Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
We have all read countless posts, usually from girls, briefly describing some encounter that they had with a guy which stopped short of penis-in-vagina intercourse. The post always concludes with the question, “Am I still a virgin?”
I often reply that the answer depends entirely on how you define “virgin.” That answer is valid but I am not sure that it is always understood, so this myTake will elaborate on the concept of “virginity.”
What is virginity and why is it important?
(This myTake is not intended to be a defense of the Bible or an in-depth explanation of such passages. I am only illustrating the long established reverence for virginity in religions.) Virginity is emphasized in the Bible as a necessary condition for a woman to be considered as a prospective wife. There are passages in the Bible which suggest that women who are discovered to be not virgins should be stoned to death. However, if a person is widowed and remarries, and therefore probably is not a virgin, there is no Biblical prohibition against a widow or widower remarrying. More likely, the concept of virginity is simply an application of the broader rule against sex outside of marriage.
In Judaism, like Christianity, premarital sex is forbidden. Virginity is treated similarly in the Islamic religion.
In the Hindu faith, virginity on the part of the bride is considered ideal. The common Hindu marriage ceremony focuses on the “Kanyadan” ritual, which literally means “gift of a virgin,” by the father of the bride.
Buddhism implores its adherents to “not get sexually involved with those who are protected by their mothers, their fathers, their brothers, their sisters, their relatives, or their Dhamma; those with husbands, those who entail punishments, or even those crowned with flowers by another man.” Unlike other major religions, this fall somewhat short of a clear and explicit command requiring virginity until marriage.
Aside from religious precepts, until recently, there has been an almost universal cultural value placed on a female being a virgin at marriage. In many places, a man who takes a woman’s virginity before marriage may be required to pay the woman or her father damages for the loss of her virginity. Those laws are based on the traditions of men paying a price to the fathers of their brides and the price is often based on the bride’s perceived value; obviously, a virgin bride commands a higher price.
A 65 year old groom and 12 year old bride posing for wedding pictures (actually a staged event for the purpose of a social psychology study)
Until the last century, girls quite frequently married at the age of 12-14. This made it more likely that the bride would still be a virgin.
Isn’t the concept of virginity sexist?
Yes, those who place a value of the virginity of a bride rarely or never have concern whether the groom is a virgin. In fact, some value is often placed on the groom not being a virgin. “After all, one of them needs to know what they are doing, right?” I am not suggesting that this is a satisfactory justification for maintaining a double standard. I am just observing that it is the most common justification offered.
Why is virginity important?
The importance of virginity developed during a historical era in which women were treated as second-class citizens, they were not “supposed to” enjoy sex, and they were treated as property of their husband. Therefore, most of the discussion of virginity is heavily influenced by such outdated concepts.
From the perspective of a man, a virgin bride means that his wife will have nothing with which to compare him. The virgin bride may think that her husband’s 4 inch penis is huge. She may think that missionary position is the only position in which people ever have intercourse and therefore she may be quite content with what others would consider to be extraordinarily vanilla sex.
If a woman is satisfied with what she is getting at home, she is less likely to consider the possibility of looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. This is not a contrived justification. A study published in 1991 in the Journal of Marriage and the Family found that “women who were sexually active before marriage faced a considerably higher risk of marital disruption [separation and divorce] than women who were virgin brides.” When controlling for other variables, the researchers concluded that it was not virginity per se which insulated virgins from marital disruptions, but it was the more general characteristic of being unwilling to break social norms.
Why is virginity important to you?
If you are a girl and you want to be able to tell your parents that you are still a virgin, you will probably want to choose a definition that allows you as much latitude as possible. If being a virgin simply means that you have not had penile-vaginal penetrative sex, then you are free to give and receive oral sex, “hands jobs,” and anal sex. You can offer proof that you still have an intact hymen and your virginity is established beyond doubt.
If you are a man looking for a woman who is innocent and naïve about sex, who can be molded into your idea of a perfect and submissive bride, you probably want to define “virgin” in a restrictive sense, so that any sexual activity would be considered as a loss of virginity.
If you are a victim of a sexual assault that resulted in penile-vaginal penetration, you want to feel that you have not lost your virginity and you probably want to define virginity in a way that focuses on voluntary actions and not activities done under duress or threat of force.
Do you define virgin as a female with an intact hymen?
If you define virgin as someone who has an intact hymen, there are some problems that you must address:
1. Some girls are born without a hymen (although some believe that every girl is born with a hymen but some girls have their hymen ruptured at an early age through non-sexual force.)
2. If a previously chaste girl has been the victim of a sexual assault, she no longer has a hymen. Is she not a virgin?
3. If girl has an intact hymen but has a reputation for being the blow job queen of your village, are you confident in calling her a virgin?
4. If a girl has never had sex with another person but ruptured her hymen by using a vibrator, is she still a virgin?
5. How do you define virginity for a male?
6. If a girl has an experience in which she began to have sex but stopped after the male had only partially inserted his penis (and, afterwards, her hymen is still intact,) is she a virgin? I saw this question posted a few months ago.
Do you define virgin as someone who has not had penile-vaginal sex?
If you define virgin as someone who has not had penile-vaginal sex, there are some problems that you must address:
1. If a previously chaste girl has been the victim of a sexual assault, she has had penile-vaginal penetration. Is she not a virgin?
2. If girl has not had penile-vaginal penetration but has a reputation for being the blow job queen of your village, or maybe she has had anal sex with several guys, are you really confident in calling her a virgin?
3. If girl has not had penile-vaginal penetration but has allowed a boy to give her an orgasm with a vibrator, is she a virgin?
4. If a girl has an experience in which she began to have sex but stopped after the male had only partially inserted his penis (and, afterwards, her hymen is still intact,) is she a virgin?
5. Virginity under this definition almost always depends on someone’s self-report of their prior sexual history. How confident are you that someone will be candid and forthcoming about previous sexual encounters?
Do you define virgin as someone who has not had any sexual experience of any type?
1. If a previously chaste girl has been the victim of a sexual assault, she has had a sexual experience. Is she not a virgin?
2. What experience classifies as “sexual experience” that deprives a person of their virginity. If a girl removed her shirt and bra and let her boyfriend suck on her nipples, does that constitute a loss of virginity? What if he fondled her breasts with his hands under her blouse? What if he fondled her vulva while she was wearing denim jeans?
3. If someone has engaged in masturbation, are they a virgin?
4. Virginity under this definition almost always depends on someone’s self-report of their prior sexual history. How confident are you that someone will be candid and forthcoming about previous sexual encounters?
Solution! (but you probably won't like it.)
A word like “virgin” is a short-hand expression that is intended to convey some information about a person. If I tell you that someone is a diabetic, it imparts certain useful information. It does not give you the details of the extent of the diabetes, whether the person is insulin dependent, etc., but you have at least some information that is potentially useful.
Obviously, the concept of virginity has limited value because the word is defined in different ways and being told that someone is a “virgin” really does not impart any information. It is also a word with such emotionally charged consequences that its very use my change the tenor of a conversation.
The facts speak for themselves. You can debate about whether a certain set of circumstances qualify someone as a virgin, but it is an argument designed to distract us from the facts. If you decide that the village blow job queen is still “technically” a virgin . . . she is still the village blow job queen . . . right?
Just as the Inuits use more than 50 words to describe the many variations of snow, It would be more useful to simply use the following terms:
1. totally inexperienced sexually
2. has only masturbated alone
3. her only “sexual experience” was a rape
4. he has received a blow job but no other sexual activity
5. she had anal sex with one guy while giving another guy a blow job, but she still has an intact hymen
etc.
Let me know your thoughts on the subject, regardless of whether you are still a virgin! :)
What Girls & Guys Said
22 27Good take !
Thank you, sir!
I'm not a virgin, but good take. I don't think it means anything anymore but I know lots of girls do think it's important.
After having sex it's still possible to have a hymen. In my opinion being a virgin has nothing to do with your hymen. As for "popping your cherry" that is completely bull. If your girl is bleeding that means you did something wrong. Going to fast can cause a tear
awesome my take!! You too into consideration each of the angles.
I personally consider a virgin someone who hasn't had deep, penetrative sex. I have never encountered people who have thought otherwise in real life- so it was surprising when i realized how much gray area there was. I think that blow jobs and hand jobs are a form of sexual activity, but it isn't exactly penetrative.
I completely agree with your statement about how people who abstain until marriage cheat less. I think it has a lot to do with how they view sex. For example, since I'm a virgin, i would never have sex with some random guy just for pleasure. I want it to be with someone i love. On the other hand, someone who has sex casually just for pleasure, might think it isn't a form of cheating.
Wow who's that girl in the first picture? She's cute!
I believe that is Kirsten Dunst in The Virgin Suicides.
Thank you :3
I'm a christian. Im a virgin on purpose because the bible told me so (don't hate for my personal beliefs).
I hope my future wife is a virgin, I really hope she waited for me the way I waited for her.
but if not, it's okay. It's unfair to hold her to they same standard as me. But I believe remaining a virgin is just as important for the guy to do as the girl, no favoritism from God there.
Well it matters for a couple reasons.
#1. Religious
#2. You know they are std free
#3. You get to be there first time
#4. You know they aren't a slut (A girl with many partners can raise red flags)
#5. I admire a girl that can stay a virgin especially in todays day and age
#2. You know they are std free Not necessarily true.
Virginity is like foreseeing how your marriage will go. Men were fortunate that girls have physical signs of virginity. However, once someone has sex, they lose that childish spirit, fundamentalism and respect for the other gender all needed for a lasting marriage.
I like it.
i've given my first time to somebody i was barely attracted to
still regret it
I think that virginity is important.
Not important for me and never gonna be important
Virginity is important for me and I dont think to marry with unvirgin girl. Its my choice I dont care what is other's thought
Here are some definitions related to being a virgin:
-a person who is naive, innocent, or inexperienced in a particular context.
-a person who has never had sexual intercourse.
-not yet touched, used, or exploited.
to me, virginity is a coined term for religious view points and patriarchal societies. I’m not totally against virginity. I, myself remained a virgin until 27. I’m currently still 27. A lot of men would view me as an inexperienced woman. So be it. I come from a very patriarchal background where virginity was heavily pushed. I was taught to suppress my natural desire for sex until marriage or if I couldn’t wait, let it be with the right person. As I got older and began to dig deeper into what my destined path was I decided that I probably wouldn’t be able to wait for sex but at least I’ll only have one sexual partner my entire life. That didn’t go as planned.
After losing my virginity I had so many thoughts of shame and guilt. Revisiting bible quotes about a woman being defiled if she was to lose her virginity in betrothed. Then I questioned, so even if a woman shares her virginity with a man that she’ll be with for her lifetime, is she still considered defiled? Undervalued? Biblically, the price of a woman virginity is attained by the father therefore in sense her worth us determined by her virginity. Then, the father has the right to not accept the marital agreement of his daughter and her lover. Virginity in biblical terms has nothing to do with the concerns of the woman. It’s an patriarchal exchange. Because if virginity was that valuable to option to deny her marriage right to the one she shared her virginity with wouldn’t be an option.
After much studying I gained my own insight of what makes me pure and innocent. My heart and soul. I don’t plan to be with another man anytime soon. I hope my next relationship is my last. Spiritually I still see myself as a virgin. A woman with little experience in sex.
There’s this fetish that after a woman loses her virginity there will be blood, thus saying the hymen has been broken. For me, there was no blood but pain. Pain that never stopped no matter how many times I tried having sex. Did my hymen ever break, I’m not sure. If my hymen is still intact will that still make me 100% virgin? What if my hymen is still intact and the next partner I’m sexually active with breaks it? Will it be considered that u lost my virginity to him?
Virginity is a mindset. Now I’m not saying go out and have tons of partner and you’re saying you’re still a virgin. No. In my case with my elevation of thinking I realized virginity has so many faces. I’ll never know why men push it so much. Yet I understand the moralistic aspect of it. As a woman who’s inexperienced I don’t want a man who’s been around the block. And men can have there preferences too. I don’t judge. Some people enjoy sex and that is there business. Virginity is subjective.
Sorry for the typos.
GREAT TAKE! I like this, and it's a good point. I guess to everyone it's relative. I mean does a guy receiving a bj count?
Does a kiss or having sex doggy style or other positions?
I also wondered if a guy had a 3some does it count or just 1 person. With a women, if she had two guys, does she care about the guy with his dick in her mouth or herself?
Can u check out my take? www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a30526-why-are-women-only-sexual-with-guys-who-aren-t-long-term-material
Virginity is a man-made concept and a stupid one at that. I don't care to comment on if I am one or not because that would validate the idea that virginity has some value or meaning
So there is something about the concept of virginity that OBVIOUSLY makes you angry.
where are you getting anger from in a 2 sentence text?
You did not deny that you are angry.
I did not deny that I'm a goblin either, so that must mean I'm a goblin.
I suspected as much! :) But I never said that you were a goblin.
virginity is a person whos not had sex, and a persons virginity should only be given up to a committed partner cause its considered purity, clean, moral and decent.
a non virgin is a person whos had sex and is only considered dirty,, impure, indecent not decent, and immoral only if they had more than 1 sexual partner and uncommitted.
masturbating, breaking your hymen, not having a hymen, fingering, thinking of sex, jerking off, does not determine that you lost your virginity.
So what do you all think of a woman who has never had penetrative sex at all not from behind not from the vagina, never had received oral sex, never had given oral sex, never had been fingered, rubbed before, either For me this is a 100% virgin that is what you call a 100% virgin in all angles.
https://i.imgur.com/zLiBU56.jpg
...
LOL what the hell is that?
I assume that is intended quite tongue-in-cheek, but it does illustrate my point about exactly-what-in-the-hell does it mean to say that you are a virgin?
It does illustrate it lol. Girls are funny sometimes. I've heard some say anal and oral don't count. in my opinion, it does count.
As someone whow was raped and sexually abused I had the choice stolen. So to me it is the choice to share a special gift you will never get again and usually one of the first serious decushions in life we take for ourselves
Apologies Decisions not decushions lol