Sexual Relationships
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If you haven't, you're a prude! If you have, you're a slut!

What makes someone a slut? These days, it seems the only qualification you’ve got to have to suffice is to be a female.

According to Leora Tanenbaum, author of ‘SLUT! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation’, the term slut has come to be associated as applying to any women who simply deviates from the ‘norms of femininity’, whatever the fuck that even is. A ‘slut’ doesn’t even need to be sexually active; if you’re a female and fail to follow the gender script; congrats, you’re a slut.

If you haven't, you're a prude. If you have, you're a slut.

These days, it doesn’t even require a woman to be promiscuous to be shamed as being a slut. If you embrace your sexuality in any way, even when in a long-term, monogamous relationship, you fall into that seemingly all en-compassing category.

There isn’t even such a thing as being a ‘slut’ or ‘not a slut’. Just being a woman. Even the ‘slut-pride’ and ‘slut-walk’ movements were entirely counter-productive, in my opinion. All they truly managed to do is to further feinfrce the dichotomies that feminism is working towards getting rid of. The whole ‘in-group’ ‘ougroup’ bias. It’s always us versus them, regardless of context.

It truly is a thin line to walk for women, between love and hate. Where one moment you’re the next best thing since sliced bread, beautiful, wanted by all, then before you know it you’re nothing better htan some filth in the street. Why? Because you dared to express an emotion or desire that is common to every single human being worldwide.

Women lose their sheen quickly. That’s what happens with commodities. Your worth is in the hands of a fickle and punitive market.

As always, women are sluts and men are, well, men.

‘Slut-shaming’ isn’t about shaming ‘sluts’. It’s about misogyny. It’s about shutting women down. It’s about hating women. It’s about silencing. You can be labelled a ‘slut’ regardless of whether or not you have or like sex. Whether you’ve had one partner or fifty. It’s doesn’t matter.

If you haven't, you're a prude! If you have, you're a slut!

Many men seem to want their cake and to eat it too. They want a willing sexual partner who is kinky af, lets him have their way with them. However, best not be too open about enjoying it if that happens to be the case as many society's also seem to place a lot of value on virginity, a women being demure and modest as a little school girl.

Half of the time people talk about being ‘slut-shamed’ or witnessing ‘slut-shaming’, it’s about clothes. Not sex. Someone thought you or your buddy was dressed ‘like a slut’. Your response was to say that, apparently, some ‘slut-shaming’ happened. But I’m confused now. Which is it? Is it that women who ‘like sex’ are being shamed? Or is it that women who wear push-up bras are being shamed? Because, for the record, wearing ‘slutty’ clothes has nothing to do with liking sex or not liking sex.

If you haven't, you're a prude! If you have, you're a slut!

It's a warning more than a word – a reminder to women that we must adhere to the narrow standards of femininity and sexuality set out for us. If we fail to obey, we will be punished accordingly.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • just chiming in from reading the other comments

    you've never heard of guys getting made fun of because they can't get laid? damn lol.

    sometimes it goes like this

    2 guys insulting each other, 1 virgin, the other not

    the virgin is clearly winning

    the non-virgin simply says: "at least I get pussy", or "how many girls have you fucked? yeah"

    and everyone forgets whos winning and laughs at the virgin

    that was pure comical but generally thats how it does between "boys"

    guys have been scared about being called a virgin since I was in fucking elementary school.. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL lol.

    well now you know.

    • Hm ok yea I guess I wouldn't know since girls are rarely involved in those kind of interactions between guys. Sounds like it's kind of the opposite of what girls face within discussions in their own friend groups... Girls get shamed for their sexual prowess, men get shamed for lack of one. 😔

    • there really are two sides to the coin in this. i don't see either one right, and I don't even know how it started, but it happens. Like seriously, what is the point of laughing at a 40 year old virgin? Makes no sense whatsoever. For guys, the longer you remain a virgin, the more shame is bestowed upon you, and for girls, the higher your number, the more shame. It's all stupid, but can't count on everything to think rationally, at least we got you for that :)

    • count on everyone*

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I kinda think calling someone a "slut" is the same as calling someone a "bitch", "dick", "asshole". It's just someone calling someone a name because whatever their reason is.

    You did XYZ so he or she responds with "you're a _________!!!"

    I've never thought of it as this huge problem, just someone else butthurt about something and lashing out.

    All of that being said, that's just my opinion, and your take was well written. Had some good points and I love that it's titled with an almost Breakfast Club quote. "If you say you haven't you're a prude, say you have you're a slut". Good job!

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What Girls & Guys Said

10 36

  • That take is clearly written from the lens, confirmation bias, fundamental attribution bias, and tunnel vision of the female subculture and feminist perspective.

    The views and opinions expressed that that take reflect neither reality, nor how men (at large) seriously feel about women who have sex (versus those that don't have sex).

    "Saying it's so doesn't make it so."

    If some idiot on the Internet out inside a church starts running his mouth and shooting the word "slut" around like it's on sale next to the gun section at Walmart in West Bubblefuck, Redneckville, that's a reflection of him (not of women, or the particular woman, or reality, or the innate and natural views of men at large).

    "Criticism is just another form of patting yourself on the back." When men "criticize" women for sexual behavior, either without really thinking about what they're saying (i. e., monkey see, monkey do behavior) or with some malicious intent to cause emotional pain, the only two motivations for that behavior are (a) a desire to get laid by other women listening to him subscribing to the "slut as a negative word" dogma, or (b) a desire to feel better about himself by creating a contrast effect between "his" morality and the morality of "others less righteous than thy," instead of... well, actually "doing" things that demonstrate how morally "better" he is than others.

    So, rather than analyzing the world objectively and dispassionately, women get seduced and sucked into this bullshit emotional "Yes! So true, girlfriend!" click-bait, and never actually find inner peace.

    America's relationship with shaming female sexuality (or rather, being "afraid" of women who are openly sexual) stems from the 1940s, and the "fear" that the GOVERNMENT had that FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS were using biological warfare (by transporting infected female sex workers to the U. S. and brothels visited by U. S. soldiers) to weaken the U. S.'s armed forces by spreading STDs/STIs.

    a248.e.akamai.net/.../...1000005DC-922_634x827.jpg

    www.nlm.nih.gov/.../a025559.jpg

    a248.e.akamai.net/.../...D000005DC-863_634x830.jpg

    assets.nydailynews.com/.../std12n-8-web.jpg

    www.bestmedicaldegrees.com/.../...rs-the-Earth.jpg

    There's no need for the remnants of the 1940s to still dwell on America's collective social unconscious mind.

  • I completely agree. Nothing more to add.

  • No, that is not true. Slut means promiscuis and that is how it is used. Now it may be erroneously applied but that is what it means and that it is how it is used. This is fact. Its not an attack on women its not some great sweeping conspiracy to keep women down by calling them a slut, it means a promiscuis woman just as fuckboy/player/manwhore/womanizer/philanderer/sleaze/playboy reffers to promiscuis men. So now we can argue that their are more modern usages of terms to criticise male sexuality then their are female sexuality (slut/whore) and on top of that you have men being reffered to as losers for not having sex, creeps if they approach women who feel they can do better etc. So is that not in fact showing that what your saying is actually more applicable to men then to women? They are shunned and ridiculted for being promiscuis and shunned and ridiculed for not having sex, and shunned for attempting to establish a relationship with a woman (if the woman is not interested) so I think maybe you should reconsider your stance because evidence is not really on your side. In fact your first and last pictures show this, the idea that men are promiscuis the idea that they are some how special and have no social pressures placed on them and this idea that we are all that partiucular way (further emphasised by your own statements) when in fact studies have shown men and women have about the same sexual partners, yet here we are having women (mostly those who are anti slut shaming) slut shame men while demanding that no one pass the same judgment on them. Thats sexism. As for why it exists to begin with the fact is their are two reasons. The first is different standards. A woman expects a man to treat her a certain way to wine and dine to treat her special, to shower her with affetion etc. yet if that same woman gave up sex to a guy for a one night stand she is by extention devaluing the guy she expects to pay for it through his time and affection. She is essentially saying he isn't worth giving it to for free ergo he must not be as good or desirable as the guy she gave it to for free. The inverse however is not true, if a man is paying for something he can get for free he is increasing her value, she must be worth more then the fling, hence the different standards. The second reason (and more important) is that its detrimental to the health of the woman and by extention society. It has been proven to increase the probability of depression/divorce etc.

    • I think you're mistaken. As there is thot, hoe, slut, whore, bustdown, fluzy, trick, hoodrat, skank, traga (this one is for Spanish speakers) and countless of other female specific terms for a promiscuous woman. You even pointed it out "manwhore", because if you just say "whore", it's assumed it's a woman, you need a qualifier like "man" to clarify that you're referring to a man. Also, player/fuckboy/womanizer shaming isn't the same as slut shaming. Because player shaming is shaming the fact that he's manipulating and using women for sex, under false pretenses, like feigning feelings or a relationship. Meanwhile, slut shaming is shaming a woman for merely having sex. So if she manipulated to get sex, she'd get the shame twice as bad than a male player. A male player isn't being shamed for sex, he's being shamed for manipulating. A female player is being shamed for enjoying sex, having sex, and for manipulating to get sex. Difference.

    • @BuchitaBuchys Half of those I haven't heard. As for manwhore yes you need to clarify because only women really have the capacity to commoditize their sexuality. As for everything else I addressed that and all the other ones while that may be suggestive it is not how its used, it is used purely becaues they are promiscuis and so is slut shaming, it has nothing to do with sex, it has to do with how many people and the cirucmstances. Which is completely different. A woman who has sex with her boyfriend isn't a slut. A woman who has sex with a new guy every night is a slut, distinction. And again there are two standards one for men and one for women, you cannot claim sexism if the other standard is unfair as well. I explained that in my post.

    • @BuchitaBuchys their are expectations for men that women do not have and vice versa. If women removed all of those expectations then men would have no reason to hold onto theirs and the situation would resolve itself. The fact is men embraced womens promiscuity (they like sex and they like to get it easily) its primarily women who hate promiscuis women and men who want an actual relationship.

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  • Omg, YES! I will read the article a little later, but from the title I agree that it's super annoying when people do this. I've had it happen to me before where people called me a prude for not doing stuff and it's irritating because I'm not. I just don't feel like doing it. Is that a crime? I don't think so. People need to get the f*ck over themselves. The world isn't all about sex despite many people thinking it is.

    • agreed! It seems that the only way for females to shed this whole slut/prude-shaming thing is to start not giving a fuck. It doesn't happen often but when I hear that someone called me a slut or was talking about how many guys I've been involved with in the past in an obviously negative way, then I don't let it get to me. I know that I'm not a 'slut' or anything truly bad of that sort so they can think as they please. I stand true to my own standards, not someone else's. :)

  • I personally don't use the word and think less of someone else when they do. It's sad and it says much more about the person saying it then it does about the person they are talking about.

    • touche. I'm in full agreeance with how usage of the word actually depicts more poorly of the individual using it versus at who it's aimed!

  • good title, great take x

  • The title made me think of, 'The Breakfast Club'. Thank you though! I agree with you, men wear it like a badge of honour and it's just chimp like thinking! "He's inseminated many women - he must be King!" it's stupid. Sleep with who you want, when you want and I don't think anyone should be able to make a comment upon it.

    • 'it's just chimp like thinking! "He's inseminated many women - he must be King!" ' hahaha touche. Silly yet pretty accurate in most cases. :P

  • I certainly don't speak for others on this point. I use the word "slut" on rare occasions. When I use it, I am not calling a woman a slut to her face. There is no point in doing that and I have not appointed myself as any sort of morals police. I use the word to describe sexual behavior. A woman is a slut if she has sex as a routine form of recreation rather than as an act to be shared in a committed relationship. This applies to a pattern of behavior, not to a woman who had a ONS once or twice. I also call guys sluts for the same reasons; I don't believe in supporting a double standard.

    • I would like to add to this if anybody is wondering why this is so bad it is because of their reputation they will not be taken serious and considered date-able by any respectable person. The person they will wind up with when they want to settle down is probably going to be somebody that does drugs and has been in jail. They need to work on bettering themselves and they are going in the wrong direction.

  • This is ON POINTTT. so true! its like all you have to do is wear a lowcut shirt, and you are officially a slut. if you talk about sex openly and say you enjoy it (even if its about one guy that you have been dating for a while), you are officially the neighborhood hoe. and if you dare to have sex with more then one or two guys within your life, you are just the biggest hoe ever. your picture deserves to be in the dictionary under "slut". it is soo ridiculous. and i love how you said "its just a way to shut women down" couldn't have phrased it better. because honestly, how do you even respond to that. i mean yeah you can say something as disrespectful back, but its like how do you prove your not a slut. when i was in high school, like 3/4 of the girls there were labeled as sluts. and yes some of them were loose, but the majority of them were just sexually active while being in relationships.

  • Almost passed this over then saw who wrote it. Glad to have read it. Very true. And the Urban Dictionary definition of slut is "a woman with the morals of a man".

    Thank you for this myTake :-)

    • awe thank-you, really appreciate that you enjoy most of mytakes. :) &yeah... that definition perfectly highlights the point I was hoping to make. -_-

  • yeah, one of the major flaws in feminism is that no two people seem to fully agree over what it is. Like, holding a door open for a woman. Is it misogyny? Some say it is. And some say NOT holding a door open for a woman is misogyny. A lot of mixed messages...

    As far as the 'slut' thing, well, I would say it only matters if you care what other people think of you. It's sort of a paradox, here, because if you care what people think of you, then it doesn't serve to change the way people think, because then they are no longer forming their own opinion - they are simply adopting yours. And if their perspective is so easily swayed, then does it really mean anything for them to have a high opinion of you?

    It's sort of like the play No Exit. Joseph needed approval for the way he lived his life. Estelle gave her approval without thought, but he quickly realized that it was entirely unsatisfying to have her approval, because she didn't have the life experience needed to form a credible opinion. You can like sex without being self-conscious about how much you have. But if you are self-conscious, you're naturally going to seek the approval only of those who can understand why you might be self-conscious - you want to hear only from those who have actually put some thought into your situation. Unfortunately, those people consist mostly of either those who are also in the situation, or those who spend a lot of their time looking down on girls in that situation.

    Any time the topic is sex, you're going to get a lot people who have either done it or resent the fact that they didn't do it. It's uncommon to find someone who has an overall positive outlook about something sexual they want to do but can't.

    anyway, I don't really remember where I was going with this...

    • hahah yeah, this whole topic is so fucked up it's tough not to go off on a tangent at some point. I agree that the whole slut-issue is really only bothersome if you manage to let other people's opinions of what you do to dictate your self-worth. Which has never really happened to me in rl but what the huge amount of hate that women get for showing skin or actually admitting that they have a sex drive of their own on this site, that in itself kinda fueled me to write this. :P

  • I think these labels will only go away if you stop giving a fuck because that's what people trying to do to piss you off if you show your not annoy at all they stop because its not fun to them anymore. Or they trying to control you and you just be you if you want to sleep around sleep around, if you want clam your vagina shut do it!.

  • Awesome.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI2AS8MiCJk

  • So would you apply the same thing to virgin males who have it pretty much the same except for different reasons?

    • what does a virgin male have to do with slut-shaming though? I fail to see how the two could be related?

    • They're both examples of unfair double standards. Promiscuous (or any type for that matter) women are slut shamed while chaste males are virgin-shamed.

    • Hm perhaps? I've never heard of actual virgin-shaming towards males though. Not directly, at least. Perhaps you feel it more as a contrast from the sort of sex lives men are stereotypically expected to lead?

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  • Being sexual is a personal choice and can be for others 😉

  • Some people don't know the phrase it takes one to know another.

  • Its usually not the same group of people who hold both opinions simultaneously.

    Guys who don't sleep around will shame sluts and promote prudes.
    Guys who like to sleep around will shame prudes and promote sluts.

    here's a link to a more in depth take I wrote about slut shamming if you're interested.

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a23173-the-slut-stud-double-standard

    • "Guys who like to sleep around will shame prudes and promote sluts" I remember a shirt that said "To all you virgins, thanks for nothing".

  • Who thinks like this? I mean maybe I live is some twilight zone bubble but I can't even recall the last time I heard someone use the word slut outside of the internet and even still used it as derogatory... I'm pretty sure at least some of the people bitching about the word are just being drama queens looking for offence around every corner.

    • well perhaps usage of this term is largely out of your age-range. I've heard many guys call a girl a slut for things she's done that weren't even sexual, but simply her exhibiting her confidence or whatever. &Even if no blatantly stated, it's a definite attitude that can be felt throughout society that a 'good woman' is to stay at home and in no less than a turtle-neck and full-length pants or she'll cease to be taken seriously or respected.

    • Yeah my age range is almost certainly a factor. Even in high school though it was almost unheard of and I'm not sure I've ever met more than a couple people who think the rest of what you said. Maybe where we each live is a factor I suppose? does seem like a whole bunch of bitching about something that is almost non existent to me though.

    • It's not really bitching. Just stating my point.

  • Honestly I think the whole thing is ridculious but people will think what people will think.

  • What's wrong with sleeping with a man your in a relationship with? A slut opens her legs for anybody. The town bike. Sleeping with your boyfriend is normal I'd have thought. Men shouldn't be nailing everything with a pulse either.

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