Best way to loose your virginity?

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of conflicted about this and I could use some advice. I'm almost 20 and have never had sex or a boyfriend before. I'm not feeling pressured or anything, but I do want to have a plan for how i want to approach eventually losing my virginity whenever that happens. I guess what I'm afraid of is regret.

Like: Either I lose my virginity to a one-night stand/casual thing and later when I've found my person, I regret not waiting for him.

Or: I wait for my person, and afterward feel regret that I've kind of locked myself down and won't be able to have more experiences. I don't know if I'm naturally kind of withdrawn not really out there, or if I'm opened up sexually I'll suddenly find out I'm a lot more of a sensual person who wants to have experiences.

Could use some advice, and some people to talk this through with who've maybe had this conflict before too. Also, I respect all people's choices, but I don't want to be just told to wait until marriage if you're religious because no matter what I do, I'm not into that. I also won't be responding to toxic stuff about girls losing value without their virginity.

My problem is that I don't know what kind of person I am. Some people know off the bat that they don't really care about having more than one partner. Some people know they want to have a few before finding their one. So the reason I'm conflicted is because i recognize both sides of that in me and i don't want to get it wrong. Regret is one of the worst feelings in the world.

[WhiteSteve]

I’d kind of split this one down the middle.

On the one hand…. don’t overhype sex as more than what it is. Don’t over-romanticize it. My first experience was with a girlfriend, and it was nice, and we loved and trusted each other, so there’s something to be said for that. I wouldn’t necessarily throw it to first person who’s interested (especially as a woman, think of the male suitors that might end up being😂).

But I also think the whole “I need to save myself for this one person and one person only” thing is foolish. I think at the time, my ex-girlfriend and I were dumb teenagers, thinking everything is permanent, when we’re in the most fleeting period of our lives. But spoiler alert: by the time we were 20, 21, we had evolved into different people, and we just weren’t right for each other anymore. So you can’t play anything in life like it’s forever, sadly. Even if you wait for marriage, look at the divorce rates, lmao. Chances are that won’t last either. I wish I was more optimistic, but that’s what I’m seeing.

So, I mean…. just date people. Maybe play them a little slow so they don’t do the whole “oh my god, I’m SOOOOO into you” and then bail once they smash, haha. But try to find someone respectful who seems like they’re on the up and up. Shoot for a “good” first time, not “storybook.”

Respectfully, there’s just so much about sex you don’t even know until you get into having it regularly. Sexual compatibility is a very real thing. I’ve dated great gals who, after a couple of rounds in the bedroom, it was just clear we weren’t into getting after it the same way without one of us making concessions. I suppose you can overlook that, it depends on how important sex is to you. But why not look for someone who’s a match in all crucial areas? I know it’s cool to say “sex doesn’t matter”, but it kinda does, lmao. If one of you isn’t getting what they’re looking for, they’ll be unhappy and possibly resentful. I’d say it’s better to find someone who you can love and trust and have fun with, but ALSO have pretty explosive sex with.

All that said, I didn’t experience a “throwaway” first time, so I can’t say what effect that carries, if any, and like anything else, it probably depends on your own psyche.

The biggest thing is that it’s safe and comfortable and hopefully fun for you. As long as it’s happening on your own terms that you’re comfortable with, I don’t think it should be a regrettable experience.

I met my girlfriend when I was 27, almost 28. She was 22, almost 23. She dated five guys before me, I dated one seriously, but had my share of flings in my single days. Neither of us were planting any flags in new territory, haha. She had one boyfriend she dated a couple years who she was in hard teenage love with, like I was with my ex.

So we aren’t even “first loves.” But 17 years in, at 45 and 40 years old now, neither one of us cares about any of that. That’s such ancient history, it doesn’t even matter. We didn’t even know each other or even live in the same state, we’re we supposed to wait til happened to meet?

That’s the storybook stuff I’m talking about. Life isn’t a movie, lmao, don’t trip about stuff like that. Only hyper-insecure people get up in arms about “where he’s/she’s been before.” If you hit gold on your first shot when you’re young, bless ya, but that’s just not the way life usually works out, haha.

So…. look to date, date for a relationship as you would (if that’s the goal). Find guys who are serious. We kind of have to have sex before the “New Car Scent” wears off on the other person, haha. It’s quicker to find out sexual compatibility than it is to find out long-term relationship compatibility. One you could find out the first day if you really wanted to, while the other, I wouldn’t feel comfortable even making a call on that in LESS than one year, at EARLIEST.

I feel like you’d do well losing it to a boyfriend of some sort who may or may not pan out for the long haul, but at least is a good enough guy that you could say, we weren’t built to last, but we had a good time. You don’t have to figure it out overnight, but I would maybe say by your 20s you should be starting to explore the world and yourself sexually. You have to know what you like first. Some stuff sounds cool on paper but is less cool in practice. Other stuff, you might not even know you like it til you try it.

Just try to find someone on the up-and-up who is respectful of you. When you feel comfortable, take it to the bedroom, let them know you’re just learning, and just get the hang of things. Maybe after a while you’ll want to explore elsewhere, different guys, maybe you’ll want to stick with the first guy. Play it by ear, and don’t keep score. It’s just sex. It’s really not a huge deal, it’s supposed to be pleasurable, and we all make it so damn difficult by being weird about it, lmao. And most of all, it’s no one’s business but your own, so just take care of your physical and emotional health while you go about it, and other than that, have fun, it’s one of the best parts of living life👍

[Asker]

Thank you, this is the kind of advice I was hoping for. I'm really glad you brought up sexual compatibility because whenever I try to bring it up in conversations people are like ThaT DOesN't ExiST. Basically, see where it goes, don't overthink it, and if it's right, it will feel right?

[WhiteSteve]

You bet, happy I could hopefully help. That’s a pretty good TL;DR of what I’m saying. Compatibility is real as hell, haha. Obviously you can make adjustments and all that to please a partner who’s also willing to please you, maybe go out of your comfort zone a little, but if it’s just a total mismatch, why waste each other’s time? I used to see a girl who wanted me to like choke her out and slap her in the face and whatnot…I could do it, it’s no harm to me, but for me, it’s not enjoyable, I feel weird about it. Some other guy might be like “GIDDY-UP, I’m all about that.” She should be with him, not me. Nothing wrong with her or me or the imaginary other guy, it just is what it is. I don’t know how well-versed you are or aren’t in porn on the internet, but there are a million-and-one categories and niche specialties, a lot of which I think are weird as fuck, lmao, but that’s just me, obviously there’s a market for all of these things. Porn is weird as fuck in general and shouldn’t be used as too much of a barometer for real life sex, I’m just bringing it up to illustrate that there are so many kinks and fetishes out there, there’s a lot to sift through. So much of that doesn’t make it into many real-life bedrooms, but the reason it exists is because somewhere out there, some people are into it. So you don’t know what you’re even going to be into yourself, plus every new partner comes in with their own likes and dislikes. Gotta be prepared to hear some strange asks, potentially😂

[WhiteSteve]

I think most people are pretty straightforward though, you probably need to be fairly intimate before the weird requests come out, haha. I don’t think anyone’s gonna be like “babe, it would be so hot if you wore this clown mask for me” in the early going that you’d be dealing with, I don’t mean to scare you😂😂😂 But yeah, take it at your own pace, trust your gut, properly vet your applicants, and just go with what feels good. And if you get duped somewhere along the way, it’s really not the end of the world. Just be safe, I’m out of the game since the whole dating app thing came about, so I feel like everyone is fucking everyone these days, haha, deffo wanna be ducking STDs out there 🚫

[BarryLiverstone]

You can’t loose virginity

[Asker]

Y'know what I mean though.

[BarryLiverstone]

Think I do. How can I help?

[Asker]

Reading my post, do u have advice?

[BarryLiverstone]

I have lots of advice but I see others have given it and not sure what would be helpful to you. Certainly you can talk to me and I’ll give you honest feedback. Like tell me some emotions or fears you have about it

[Asker]

the big problem is that I feel torn. Part of me really likes the idea of waiting for the right person, whenever and wherever that person comes, and having my first time be meaningful. But I sense another part of me is probably closed-off sensuality. Like I'd enjoy meeting a few good-looking guys, exploring our chemistry, and having a few more experiences, and enjoy having sexual power. I'm afraid of regretting whatever I do. Regretting looking back on my first time as something meaningless and awful/having been used and only the guy getting satisfaction. I'm also worried that because I haven't had much experience, I won't be able to do casual and get emotionally stuck on any guy I like enough to have sex with.

[BarryLiverstone]

I really understand how you feel and you are right that feeling torn is what it’s like. When I was a virgin I also felt many of those fears and emotions. Like how can we gain experience when we have to wait? And how do we learn to communicate sensuality and how we connect with others if we can’t try. I remember feeling frustrated and lost. Yes I also felt closed off and I didn’t like it. Because I had to wait until marriage it was unfair as others my age were maturing and trying. It’s a huge topic and I’m so feeling what you expressed. What wil you do about it?

[Asker]

I'm not sure. I mean it would be ideal if the right moment comes along and I feel it's the right moment. But i don't know how realistic it is.

[BarryLiverstone]

Something I had to learn about sex and intimacy is that it’s not a quick moment like you may see in the movies or read about. Those books will talk about kissing and a few paragraphs later the couple is having full on sex. It can take time. So one thing to think about is sexual escalation. That way it’s not so quick and not the pressure of a perfect moment. Have you tried to escalate with someone and seen how comfortable and safe you feel after each stage?

[Asker]

I actually havn't done anything befre

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok so you are where I was at 17, not even kissed someone. Go ahead and follow me here, we can discuss and I’ll answer your questions. Certainly understand how you are feeling rn

[Asker]

Thanks, it's nice to k I'm not crazy

[BarryLiverstone]

Of course not. Tbh there is a bit of crazy in all of us but how can you know what sex is like when you haven’t ever done anything? It’s like I’ve never gone sky diving so I’d have 100 questions and be curious if I knew next year I would be jumping out of a plane

[Asker]

yeah like I know i'm an overthinker but it's hard not to be when you're old enough to be part of the romantic world and you want to be, but you aren't, and everyone else has all these hugely different opinions on what's right and wrong.

[BarryLiverstone]

You know I learned a few things in my relationships so far… Right and wrong can be blurry in circumstances. Def there are truths and best practices but emotions can muddy the waters Learned that outside voices can add to the toxicity of a relationship who n should mostly be about two people working things out. Girls are overthinkers more than guys. That’s not sexist and in fact it’s powerful as they make less mistakes. Guys can be action oriented and look silly going for it. Girls have to consider pregnancy and safety more

[BarryLiverstone]

But really, you don’t have to wait for the perfect marriage and you don’t have to go and have sex right away. Relationships are each unique and the connection with someone can be so awesome but can be so frustrating.. it’s hard to explain lol

[Asker]

I get it, and i agree. And girls are totally more overthinkers lol. Especially me because I have bad anxiety. Thank you so much for talking to me and giving your opinion. It's hard to find people who'll actually give comprehensive comment on here

[BarryLiverstone]

You are welcome. Are you worried because you have anxiety that after sex a guy will ghost or not want to commit to you?

[Asker]

I have anxiety about literally everything lol. About being used, about making the wrong choice and getting set on something and missing the best thing in front of me, getting whichever choice I make, getting too attached to a guy who only wants casual, everything

[BarryLiverstone]

Ya that’s a lot. And from the perspective of a guy that could be enough to push me away if I didn’t understand it or if I felt like you couldn’t ever change or grow. Luckily as humans we can all mature and all learn new things over time. Can a guy use you? Yes. He could be selfish and could have his own insecurities. Can you grow too attached? Yes. Not only with the emotions but also the body chemicals trick our brains to feel attached after sex. Can you make the wrong choice? Yes. Making choices with incomplete data often leads to mistakes and bad choices. The key is to grow and rebound from these mistakes. Guys want different things at different points in life (just like girls). It’s more likely all these fears will be in play now vs when you are a 35 year old adult.. other things could cause anxiety then. I’m acknowledging all these fears and saying it’s not crazy to have them, but what can help is to know that instead of all the worst outcomes what’s much more likely to happen is you will find someone and kinda try some things that will work and things that wil not. Removing sex from the conversation my advice is to take some time with yourself to understand the source of all your anxiety and to find out what you need ro feel safe and secure. Once you know that you can better communicate those needs to a guy. Trust me.. guys wanna be a protector and hero in your life. If you can tell him how to hold you in his arms so you feel peace and content.. that’s the magic. Bring peace and help into a guys life when he’s got a vision, he will be your ride or die

[BarryLiverstone]

Don’t mean to word vomit to scare you, just responding to what you said and maybe you can take something from it

[Asker]

I'm not scared, it's all rings true to me. I'd probably be less anxious if i could actually get out there and have some experiences, and if i see more decent guys. I know it's my small corner and other people pressing on me that guys my age, unless they're not good-looking, only want to use you for sex, and even the uglier ones would use you if they thought they could. I know there are lots of great guys out there, it just seems like theu're never where you can find them though

[BarryLiverstone]

Looks matter, on both sides. Anyone who says they only care about personality is a liar. Yup until you get out there you can’t really know what a decent guy is and what’s on their mind. Do guys think about sex and desire? Yes. But news flash.. so do girls. lol it’s 2024 and society seems to tell girls it’s not ok to be powerful sexually and if they are they are a ho? No. Each person has the ability to use the other. So because that risk exists you do your best to build trust and know that when you are vulnerable the other person doesn’t take advantage of that. Like you said good looking or not, every person can hurt everyone else so it’s why you often get the advice to wait because trust is only ever built over time

[BarryLiverstone]

But glad you don’t feel scared. Sounds like you are on the edge of trying new things

[Asker]

Yeah thanks. Cross-fingers it gets less complicated once I'm actually living it.

[BarryLiverstone]

Thank you for reading :)

[BarryLiverstone]

Thank you for MHO. Not sure if I helped much.

[Asker]

You did. You were kind and understanding and listened to what I said. Lots of people didn't even read the post properly. So thanks!

[OlderAndWiser]

You are correct; most people do not lose their virginity on their wedding night. Most people also do not have 20+ partners when they get married. I regret losing my virginity to the other person because it was just sex and not a relationship. I would suggest that you wait until you date someone who you think is a reasonable candidate for at least a long term dating relationship. Your first time should be making love with someone and not just getting fucked. You don't have a second chance to lose your virginity in a way that you will remember fondly. Once that has happened, you will then have a better idea of whether you need to have sexual experiences with multiple guys or whether you will be more comfortable with waiting for someone with whom you at least share genuine affection.

[Asker]

Yeah, it's a bit complicated too, because I kind of don't want to have to do the break up thing if I don't have to, you know? Like, if I find my person, I just want to work as hard as I can to keep things healthy and happy with him. So while I'd also prefer to be bade love to than fucked the first time, I feel like if I get my experiences before I find a longterm partner, I'll be less likely to feel like I missed out. Also according to most girls on here, the first time is horrible no matter what or who you're with, so it won't make much difference if you do it in love or just in lust.

[Berethor]

Never too late to become a ho, but you better not start your sexual life as one, better wait.

[Asker]

I never said I wanted to be a ho. Just have more than one experience before settling down. And lol, that's a funny thing to say. So it's better to become a ho after you're married, not before?

[Berethor]

More like if you get divorced as it don't matter much at that point, you literally said that you think about having a one-night stand, it would automatically would make you a ho. It better to never be a ho, I believe that you are more likely to cheat if you have that experience, and here statistics that shows that.

[Asker]

Well, I'd really rather not get divorced unless I have to. I understand the stats but I also believe they reflect on those people, not on individuals. Also apparently they're more affected by divorced people who are more likely to marry again and divorce again.

[Berethor]

If marriage is so important to you then better save you first time to your husband.

[Asker]

Marriage isn't super important to me. As in it's not a big goal. Like I won't marry someone just to get married. If I don't find the right person, I'll happily stay single, and I don't believe saving it for marriage is worth it.

[Berethor]

Why you don't believe saving it for marriage is worth it, who want an used goods?

twitter.com/.../1

[Asker]

Lol, used goods? K dude

[Berethor]

At least I don't say damaged goods, yea got used by someone so used goods. :)

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/no_hymen,_no_diamond

[Asker]

And is this a women-only thing or do you hold the same standards for men?

[Berethor]

I am straight, why should I care about what men do? you can look for a virgin. :)

allthetropes.org/wiki/Nature_Adores_a_Virgin

[Asker]

I don't want my future boyfriend or husband to be a virgin. And I'm asking if you believe only women are used goods or if you hold that standard to men as well, not whether you're attracted to men.

[Berethor]

Irrelevant as men tend to care about virginity more than women, so why to ask?

[Asker]

I've only seen conservative and insecure men care about virginity, so I don't see why 'used goods' is relevant to me.

[Berethor]

You said that you would regret not waiting for him, and yea you likely to regret that.

[Asker]

I said I'd possibly regret waiting too. I can't tell which. Either way, I wouldn't wait until marriage

[Berethor]

Even if you do not want wait until marriage, at least wait until the right person.

[Gent207-2]

Have you researched birth control options?

Have you considered the implications of sex? For some it's just a climax and walk away. But scientifically speaking it's a bonding experience especially one's first time, hence why it's more important to figure yourself out - who are you and what do you want in a partner?

Also consider the 5 great pillars: sex, money, kids and in-laws. These pillars make or break relationships and marriages.

[Asker]

I know the basic ones, like condoms and oral contraceptives. I'm not going to take hormonal birth control though. I'm not too worried about inlaws or money because I'm not looking to get married at the moment, but I know they're important eventually.

[Gent207-2]

Then you're looking at sex for the moment not for the years later. This will not end well

[Asker]

Why not? People do it all the time.

[Gent207-2]

Yes and everyone of them has to pay the consequences be it VD, infertility from hormonal BC or worse

[Asker]

Ik about the risks of hormonal BC. That's why I wouldn't take it.

[Gent207-2]

Most guys are assholes that refuse condoms Unless you use the rhythm method or are more serious about dating for marriage your fucked

[Asker]

You must know a lot of awful guys. All the ones I know don't mind condoms.

[Tim2nice]

Honestly, it’s not a big deal. Religious/conservative folks will tell you to wait for the special one, but he may never arrive or disappoint you. Life’s too short to wait for anything. Just go out there and enjoy yourself

[laly520]

think before u jump into that

experience won't run away so its better if u have it with right one whom u will settle down with, they won't hold gun to ur head if u lack experience n trust me u aren't missing anything big

[ChicoFromThe305]

Personally I chose to wait for a specific person and I'm not much on changing my mind, it might not feel worth it now but it will when i get to that moment, it depends I guess, do what you think you won't regret

[exitseven]

Find somebody that you really like. Go out on a few dates and really get to know and trust him. When the both of you are ready you can do it.

[Nikki1989]

Get it over and done with. You will feel so much better.

[Alex-Snow]

You are still young. Wait for the right guy at the right time in ur life. Don't forget condoms!

[Asker]

But you didn't wait, I expect, did you?

[Alex-Snow]

No I had sex when I was 17 and 1/2. But the opportunity never arose before that... only some handjobs and one or two bjs

[Asker]

So I'm confused. Are you advocating for people to wait for a relationship or to do what you did?

[Alex-Snow]

Neither... it is an individual choice that only you can make. It may be based on family values, religion, culture or the desire to want to share some great orgasms.

[clampfan101]

Wait until marriage. It will be worth it.

[jahaims]

In a committed relationship full of love and trust

[shanshu]

75% of the time womens first time isn't that great to how the build it up in their head and most tldo regret it, what I'd say though is find someone you trust that you find attractive and tell them.

Your first time may hurt and feel intense due to breaking the hymen and someone going inside you the first time.

But if it's someone you trust even if it doesn't feel great the first time them at least you shouldn't have any regrets as it was with someone you trusted

[Asker]

Think my hymen already broke years ago so i'm not too worries about that.

[MrDaveAPSI]

Do you even want to?

[Asker]

Yes, what makes you think I don't?

[MrDaveAPSI]

Because it just sounds like you don't. I can almost 99% believe you really don't

[Asker]

Not sure you read my post properly. I want to, I just don't know HOW I want to.

[Ironco]

My suggestion is to not wait, have a few partners find out what you like what they like. When you get to be my age, I remember my first time but I don't remember much about it. You'll learn that as you get older, just find out what you like and go from there. Sex is a blast, but it's not the most important thing. Eventually you'll find the person you want to be with and sex will just come naturally.

But by all means have fun.

[Dreamclouds]

Just do it to one night stand if you are so curious

[jjj101010]

Sometimes it becomes too big and u build it up in ur head. It won’t be the best u have had. May be best to do it and move on

[MasterKS]

whatever make you happy do it, just dont regret later.

[Asker]

That's what I'm saying. . . That's what I'm afraid of. I don't know which would make me happy

[MasterKS]

@asker if u want simple and logical, do with boyfriend or trusted person, if you want some wild adventure, casual and night stand is good.

[Asker]

That's the thing, it's complicated because I want both and I can't feel into which is the one I'm supposed to choose.

[MasterKS]

@asker its your call, no one can define it, just we say pros and cons of it.

[Enginn]

Fuck. Thats the best way.

[Anonymous]

with someone who respects you

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't lose it to a one night stand or a casual sex partner if I was you. I did and regret it. I would wait on your person. The person who will make it meaningful for you and something you will look back on and be happy you made that decision. You want it to be memorable and you want the person who you lose it to to make it valuable and make you feel special.