Sexual Relationships
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No Means No: It's Not Your Fault

As many of you know, the hashtag #metoo has blown up the internet lately.

No Means No: It's Not Your Fault

Before the Harvey Weinstein scandal took over the internet, a friend told me something. She informed me that as a child she was molested by her uncle. The molestation happened from 6 years old to 11 years old; every single time she'd go to his house. Both her parents worked, so she had to go there after school. He would put her down for a "nap," lay down next to her, and then touch her. Let me mention now, she's 15. She'll be 16 in November. I had noticed throughout the years she became more tense, quieter around the guys we hung out with. It made sense, her wariness. To have this happen as a young child is already scarring. What's even worse? She has to go see him for Christmas.

At 15, one of my best friends is completely and utterly afraid of all men.

No Means No: It's Not Your Fault

When did this happen? There are so many people stepping forward now. How can so many people fit in the shadows of society?

One of the main questions I had when she told me this was "why now?" But she cleared it up very quickly;

"I thought it was my fault." That has stuck with me through this entire thing. They think it's their fault; that they provoked the offender. Let me tell you something now:

It is not your fault. And I know, people are probably scrolling down to the comments to furiously type out a comment talking about how dumb I am, how I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't care what you wore, or where you were...there is something called consent. Unfortunately, some people don't understand that no means no.

No Means No: It's Not Your Fault

I saw the Pride and Prejudice play last weekend. One thing that stuck out to me was when Elizabeth Bennet's cousin proposed to her. She strictly declined...but he tried again, and again, trying to force this marriage. Although it was a humorous scene, I kind of grouped this scenario with the whole sexual assault issue. People force it again and again, even after the victim says no multiple times. Eventually, they give up.

One thing I've also seen is people describing what they wore when they were assaulted. Like they need to defend themselves. Do you understand these people, who maybe just convinced themselves it wasn't their fault, are actual people? That your comments may pull them back into thinking it was their fault? I cannot stress this enough: The clothes do not matter.

There are children who are fully aware of what is happening. A child I babysit asked me if I had ever sexually harrassed anyone. He's 8. He understands that a predator can be anyone, even the babysitter he's known for half a decade. We are raising children to live in fear so they will stay safe. And although that seems horrible, who is offering a better option?

I love you all. And although I can't say #metoo, I do say #Ibelieveyou.

5 6

Most Helpful Girl

  • I've been sexually abused (and screw the guy on here who claimed it made me damaged goods. Seriously, get a life) by my step father.
    Only happened twice, i decided after the second time that i didn't want to be one of those girls who are too afraid to come forward (nothing against them, i do fully understand why you dont. I just couldnt stand the idea of being that girl myself). So i told my mum what was happening.
    All she said was "are you sure you didn't dream it".

    she's still with the bastard. Theyre engaged and everything.

    And i can't repell the "what were you wearing" questions. I was wearing my pjs, short loose shorts and a singlet top with no bra.
    I can't claim that i said no or struggled, because i didn't.
    I can't say that he got what he deserved because he didn't. He works a high salary job, has a fiance, is loved by all of mums friends and has plenty of mates himself, he lives exactly the kind of life that he wants.
    I can say that i got a tearful apology from him that mum made me hear, that i promptly rolled my eyes at
    And that i can stand to be around him. Whenever i visit mum he's there, and i take great pleasure in being the laziest bitch i can, taking the piss out of him and making him fetch drinks for me or go buy me chocolate.

    I haven't forgiven him, but, he's going to be in my life until i either decide to press charges, or mum tires of him and ditches him, so I've moved past it.
    (Plus its been like 2 years, i struggle to hold grudges for a week)

    If anyone says theyve been raped or molested or sexually abused, believe them.
    That doesn't mean condemn the accusee, because for all you know, the victim COULD be lying, or confused. But dont disbelieve the victim or start telling them all they did wrong.
    And dont treat them any different.

    The one friend i confided in actually FORGOT what i had told her (almost a year later) and i started to get upset with her until i realised, thats how NOT a part of my identity that she considers what happened to me. Its so not important to how she sees me as a person and a friend that she forgot it even happened. I've never been more pleased to find out that somebody forgot something id told them. Without even realising it she had done EXACTLY what i needed from her.

    This is an incredibly loaded subject.

    • I am so so so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story with us <3

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What Girls & Guys Said

5 21

  • This take. <3 Thank you.

    • Thank YOU. <3

  • Sexual abuse to children is far, far more common than we realize.

  • I can get describing what they were wearing. It's hard to be taken seriously if you're parading yourself around acting like Miley Cyrus.

    But if you're not, and you're attacked from the bushes by a deranged lunatic who points a gun to your head and tells you to start sucking, then there is no reason to be judged, simply because you weren't strong enough or brave/crazy enough to attempt to be a hero instead.

    That being said, even if you're parading yourself around like Miley Cyrus, that doesn't excuse the deranged lunatic's actions either. It just means both parties are in the wrong. One has to answer to God and family. And maybe friends. The other, has to answer to all of society on top of it. And may he feel like the whole wide world is raining down on him.

    As for your friend with the weird uncle who went too far: that was not at all her fault. But hopefully, she can one day find the strength to forgive him. Because it's not the job of the law to do so. And if he hasn't learned anything by now, he's in for a world of hurt the next time he gets caught doing that to a child.

    Englewood as a totem pole. He'll be very near the bottom of it. Fogle learned that the hard way.

    • Unfortunately people still judge victims at gun-/knifepoint, often by asking what they were doing there, if it was late at night, that they should have started taking martial arts lessons a long time ago etc. Completely not understanding that hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy to sit and judge people over the internet when you've never been in a situation like that yourself. Being a victim of any sort of assault or harassment will always be difficult, regardless of the circumstances.

    • @lumos : It's also pretty ignorant to think that 1) everyone always has cash on hand to learn martial arts and 2) that basic classes will turn you into Bruce Lee. Unless both are true of you, you're not gonna be able to do much against a gun.

    • Exactly. Not only do you have to be extremely skilled, but you really have to be in the right headspace at all times in order to be able to fight off an attacker at any given moment. That's not something you "just do".

  • #METOO I went on a date with a guy i met on chatrooms (I was 17, it was the 90s, and I had never had a gay experience, but was feeling the urge to try). he was 27, had his own business and so on. we were chatting for more than 2 months at the time. we finally met at a shopping mall, had something to eat, and then got out to a pub. we had a few beers, I got way more tipsy than he did (later realized i was dosed) and then went to his apartment. right after he closed the dor he threw me over the couch's arm and undid my trousers. I remember saying that we had agreed that he'd first show me how things worked by being passive and then I''d let him fuck me (1st time, after all, is about trying it all out) but it wasn't very clearly spoken. he rammed me bareback until i bled, then finished off jerking on my face... he left me a towel to sit on, the same one i used to clear cum from my face, for a few minutes, dressed me up as best as he could, and shoved me out of his apartment. still screwed up in the head i kindda managed to get to the street, and sat there for i don't know how long. my family still doesn't know about it and i prefer it that way. aa

    • I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's terrifying, isn't it? But we all are here for you, your family included (probably--i don't know them obviously but I have a feeling they are), even if you don't feel comfortable telling them.

  • To all the men crying about us avoiding them:

    We are not saying all of you are bad. But the bad ones among you are just around you and they look just like you too. One cannot differentiate between a good person and a bad person. That's why we avoid all to be on the safe side.

    • Ok, and I'll avoid all women as well to be on the safe side as well. Got a doctor's appointment but she's a female? Ops, better cancel! And for the record, I LIVE with a rape victim and she's comfortable enough to sleep right next to me and trust me not to do anything.

    • @Juxtapose Understandable, if you do remain cautious. You don't necessarily need to cancel your appointment because of the doctor being female, but it is fine to watch your conduct and be conscious about the doctor's behavior. I do the same around male doctors and teachers. Nobody minds it, why should they? Not that I stay 100 miles away from them or keep fidgeting around them! I'm glad to know the person you live with is over her trauma and is living normally again.

    • I was actually just trying to make a point, I'm not cautious around women anymore than I am around other men. I put 11 years into a dojo, trained outside in the mud, snow, rain, etc so I'm pretty confident that the average man or woman couldn't overpower me and rape me in a straight fight. And my friend actually isn't over it unfortunately. I earned her trust but she was abused at an early age and for almost ten years. She'd be physically tortured while raped until she passed out. She'll never be whole, she'll always be damaged and if I could I'd throw her abusers into molten lava.

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  • I've been sexually abused before in high school by a classmate who tried to force me to give him head and then by a recent boyfriend who would call me names and threatened to cheat on me if I dared to never be in the mood. Had to get rid of him in May because I couldn't handle it anymore. But it amazes me how many people, especially straight males, are quick to dismiss sexually abuse or assault in anyway.

    • I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you could get rid of him, though. Thanks for sharing <3

    • A boyfriend threatening to cheat on you if you don't have sex with him is sexual abuse? lmao

    • @Agent When he's grabbing my breasts and trying to put my hand down his pants and trying to take my clothes off while saying it, yes. You aren't the brightest light on the Christmas tree, are you?

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  • #Metoo?
    Seriously? I think is being in the news for all the wrong reasons. People have now taken to social media to brand their own self righteous brand of 'justice'. The fact that whether the victim vouches for legal action against the perpetrator is secondary. Gone are the investigations and evidence filing, instead its a social media smear campaign.
    People hold on to the crime itself more than justice for it. Because that's their five minutes in the spotlight. They couldn't care less about rape and the victims. Because once the perpetrator is prosecuted and the public is appeased, they feel like their existence is diminished because suddenly all that attention they got, died.
    There hasn't been any positive outcome to the general populace rather than the roasting of that Hollywood Pig Weinstein. Its spectacle and that's all it will be. Social media is like hot air in a balloon, it has no substance to it, it means you'll never be alone but you'll always be lonely.

    • Wow, you understand nothing about this what so ever do you? This whole thing has given voices to people who have kept quiet this whole time because they blamed themselves for what happened, thought people would judge them/not believe them. It takes a lot of courage to open up about things like this, and the more people that do the easier it is for them to do it. And the whole thing has nothing to do with attention, it has to do with not bottling it in and reassuring people that they're not the only ones suffering. And as a victim of rape myself it honestly feels so much better when you feel like you're not alone and find people who understand your situation. As for persecution, some have tried and failed, many don't have enough evidence, some have people protecting the rapist, in my case he's not even in my current country, anyway list of reasons goes on. So the only sense of comfort I have is connecting with others who have been through the same or/and just simply being believed.

    • @Rainie_ you said that better than I ever could ;). As for @Chief16, sexual assault is not a spectacle. This is very serious and it's honestly worrying me that you can't see that. Yes, people do hold on to the fact that some one just raped another person because that is horrible and terrifying. They do try to find justice, but just like Rainie said, it sometimes fails. You said that "People hold on to the crime itself more than justice for it. Because that's their five minutes in the spotlight. They couldn't care less about rape and the victims. Because once the perpetrator is prosecuted and the public is appeased, they feel like their existence is diminished because suddenly all that attention they got, died. " I can't agree with this for multiple reasons. First, do you actually think people use these terrible experiences so they can be put in the news? The reason they are in the news is because what happened is terrible and they want to help other people who have similar things...

    • ... happen to them. The thing that's really angering me is where you said they couldn't care less about rape and the victims. This whole #metoo movement is supporting the victims! How are they not caring? People are getting still getting justice even though we don't hear about it on the news. Just because it doesn't come up in your Instagram feed doesn't mean they are currently working on giving the offender what they deserve.

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  • How dare you!!! How dare you!!! You may not tell me that I can't look at my situation and say "I could have done this, or I could have done that and not have what happened to me, happen to me!!!" You have taken the control I have away by the fact that you say "It is not your fault" Of course I could have done something, I could never have gotten into a car with a stranger, I could have never let her put handcuffs on me, I could have told someone about it afterwords... By telling people that it's completely the fault of the perpetrator, you rob the victim of their agency, their ability to prevent it from happening again. I need that, and I feel that for many victims they need it as well, don't take that away from us.

    • I'm not saying you can't say that. I'm talking to the people who had no control over the situation.

  • Once a Canebrake Rattler grabbed my leg, but I smacked the sum bitch with a shovel, scary thing is I was yelling "you don't have me consent" but it still came after me. #metoo #rattlersarerapeist #shoveljustice

  • Rape, like bear attacks and car accidents happen. Protect yourself. You're doing nobody any favors with these stupid campaigns teaching women to forgo common sense in lieu of "RAWR! Someone else is responsible for my safety!" You're all being duped into forgoing your own sovereignty and freedom for security... that's usually too late. You'll be like the Brits hiding under tables waiting for the police to arrive because you've been neutered and disarmed for SO long you genuinely forgot how to fight back. *insert cliche of two brits slapping at each other here* Seriously WHAT. THE. FUCK. happened to the 90's? You couldn't go two blocks without seeing an ad for women's self defense class, gun store with a sale for women, tasers, knives, you name it. Now? "teach men not to rape." "Taking precautions is victim blaming!" Like bitch if that dumbassery was effective we wouldn't be having this 10,000 year old conversation now would we?

    Channel your inner J. Lo, Olivia Benson, Lifetime Movie, strong independent woman and defend yourselves.

    • It's illegal to own handguns in Canada. Also illegal to own tasers. Bear spray for the purpose of using it on another person. Hide a knife in your purse. Essentially any concealed tool that may be used to inflict bodily harm is illegal here. But funny enough I can walk around with a machete, khukuri, sword or bayonet as long as they aren't concealed. But who in the world does that?

    • @Nyx_85 "But who in the world does that?" People serious about personal defense maybe? My ex told me pepper spray, PEPPER SPRAY is illegal in her country. After you've BANNED pepper spray, I think those crazy Americans have a point. Although we're pretty jealous of your import laws concerning Russian weapons. You guys never had 922(r) compliance laws wherein this gun needs to have _____ number of American made parts, must be in ____ configuration blah blah blah so you guys have REALLY NICE guns for dirt cheap.

    • "People serious about personal defense maybe?" Yeah but I honestly don't think they would go with any of my outfits... Still not legally allowed to carry guns in public though.

  • People can be disgusting sometimes. I'll pray that your friend grows up loving men, not fearing them.

    • Thank you, I really appreciate that :)

  • Yup! So many grown men these days are predators and pedophiles. The trait is popular in Hollywood and in the highest offices of government and, as we all know, a fish rots from the head down.

    If I ever have a daughter I'll teach her the facts about predators and I'll also show her how to do the "groin pull" move before she enters middle school. These things happen because fathers fail to educate there daughters about the realities of life.

    • Exactly

  • #Ibelieveyou can go fu** itself. Innocent until proven guilty, ALWAYS.

    And women DO need to take responsibility for their safety. The police can't stop every rapist, thief, killer, etc. It's a dangerous world out there, arm yourself or take Martial Arts classes.

    I've studied Martial Arts for 11 years to learn techniques to defend myself. What have all these whining women done besides talk and point fingers?

    • Innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, yes. But if a friend of you came forward and told you about a traumatic event, without dropping any specific names or even dates/times, would you honestly sit there and tell them that they can go fuck themselves?

    • a friend of yours*

    • @lumos No, of course I wouldn't, that'd be absurd. I trust my friends but luckily for the people they accuse I'm not the judge, jury and executioner. Literally all my closest friends have a terrible past and there's a lot of people who wronged them that I'd throw into molten lava. But I'm glad you clarified "innocent until proven guilty in a court of law." I just wish people merely accused of wrong doings wouldn't be fired, shamed, etc BEFORE being proven guilty.

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  • #Ibelieveyou

    https://youtu.be/VrAwP79Dmn8https://youtu.be/gznZPCyAIkg



    Sorry this has happened to your friend, well anyone really.

    This more for us adults.

    https://youtu.be/db_5xxfgwfE



    I know the clips are UK based but they will be help in other places.

  • Hate me if you want but I don't believe every single woman or guy who came out against these celebrities were sexually assaulted by them and they are looking for some type of compensation. Nonetheless, there are some people who have truly been sexually assaulted and harassed such as your friend. But... now that she has told you, what are you both going to do about it? Because these hashtags don't really do shit.

    • I understand where you're coming from. The hashtags just raise awareness, its us who have to take action. I, for one, am helping her work up the courage to claim her story, to help others.

  • I told her no multiple times. Sadly, my parents didn't teach me persistence in this.

  • let me share a story of my friend with you :
    I have a this friend, not a tough guy nor big or strong, he met a girl at college, (Well we both did) she invited him over, after some hanging out at her place she took him to her room, and slept in the nude next to him, next morning she got dressed and was telling him how she does not do that (ONS) and he shouldn't expect anything from her cause it ain't gonna happen, and less than a minute later she was giving him a handy and letting him suck on her tits... now she's his friends with benefits.

    moral of the story : Women do not want to appear like sluts but a no is not always a no...

    with that being said 99% of men (including me and i have in the past) will not try to force a woman who says no to do anything, the remaining 1% usually either go to jail or get beaten by other guys for raping a girl.

    so get out of the bubble you live in and move on stop playing the victim when thousands of girls say no open their legs a moment later for the same guy they "rejected" .

  • wha, cool story bro, never heard b4

  • Just castrate sex offenders.. that would solve the problem

  • #METOO. It's happened to me a few times at college when I was too drunk to consent, then there was one girl who pestered me until I had sex with her. It's also pretty bad in the workplace to, I blame the diet coke ads for normalizing women sexually harrassing men in the work place.
    For some reason there's a double standard that makes it ok for women to sexually harrass and rape men. When a teacher rapes her student she gets 3 months suspended sentence and gets on a talk show.

    No Means No: It's Not Your FaultNo Means No: It's Not Your Fault

    • Well, you shouldn't got drunk

    • @zzzondarrr that's what they said... victim blaming

    • Thanks for sharing your story <3

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