Why I Want a Dominant Guy Who is Submissive to Me

[aglaia]

Many women like to have a dominant boyfriend. There are plenty good reasons. They seem to be easier at first. They do not need someone to care for them. They are fun in bed from the start. You do not have to worry about what he likes because he will just take it.

But then comes the time when you get to actually know your boyfriend. I do not like my boyfriend to expect I always go along with what he wants. I want to do what I want. I want to choose what we do. I want to have a say in such things. In everyday life it would just be an insult of human dignity if one would be "the dominant" one. This is not easy, however. I think most people are not able to have true consideration for their partners feelings and wishes. Most people only have it as long as it does not cost them a thing.

To be considerate for someone else, I feel I must be pretty content with myself first. This is a somewhat dominant trait. If I do not know what I want and what I would never accept, I have no basis on which a compromise can be built. And I think the same is true for my boyfriend. That is why I like it if he is dominant. Dominant about his feelings. I do not want him to do things he does not want to do just because he is not able to defy me. But I do not want him to be more dominant than me.

And then there is the sweet little thing called sex life. We know this is important. Of course it is. Sex drive cannot be cancelled. And I believe it is very unhealthy to try. So if one cannot be aroused by someone who does not have some specific characteristics, like being dominant or submissive or freedom-loving, then forget it. But here is what I like about a guy being submissive when it comes to sex. Or, to begin with, what I do NOT like about such a guy. I do not like to cause pain, I do not like latex, rubber, masks, whips, chains, humans behaving like animals, and so on.

I like vanilla sex. It's boring, I know. But sex is boring. I mean sex in the sense of intercourse. It is not boring when it is new. But it gets boring. Not so boring I would not like to do it any more. I want to do it again and again. But it is not causing some big sensation any more. I like the things I can do with my boyfriend when we are horny. Before we have intercourse.

So, I like him to be submissive when he is horny. I do not really care whether he is submissive during intercourse. I do care if it is unilateral. When he makes me orgasm without getting to ejaculate himself, he is very submissive. And this is important because he stays submissive while I am completely satisfied. This is straining. I guess it is straining for him, too. But he enjoys it because he is still horny. To me, it is just straining. He wants me to pay attention. He wants me to do something with him. And he wants it to be sexual somehow. I do not. At least not very much. I could now either make him cum and end his crave for attention. Or I can let him be horny. He prefers that, because he is also submissive. And then I can let him "work" for me. He would love to be my obedient servant.

However, I like this more when I am a little horny myself. Not forever. I do not want him to get a tattoo with my name, or even "Property of <my name>". I want him to stay himself. But if I let him be horny for a while, tease him to stay horny, he becomes very submissive. This is all over for a while after he ejaculates. But still, his submissiveness connects him to me. Even after being together for years, he can be limitlessly keen on me. He tells me and I feel it. If he is in this state, it is as intense as it was when we physically connected for the first time. Just to be near me makes him nervous. If I touch him, he is helpless. As I realized this, I felt more wanted, more desirable than ever before. And now I like to play with it.

I like to join my boyfriend while he is falling into this state. He enjoys satisfying me. And he indulges in staying horny and becoming more and more submissive. And I enjoy being satisfied. And I indulge in being desired and put on a pedestal. It really takes us back to the roots. Nothing is important but us. I focus on him because he focuses on me. He focuses on me because I focus on him. We both enjoy days of complete harmony. Nothing could be more far from our minds than to quarrel with each other. He could not because he admires and worships me. I could not because I am stunned by his affection. And because he submissively obeys me. We both enjoy days of being the top of each others priorities.

I do not think I could have anything comparably intense with a boyfriend who thinks he must be dominant all the time. Just because he is the man.

[honesty321]

Man and woman are equal but a man most be allowed to be a man as a woman must be allowed to be a woman. I do not know in this world wanted to chance roles like man become woman and woman become man in their hormones to cheat on each other and not respect man for being man but say that is wrrong and not respect woman for being a woman but teach them that is wrong. For example if say I do not like a passive submissive man they say you are lesbian and woman seduce woman with saying that they are man-woman and seduce woman and not man who seduce man and the other way around that man are seduced by man who say they are more the femal-man. So it is a bit strange sometimes what is going on in this world what I do not understand because they tell you the way you are is allways wrong while you are just normal hetero and nothing else and why is that not good?

[Journeyman11]

Sounds to me like you're using sex as a weapon, and like you need him to constantly pay attention to you and satisfy and worship you, while its too "straining" for you to satisfy his needs in return. And like you're not giving nearly as much affection to him as he does to you. I think he loves you, and you're just with him because it feels good to be worshipped. You're using him for his affection, just like men use women who love them for sex. You're saying in the first paragraph you don't like men who need someone to care for them, and that you don't want to worry about what he likes. Yet you need him to "worship" and "obey" you, you want him to "work for you", and to be your "obedient servant". That seems pretty hypocritical. I think you just want someone to boost your ego without having to care in return.

[Journeyman11]

Why did you select me for most helpful guy?

[Journeyman11]

You know maybe I'm wrong and I totally misjudged you. I am sorry if that is the case. I think deep down you know exactly what's going on in your relationship, so if I misjudged you, just ignore what I said. If not... start doing the right thing.

[aglaia]

I did not select any answer. I think it was selected by gag because this mytake was featured. The reason I did not select anyone is that there were many things being said and there is not one point of view that is "better" than others. You are right with your concerns and I think I have to take care about such things. But I also honestly think you misjudged me. I don't like him to be submissive because because I want it, but because he wants it. Yes, I enjoy it. But I would not if he wouldn't be himself.

[Purple_Babe14]

I want this.

[freakyzeaky]

So basically you want your man to be honest about his needs and to go for what he wants, but you also want him to let you be assertive too and to have your moments to be in control.

That makes sense. I like that dynamic myself. I like it when a woman doesn't expect to be lead around by the nose everywhere in the relationship. She has to be able to call me out on my bullshit and not be confrontation when I call her out too. She has to be able to support me, but also allow me to support her.

I prefer a woman who has her moments when she is horny to just come right out and take control of the situation if she wants. At the same time, I want to express my more dominant side, but it is her fire, her raw desire that is almost a necessity to inspire me to take her. Sure, part of it is my own wants and desires, but another part of me needs the type of energy that draws me like a moth to a flame.

Part of being vulnerable and trusting is to let go of control. We have to surrender to one another to allow things to truly develop authentically.

However, I am usually not seen as dominant. I am pretty mild mannered and gentle. I know that isn't what many women desire in a man. I have this calm spiritual side to me that is empathetic, which what makes a good friend and lover, but doesn't captivate or excite certain women since it would seem that many women thrive off of emotional ego-driven drama. For me, it is a waste of energy, of which I tend to conserve, being an introvert. And yet, I crave to take control, but it takes trust and the knowledge that she consents to that control. I want an unequivocal "yes please!" That is when the gates open, and all that within her heart is mine for the taking.

[freakyzeaky]

*confrontational

[Analinda1999]

@ I do not like my boyfriend to expect I always go along with what he wants. I want to do what I want. I want to choose what we do. I want to have a say in such things. In everyday life it would just be an insult of human dignity if one would be "the dominant" one.

did you really have to get to know your boyfriend to think of this? its a real q bc i never understand how anyone could not just start off thinking this way

[aglaia]

I agree. But as long as I did not met a guy more than a few times, I wouldn't know if he behaves like he did all the time. I did not mean that you have to know each other for several months or so before one would start wondering whether the other one actually cares. Some women say they like it if a guy takes charge of the first date. He plans something and runs the show. May be nice cause he makes an effort. But then it is important to see whether he can also go along with what the girl would like to do. This is what I wanted to say.

[englisc]

You want him to be dominant, but you don't want him to be dominant. But you think it would be wrong if one of you was dominant over the other, but you like to be the one in control when it comes to sex and for him to be submissive. Because you're equals.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

[aglaia]

"You want him to be dominant" -- Yes, "dominant" about who he is and his feelings. I do not want a boyfriend that thinks he must change for me. We either fit, or do not. "but you don't want him to be dominant" -- Yes, I do not want him to tell me what I am supposed to do. That I called both things "dominant" was to emphasize that this may seem contradictory. But it is not. "But you think it would be wrong if one of you was dominant over the other" -- Yes. "but you like to be the one in control when it comes to sex" -- Not exactly. Indirectly. Because of the next point. "and for him to be submissive" -- I like him being submissive because it fuels his arousal and hence his affection. It is not some feeling of power or control that I like. It is the feeling of deep affection and complete approval of my mind and body and existence. "Because you're equals" -- We are equals in the sense that he enjoys this as much as I do. He is not submissive because I demand it, but because he enjoys it.

[englisc]

The reason what you're saying makes no sense is that you're using the word "dominant" wrongly. To be dominant is to be in control but that's not what you want - you just want a guy who isn't a complete pushover. You also enjoy him being submissive sexually which is fine, but he can't be dominant and submissive at the same time. And you can't say you don't want either of you to be dominant then say you like him to be submissive, that makes no sense. There's nothing wrong with enjoying that, and it's reciprocal, but one of you is still in control of the other.

[hahahmm]

I make my woman cum a lot. If you cannot orgasm in ten minutes or less you should look into why that is. Are you not deeply attracted to the guy? Do you not trust him? Are you afraid of something? Have you trained your body to only respond to devices made in Japan? Etc. When everything is right & you really want the guy bad you should be having trouble keeping yourself from cumming.

Anyhow there are guys who can alternate between dominate & submissive in bed. In my case I’m dom probably 80% of the time but if she acts dom & wants that it’s a turn on too. We could change roles several times during the same session. Not a big deal.

Relationship... most women in MY experience prefer a dominate guy. I have my theory on why that is but I’ll spare you the details.

[MrMysteryMan]

From reading the first paragraph I disagree with you. I'm a very confident person and I know what I want and like in my relationships and my SO is well aware of that fact. But I also don't feel it's fair if I stagnate her personality to fit with mine. As well, i want a woman who is adventurous and open in the bedroom and uninhibited. Sometimes shoving your dominance on someone else stifles that openness and exploratory nature. Your SO is still a person you should respect, and mutual respect brings mutual trust and love.

[ChronicThinker]

So a fake dominant.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

^^^^^

[Berethor]

It's sounds more like a self-control on his part then submission. But it's not sounds like you are abusing your "control", as you are not even into BDSM, so I guess that it's okay. By the way, how he is you obedient servant? did he cooks for you?

[aglaia]

Basically, when he's my "obedient servant", he's not allowed to do anything on his own. He's only doing what I have told him. This includes many things. He gets my drinks, he puts on and off my shoes, he takes my jacket, he brings my cloth, he washes my cloth, he cleans my shoes. And he's always at my beck and call. We do what I want. And when feel like it, he sits at my feet and strokes my legs while we watch a movie.

[Berethor]

I see, you make Anita Sarkeesian jealous. :)

[pepwave21]

I like dominant guys but not all time. Its more fun to change it up since I like to take control sometimes. :)

[Shychi]

I'm the opposite! I'm naturally dominant so I want to be submissive in the bedroom.

[Browneye57]

"I do not think I could have anything comparably intense with a boyfriend who thinks he must be dominant all the time. Just because he is the man."
Ya can't have it both ways honey. Hope you like cats, or really weak men, cuz a strong dominate guy will always be so. If you want to be the dominate one, the one in control, to have all the power, marry another woman. Cuz you'll come to loathe any guy you can do this with.

[lord_chilled]

True

[winterfox10]

So really, you DON'T want a guy who is submissive to you, you want a guy who respects and acknowledges your thoughts and feelings.

[smølf]

I know what you mean, this a regular girl talk, changing confusing and contradictory, as I said normal girl talk.

Me and my girlfriends sometimes do domination i the bedroom, not a lot of pain, but submitting to please the other exclusively. However, we do it both ways depending, we always make sure we both get what we need sexually. Being unselfish in the bed is the key in any relationship, dominant or not.

Even the dominant part have to insure the partner is satisfied as well, I do that and she does it too.

It's very simple it's called love and caring!!!

[VaIiant]

'Regular girl talk" lol. As a girl, I completely disagree with this post and find it ridiculous. Stereotypes are like posts like this- unnecessary.

[RBasim]

Haha! because you got a trait that want to own the best guy in the world at first and secondly he is ready to do anything for u :D long time ago i used to say, i want to be a weak nerve of a strong girl :p something similar i guess :D

[COCOCHANEL]

i get it

[LegateLanius]

A little confusing. Do you want equals? Where you switch off and on when you both are in control?

[Anon-ymous1]

Interesting. I'm surprised your boyfriend is okay with all this, because I sure wouldn't be. But hey, whatever makes you happy.

[castratedwhiteguy]

Twisted logic, to be sure! But if this is what you need, than go for it!

[lord_chilled]

Lol, basically you cannot handle a real man.
Its that simple.
And a guy who is sexually submissive in bed is not a true dominant man.

You basically want a wimp who will please you and give you sexual satisfaction without getting his own.
You want him to stay horny, because when a man stays horny and is sexually submissive, he will please you and do anything you want. And he won't call you out on any bs.
Such a man is the farthest thing from a dominant.

You fantasize about dominant men all the time, but like i said, cannot handle being with one.

Men, never be sexually submissive to a woman. EVER.
In fact, never be submissive to a woman at all.
If you do i guarantee you, one of two things will happen
1. she will cheat on you
Or
2. She will leave you.

Guarantee it.

[SmolSlav]

I hope you find a way to deal with your insecurities.

[DamnMan]

No one is dominant and submissive all the time. It's just impossible.