laws. Stay safe, and all the best.

    • Thanks a lot for your support As you can see many replies here weren't that positive. It just makes little sad. I am considering moving somewhere else. But even if I escape my society, I can never escape my parents. I am afraid of their reaction.

    • You're very welcome. Yes, I did notice, and was very surprised and disappointed by the negativity and insensitivity of some of the replies. Some people commenting didn't even seem to take the time to read what you wrote! I actually rarely read and reply to myTakes, but I came across yours and had to say something. Don't let all this get you down - stay positive. Yes, I can understand how difficult it can be when it comes to unaccepting parents. You should do what you feel is best for you, but I would hope that your parents can be understanding or at the very least tolerant. It might be easier to let them know from the safety of another country, though. I don't know how against it they are, and would never advise you to put yourself in danger or risk losing financial support you need from them.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

12 20

  • Yeah, I guess I can understand the difficulty, but it's not nearly as difficult as being completely gay in a country that despises gay people. You can always choose to just go for the dude instead of the girl, but gay people can't make that choice and stay happy. :(

  • Sounds more like you just hate truth and tradition, and feel "oppressed" because you can't totally displace it. It's always there, refusing to be silence completely.

  • I think the lgbt community is it's own worst enemy. The way they go about things turns people away. There has been lots of bigotry towards gays in the past and it continues but I'm starting to think the tide has turned and there's more bigotry on the side on the lgbt community or at least as much. I don't care what anyone does in their bedroom, it's none of my business and I don't want it to be but the way I view gay "marriage" is simple and I think it's the best way to handle it. First, it should be up to each state to decide for its self whether they recognize gay marriage or not. There's a reason there is states rights, so everyone can be happy. If your state disagrees with you, you can move to another. Second, each individual and or organization can decide for themselves whether they personally recognize gay marriage or not. I view marriage as a spiritual thing between a man and woman made by God. Since I believe homosexuality is a sin, two people of the same gender cannot be married, it's impossible. You can see it as and call it marriage and I see it as a civil union or something similar. Everyone is happy.

  • I think I can guess where you are from. It is so sad that still people are treated bad for who they are. You must have freedom to love whoever you want.
    Glad that you are fine now. Don't let anything affect yourself.
    Have you considered moving to some tolerant part of the world?
    All the best and lots of love
    :)

    • Well I have. But not now, maybe later. There are so mant practical difficulties in that. Thanks for the support

  • Well, I've recently come out as bi to my best friend. And as I have many friends that are bi and gay, my parents don't exactly accept all of it. I understand what you're going through, just at a smaller level. I have suppressed down all my feelings of girls...(at least I've tried), and it's one of the hardest things I've ever done/tried to do. I like girls and I just have to deal with the fact that not everybody will accept it. But I do know that no matter what, my parents will always love me, even if I'm not the perfect image of their daughter that they want me to be. And I know that your parents love u no matter what. Be who u are and embrace it, one day I am going to come out to my parents, it may be when I'm a bit older, but that's okay. One day, you'll be able to comfortably come out of the closet to your parents and they will love you. Just be confident with yourself and hold your head up high, you'll get through it.

  • If you're from the West (which I imagine you are) then you are not oppressed in any way shape or form -- especially if you are a white female. Everyone wants to be a victim I guess... and bi-sexuality doesn't exist. You're either gay or straight. Stop pretending like you're special or different. Visit a Muslim country and come back again telling us how much of a victim you are. Those ladies REALLY got it bad. But feminists have nothing to say about that.

    • I don't live in West. I live somewhere in Asia. If you read it carefully you'll see that " my country is deeply conservative when it comes to women's rights, gender roles, sex and things like that" I don't think West is like that.

    • I am not a white female either, obviously

    • Okay. I'm used to Westerners complaining about not having rights and your English was better than most Americans, so I just assumed. Fight for your rights but I do believe bisexuality is a phase. You're either gay or straight.

    • Show All

  • I think myself as a straight woman, but some of my friends are bisexual or gay. I also live in homophobic and conservative country too. Sometimes I feel angry because of people who are so ignorant and they hurt me and my friends with their own tongues.
    Actually, to come out to your parents is not a good idea in conservative countries like yours our mine. In many cases, your parent can be your biggest enemy. Maybe they will try to 'fix' you from 'abnormal sexuality'. I've seen so many parents who try to take their child to a psychiatrist.
    Siblings are usually different from parents. I recommend you to checkout whether your brother is homophobic or not, and if he isn't, coming out to your brother can be a good choice. He can be your best supporter and may defend you.

  • I would say no, don't say anything. They wouldn't understand. It helps that you're bisexual so you can be attracted to men & may fall in love with one. You'll know his mentality once you get to know him then you can decide whether to tell him or not.

  • Thank you for sharing! I'm pansexual and firmly in the closet, but I love hearing people's stories.

    • Pansexual? You like satyrs?

    • @zagor Who doesn't? In this case, "pan" means all. I prefer the term "omnisexual," but no one seems to understand what that means.

    • So you'll do anyone? Last time I checked there were only two genders, though a multitude of "identities".

    • Show All

  • Lol well as @skeptic007 every time a country, nation, kingdom or culture embraces this kind of stuff it's destroyed, and there is a reason for that.

    • Well I have read your answers before and I thought you were a sensible person. :(

    • I am sensible but what he and I stated is actual history, and has happened a startlingly amount of times to be a coincidence and there is a reason for that. Now I do not agree with or support bisexuality, homosexuality or transgenderism, but that does not mean that I want anything bad to happen to you or others like you and that I don't at least respect the courage it takes for homosexuals and bisexuals to come out, and for that you have my respect in that regard. It's just something that I can not agree with or support.

    • ... And every time it didn't it's destroyed. Cultures and kingdoms has fallen for various reasons. None of them is homo- or bi-sexuality.

    • Show All

  • First of all, nobody is afraid of queers. We just don't give a fuck who puts what where or how they do it, we should not have to, and we should not legislate for sexual deviancy.

    When sexual freedom is heightened other freedoms are being taken away, it's historically a cover for drastic change in societies usually favoring a change of governmental system or a civilization collapse.

    • Looks like you haven't even read the my take properly. If you had, you'd understand what I am saying. I am tired of replying to people like you who are commenting without even reading the whole thing properly.

  • This was very well written and I enjoyed reading this. So interesting. Thanks for sharing!

    • By the way, do you in America or somewhere else?

    • I don't. How I wish I could. "my country is deeply conservative when it comes to women's rights, gender roles, sex and things like that." So obviously it's not USA. I live somewhere in Asia

  • Do you live in Malaysia?
    Thank you for sharing your story it gave me a new perspective on homosexuals and bisexuals.
    Honestly, I'm one of the few guys out there that would really want a bisexual girlfriend. I would like to be in a relationship with 2 bisexual girls and for them to be in a relationship with each other as well.
    The LGBT+ activists in Canada are people I dislike since they're all about pushing their sexual preferences into people's faces.
    People should sleep with whomever they choose so long as both individuals are of legal age and consent to having sex.
    s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/.../...197a8365fd.jpg

    • I don't live in Malaysia :) And what do you mean by pushing their preferences on your face? Can you elaborate? PS- are Pierre Trudeau and Justin Trudeau related? Just wondering.

    • My second guess is Indonesia then. The radical LGBTs here see their sexuality not as just something they do in the bedroom but as their entire identity. This is why I oppose gay pride parades. It is all about pushing a "gay culture" rather than simply living life and sleeping with whomever they choose. They call it being "openly gay" as if homosexuality is something that should be put on display. Pierre Trudeau is Justin Trudeau's father. He is one of my favourite Prime Ministers because he made Canada what it is today even though he racked up a lot of debt in the process.

    • OK I see your point. Well no Indonesia either Why you are talking about only East or Southeast Asia? Asia is a really big continent you know ;) About Pierre Trudeau: interesting. I liked his quote by the way.

    • Show All

  • Your country sucks.

  • just read the title but I dont see what the problem is.. If your BI then find a guy.. problem solved..

    I could understand if you where a lesbian but if you are sexually attracted to guys then.. go date a guy

    • I think you should read last part then. 'to come out or not to come out '. Yes I can find a guy, but I would wrong him if I don't tell him that I am bi. As I said previously, mine is a conservative country where alternative sexuality is hated. So no guy would accept that. I am confused really

    • if you fall in love with a guy then why do you need to tell him who you find attractive before you meet him? do you think that he is going to tell you every girl he has found attractive in his life? Find a guy fall in love and live your life..

  • Get real. Nobody cares who you screw behind closed doors. The problem comes when you shove your private lives in other people's faces.

    • How I wish I could show you cases of blackmail and extortion in my country due to the fact that it is illegal. I'll tell you about the case I came across when I was working with association. A gay guy whose roommate captured his private moments with his partner. The roommate threatened him that he will show the video to police. Police would have arrested him and his partner and they would be jailed for no less than 10 years or something worse than that.

    • I don't know where you live, but it's not illegal to be gay in the US, and I don't advocate the legislation of private lives. People should leave each other alone.

    • I don't know why people are thinking that I live in USA or West for that matter. I want to move to USA. You guys have legalized same sex marriage. I live somewhere in Asia. This is a typical Asian society with less rights for women, strict gender roles, uptight attitude about sex (hence the hatred for queer)

    • Show All

  • wait i thought every girl on GaG was bi?

  • stop pretending to be someone your not if your country doesn't respect you then its a shit country you should leave it

    • Well there are many practical difficulties in that

    • Not everyone has that option.

  • Fascinating.

    • Why?

    • Because it's something I've never thought of that I personally will never endure. It gives a view I cannot have.

  • I respect people that are gay, lesbian, and bi-seuxals. I would date a girl that I like even if she was bi. I disgree with conservatives. They have too much hate in them.

    • Thanks for kind words. Alternative sexuality is perceived to be disgusting where I live I am considering moving out of country. But I can't escape my parents. It's really tough :/

    • No problem my friend. It's very disturbing that people will hate someone, because they're different

  • Show More (12)
Home >  Sexual Relationships  > Being Bisexual in a Queer-phobic, Conservative Country: Fear, Shame and Agony