Sexual Relationships
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Conflicting Ideas. Men express love through sex, but don't equate feelings with sex?

I'm puzzled by these conflicting ideas I've heard. One one hand, I've heard men express their love to a woman through sex. That denying a man sex in a relationship is rejecting their love, and not allowing them to express their feelings and love. On the other hand, I've heard men are completely capable of removing feelings from sex. They're much better than women at having meaningless sex, and sex with a woman doesn't mean he cares about her. Who cares to explain these conflicting ideas?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Tricky question. Thanks!

    My hypothesis, with a disclaimer first:

    We're all just a little bit different. Just as some women, I assume, form more intimate bonds through sex than other women, some men separate sex and emotional feelings of intimacy more than other men. I think that generally: women develop intimate, romantic feelings toward a person *because* they had sex with them much more than men do. And vice versa, men don't associate purely physical sex with romance nearly as much as women do. But think of us all, men and women, as on a continuum. Some of us are more inclined to one side of this line than others.

    That disclaimer out of the way, I'll pretend we're talking about absolutes. In your first example, men say they express their love through sex, and that denying them sex is rejecting their love.

    Well, no. I'm calling bullshit on that argument. Not because it's *never* true, but men making that claim are generally, mostly, full of it. If my partner were in a horrible accident, and physically unable to have sex, would I feel unable to love her? No.

    However, would the relationship work out, in the long run? Possibly another no. Sex is a very important part of our relationships. Sexual compatibility, or the lack thereof, make or break relationships every day. So if in a relationship a woman or a man is not wanting to have sex near as much, or the reverse: if one partner is wanting sex way more than the other, the relationship will probably have long term issues that a couple may not ultimately solve. In this situation, during a heated or emotional argument, the example you give may get said, and have some truth to it. Generally though - as a flat, out-of-the-blue statement: I don't buy it.

    Your second example, men being capable of removing feelings of intimacy from sex, just rings true to me. I know there are some women that can't wrap their heads around this idea. I'm sorry for that, we're just made different this way.

    I will say that this isn't the same thing as saying that no feelings of intimacy exist at all when a guy has sex. However, in my experience those feelings are slight enough that they are easy to ignore, if we choose to do so. I've tuned into them before, with my wife, and find them rewarding. But from what I gather they're far less intense for me than they are for women.

    As far as this example being an excuse for cheating, well that's a whole other topic, in my opinion. For me, while I wouldn't feel like I've been less intimate with my partner, or somehow love her less because I had sex with another, the fact that I care about her, and know that she associates sex with our love for one another: this is why I don't cheat. She would be hurt by it, and even if by having sex with another my actual feelings would not change in the way she believes they would, why would I hurt her this way?

    So ultimately, neither idea is completely wrong or right in all situations.

    Hope I've made a decent go at answering the paradox.

  • Well there's truth to both statements, but in both cases the people who use them are using that element of truth to hide their true motives.

    In the case of the first, the truth is that sex is an intimate act, and love is expressed mainly through intimacy. So, especially in the case of sex, which, from a biological point of view, is elemental to relationships, to deny a person intimacy is to reject their love.

    However, this is often a manipulative trick. There are more ways to be intimate than through sex. Being able to express your love through sex can be important, essential even, but saying your love is rejected if you're denied sex is a form of emotional blackmail.

    Keep in mind though, just like women can become sexually frustrated or get self-esteem issues from being denied sex, so can men (although they'll be less willing to admit the latter).

    In the case of the second, the truth is that, yes, men can indeed keep their feelings separate from sex (though definitely not always). Perhaps it's more easy for us than for women, I would wager that it's harder for a woman not to feel like it's an intimate experience, considering it involves something going inside of her, but I really couldn't say.

    However, this too is a manipulative trick. It's a way of telling people (men or women) that they shouldn't be making the connection in the first place, but only because people (again, both men and women) like having sex, sometimes with people they don't have romantic feelings for, and they don't like feeling responsible for leading them on.

    It is often the case though that people (once again, both men and women) will pretend not to have or be developing feelings for the other whey they have a friends with benefits arrangement for example, so it's also something people try to tell themselves because they're afraid of falling in love.

    Anyway, the point is that the statements are paradoxical because they're deceptive. There's a difference between the perspective on the truth they pretend to have, and the perspective they actually have, and the apparent contradiction comes from the fact that in both cases, they pretend to have the perspective the other really has.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Sex is a way of expressing love but its not the only way of expressing love. If all you do with a guy is have sex then that's all it is, sex. Its an ability to separate the two - love and sex and while its not confined to men, for the most part it isn't something women can do.

    Sex comes down to basic attraction. You can care about someone but that doesn't mean you want to have sex with them right? These are friends. So why wouldn't it work the other way around? Have sex but not care.

    You can be attracted to someone and have great chemistry(sexual attraction) but that's all it might be- sexual attraction, there's nothing deeper, its simply superficial, an itch you want to scratch and when you've acheived your aim, scratched that itch(got laid) you move on.

  • Yeah... It's because they have the ability to compartmentalize. If they only want sex from you then that's all you're going to be to them. But if they're in love with you, they're gonna want to have sex with you to express those feelings. Men were raised differently than how women are raised. Women are raised to be nurturing, men are raised to be macho, to not be so open about their feelings verbally... So they use sex to express their love and affection.

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  • You know things depend, these are generatlities, yadda yadda ...

    I wouldn't say men express love via sex. I mean some might, sort of, but it's a minor point. However, I'd say that men believe that women do. They also believe some (or most, or a few) women will have sex without love. Consequently:

    - Men can enjoy casual sex without being emotionally attached.

    - Men feel highly validated by being sexually desired.

    - Men feel loved in a relationship when their partner is sexually eager and desires them.

    If their partner rejects them, they feel totally unwanted, as a man. To top it off, they feel like their partner not only doesn't want them, she's also indifferent or worse to what he desires. She's not willing to do something physically pleasurable to please him? So it's sort of a triple feeling of general frustration / feeling totally rejected / feeling like she doesn't care at all.

    Note that a young man in particular, dating a virgin, who is -not ready- for sex, will feel sexually frustrated and eager, but likely won't, for a time, feel sexually -rejected-. It's not that she doesn't desire him, it's that she doesn't feel ready. That only lasts for so long though before he will begin to feel like she doesn't actually desire him. How long depends on age, her morals, etc. It's easier to believe a church going 20 year old virgin who can't make out without getting frustrated and can't continue, not so easy if there's no obvious reason why she'd have such a strong reason for not wanting anything vs. the hoped for desire she feels.

  • Depends on the guy.

    Either way you look at it, sex is important to guys, as I'm sure it is to a lot of girls.

  • Your first statement is slightly incorrect. More than sex is an expression of love to women from men, it's more that men see sex as an expression of love and acceptance from women. It's a subtle difference, but changes the meaning of the first part immensely.

    With that change, the two statements are not conflicting.

  • I think someone said it best, women fall in love with their ears, men fall in love with their eyes.

    • That doesn't really answer the question

  • You've heard men express their love to a woman through sex. Not always true.

    You've heard that denying a man sex in a relationship is rejecting their love, and not allowing them to express their feelings and love. It's mainly hurting his ego, his virile image.

    Indeed, men are completely capable of removing feelings from sex. They're much better than women at , and sex with a woman doesn't mean he cares about her.

    Conflicting ? Both genders could have and do have meaningless sex, but that's straight against the education about any girl receives, against the 'values' they brainwashed her with. A guy who has meaningless sex is considered a successful warmblooded and virile male by society. A girl who has meaningless sex is considered a slut by society.

    Double standards: if standards are good, double standards must be twice as good. ( link )

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