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What porn and sexual objectification do to the mind of the subject

I am a camgirl.

What porn and sexual objectification do to the mind of the subject

No, I'm not famous or major, so don't even bother looking for me. It's something I do on the sly to make money and maintain some amount if autonomy in a life where I feel like I have none it's not my career, I'm not a pornstar.

What I do is not glamorous and it's not sexy. Maybe for some people? For me, it's the only path left after hitting a dead end. I'm not smart, I'm not talented, I'm not artistic. I can't sing or write. I'm a highschool drop out with a piss poor personality and an attitude problem. What I do have is a fairly pretty face and decent set of tits.

I started at sex work at a young age. I always say I was like the worlds only virgin hooker because I was giving blowjobs for money to guys I met off Craigslist before I had even had sex of any kind with anyone (to me, none of that counted). As you can see, at only 18 at the time, I started off in the wrong direction.

Once I got back home I started having...a lot of sex. A lot of different kinds of sex. Some of it has been wonderful and amazing (when you meet the RIGHT guy), some of it has been fun and kinky and some of it has just been dark and twisted. But most of it has just been boring and I usually feel like I'm going through the motions...like he's there having a good time and it's my job to give him pleasure. Like a sex robot or something. No emotion...just an object with an objective.

Well around the same time I started posting naked pictures of myself online on social media. It was mostly because I wanted to feel pretty and for a little while it helped mybself confidence a lot. I felt sexy and the distance between me and the followers gave me a feeling of control. I didn't make much money at it, besides the occasional amazon gift, but I didn't really give a fuck.

Well one day I got a message from someone in my area. We got to talking and decided to go out. He was a very successful businessman and told me how dumb I was for giving out freebies. He really opened my mind to the fact...shocker...I could make money at this with live shows.

And that's how I got started. Down a path that would lead me to the where I am today: somebody who has lost her sense of self. I truly feel I don't even know who I am anymore. When somebody asks me what I like...all I have to say is makeup, sex and drugs & alcohol. Every day I wake up and try to look pretty. The days I feel unattractive I literally want to die so much it hurts

People think of porn and stripping as such a confidence booster. You just get naked and told how beautiful you are. No. No no no NO. Not by a long shot. People say exactly what they're thinking. Their mindset...bitch I'm paying you. You are literally mine for the next half hour. You're an object. I'm a basement dwelling neckbeard but I've earned the right to critique your body like the specs of the latest fucking x Box, because you are nlt a fuvking person you are my fuvking property.

You hear "bitch those are mosquito bites not boobs"...gain weight "you're like fat now"...lose weight "you're bony af"....or "you're too pale" get a tan "oompa loompa much?". It never fucking ends, you wanna slam your head against the wall because you're trying so hard to be all things to all people and you're always fucking failing. You are never ever good enough so you spend all your money trying to be better and plotting surgeries and trying to be...perfect. An unobtainable goal. You're chasing the white rabbit and you just can't fucking stop.

And all of this seeps into your personal life. Suddenly you have to be your best with friends everytime you see them and if you aren't feeling up to it you just don't see them. And suddenly your friends turn into strangers. All you have is dating, camming, drinking, smoking weed, camming, internet surfing, sleeping, camming, fucking, crying, rinse and repeat.

You hate going out because when you're surrounded by strangers all you hear is that criticism that cuts so deep. You feel like everyone's staring and stripping you down. You feel naked all the time and you feel like your flaws are glaring everyone in the face, so you just hide. And sit allne and wonder...who the fuck am I?

This isn't everyones story. This is a very extreme story. Our society objectifies women...not to this degree, but it gives young girls too many opportunities to travel this path. My story is by no means rare. Many vulnerable emotionally damaged girls with histories of abuse or personality disorders find it all too easy too fall down this path and no one lends a hand. Her body her choice right?

I'm not saying stop watching porn. I just wanted to tell my story. I do hope tho the next time you see that hot blonde with the dead eyed gaze getting naked on the screen, you realize behind those eyes there's a mind and its broken, and she's not getting naked for you, she's doing it because she feels she has no other choice.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It would be impossible to look you up since you posted as anonymous. :) lol. Seriously though you have a talent for expressing yourself. Why don't you write a script or story inspired by your experiences? I think you will do well.

    I think I understand why you did it. Being broke with no one next to you to help puts you in a dark state of mind. It makes you feel helpless. So you overcompensate by doing things like sending naked pics to make yourself feel better. Then you started getting paid for it. I am sure the money you get from that is much greater than what people make from menial jobs. This would make it more difficult to think of doing regular jobs. Plus regular jobs would require interacting with more people in person.

    Then your feeling of self-worth is tied up with camming. You feel a need to reaffirm that you are beautiful constantly. Like an addiction you despise it but still can't get away from it. Did I get it right or am I being too presumptuous? :)

    At any rate I am not gonna condemn you for your actions. You did what you felt was right at the time. I just want to tell you that education is a woman's best friend. Go become qualified. You sound really smart and lovely, a deadly combination. Be strong and beat this feeling. You can do it. Think of all the women in this world who have won against incredible odds. All you need is a strong will. If you have that you can do anything. Good luck.

Most Helpful Guy

  • "I'm not smart, I'm not talented, I'm not artistic. I can't sing or write. I'm a highschool drop out with a piss poor personality and an attitude problem. What I do have is a fairly pretty face and decent set of tits." and cut...

    Right, piss poor personality and an attitude is something in YOUR power to change, so do it.

    " you realize behind those eyes there's a mind and its broken"

    Often yes, it's a sad world.

    "and she's not getting naked for you"

    No, she is doing it to get paid, that's how it works, just like any other crap job out-there.

    "she's doing it because she feels she has no other choice." But she has a choice, she may not like the alternatives, but she do have a choice. We all do, all the time.

    • I guess my goal here was to humanize the fantasy. I think people don't realize that objectification csn extend offscreen as well. I'm not saying to feel guilty about porn, i promise lol

    • Porn is a moral problem, a fantasy sure but also corrupting. Objectification does extend off-screen, and porn is certainly a contributor.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Yes, I can see that sense of being lost in your eyes, and the emptiness of your expression. What you have to keep in mind is that many of us, of both sexes, have to go through some very dark times to get the growth we can only appreciate once we are out of it, and back into the Light (if not for the first time). I read you words and look at your eyes, and am nearly overwhelmed with all the thoughts and senses that come to me, that I want to express or share. As a guy, I can't speak from that angle of being a camgirl, obviously, but I can utterly empathize with so much of what you are suffering and have seen. Many souls are utterly clueless how to interact with compassion, kindness, and caring. Instead, they tend to have this sense of self-importance/absorption/entitlement that causes them to treat others with indifference, if not outright contempt. Naturally, I am not one of them, so it makes my heart ache for you, seeing as how you are on the receiving end of it.

  • You've got two up on me with the fairly pretty face and a decent pair of tits.

    Your primary issue is--and should be--with capitalism. It is a system based on the foundation of competing against others, controlling others, and, well, capitalizing off of other people: using people. It's a disgusting system of economics.

    Opportunity, yes. I'm certain it must seem like the entire society revolves around the objectification of women--and maybe it does, and maybe both women and men perpetuate it--but, is it perhaps possible that you're projecting your experiences onto society as a whole? However, can you see the forest through the trees with drug addled eyes? I've lots and lots and lots of experience with drug addled eyes, so that's not a cheap shot at you, but an honest question.

    At the end of the day, you choose to be used as an object. And hell. I would, too, if I could make a shitload of money off of it. One not-particularly-attractive cam girl I know of made $30,000 in 12 hours, though, I'm sure that's not the norm: it's a relatively easy way to make money. Though, I can sympathize with your position, and the negative effects you get from it. You still have the option of finding a typical job, at any point, no? Wouldn't it be similar to any job one dislikes? Perhaps you feel like you have no choice, but don't you? We always have a choice. Is it that you just don't want to give up the lifestyle and money that you get from it?

    You basically just described how I feel as a man who has accomplished nothing: the--what I view as--inversion of women's looks ascribed to men: our value is ascribed to our accomplishments. I think it might be a lot more peoples' story than you think, and not just relative to stripping or porn actresses: or wholly females.

    That said, yes, I have noticed the dead-eyed look, and in some porn the screaming and grimaces that doesn't quite, *some*how, seem to be pleasurable: the common goal of mainstream porn seeming to be 'how much damage can I do to this pussy'. I shifted to amateur porn or only watch ones without those triggers, after I had a feminist professor and wrote some essays on the porn industry. It immediately turns me off if I notice any degree of discomfort or noticeable faking.

    You should write a book. I get the feeling you would write a good one. You don't have to believe it to try.

    At least, now you know the effects. It's just whether or not you want to continue to endure them for the return. Good luck mate.

  • Every one has a choice, from what your saying you made this choice because you didn't actually believe in yourself enough to try something else, the path of least resistence if you will. So what in your life made you hate yourself? You do, the self loathing is apparent in your writing (which is pretty good and perhaps you should look into that) So what happened? Are you still doing it?

  • How sad, and how well written for someone ostensibly a high school dropout. As someone else posted, I wish I could hug you.

  • I just came to say that Carmen Electra is hot as fuck.

  • Well written. You should consider taking classes in journalism or at least in a field involving writing.

  • hahaha dumb hos...

  • You had a choice. you have one, but its a harder path, your mind won't accept it. Rather than correct your mistakes, you opted for the easy way out. You're no better than those 'neckbeards' because rather than improve and have goals they resorted to paying for a view of a naked girl. A hollow, useless imitation of real sex.

    this is not to say i disageee, i agree fully, but its both women and men contributing to it heavily.

  • I think most guys watch porn but only a minority of guys are actually willing to pay for subscriptions or pay for live cam shows. Just like a lot of the girls who do those shows I think the guys who pay for them are also emotionally damaged. They are often guys who are so unsuccessful with women that they feel the only way a female would ever show them her naked body is if they pay for it. So you really shouldn't take their criticisms too seriously.

    Another thing worth noting is that while it's emotionally damaging, doing those shows have helped you avoid becoming homeless. This is an outlet that men don't have. A guy can't save himself from poverty by offering sexual services. Not trying to trivialize what youve gone through, I'm just saying where there are negatives there are also positives.

    • Like i said, I'm not saying porn is evil and you shouldn't watch it. But 18-19 was young to get started in that. I think teenage girls have to be protected from themselves and instead we see them exploited largely because of their youthful, barely legal status. The opportunity is too readily available. And i look at my life and its become all i know how to do. I'm mad at myself for breaking that mold. Like i got out for a bit but it keeps pulling me back and now im in it heavy and its really frustrating. I guess at the end of this all i was saying was sv the girl getting naked om camera is still a person and that kind of work can have a severe effect, esp on someone very young

    • so do you think the age limit to get involved in that sort of stuff should be raised to 21? also hypothetically if that option didn't exist what would you have done instead? what keeps pulling you back in? does it just not pay enough?

    • I genuinely do and i feel like a hypocrite saying that but its like... i just feel like there should be protection from that. At least during those first difficult adult years. And i honestly don't know. I've burned so many bridges. I don't know what i would have done or what im going to do but i feel like if i was smart that wouldn't have been an option. I take responsibility for that, I've fucked up a LOT. Like i said at the end, I'm just telling my story with this. I'm not saying its evil or either wrong. Just that its affected me in a bad way

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  • Oh god, I want to hug you.

  • I think you've just proven that you do have a gift for writing.

    • Yeag right lmao

    • It's true. I mean, your writing style isn't perfect, but the talent is clearly there. It's definitely good enough for you to consider it as a possible alternative career.

    • What Tarvold said, or wrote. You may not have perfect grammar or spelling, but you certainly have sentence structure and *flair*.

  • This makes me sad :(

  • Excellent read. Well said. Now take the core of your problems, and imagine you were ugly too, that you were not worthy of being a cam girl or anything. Like you are truly worthless. Imagine being that. That's what a nice/shy guy feels. That's why, no, most won't think of porn the other way because the same damage that got you to give it is the same damage that guys have that make them pay for it. I personally wish i was In porn 😢

  • So... ya its good that you shared your story but why did you choose to do this? I mean you coule have done something else like anything but that? Why?

    • I need to let it out somewhere I guess.

    • No i wasn't talking about letting out 😊 I was talking about being a cam girl? Why did you choose be a cam girl... why not done other profession?

    • Oh for the reasons I already said. One thing led to another, led to another

  • While you claim not to be educated, you definitely are intelligent and have a knack for persuasive text and your expression in writing this, in all of it's honesty, is admirable and I applaud you.

  • Unfortunately, when someone watches that blonde getting naked on the screen, it's because he has no other choice either. Let's call it lose-lose.

  • Thats so sad D: i wish i could help you somehow

  • I completely agree with you, the society does objectify women. I have always been against paying anyone to do something for me, cause I know that person is not doing it for me, or because she finds me attractive or anything, it's because she needs the money, I wish more people would understand that. Most people who body shame women are themselves insecure bunch with no life of their own, so you should NEVER take them seriously. Their only aim is to put you down...

  • When there is a gun to your head, the only option is not to submit, there isn't one option, when there is a gun to your head, there are 130 different options, take away the gun and shoot the fucker. You always have a choice, that being said, I hope you do fine. And I feel bad, and this made me sad. But I don't need to change my life style, I don't watch porn, it's for horny men who can't wait for a girl to show them.

  • Thank you for sharing your story, I honestly wish pornography didn't exist because it isn't healthy mentally, emotiobally, spirtually or relationship wise. However the world is obsessed with sex and thats why sex sells.

    I'm sorry you have been going through all of this, I think you should get therapy to regain confidence and happiness.

    I recommend you turn to God through Christ. He will renew you and you should know he loves you even when you mess up because Jesus' blood was she'd for our sins and no sin is worse than the other so none of us are worthy but He still loves you. Just repent, find a church and go to bible. c
    om for some great reading plans and scriptures..

    You are beautiful because you want to become happy aren't better once again, don't forget.

    What Christians Want to Know

    20 Inspirational Bible Verses About God’s Love
    by JOSH WILEY · Print Print · Email Email

    Bible verses that describe God’s love for us are some of my favorites. I hope you enjoy this list of inspirational quotes showing just how much God loves you.

    Featured Bible Verse About God’s Love: Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.


    God’s Love Shown Through Jesus Christ

    John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

    Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

    Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.

    Ephesians 2:4-5 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, evenwhen we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—

    1 John 4:9-11 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love

    • Also you should know God isn't making you suffer because he gives free choice and he is allowing you to go throu ch certain th ings to learn lessons, grow closer to him and so you can inspire others with an amazing testimony. You should maybe write a memoir and become wealthy off of that!

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