Sexual Relationships
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Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

I never made a deliberate decision to wait until marriage to have sex. It was something that I was expected to do. I owed it to my parents (who would be disappointed if I broke the law of chastity), my church leaders (if I committed fornication I would have to confess, which was embarrassing even to think about), and my hypothetical future husband, who would also be saving himself for marriage.

That being said, I still made a choice. No one forced me to wait. I don’t blame my parents, my religion, or my husband for the situation that I’m in now. But I do wish that I had considered not waiting. Here’s why.

Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

Abstaining from sex can lead to guilt and sexual anxiety

When my husband and I decided to get married, we never imagined that sex would be difficult for us. We were attracted to each other. We were young. We were healthy. Besides, we loved each other. A lot.

But our honeymoon was less than idyllic. Nothing could have prepared me for his reaction to the “green light” we’d been waiting for. He was paralyzed with what I can only describe as stage fright. Terrified of hurting me (after a painful first encounter) and haunted by imaginary inadequacies, he suffered from erectile dysfunction through most of our honeymoon, and for months afterward.

I spent the first year of our marriage trying to coax him into sex. He was comfortable with other modes of genital stimulation, but not intercourse. Intercourse, which was supposed to come naturally to us, almost always ended in miserable failure.

I was frustrated. I had waited so long for sex, and now I was living a life of celibacy—again. I consoled myself with the words of Olaf the snowman: “Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours.” I loved my husband and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I kept my dissatisfaction to myself. I even began to feel guilty whenever I desired sex, because I thought I was being selfish.

Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

Sexual compatibility isn’t something you can force.

When my husband’s anxiety finally started to ebb, we had a few months of unhindered intercourse—at last. But I soon discovered that, while I wanted to have sex as often as humanly possible, he did not.

It was then that I learned the extent of his depression. I was aware that he suffered from occasional bouts of depression while we were dating, but I had no idea of the effect that it would have on our sex life. As the months went by his interest in intimacy dwindled away to nothing.

This was something that I could not have foreseen. I encouraged him to try medication. After that, his depression was tolerable. But his sex drive never came back.

I thought it was my fault. I worked feverishly at the gym, trying to “fix” my appearance. I spent tons of money on makeup, eyelash extensions, and lingerie. But nothing helped. He told me I was beautiful and that he loved me. But he always had a reason not to have sex with me. Eventually I realized that it wasn’t because there was something wrong with me. It was because our ideas about sex were worlds apart.

Sex is a VERY important aspect of a healthy marriage.

While mental and emotional compatibility are vital to a loving relationship, sex cannot and should not be left out of the equation. Sexual incompatability can lead to frustration and even abstention from sex altogether. And a celibate marriage leads to resentment, and more often than not, divorce.

I love my husband. But when I married him, I didn’t know him. In deciding not to have sex before I made a lifelong commitment to him, I might as well have married a stranger.

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  • Ok, let's start with age. As we know sexual drives of women peak around 30 and men's drives are always there since their early teens if not sooner. Both drives of both genders go downhill. Nothing will be perfect like the Cinderella fantasy. It's what you and your partner make of it. His sex drive is gone? Maybe he was sexually abused? Not enough attraction? Possible affair? Now you know how guys feel when married. Sex is the best in relationships and marriage in the first 6 months - a year. From there it goes downhill. The main problem here is communication and getting to know each other. If you had done that BEFORE you got married, you wouldn't be in this mess. by the way, the last bit where you said you mine as well marry a stranger, that's a red flag. You can't force things. It's either it is or it isn't.

  • Bravo! You just put a good front about how being a virgin until marriage is not the key to lifelong happiness. There can be problems. People think if they lead a certain life everything will turn out magical. WRONG. There is no fixed 'right' way to live life, do what makes you happy!
    Sex is not only a biological need that is embedded in our core and we are animals and we need to do it. We have turned something frankly normal, natural and necessary but simple into such a big deal. I don't get people to tell me how I should eat or drink so why sex? People are fucking children. Only children skirt around the issue of sex and make things a huge deal when they are not. Have sex when you want how you want and with any number of people.

    • People do tell you how to eat and drink. Experts say to drink in moderation, eat more vegetables, fruits and grains, less fatty meat, etc. You don't have to follow this advice, but going against it will lead to obesity and disease. People consider sex a "big deal" because it can lead to diseases, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, etc. Look at places in the world where it's out of control, like Africa. There are safe and unsafe ways to have sex, healthy and unhealthy ways too. Just telling kids to have sex "when you want, how you want and with any number of people" would be as destructive as letting them eat when they want, whatever they want, and as often as they want. Even if you're right that there is no single "right" way to live, there are still plenty of wrong ways and we should want to help people avoid those as much as possible.

    • @Lightspeed-Lemon Not really, unless you seek 'expert' advice nobody really tells you to. People are nowhere as obsessed with food and drinks as long as they are with sex. Even in the extremist countries, you don't get death penalties or whippings for food or water as you would for sex. They are 3 biological needs but one is over-exaggerated. But like you said drinking alcohol too much can also lead to pretty adverse complications but nobody really cares that much as they do about sex. Being an alcoholic is nowhere as near as scandalous as being a nymphomaniac when the former is more dangerous. Society is OBSESSED with sex and those risks that you mention can be easily prevented by having safe sex. No I am not advocating telling KIDS about having sex as they want but if an adult person wants to do that, when how and with any number of people they should be able to do that, because they are considered mature enough to know the risks and be responsible.

  • I can understand the first two points but disagree with the third: "Sex is a VERY important aspect of a healthy marriage."

    That point does not apply to everyone and is ignoring people who do not want or need sex to be happy. There are romantic relationships and marriages that are sexless and perfectly happy and satisfying. This point felt like erasure for asexuals (although asexuals do not necessarily not have sex, but speaking in general here) and others who simply don't want sex.

    • While some people may be happy in a sexless marriage but that's becuase they both are sexually compatible. If one person wants to have sex a lot while the other one doesn't then that's when things start to go downhill and can possibly lead to divorce or an affair. When one of their needs is not being fulfilled then they look somewhere else for their sexual needs to be fulfilled. A sexless marriage can only work if they are both okay with it.

    • @Sasha_Kotelenets I'm aware of that and agree. I just wish that THAT had been the point that was made--that sexual COMPATIBILITY was a very important part of a healthy marriage, not sex itself.

  • and this people is why abstinence is psychologically harmful

  • Girls aren't cars to test, They can be teached to be hot & sexy in less than a year just like whores did... at least there's no STD or used cars or cheat later... I would trust virgins like blind just the idea of they were able to control themself

    • Who is going to teach the girl? Their inexperienced husband? What you say doesn't work in reality and you won't know your sexual wants and needs until it's too late.

    • i don't see it a hard Job, both can be teached, what would he dislike! Sex by all type is wanted.. Sex is not innovation or collage degree... My answer Who can teach her is Books & videos for sure

    • @Universehateme books & videos? so... porn? porn magazines and porn videos? if you think they're a reliable source for good sex hahahah you poor girl. some guys taken you for a ride.

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  • Although you made a good point in your take, just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for anyone.

    Partners don't have to be 100% compatible in order to he satisfied sexually. They just have to be mostly compatible. Say John has a high sex drive and wants to have sex once a day. He wouldn't be compatible with Lexi, because she only wants sex once a month, but he could get by with Sarah, who wants sex 4 or 5 times a week.

    When you wait until marriage you are gambling. You may end up with someone 100% sexually compatible, you may end up with someone mostly compatible, or you may end up with someone who is way out of your ballpark. In your case, you lost the gamble. You were John, and he was Lexi. But another couple may end up winning the gamble.

    I'm not saying that people SHOULDN'T wait until marriage. I'm just saying that they should be aware of the gamble they are taking, and they need to be certain that its worth it to them.

    • 4-5 times a week. Lol. Lexi sre at least as common as Sarah's. Maybe more

    • I agree.

  • "... imaginary inadequacies..." All this seems like you or he for that matter has been watching soo much television and internet about sex, that it has actually effected your life.

    -I would think you or he would have the urge to have sex before marriage, but not actually do it.

    • Actually, we weren't allowed to watch porn or watch sexually suggestive television.

    • Porn? I never said anything about porn. I'm talking about regular television/movies. Not just media, but friends also.

    • Friends? Our friends are religious. We don't talk about sex. Ever. And we don't watch rated R movies or, as I said, sexually suggestive TV. That's so far from the problem.

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  • I would never go out with some one suffering from permanent depression. This is exactly what would happen.

  • I disagree heavily with point #2 as I truly believe that two people who genuinely love each other can and will make the effort to become sexually compatible. Even if you gain a lot of "practice" with others, your spouse is still a different person therefore what worked with others may not work with them. Point #1 is a bit of a slippery slope as it assumes that waiting until marriage always leads to guilt or sexual anxiety. Guess what? Fornication also leads to a lot of tears, emotional turmoil, and potential STDs. Neither side has a monopoly on potential bad consequences. Furthermore, I think waiting is actually one of the better decisions I've made so far. Not only can I maintain my religious and moral integrity, but I've avoided the emotional turmoil, confusion, and pain that a lot of people have due to their "relationships."

    • "Fornication also leads to a lot of tears, emotional turmoil, and potential STDs."
      If done stupidly, of course.
      But if done in a stupid way, almost anything can lead to problems, tears and emotional turmoil.

      FYI: Data from the 2002 survey indicate that by age 20, 77% of respondents had had sex, 75% had had premarital sex, and 12% had married; by age 44, 95% of respondents (94% of women, 96% of men, and 97% of those who had ever had sex) had had premarital sex. Even among those who abstained until at least age 20, 81% had had premarital sex by age 44. Among cohorts of women turning 15 between 1964 and 1993, at least 91% had had premarital sex by age 30. Among those turning 15 between 1954 and 1963, 82% had had premarital sex by age 30, and 88% had done so by age 44.
      CONCLUSIONS: Almost all Americans have sex before marrying.
      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17236611

    • Concerning parents: "Among those turning 15 between 1954 and 1963, 82% had had premarital sex by age 30, and 88% had done so by age 44."

    • @jacquesvol "If done stupidly, of course." Which is precisely the point. The author of the article is extrapolating the stupid way of going about a particular action into speaking for the entire action itself, when in reality it is not that simple. If some can go about waiting in a stupid manner, so can people who choose not to wait. The repercussions are more so a reflection of how the person went about their action than the action itself. Furthermore, I don't care if all other Americans are having sex. Firstly, because it doesn't concern me. And secondly, because I don't think that the goodness or badness of a choice is determined solely by how many people are making it.

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  • Counselors, marriage and sex counselors a lot of people require some professional help. Marriage has a lot of more issues besides sex if people are truly committed and love each other getting help shouldn't be an issue.

  • Personally, I didn't wait for marriage and I don't expect my kids to, but if they want it I'll support that. The idea that not having sex with someone means you don't really know if you're compatible or not in my mind is stupid. Every girl I've had sex with that I was compatible with also matched me well in just making out. And having great conversation. We talked about everything and opened up honestly. If her natural smell legitimately turns you on you are a physical match. That's just how it is. If she happens to move her hips a little different than you that doesn't make you incompatible sexually.

    I think too many people just take sex too seriously, so when it doesn't go perfectly the first "hiccup" leads them to get frustrated and say this isn't working out. Instead of just laughing it off, talking and adjusting so that it's better for both parties.

    There are other legitimate factors to know before marriage that doesn't require sex outside of it. Like sex drive. How important is sex to the other person. What is sex to them. What was their parents relationship like. How did their mom treat their dad and vice versa. Views on sex are veeery important. So yes I agree you need to get to know your partner beforehand, but I disagree that requires sex.

  • Sex is a VERY important aspect of a healthy marriage. And relationship.

  • Wow, I wouldn't imagine this would make so many people upset. Especially men. :O

  • This is what I always say to the no sex before marriage people. You need to know if you're sexually compatible.

    If it would help though, I suggest you engage in a lot of foreplay to get him in the mood. It works on men as well as women.
    It's not limited to just making out either, a touch here, a grope there, some sweet nothings whispered throughout the day like an "I'm not wearing panties" is going to go a long way if done right.

  • This is a great take. I am sorry things turned out this way for you. I agree that marriage should be a way of sealing a great deal, of saying "I like this just the way it is, and would like to keep it." There shouldn't be any surprises. I wish you nothing but the best and all of the happiness you can muster for yourself.

    • Thank you.

  • I think the middle approach is best. I think it's ideal to get it right the first time but thst doesn't mean you have to wait until you're married.

    Ideally I think it's best if you don't wait until marriage but you're still selective about it and have the goal to get it right by the third partner.

  • There's this myth that pervades our society that all men are always horny and always want sex. It's simply not true, of course, but it seems to continue. It's not unusual for a woman to have a higher sex drive then her partner, some things that you can do to help are the same things that guys are told to help their partner. Help him relax, and be comfortable both in the situation and with his body, don't be afraid to initiate and accept if it isn't working that moment. Mostly just love and care for him, and help him understand that loving and caring for you includes a satisfying sex life.

  • This should be on the required reading list, if such a thing existed on GaG. Great take, unfortunate situation. I am sorry you learned the hard way.

  • You do know that discussing all of this before getting married and getting sexual compatibility tests could have solved this problem right? for the most part anyway.

    • We did discuss it quite a bit. The problem was, things that sounded hot to him weren't that hot anymore once he actually tried them.

    • Well that's were the sexual tests come in, a part of some of them is doing it once before marriage or so I've been told, of course that's why you try new thins and such, it's a learning process. I think the main problem is like you said people get a unrealistic idea of how it's gonna be the first time like a scene in a movie or something when in fact it will be very awkward and weird and no one will know how to do anything very well and when the first time doesn't meet their expectations it can cause problems.

  • Desperate housewives who will soon end up cheating

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