Sexual Relationships
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I Don't Like the Idea of Orgasming from Foreplay and Then Having Sex

I asked about this months ago, but I want to write about it now. I asked if it was the new standard for women to cum from oral before sex and then the guy has sex fast to get off. I'm not hating on the idea for other people, but for me I just don't like it. I don't like the sentiment. I'm the one and done orgasm type.

I get that there are also couples who do this, who have all different ways of doing it. From short sex to long sex, and lots of variances with foreplay, both before and after sex...But for me:

I Don't Like the Idea of Orgasming from Foreplay and Then Having Sex

To be blunt about it I don't see why a guy like this should get more than a blowjob from me.

I don't like how guys who go down on me first may think "Well, at least she O'ed from this" and then be expecting sex anyway. Because I've heard and even read some of them say that.

It's not that it's his responsibility to make me orgasm. I know it's mine.

But I don't want him to get comfortable with the idea that he can please me this way. He gets off from sex, and I won't... IMHO If orgasming from oral is so awesome, then he should be happy with just getting off from that too.

To be honest I think it takes a lot of nerve for guys to ask for sex, if they get women off this way and it's not a mutual agreement. Like it's just the standard or what he expects should happen after he gets me off.

So for guys like that, do not ask me for sex, please.

And don't get me wrong, I don't know how to solve the orgasming from sex problem lots of women or even some men have at all. And ofc some guys can't even get off from bjs!

I was just saying this bothers me but it's not like I have a solution unfortunately. I wanted to vent since lots of people say this is standard now, because it's not a standard I want or like at all.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think most people who are doing this she's not one and done. She has an orgasm from oral, then may or may not during sex.

    You also write it as though the guy -chooses- to cum fast during sex when it's likely the opposite. He likely -can't- last longer. He can't magically have sex for 20 minutes any more than you can magically orgasm in 30 seconds.

    In any case if you're one and done I suspect a more typical variant of the approach would be oral on you till you're close, than sex and hopefully you orgasm right before him.

    You seem to be making some odd false equivalences. You seem to assume that even though oral gets you off more easily than sex, and for him sex gets him off more easily that somehow oral is the same for both of you. There's no basis for assuming that. It's possible oral for you is better than any stimulation he receives. Or not. (I will note that female orgasms look to be -way- bigger than make orgasms and last much longer.)

    • What if you started with sex, then switched to mutual oral and both came like that?

    • ... I think lots of guys choose not to last long, because I've even had other guys admit that to me! Orgasm wise... for me, I'd say his are stronger. I love orgasming, but the build up actually feels better for me. And guys have also told me bjs can be better than sex, so yeah I guess it depends on your preferences. I like your sex 1st and then 69 example! I'd like to do that sometimes.

    • I've very very rarely heard of guys 'not bothering' to last. I have heard it... But only online. Most men either relax and see what happens or try their best to last. Unfortunately trying really hard to last results in super fast orgasm. Because pressure makes you -not- last. For me orgasms are slightly better than when you need to piss and finally do. They are nice and a relief to pressure but not that awesome.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Agreed that guys today are lemmings and not students of individuals but all that also begs the question about what sort of relationships are typical these days.

    From the club of few/no orgasms that agrees these are under our command, I can report that in the future you will meet a guy whose relationship lasts long enough to get to know each other as individuals, lovers and intimate friends so that mutual orgasms become more commonplace. There's nothing better.

    As far as the "how dare they" and what they are thinking frustrations, my only defense for them is that the little pest in their pants seems to me to be more distracting & mind ambushing than the ones we own.

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  • In my experience I’ve heard it confessed from girls they are unable to get off during normal sex, because their partner just doesn’t know how to stimulate their clit enough in order for them to become sufficiently aroused in order to get off. It is actually the responsibility in my opinion for each partner to be sure the other is enjoying the sex and is orgasming enough to the point it is all mutually satisfying for everyone.

    I just don’t believe it should be just one person’s responsibility for this or for it to be their own responsibility. I mean if you care for someone and you’re having sex with them, then you should care whether or not they are getting ‘off’ well enough. To me it should be common sense for this and not something one should have to over-think. You’re together; make sure each other is getting what they need.

    This being said, I then also believe, if a male gives you oral and then expects sex from you, it is not so much in my opinion that he wants sex now after getting you off orally, but the fact he ‘expects’ it from you; that’s taking you for granted, which is selfish in my view. Therefore, I get what you’re saying that if a guy gets you off and then expects sex that’s just not your ‘cup of tea’ and you find it a major turn off. It is understandable.

    Yet, if the girl can only get off orally, and that’s what her partner gives her, then by mutual consent, if sex is the way he gets off, then by all means a natural progression should occur so you’re both satisfied, because just like some girls can’t get off unless they get oral, some guys I’ve had confess to me they don’t orgasm well during sex and actually prefer for the girl to get them off orally too with a blow job. So in closing, in my view, as long as everyone’s happy, I say just do what feels great and take care of each other and be happy. That’s my bottom line.

    • Yeah, I like your comment! But I was saying if it is possible for him to get off from bjs then that's what I'll do. And, I'm surprised more guys don't like this since bjs take way more effort for me than sex... like it's easier to show my passion for him when I do oral.

    • @SovereignessofVamps: Of course, I see your point. There are just so many variations to what both male and females desire that if the case was the guy could just as easily get off with a blowjob then by all means go for it, but if he can't and you've gotten off with oral, then what's to do? Go ahead and do what gets him off the best as he should be doing that for you in return; whether it's oral or straight sex or some variation of it or both.

    • I'd be willing to give him a really good handjob plus bj combo. I'd love the challenge if he didn't normally get off bjs.

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  • My husband will sometimes go down on me before sex. He makes sure I orgasm from that, but I almost always do from sex afterward too. So I get two lol. It's just harder for me to reach orgasm during normal intercourse, so I think he does it as an insurance policy. Though he does his best to make sure he doesn't cum until I do during sex; he has a lot of control over when he allows himself to reach orgasm.

  • Okay.. lets be realistic queen sheba... you are not gods gift... lol.. this dude is probably not a mind reader how the hell is he gonna know your not digging this because I assume there's a OMG IM CUMMING OR OMG your dicks so great baby or something along the lines while he's fucking you... therefore of course he thinks I got her off im the shit... when in all reality when your done your going off to the bathroom to masterbate bc your pussy Is throbbing... you HAVE TO tell this man NO HEAD MAKE him get u wet tell him WHAT YOU WANT DONE AND give him direction on how to help you and him at rhe same time.. the sex will be hotter and more enjoyable... in the middle I looove to stop my husband if I think he's going to cum and shove his head down in my pussy and make him eat it then he can come back up for more... if u want long sex and to orgasm from it you gotta work for it also and not just the im gonna ride him and bump uglies... I HAD your man.. and this technique works

  • Not sure I understand the problem. You don't want to orgasm from oral? Or you want to orgasm from oral and then just stop? Or you want no oral and the guy to last long enough to get you off?

  • For me, the standard is making my woman satisfied in whatever way she wants to be satisfied. The primary problem is that she doesn't always tell me what she wants. I tried to make sure that she has an orgasm from foreplay, in case she doesn't also have an orgasm from intercourse. After she is aroused from foreplay, I take things slow unless/until she tells me to pick up the pace. If she can have an orgasm while I am having an orgasm, that is platinum. If she can have an orgasm while we are having intercourse, that is gold. For me, having an orgasm is guaranteed so my concern is making sure that she enjoys the experience as much as I do. After all, I want her to keep coming back for more!

  • There are lots of relationships where the guy and gal have sex and the guy cums, goes soft, and it is over. So you are actually lucky that the guys you are with make the effort to give you an orgasm. It is just the problem that men generally cum easier and quicker.

    Also, some women can have a series of orgasms, with the better ones being the later ones. So even if she came about the same time as him, it would not be a great one.

    Personally, my approach was to give her orgasms with foreplay, then have sex with the hopeful result of both of us cumming. But again, sometimes I would cum and then could not keep it going for her. At least we had made sure that she had orgasm from our sexual activity.

    • I don't see it as lucky. It's normal to try and pls your partner. And I mean if this works great for you and your partners then great for you guys srsly! I just don't like this personally.

    • I also don't think it's lucky because she's choosing to have sex with him when she doesn't have to. If she's cool with not cumming from anything... well that is her choice.

    • I have no idea how "when she doesn't have to" got into the conversation. I assumed (with good reason) that they both wanted to have sex. "wanted", not "had to". And many women on here complain that the guy they are with (want to be with and are staying with) will come and then go to sleep, leaving them unsatisfied. If you are okay with not coming, then it works for you. But most people enjoy intercourse, want intercourse, and want orgasm from it. What I was offering up was something that can give that, satisfying most people.

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  • How is this a standard. If you think sex is just about orgasms and once you had one, then time to go to bed, then sex is very boring in your household. I think sex is all about enjoying the person you're with as much as possible. Exploring each other passionately and making them feel so good until they push you the fuck off. Then you try some more after a bit of rest. When it comes to sex, it should be the most intense activity people do. Not all the time mind you because you might be just tired or not into it full that day or whatever. But my dream is to have a sexual partner that is up for anything with little to no inhibitions. Who wants it whenever and where ever. Who isn't worried about how she performs or getting me off. Who is all about the moment between us, who is fully into it and just wants to gush with pleasure. Because that's what I feel about sex. It should be a time where you have almost no inhibitions because you are the most vulnerable and closest to someone, so putting up walls or expectations usually makes the experience not as passionate to me.

  • If the guy hasn't had it for a while and he's rushing, a gentle hand job will cool him down and the sex will be slower, gentler and better afterwards. Besides, lots of boys actually prefer a hand job to penetrative sex.

  • It doesn't sound like you really like men all that much. I love when my guy gets me off from foreplay before he cums. I usually have another with the sex itself but even if I don't, it still feels great and I want him to feel great. Why don't you want him to feel great?

    • I'd <3 for him to feel great. Total srs I love giving bjs.

    • Oh sorry, I guess I misinterpreted "I don't see why a guy like this should get more than a blowjob from me." if the guy wants interciurse instead of a bj, that implies to me he wants to have a shared sexual moment and through that, maybe you can evolve from the one and done situation you currently are in.

    • It's possible... or he could just want sex.

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  • What a horribly ungrateful person. I feel bad for any guy you hook up with. Since most women do not orgasm from intercourse, this is exactly the process I have used for the last 30 plus years. I make sure she has at least 1 orgasm, more if she will let me continue, then I take care of myself. I have only been with 2 women that could cum from intercourse. So rather then just say "screw you, I got mine, go grab your vibrator", I make sure she is happy before I am. It is courtesy and I have never once had any woman that wasn't very pleased with it. I have had a few complain that many men don't take care of them. So your in a very very very very very very tiny minority.

    • You're ungrateful! I wrote so much and this is the only thing you can say; an insult! Srsly, why wouldn't you just stick with a bj too? I am responsible for my own orgasm,, so I don't blame guys. Have you gotten women off after sex? I feel like that takes more focus for guys.

    • What do you mean "after sex"? have I cum, she didn't, then I took care of her? yes, I have many times. mostly in the early days when I was young and didn't understand women so well. Once I understood that intercourse doesn't do it for most, then I switched to what I do now. 25 years with my ex wife and sex was always great with us. When I was with the women that could cum from intercourse, then I still ate her out and gave her at least 1 orgasm since that is what I want from sex. Then she got bonus ones during intercourse. If I came from a blowjob, then I would take care of her and we are done. The only time your going to get more sex after a guy cums is when the guy is in his late teens to mid-late 20's. After that, you need a lot more time to get back into the swing of things. and at my age, I rarely want more then 1x a day. So enjoy it while you can.

    • Interesting! Why'd you give the women who could cum from sex oral anyway?

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  • I totally get what you're saying.
    And it's rare to see someone say "It's not that it's his responsibility to make me orgasm. I know it's mine." Really rare. Good thing you're aware that it's a two people act.

  • I don't know if there is a standard but I do know from experience that women have different capabilities concerning orgasm. Some are easily able to have multiple orgasms in a short period of time from any sort of stimulation and then there are the ones that have such a strong orgasm that they are so sensitive after that anything more is painful for them. With that in mind I believe in your case communication is the key. Tell him to wait for the snack and get yours from penetration first. If he is a fast finisher make sure he brings you along well in foreplay before penetration.

  • Interesting - I had never considered this, and I can see for some women at least your view makes sense. I tend to go for a lot of foreplay, kissing etc. and nipple sucking before even going down. My wife does get multiple orgasms from a combination of oral and fingering, then when I fuck her I still try to give her more by maintaining clit stimulation, and though it is 50/50 if she cums again, I am not just using her to get off, I want her to keep being pleasured. Food for thought though - Thanks

  • Absolutely yes foreplay oral hand stimulation toys too. Then hard fast rough sex till we pass out.

  • It's fine once in awhile. But you're pigeon-holing sexual activity something awful - it's just not like that honey.

    Some women cannot climax from just PIV sex. There needs to be simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris. This can come in many forms, a certain angle or motion, manual stimulation, not just oral like you say.

    The solution is to find someone with a little more experience and/or creativity. Sounds like you're young and already bored with the average table fare you've been seeing. If you haven't experienced mind-blowing sex then keep trying. An LTR is a much richer environment for this - something you're not gonna get with a pump and dump or a ONS.

  • you sound like a catch.

    your going to make some lucky guy not give a shit about you getting off some day.. wow what a basket case..

  • I do not like the division into foreplay and sex. Bot is lovemaking for me. Most women is multi orgasmic, and most have difficulty reaching orgasm during penetration.
    Cunnilingus at the beginning is excellent. No need to rush. One orgasm during cunnilingus for many ladies is not enough. My wife just loves to orgasm during cunnilingus.
    After cunnilingus, penetration is logical. Do not be rushed and should be during intercourse, stimulate the clitoris by finger. More orgasms is better than less.

  • I think you are a dyke

  • First let us discuss the physiology involved. The most recent studies show that only 30% of women reach orgasm through vaginal sex. There's a reason for this and has nothing to do with the size of a guy or the emotional state of the female. It has to do with stimulation of the clitoris. The person was doing this Take is 21 years old. She might think she knows what she's talking about but I doubt she's ever gone to college little medical school. Let's not talk about the G spot because that is not how 95% of women reach orgasm. It's clitoral stimulation accounts and that can be achieved best bilingual stimulation. Why not plain fucking? Because the stimulation of the clitoris is mostly dependent on the anatomy the female, the size of the clit how much it increases in size (just like the penis) and was covering and rubbing it during intercourse. Every woman is different because the anatomy is different. Look at the vulva look at the external versus internal vulva. Note the variation.
    If you can reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse more power to you but don't put down oral stimulation that works. And more power to the guys who understand that and perform oral sex on the girls. How many guys would not want any more blow jobs? Same same with girls.

    • Yeah... I think you should read my whole post!

    • And you're funny; You're only 25 lol. And you can find all of the orgasm trouble issues, and clit stimulation ideas right on youtube.

  • For me it is completely my wife's choice on what she wants. However, my situation is different. But our sex is centered on her needs.

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