The word "virgin" always stirs discussion on this site. There are those who want to retain a claim to virgin status despite some sexual experiences, and there are those who are very eager to tell those people that they are no longer virgins. And there are usually disagreements. I suppose the reason this question is important is that many (certainly not all) people - at least in my culture - as children are taught that retaining your virginity until marriage is important. By contrast, non-virgins are less worthy, less deserving of attention and respect, and have generally brought some shame upon themselves. However, most of us lose our virginity long before we get married, so there is much hypocrisy in this issue!
This question is usually asked without the asker defining "virgin," presumably because we all KNOW what "virgin" means . . . right? I know what a virgin is, and so do you, and so does the next guy . . . but we don't all mean the same thing. So let's consider some of the possible definitions.
1. "A virgin is a girl who has an intact hymen." There are several problems with this definition.
a. It totally omits the possibility of a boy being a virgin.
b. It stigmatizes those girls who are born without a hymen, or with a partially perforated hymen, or who had their hymen torn in an accident, or who were sexually assaulted.
c. It rewards girls who are sexually active and who later have hymenorrhaphy to "restore" them to virgin status.
d. A girl could be the blow job queen of the village, well known by every man and boy for miles in every direction but, if she had not yet had PIV sex, she would be classified as a virgin.
2. "A virgin is someone, male or female, who has not yet had PIV sex."
a. Again, a girl could be the blow job queen of the village but, if she had not yet had PIV sex, she would be classified as a virgin.
b. Lesbians who never had sex with a male would be virgins their entire lives.
c. Homosexuals who never had sex with a female would be virgins their entire lives.
d. The rape victim is not a virgin.
3. "A virgin is someone who has not had an orgasm as a result of sexual interaction with another person."
a. Under this definition, if the village blow job queen always gives oral sex but never receives any sexual stimulation in return, then she is still a virgin.
b. Anyone who tried but failed to reach orgasm with a partner would still be a virgin. There are people who go their entire lives without an orgasm although they routinely engage in sexual activity with partners. Would you call that person a virgin?
c. What about if your girlfriend gives you oral sex but doesn't finish you because . . . because she doesn't, like maybe she is scared or insecure? Are you still a virgin?
d. What about the rape victim? She (or he) is not a virgin under this definition.
4. "A virgin is someone who is innocent and naive about sexual matters." This definition isn't exactly the same as "child-like" but it's close.
a. This definition can apply to both boys and girls.
b. It does not stigmatize those girls who are born without a hymen, or with a partially perforated hymen, or who had their hymen torn in an accident. Whether you would call a rape victim a "virgin" under this definition is debatable (and I am NOT trying to be unkind to rape victims! However, under this definition, a rape victim would have some knowledge of sexual matters.)
c. The blow job queen is not considered a virgin under this definition.
d. Homosexuals and lesbians with sexual experience would not be considered virgins under this definition.
e. The problem with this definition is that sexual innocence is very difficult to define.
So, which definition should you use? Well, what is the reason why this issue is relevant? "Only virgins are worthy of marriage." (No, I don't believe that statement, but it is one of the justifications for making virgin status important.) The presence of a hymen does not insure that a girl has been chaste, and the absence of a hymen does not always mean that she has been sexually active.
If the importance of virginity is related to religious beliefs, that is not a very suitable occasion to be playing word games and hiding the truth. Would you really tell your religious leader, "Of course I'm a virgin, because anal sex doesn't count!?"
What is it about being a virgin that is so damned important that other people want to know whether you are a virgin? Is that a more important question?
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