He is against sex without a condom. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

This is the second time were together. The last time we were together I was a virgin and he wanted us to have sex. He didn't respect my wishes and said that hed like it more if I wasn't a virgin. It was too fast for me (10 days) and so we broke up. In the mean time I had a boyfriend and I have slept with him only once, then he broke up because his mom told him to (?). We (me and the guy from the beginning) are together for about a month. And we get along great! We had sex a few times and it was great. The I asked him if we could try without a condom. He had a strange reaction like- Im scared of STD, Im scared of pregnancy etc... Today we went out for a walk and I told him- U shouldn't be scared of STD since Im clean. And he replied- well, I wasn't the first, right. How can I know? I got a bit mad since he said that. I asked him- If u mind that Im not a virgin, why did u tell me previously that u mind me being a virgin and that u wouldn't care if I was with someone. (and the fact is that he used to have chlamydia infection before, got cured, and I dont mind us being together without a condom). He replied that he was just joking. And about pregnancy I told him- Im independent. Even if that happens u dont have to be in contact with me or the child. So- no strings attached. The fact that is making me confused is- he talks about our future together, why is he scared of changes and obligations? Why is he so against sex without a condom? For me everything he said is stupid- I mean women dont get pregnant so often outside their fertile days... People do have sex without a condom and not everyone is pregnant after... Should I just leave that subject alone and let it be?

[BearsAnswers]

He is against sex without a condom because he is smart, and because he can think about the future, and about all sorts of different possibilities.

Sex without a condom is what is stupid, not the other way around.

Sure, if the two of you both get complete STD tests right now, you can check that one off as a risk. But only if you get a complete STD check, now. Just saying "I'm clean" doesn't mean anything. Just assuming that you didn't catch anything along the way fooling around with other people isn't 100%, even if you weren't having penetrative sex. Impossible to claim to be clean without a recent, complete, STD test.

As for pregnancy... you being independent means less than nothing, to be honest. First of all, women can most certainly get pregnant outside their most fertile days. Secondly, just because you say "you don't have to do anything for the baby" now doesn't mean you won't come after him later for child support. He is being smart not banking his entire future on a comment made by a woman he has only been with for a month who wants to practice unsafe sex.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you seem to be making a lot of shaky assumptions. This guy sounds like he has done some thinking about his life. I am glad to hear there are still some guys like that out there.

[rjroy3]

He's paranoid and rightfully so. If he doesn't want a kid, it's better to be proactive about it. I don't know why he brought up STD. Sounded more like it was just an extra excuse for him because he doesn't want to say he's scared to have sex without a condom.
You could tell him about how getting pregnant works and show him what days you can or can't get pregnant. But he also has to be taking a piss after he ejaculates, to clear the passage so no sperm is lingering around.
I currently have sex without a condom with my girlfriend for many many months now and have never had a scare. But I'll tell you, he'll get over the fear if you start taking the birth control pill.

[Anonymous]

Are you secretly desperate to have a child?
How can someone say that it doesn't matter, you would like to raise the child by yourself.. ever thought about the child, that might want to get to know its daddy? And how a man feels, knowing there is his child running around somewhere?

I think this guy is esp. regarding the pregnancy issue absolutely correct, since you have been together for a month only! And when it comes to STD's he obviously had bad experiences before, I can understand that he is hesitant. You both should get checked before you have sex without a condom.

[Asker]

No, Im not desperate to have a child. Im only 30 and I have plenty of years to do that. But Im not scared of it. I mean- I would keep it if that happened... And the child shouldn't want to get to know the father who didn't want to stick around.

[Asker]

And yeah... Women concieve sometimes even with a condom. So- what if that happened? Should a woman expose her body to abortion because he isn't ready to be a dad? Or she should keep her child and raise him/her? I mean that a childs life if more important than ahving a relationship with someone who doesn't want an obligation in his 30s...

[Opinion Owner]

What does abortion have to do with it? You are already talking about a hypothetical case. Of course, once you are pregnant, the situation is different. I am pro-choice and think then its the womens own decision, the situation with the man is of minor importance. Although by law its the child right to get to know its father, as irresponsible as he might be! But if a man refuses to have sex without a condom to prevent you from being pregnant and HIM becoming a father, then that is his decision as well. I am also 30 and I am happy for any responsible man that age. As long as he commits mentally to you, you should at least wait a year, to see if you two are compatible. And if you want a child one day, you should talk to him early about it, to see if he might want children, once you know each other longer.

[Asker]

Lets be honest since you are my age... Im scared of guys who are scared to death of your pregnancy. Since u spend time on your relationship with him and then after a year or two he leaves and you are 32 without a trace of someone to have a child with one day... MAybe Im panicking without a reason since he is nice to me. But- one day he said that he would like to move away from his parents and be alone and not to leave to get married. And that makes me worry since he is younger than me- what if my time pass and he leaves me for another one?

[Opinion Owner]

yes, I understand where you are coming from. I just recently broke up with my bf and every man you obviously meet must be checked for future "daddy/husband" potential. Yes, men who would not support you and are freaking scared, are annoying. On the one hand, you want to give them a chance, on the other they don't seem worth the "life-time". I guess, your boy here is a bit too young and immature. He still lives with his parents? Seems like this guy is not ready to commit and settle down. If I were you, I would keep the condom, because he doesn't seem like being the right guy for making a child.

[Asker]

Well... People here mostly live with their parents... So its nothing strange. The fact is- I see that he is changing and that he cares. He made much effort and changed many things for me in only one month. And today he said smt like- "People who are hairy get bold earlier. So u my lady are convicted be with a boldy" (meaning - the future)... And in one hand- its too early to speak about pregnancy and life time with a guy u see for a month and in the other- why waste time? Dont know, Im scared... And for the record- I dont mind being a single mom... :)

[Anonymous]

Women can get pregnant 365 days a year. I'm not sure where you took sex ed, but they can get pregnant at any time.

So he's stupid because he wants to practice safe sex? Okay...

My boyfriend and I practice safe sex because even though he wants to be a father and would be a good one, he doesn't want to be one right NOW.

This guy sounds really intelligent about safe sex. You on the other hand...

[Anonymous]

So... you're not even going to be on birth control or anything? You can get pregnant at any time, there are just times when it's more likely or less likely. Why take the risk though? He doesn't want a child, so it makes perfect sense that he wants to use a condom.

[dartmaul15]

Let me get this right? YOU are MAD at him because he's responsible? Are you frigin kidding me?
Doing it without protection is like ASKING to be pregnant. Even if he pulls out, precum can (as in, this is the case for most/all healthy males) contain enough sperm cells to impregnate you with no problem. After all, one drop is enough.

Honestly, i'd do exactly the same as him. Even if you claim you're an independent woman, you still got legal rights to at the very least demind child suport, and most guys have seen enough stories of men being tricked to know that women can lie about that (does it make him sound distrusting? well, blame society). Sorry sweetie, but you're not getting anything from him unless you're using a form of birth controll, and honestly that's how i think it should be!

[Asker]

Dont u guys think that women can (because they do) only say that they are using birth control and get pregnant? If a woman wants to get pregnant she will, trust me...

[dartmaul15]

Yep i know they lie about, but not going to trick me, i'm making sure of that. Ain't getting in my pants to start with XD Also in some countries they are debating wether lying about birth controll or fertility should be a legal reason to refuse paying child support. I'd love to see that happen (imagine the feminist rage).

[Asker]

How can u make sure of that?

[dartmaul15]

One. No fucking arround. problem solved. You DO realize not every guy simply wants to get in your pants, right? As for when i meet a girl i'm actualy ok having sex with. 1. I'll have dated her for quite a while. 2. The topic of sex and protection have been brought up and agreed opon. 3. Good luck getting me to not use a condom. 4. I'd rather see her being on birth controll too (in case you wonder, lying about that if the intention is to trick me into wedlcok is a dealbreaker) 5. don't have sex if you aren't aware of the concequenses. See what i just did? YOu know what that's called? responsibility. You don't have it. And "women don't get pregnant so often outside their fertile days". Let me ask you; how long does the period last, when is those "fertile days" and how long can healthy sperm cells survive inside a human body? But seeing as you've decided it's safe... doubht you'll listen...

[Asker]

"in case you wonder, lying about that if the intention is to trick me into wedlcok is a dealbreaker" Do you think she would care if thats a dealbreaker for you when she is counting your money? :) BTW... That is what I say. I dont need a man nor his money if he doesn't want to have anything to do with the kid and me. If he is immature and irresponsible I dont care.

[dartmaul15]

You want a kid? Why not go to a sperm bank? A lot simpler, and you won't have anyone questioning if you want to trick them. Simple as that!

[gonyr]

Seriously people, use condoms. It's not a big deal. Sex will still feel great and you won't get pregnant.

[Tractorbeam]

I've never used a condom in long term relationships. If you trust each other to be monogamous, and you both start off STD free, there shouldn't be a problem.
You still need some form of birth control, but that's not difficult.

I think he has a trust issue about the possibility of pregnancy. He doesn't want to leave it all in your hands. He wants his own insurance.

[stevie123]

In the US for example, a guy is responsible for the child, and is responsible for paying.
He can be jailed and refused a passport for not paying child support.
He is probably thinking these things.
The $13000 per year bill has him on edge.
I would not be dumping loads in a independent girl I only knew for a month

[TadCurious]

He wants to practice safe, responsible sex. I can't blame him for that. Whether or not you're independent and you wouldn't mind getting pregnant doesn't mean he has to feel that way.

[ShaeNielson]

Because he isn't a fucking idiot, like you obviously are.

[Asker]

Oh... Guess that u get pregnant every time u sleep with a guy... Guess u are a fertility Godess. A bit of education wouldn't harm...

[ShaeNielson]

You are the one in need of education here ;) You can get pregnant always, it's not just a few days a month. Get your facts straight, before you play teacher. And maybe he isn't in danger of getting STD's, but if he have had unprotected sex before, then you could get them.

[Asker]

You can get pregnant even with a condom, even with pills... U can get pregnant every time, even if u just do the petting... So- odds are always there. The point is- if u are ready to have sex with a partner that u have chosen for yourself then u should be mature enough to be ready to be a parent... But- if someone did think like that there wouldn't be more abortions than newborns... Sex IS responsibility...

[ShaeNielson]

Condoms are 87% safe, thats a lot. As soon as the dick enters the vagina, there is a risk, but if you protect yourself, then you are pretty safe. "The point is- if u are ready to have sex with a partner that u have chosen for yourself then u should be mature enough to be ready to be a parent" I strongly disagree with that. Humans feel pleasure during sex, therefore it isn't only to reproduce. If you are mature enough to have sex, then you should be mature enough, to take the consequences yes. Abortion, adoption or having the baby. But it should never be forced upon young people, to become parents, just because they had sex.

[Asker]

Well... In my family for example it went- brains first. First u get through high school and start a college and then u go into sexual relationship. We were brought up to know that sex is responsibility. That is what this world lacks. Everyone tell children that sex is cool but no one tells then that they can ruin their life even with three condoms on...

[ShaeNielson]

If you are dumb enough to use 3 condoms, then you should not be having sex.. Sex doesn't have to lead to death and babies, as long as you are responsible. If you practice safe sex, then you should just do it. You preach about responsibility, but you still 'force' your boyfriend, to have unprotected sex with you, how is that being responsible? Maybe you are ready to have a baby, but it does not sound like he is. Even though you say you don't need his help, it's still his baby. When it gets to hard for you, Im sure you'll come running to him for help and child support. He can't just put the responsibility away.

[Strider90]

It doenst matter that you're independent. He doesn't want to take such risk and I don't blame him for that.

[Anonymous]

Because he is irresponsible

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to have a kid I know I am avoiding kids until life settles down. So I can't blame him. Talk about it and see if he wants kids at so. e point or is never interested in the idea.

[Asker]

Well... I sometimes add an idea about the kids. And he doesn't seem to be against them. But the fact is- he said that he would like to leave his parents house to live alone a bit and not to get married. So it makes me worry- am I just losing time with him? And I can't ask since its a little bit freaky to ask a guy if hed like to marry and have kids after just a month... :)

[Opinion Owner]

Ya I don't know he doesn't want kids with you I know that. Why would any one want kids with a person they have only been with a month. I don't have sex with a girl until I talk to her at least 3 months cause I don't want a girl to get what she wants and ditch me. Hive it time and he may feel differint l eventually but a month is short.