Sexual Relationships
+1 y

"Using" Someone For Sex and "Players" DO NOT EXIST, People

This is my first myTake, so if I miss something or leave out anything pertinent, forgive me. I don't think it'll be particularly long.

I spend a lot of time on this site as some of you may have noticed; I think it's fascinating to regard peoples' different opinions on life, the universe, and everything in it (mostly sex, hormones, romantic aspirations, physical attraction, and all related matters), whether they have any logical or substantive reasons to think the things they do, or not.

Often in topics related to romance, specifically the questions written by a female perspective, I see examples similar to "Why is he doing X to me?" or "Why is he acting X way?" The question always seems to verge into the banal and ordinary at first with "Things have been going well" but (there's always a but), "but why is he suddenly acting X way like he doesn't like me any more?" And then, inevitably, as sure as the sun rises...

"...Is he just using me for sex?"

Now, this very, very rarely occurs with a guy talking about a girl in the same fashion in a comparable post. But in the *thousands of posts* I've viewed and commented on in my time on GaG, I've noticed it... four or five times? So this is indeed a girl-ranting-about-guy-behavior sexual topic, and THAT is something I notice every single day at least two or three times.

^ So why did I post that pic? Why an eye roll? Why is the concept of "using me for sex" or "using you for sex" or "using" ANYone for sex, to quote @Mllecake, "lowball ass-chatter?" Well here's why: You can't have your cake and eat it too. What is "using" someone for sex? Simple: We call it sexual assault. If it isn't sexual assault, there's no "using" taking place. If a girl willingly has sex with a guy, even several times, then she is doing it because she wants to; she cannot then later claim that the guy is using her or used her just because things don't go well, or she didn't get out of him *after the fact* something that she wanted from him. And if she doesn't want to have sex with him, then she shouldn't fucking have sex with him-- it's really very simple.

So what is desired, in these cases? Oftentimes, that something is a relationship. Monogamous commitment. Or perhaps even an engagement, if they've been together for a while. In reference to the "friend zone," which many girls pooh-pooh as an immature concept because it's not something they usually have to deal with, a paraphrased popular narrative is "A girl is not a person that you drop enough friend coins into and then eventually you are granted sex." And I agree-- that mostly makes sense, right? It's a heavy dilution of a sensitive topic for lots of guys, but succinctly summarized, it's pretty much true, yes? So then a guy is also not a person that you drop enough sex coins into and you are then eventually (or immediately) granted a relationship or "something more" or marriage or Come-meet-my-mom-and-all-my-friends.

A truth in this life is that everyone has the right to self-determination as long as you're not hurting someone else; a person is allowed to be sure of themselves, and *own* themselves, and their body is theirs and no one else's. No one has the right to rescind that (outside of imprisoning people for violent crimes or whatever). No one has the right to physically or violently violate your body, your wholeness, without significant cause. Your "body is a temple," for lack of a better phrase. This is a popular narrative in feminism, and it should be, because it's true. So then, people are capable of making their own decisions about their own bodies, yes? Including girls/ladies/females/women? Obviously yes? Since they're, you know, people? So then how can so many girls clearly make the decision to do with their bodies what they *choose* to do, and *want* to do, and then later hypocritically ask why, or claim that, the guy is using them for sex? Which is it? Which way do you want it?

The term "use" implies that a person is doing something with an object of some kind that they are in control of and the other thing isn't-- you use a hammer to drive in a nail. You use a car to get from point A to point B. You use sunglasses to shade your eyes. You use a girl to orgasm. ....One of those is not like the others. I'll let you guess: Which is it?

Sometimes, some girls make much pomp and circumstance about being objectified by guys, and how that's immoral... or something (even though other girls in equal numbers seem to actually enjoy being objectified/lusted after-- in a safe fashion of course-- judging by everything seen on GaG). How far are we going to take this drivel? What, if he really really enjoyed the sex then he used her? Or if he didn't, it was using? Or if she really liked it, it was using her? Or if she didn't like it that much, it was using her? Or something? Or if he didn't text her for two or three days after, it was "using?" He's a "player?" Please... spare us. It's nonsense. It's absurd. It's ridiculous.

This Take is also directed to all the guys (the sheeply plethora that I've seen, sadly) who stupidly push the same narrative in attempts to be supportive of the girls who make these posts. Examples include the same thing: "Yeah he sucks, he doesn't deserve you," "he sounds like an asshole," etc. Bro... *you* sound like a complete fool. I get WHY you are saying these things-- like I already said, you want to be supportive! Girl is upset-- back girl up! Make her feel better! Give her an online hug! Come to her rescue! There's nothing wrong with that, right? Supporting others, being sympathetic, is a good thing in the big scheme of life. Unless of course... the cause you're supporting is a foolish, illogical one.

This is very, very, very simple: If she wants to have sex with the dude, then fine. If she doesn't, she doesn't. She can't then basically get buyer's remorse for not getting a label or a ring. I mean, she CAN, but then that makes her exactly one thing-- a hypocrite.

And once you've become a hypocrite, your opinion is worthless. You lose.

8 8

Most Helpful Girl

  • Some of it is true. But this all comes down to the different point of view men and women in the case of sex.
    Men believe that you don't have to love someone and want to be in a relationship with them to have sex. Sex is sex. Deal is done and closed. We both enjoyed. We can move on.
    But women believe that you do not make any move towards or have sex with someone unless you feel connected with them enough to at least start a relationship. You don't share bodies unless you share thoughts and feelings and have a sense of commitment.
    Hence, these different points of view create the concept of being used.
    When a guy PRETENDS to want to be in a relationship with a girl, only to satisfy his sexual urges without the intent of a relationship, that means he is deliberately deceiving the girl. And when she finds out, naturally she is going to get upset.
    (And yes, lots of girls believe in love at first sight and an instant connection. Just like as a guy you can tell right off the bat if another guy doesn't share your interests and so will not be suitable best buddy material or will be.)
    It's the same as a business scam. You pretend to be able to and want to offer services to someone, and sign a fake contract, but after receiving money from them, you fail to deliver.
    Girls don't want a relationship out of sex. They want sex with someone they are in a relationship with. So if a girl has sex with a guy, she is definitely assuming he wants a relationship with her too.

    • If you're curious about the reason: Because the meaning of sex is completely different for girls. Girls don't have sex just based on an urge to "sow their seed". In the days before contraception, sex for a girl meant a good chance of getting pregnant and having a baby. It still does on an instinctive level, because our bodies are still unaware of the existence of contraception, so we are still hardwired to respond the same way. And having a baby requires support, which leads them only to have sex with someone they think is willing to be in a relationship with them.

    • Cool, all that means is that she was deceiving him too if she has sex with him under the guise of "yeah I'm cool with it, I don't want a relationship right now, we'll see where things go" or whatever, that they both would tell each other prior to jumping in the sack, when really in the front of her mind she's thinking that she really wants a relationship or marriage out of the guy. That is also deception, based on what you just said. It's the same as a business scam. That was easy, wasn't it? Except, it's not, because that's absurd, as I said in my post. You are responsible for your own decisions, as is everyone. I get where you're coming from, and you're not entirely misguided here, but you've completely ignored the "deception" (since you want to use that word) of the girl aimed toward the guy, then.

    • Okay. Agreed. The other way around is true too.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Guy

  • good points on this one. I feel like at this point internet has given us a curse and those are to hear all the nonsense people make up in their minds.

    "So then a guy is also not a person that you drop enough sex coins into and you are then eventually (or immediately) granted a relationship"

    this could demolish girls views on friendzoning guys dude that just reminded me of ShoeOnHeads phrase with nice guy points

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

35 33

  • I think most girls that ask such questions actually mean “exploit”, which ultimately means a guy would “make use” of them in an unfair way. (Semantics)

    Of course this can only happen if a girl lays down her cards: saying she is looking for a long term relationship and perhaps marriage, and the guy solemnly agrees BUT does not stick to such a promise and leaves right after sex.
    Being exploited doesn’t happen to one gender only either (a girl going along with sex but silently hoping for marriage and then being upset if she doesn’t get it, is banal as well).

    I do believe people have the right to be upset if they are cheated and lied to. You cannot use cold logic with people, because feelings cannot be avoided just like that. I’d be concerned if you tell me you don’t get upset if someone lies to you about something you care about (sure you can get over it, but the fact is, you’re still gonna be upset).


    Furthermore, answering a girls (or guys) question about whether she is being used simply by stating: “you’re not being used, that concept does not exist”, is just as banal. You mentioned that it’s all our choice, and I agree that it is. However, perhaps it would be more helpful to guide people to spot deception, rather than allowing themselves to get burned thanks to a silly choice that could have been prevented?

    Relationships are difficult especially thanks to the emotional aspect, that often does not involve outright logic; if it did, everyone would be emotionally (concerning romance) happy right now. Spouting out such logic might help people understand a concept better, but it sure won’t make them feel any better :3

    This is just my grain of salt concerning feelings, and perhaps I even missed the point :3

    • What a wise statement.

    • There's a lot of truth in this, but just as a point of conversation, isn't saying "well, but my emotions" kind of an easy way out for... anything, then? I mean, I'm a guy and I have emotions too; can't I just as easily simply say "My emotions as a guy are telling me to have sex with whoever, and say whatever I can in order to make that happen?" I doubt you'd be as forgiving in that case. Isn't what you've said just a more involved explanation of "You're a bad guy because I want a relationship and you don't?" Even though it's a case of plenty of consensual sex going around?

    • He's only a bad guy if he's lying or also trying to eat his cake and have it too (which is actually the correct way to say this phrase, by the way.) No one is a bad guy if they are honest.

    • Show All

  • Bullshit bullshit bullshit. I've used a guy or two for sex. They enjoyed it. I was never dishonest, but i had a end game in mind that didn't involve us being together. Regardless if they loved me I wasn't going to end up with them. I suppose i regret that all now that I'm older and more mature. I wish I would have been less physically interested and been more kind.

    The bottom line is no one DESERVES to be treated this way. You can say they aren't victims and i do agree after a trauma (being dumped etc.) we must look within our selves to change, because regardless who's at fault we can't change others.

    Still, if we are to accept your argument, non of us should be having sex until we are matried. Because according to you its the only way to ensure one has this intent and will not be disingenuos.

    Sadly, some people do in fact date people for many months and woo them and say i love you and tell the other they are exclusive just to have sex with that person and then ghost them. So how would you personally define getting to know someone? Just because youve met their folks or even child doesn't. ean they care about you. They could just be a sociopath.

    • Guys don't get used for sex. None of us should be having sex until we're married? Where on Earth are you getting that from? That's not the point of the Take or my discussion at all. Did you read it?

    • They do. And then they tell you they love you and can't live without you. And as a woman you have no intention of actually dating them. And then they start crying. Sad. But true. Actual men do do this. If you think they dont its probably only because you and your friends are ysed to dating beliw your station. And no. I dont think waiting for marriage is the right answer. But you can't have it both ways. If you insist a woman can't be duped and must be responsible for said lies if what she wants is a ring on her finger, then according to this logic the only way to be certain would be to wait til then to have sex. Because people have already mentioned here that they've dated people for many months and finally had sex only to be dumped. So that means they didn't know them well enough according to you. I'm trying to find a point where one can be ASSURED they know the person. Otherwise deceit needs to considered. But youve said in comments it is the fault of the person that was lied to

    • No, what I'm saying is that if that is her end game, "by the way I'm going to want a ring on my finger in about a year if we have sex tonight," then that's what she needs to be up front about before they do it. Except... that's pretty ridiculous isn't it? No one is going to do that. And yet, since that's what you're suggesting basically all girls want, you're also suggesting that guys basically can't win. AND the girls can't win. No one wins. Everyone loses.

  • I read this ready to be wound up, type half a half ranty comment, delete it, close the screen and go do something else, but it's actually a well written take!

    Two things I will say though;
    1) Me and mine have always deemed "players" as chaps who play the field, I guess the male equivalent of the usually used on girls, slut rather than a man who plays games.

    2) I do think there is genuinely a lot of deception in dating, and there is a mixture (from both sides) of one leading the other on, and foolish people thinking that sex is a sure fire way to romantic intimacy rather than just waheyyy *intimacy*. There are relationships where there are a lot of manipulation, and "used for sex" goes one of two ways like you said- either it was people who have had something that hasn't worked out how they want, or, and far more seriously they have been persuaded, or pressured into sex when they didn't want it and promised and outcome- that is definitely assault and manipulation- and unfortunately sometimes that is downplayed, and that's when people do need to say "he sounds like a dick stay away" among some more serious advice where required.

    • Not sure I'm ENTIREly following you, but I get the general gist. Thanks for reading.

  • Good mytake, I don't agree completely with you though. There are people who use other people and I'm not saying that this is always the case, but you can't say either that it's never the case. There are many people that I've known that the guy or the girl completely lies to a person about their wants and needs or intentions and get away with what they want and leave the person alone and confused. Maybe for you that isn't a reality but for other's it is. Someone doesn't have to rape you to make you feel cheap or used.

    Also a guy isn't a player because he didn't text you for a few days... What makes someone a player is that they string more than one person along (i. e have sex or intimacy) which in turn makes all the other people that he's string along feel used. How would you feel if you found out that the girl that you're seeing/sleeping with was sleeping with three or four other guys? Cheap? Deceived? Used? Yeah, my thoughts exactly. You can't say that Players don't exist because they do, maybe some people's definition of player is off but truth be told they definitely exist and they can definitely use someone for sex, they don't even bother learning the girl or guy's name.

    I do agree with you that the term player is over used and wrongfully used in most cases, but not all.

    • Actually, I'd mostly think "good, means she can't say shit about me going out and getting another girlfriend too."

    • Lmfao, what has wrecked your love life to make you so bitter and detached? If you truly feel for someone and that happens to you, your first thought isn't about how you can go out and fuck the next person you see. If you truly have feelings for a person what they do affects you, it makes you think, it matters to you. I doubt that if it happened in real life your first thought would be about how you could go and get another girlfriend without looking like the cheating asshole one in the relationship...

    • @simplyrandomgirl This is exactly right. The poor guy is clearly inexperienced.

  • This implies that people are never deceptive with each other when wooing though.

    • True, but everyone is responsible for their own actions regardless. If you don't want to be "used" for sex, then keep an eye out for signs that that's all he wants you for. Ignorance is not an excuse, and both men and women lie like sacks of shit to get what they want, so the burden is on all of us as individuals. You're responsible for you own decisions.

    • @Kiran04 I think responsibility shifts a little when there's deception involved. But I basically agree with you. I think women and men need to get smart about what they're agreeing to - ask enough questions that they know what they're getting into.

    • You can make that argument, but it's a small consolation for people who get deceived. The best and only defense for that is to be constantly vigilant for deception. It's against the law to shoot people, but that doesn't really make shooting victims feel any better. I'm sure if you asked any one of them if they could have done something to not get shot, would they have, they'll all tell you "yes".

    • Show All

  • Good my take and represents part of the reason I take so many months to be sexual with a man I’m interested in.

    • That's... not the point of the Take really, but thank you.

    • Yes but it does make sense. No confusion if somebody just wanting you for sex if they gotta wait all that time they’d move on. Just a piece that’s good about it

  • I think it's got more to do with someone using deceptive mean or manipulation to get sex from someone, which is still bad.

    • Like what?

  • I AGREE if you had sex willingly you wanted it and are not used. But what people usually say when I ooont that out is they mean the guy or women lied and pretended to want more. OK. Then they are a scoundrel bc they lies. STILL you had sex bc you wanted to no one used you fir sex.

    Good rule of thumb. If you feel like you are or coujd be being used for sex then you are not having sex for the right reasons of right person- so don’t. If you want sex have it if you dont don’t. No one used you. It’s honestly a really demeaning way of talking about yourself as if you’re an inatimate object with no actual agency. It makes you look bad not the “user” bc they wanted sex and they had sex. Wtf were you doing there.

    Same with the emotional tampon thing. Friends care about each other if you feel like fru ndahip is using you you’re not really interested in friendship with that iersin so get out. No one tamooned you 🙄

    • Lots of misspellings but I get you. I think you're right.

    • Oh yes I see.. I’ll coorrct later. Was on the move while typing didn’t notice 😁

    • Friendship Person Tamooned - I kind of like that new wOrr 😉

  • Dude, I don't know about any of that, but I know of one thing: Of course players exist. I'm a player myself! A Super Player™! 8)

    "Using" Someone For Sex and "Players" DO NOT EXIST, People

    • Yep. Couldn't have said it any better. ^ This is the only appropriate use of "player."

  • i liked this... you defended your point well in the comments... i think this is my favorite "mytake" so far...

  • Sorry, I didn't read the whole thing, but I read enough for me. Yes, I totally agree that if women don't want to be used for sex, then don't give it up so soon or so easily! Make him earn it and in the meantime, develop and grow your relationship.

    • Well uh... that wasn't exactly my point at all, mate. Maybe you could reread it. My point is there is no such thing as being used for sex. I mean, it's kind of right there in the title.

    • Yeah, I got it. You are not understanding me.

  • Good points! In short own up to your actions without regret. Another myTake about regret and how woman feel after sex should be followed up with.

  • I kinda agree, but also disagree.

    Women who are giving sex expecting a relationship need to stop and reevaluate how *most* successful relationships work. Men who just become doormats and expect for the woman to be interested, aka the friendzoned guy, needs to stop complaining about doing so much but getting so little. I have male and female friends and I hear both problems.
    They both need to reevaluate why they aren't in relationships yet, and instead of bitching about evil men or women, try a different game plan.

    Still, I don't agree that there aren't players and that you can't use someone for sex. There are players, if someone is deceiving their intentions just to get sexual favors, that's a player. Player =/= promiscuous guy. So it's not the same as a slut, many people confuse the two.
    And lots of women use men for "relationship" needs, without being in a relationship with the poor guy. I'm not saying all friendzoned are there because of intentionally deceitful women, but many are. They are waiting for "Mr. Right", but hate being single, so they let that awkward guy take her out on dates, get her gifts, etc all just to say "you're such a great friend". Making him feel there might be more, but pulling back every time.

    I feel empathy initially, for both the chicks used for sex, and the men used for emotional or ego strokes; but after them continuously walking into the trap, I just can't help but get annoyed. If you get fooled once or a few times, fine. We're human. But if you continue, get a fucking grip already.

    • Can't say I entirely agree, but you make some fair points.

    • You as well :)

  • You're speaking from a very personal point of view. It's not an absolute truth to take or leave. Relationships are much more complex than that, and you can't speak for everybody.
    There are guys who only look for sex just like there are guys who search relentlessly for a deep connection they crave. And there are girls who only want to play, just like there are serious ones who look for more.
    We are human-beings, we are imperfect and we make mistakes. We connect with others, we build trust in them, we love then they have the power to disapoint us if they failed to preserve the connection. Players exist, anybody who would say the right things, bring out your most delicate parts and the best of you, only for self-satisfaction, you'll realize painfully they could've spared you the trouble.

  • How does being responsible for your own body and actions then change the motives of another person?

    I've fucked someone I didn't like because he was good in bed. That was the sole reason for having sex. Not sure if you need acquainting with a dictionary or not...

    • You fucked him? Not, he fucked you? He must have been into some kinky stuff then. Anyway, what is this "motives" stuff? Presumably the motive when you're having sex with someone is that you want to have sex with them. If there's any other motive you have that you're leaving out (i. e., that in a few weeks or whatever you expect him to automatically become your boyfriend or S. O.) during the act, then that's on you, not the other party.

    • Yeah, that's what I'm saying - I used him for sex... not sure how you got confused there. And yeah, I am into some kinky stuff but that's neither here nor there. Fucking is having sex in my book. We fucked. I fucked him, he fucked me.

    • ... It's not. If a dude fingers you, you're saying you're also fingering him, even though his finger is inside you? You're the one being penetrated, but the fingering is somehow mutual? Weird. Anyway, no, you didn't use him for sex. Using him implies that he was somehow unhappy after the fact that you both had sex because it didn't get him something he wanted, like a relationship or something. Is that what happened? Because if not, you didn't use him.

    • Show All

  • If you clearly want someone for sex and you know they want something more but you play along with it and lead them on, then it is using them.

    • Did they have sex with you willingly because they wanted to? And where is all this "what about lying?" stuff coming from in the comments section? Is this post about lying? People act like thinking you want a relationship and then deciding later on your don't is like lying about 9/11 or something. It makes NO sense.

  • So if a guy lies to a girl and says that he wants to marry her, and they have sex, and then he says "AMF, good pussy but I'm outta here!" then it's her fault that she has been hurt?

    • Did she want to have sex with him?

    • Yes, but only because she thought that he wanted to marry her.

    • Your position is that his behavior therefore, in what is realistically a very narrow example that likely doesn't happen very much, is shitty. In your example, I agree, his behavior is shitty. That doesn't mean anyone was used. She wanted to have sex with him. It is still her decision to do so. Once she realizes he doesn't want to marry her, if that is the only thing on her mind (except it's not, because she also wanted to have sex with him), then she can block his number and never talk to him again, if that's what she wants. Will she *feel* used? Yes, sure, and she wasn't. She decided to have sex with him. No one made her. He could just as easily say that he feels used because she expected marriage from him (or he wouldn't have said he wanted to marry her if he actually didn't), and he didn't want that. Except that would also be equally absurd, since no one forced him to say that he wanted to marry her. He may have felt trapped, and so may have she, but that doesn't mean "use" happened

    • Show All

  • I have to disagree. There are truly players (have seen and known some myself) and people do get used for sex (not always unwillingly and sometimes they're only bothered after the fact because they expected more from the bargain than the sexual act itself, e. g., a relationship).

    • Uh... okay man well the problem with ^ what you just said is that you didn't actually say anything. You didn't provide examples or make a discussion or an argument. So once you do that, maybe we'll listen.

    • @Logorithim Still waiting.

    • I agree with you. The guy didn't get the point onf being JERK. If you want only to get laid why didn't say it before. Would I date with you and spend time with you if I know you only want sex with me? No. So for this guy if (who is very practical) If a sign says free food for peacock only. And you go inside disguise as peacock the person hand you the food. Did you did the right thing, just because he handed you willingly? No. You cheated, he was fool to not recognize you put you're a bad person. This is not for you. So some girls want to have sex but It's Only with a special guy. Will I be turned on if you want one night stand? No, I will show you the door. If you choose me over every other girl I will give you something? Then it's not for the guy who didn't choose me over everyone. The simple answer to does I want to have sex too? The simple answer is No. I don't want to have sex with you. I only want to have sex with good guys who like me for not just my body

    • Show All

  • "What is "using" someone for sex?"

    Lying about what your intentions are, pretending to want a relationship when all you want is sex, in order to convince someone who wants more than a purely sexual relationship to have sex with you.

    It's not that difficult to grasp, you daft panda.

    • What's difficult to grasp is not agreeing with the point that you, or anyone, are responsible for your own actions. Don't have sex with the person if you don't like them. Daft lizard. Or monkey. Or shark. Lol "daft panda" what are you on?

    • Lol, eat a bag of dicks. If you deceive someone, it's because you're a piece of shit, not because they deserve it. Fuck outta here with that devil's advocate horseshit, 'cause there's no way you're really that fucking stupid.

    • You must be highly educated. I can't compare to that level of verbal or written sparring expertise. You have slain me. ... Just kidding. You're a dumbass.

  • Not at all women know that he's lying to them though, and some guys say those 3 little words just to have sex with her, and then leaving her afterward. Maybe that happens more often than we'd like to admit. If that's not using her, I don't know what is.

    On another note, I really like your post. It's well-written, your thoughts are clear and your points are made. I also like your direction, but it's a little bit too black and white. Life is more nuanced than that.

    Interesting myTake 👍

    • Life is indeed nuanced.

    • I would think if a girl were stupid enough to accept an I Love You after so little time and believed it enough to instantly jump in bed with him, she still is responsible for her thoughts and actions. She deserves to feel that way, although she needs to realize she still chose it. Therefore, she should not feel used. I made a conscious choice to sleep with the guy I’m seeing after 3 days. I have never before gotten into bed with a man before a month and it has never taken an I Love You. I’m not sure I believe you can fall in love that quickly. Everything is amazing right now and I’m comfortable and open and all my skeletons have come out. And he’s still here. So yes I took a HUGE risk jumping into bed with this man after 3 days of knowing him and a 2-days-straight-in-bed-sleepover binge of Stranger Things, but it was worth the risk. And even if it hadn’t been, even if I had never heard from him again, so chose to take it to that step. MY RESPONSIBILITY

    • @AnberlinCanucks Pretty much. Yep. Well said.

    • Show All
  • Show More (48)
Home >  Sexual Relationships  > "Using" Someone For Sex and "Players" DO NOT EXIST, People