Is my girlfriend a slut?

[Stizz83]

My girlfriend is 24 and said she has had sex with 16 different guys (and yes, I believe that is her ACTUAL # and not divided by three or anything like that). She also said that she has easily made out with over 100 guys. Is she a slut? These numbers kind of bother me. I'm 29 and I just recently got out of a very long term relationship. She is the 8th person I've slept with. I guess I wish my number was higher, and it would be if I wasn't tied down with one person through most of my 20s. I realize that I might be a little jealous that her number is double mine. But I really think that I'm just a little grossed out, and dissapointed and, quite honestly, shocked at some of her past behavior and I can't get it out of my head. I really love her and I really believe that she loves me. I also don't believe that she would ever cheat on me. But man, I just can't stop thinking about what a slut she has been in the past. If we were to stay together and get married that mouth would have to kiss my kids... I don't know.

[nicenthic]

Here's why it bothers you.

Men and women are equals. This does not mean that they are equal in every single thing they do. For example, men are, on average, physically stronger than women. It is much easier for a semi attractive (even a 6/10) woman to go out and get laid. The same cannot be said about men. Men have to work at it, have some skill (game) and thereby get a woman to sleep with them. It is a LOT harder for an equally attractive man to get women than it is the other way around. This is one of reasons behind why we, as a society, naturally celebrate men who are successful in bedding multiple women; while at the same time shame women who bed multiple men.

Let us briefly visit the topic of virginity from both perspectives. Virginity in a man is not a desirable state or label when it comes to an attribute that the opposite gender wants. This is because he has obviously not been preselected by other women. However, female virginity is not looked at negatively in the least by men. If she looks decent, no man cares if the girl is a virgin or not. In fact, a female virgin is often wanted more.

Now don't get me wrong, men LOVE sluts. We will never turn down an opportunity to sleep with a good looking slut. Partly because she's good in bed, partly because it's sex. But any decently intelligent, self-respecting man will know that it is a terrible idea to emotionally involve himself (i.e. date) with a slutty girl. That would be a very dumb move. Why would any man want to get emotionally involved with a girl who's had 15+ sexual partners? We would just be setting ourselves up for failure. There are many nice worthy girls out there who don't have daddy issues and haven't slept with an entire fraternity house. But, by all means, fvck the brains out of sluts in the meanwhile.

Most guys can detect when a girl is a slut by the first few dates and by what he hears about the girl from other people and from the girl herlself. We put this information together and figure out if she is dating material or not. If not, I like most guys, will still go in for the prize but have no intention of following through with dating the dirty little tart.

To put it simply, a lock that can be opened by many keys is a useless lock and of little worth. But a key that can open many locks is a master key and is valuable.

[nicenthic]

and sluts don't change dude. Some of them pretend to have changed. Break up with her and watch her spread them for half the city.

[l-hedoniste]

When I was her age, I had her numbers doubled. Didn't think it was a big deal then, I don't now. I have no shame, no regret, and I don't date girls who can't deal. I'm happy, very happy, with how it all went down. I'd do it again.

All that to say that I'm perhaps not the best role model for your girl.

Short answer: you decide whether her number's too high or not. I will say--seeing what guys have let get away, to their regret--that a number is a monstrously stupid reason to set the perfect woman and wife loose. However: your life, your home, your call.

You want to have a good think about what role your jealousy has in this. If you're annoyed because she had the sex life you wanted, that's on you. She made the decisions she made for her own reasons, as any adult has a right to do. She doesn't owe you the past you want, so you can let that go.

You'll also want to have a good think about what your role is in her remorse. It's entirely possible that she's ashamed and upset because shame and upset is what she thinks you require from her. (How very sad if that's actually the case.) If you approached her past with acceptance, she might have had a different attitude.

[selfishstars]

So, you're having an emotional reaction to her sexual history. Can you identify what, specifically, is making you feel that way?

I mean, imagine if you hadn't been in a long-term relationship through most of your twenties, would you have slept with more girls? Would you have limited yourself to a certain number under 16? I guess what I'm getting at is: Are you holding her to a different standard than you would have held yourself to?

And saying "If we were to stay together and get married that mouth would have to kiss my kids" is just immature. I imagine you're getting at the fact that she's probably had oral sex with other men. We both know that "d***" doesn't stay on someone's mouth after they've given oral sex. It's not like she hasn't brushed her teeth since she's done it, and would it really make a difference if she had been with only, say, 5 guys?

I imagine you kiss her on the mouth, too. If you really believed this, you wouldn't kiss her, and you wouldn't kiss your own children because you've probably had 8 different vaginas on your mouth. And you wouldn't let her give you oral sex, because in essence, she'd be sucking your d*** and then kissing your kids with the same mouth.

Your girlfriend has more sexual experience than you. So what? You said that you love her and believe she loves you and wouldn't cheat on you. My guess is that the only problem here is that you need to stop being insecure and holding her to different standards than you'd likely hold yourself to. Otherwise, you're letting something petty come in between you and a (I assume) great girl.

[dudeman]

its not immature you really need to stop name calling not everybody is OK with being with women that did this kind of stuff and it doesn make them immature

[selfishstars]

I didn't call anybody any names. When people ask a question, they are going to get a variety of different opinions/responses. This is mine. It's different from yours. Who cares? The QA will either take the advice he thinks is right, or maybe none at all. Personally, I think it's great to get a variety of opinions, since it allows you to think about the issue from different points of view.

[dudeman]

you call them immature that offensive and its simply not true am I immature becasue I like the color green and like green jackets and I won't wear a yellow one, no its simply a matter of taste and preference not maturity

[selfishstars]

I didn't call him immature, I said the particular statement he made was immature. I explained in my answer why I didn't think there was good logic behind the statement he made (which is why I think it's immature). People can choose whether or not they get offended by something. No where in my answer did I say his preferences were immature, however, people CAN have immature preferences, in my opinion, if they don't have good reasoning behind their preference.

[dudeman]

those are called phobias not immaturity

[vmw2008]

So you wish your number was higher than it is...but you're judging her and feeling disgusted with her over something you wish you could've done? Like another girl said below, if you had had the opportunity in your twenties to sleep with 16 people, or even more than that, would you have stopped at some "special, divider between slut and non slut" number? Even if you were attracted to her and she was willing? I'm guessing not.

You're entitled to feel however you want to feel. It's not as if we can control it. I just hope you take a look at what you expect out of your partners in comparison to what you expect out of yourself. You pretty much admitted that you would've slept with that many people given the time and opportunity. So what's worse? Who's different here? You both seem pretty alike to me.

[saltycheeks]

No she isn't a "slut". Why is it a problem that she had sex and kissed whoever she wanted to? So she shouldn't have done any of that at all because then she would be called a slut? The only reason people think being a slut is bad is because society says so. If she was being safe when she decided to sleep with whoever then nothing needs to be said...I'm dying to know why "being a slut" or being "easy" is worthy of being judged harshly over.



Its funny that you wish your number was higher but hers is and now you wonder if she's a slut

and before people get on my case, I'm still a virgin but I see no problem with a girl wanting to hookup with who ever she wants

[dudeman]

well I think even cave men would not be cool with women that got around we would probably kill her kids and the men that slept with her if society didn't exist and we were in the wild

[saltycheeks]

ok but my question was WHY is the guy upset or bothered by it. A girl having sex has been decided to be bad when its not and women are judged harsly for it for no reason

[b_luvedbaby]

I just don't understand one thing: In order for a guy to have sex he has to sleep with a woman...but then that same woman is labeled a 'slut'. Is it because she is expected to ONLY have sex with that one guy who slept with her? That's it, she's never allowed to sleep with anyone else. I don't see guys following that rule...

[l-hedoniste]

You're right, and I don't get it either. I wish girls called this bullsh*t more.

[jahgreen]

Sure she's a slut. Why is it a good thing to treat sex like having a cup of coffee?

[gidget11210]

Yes. That's considered a slutty number. Maybe she just used to be a lot looser and has grown up with age. So, while yes, that's a pretty high number for a 24 year old girl, you shouldn't really judge her for her past when it should be the future your concerned about. She can't change the past. But if she's like proud that's she's had sex with so many guys, or she seems like she's gloating, that may be cause for concern.

[saltycheeks]

can I just ask why being "loose" is a bad thing? If the person is being safe why is it bad for them to hookup with whoever they want to and be happy about doing so? Serious question here

[dudeman]

its not bad nobody ever said it was bad

[gidget11210]

chill. I just meant that maybe she used to be more into like one night stands. that's something that people go through and grow out of normally. and its bad if your not and you'll f*** pretty much anyone. I didn't say that she was though soo

[jahgreen]

Being loose is not bad as long as a person is willing to exclude as potential partners anybody who thinks sex should be something special between two people rather than just like having a cup of coffee.

[EverythingReal]

Well a tip of dating guidelines is to date someone with similar experiences so that you are more compatible, but that does not seem to be the problem.

First off, the more sex partners, the more std's you could be exposed to, 16 people, and if each of those people have had sex with multiple people...well, it adds up. But that's also not the biggest problem here.

You never want to have a high number of sex partners because if this relationship does not work it can turn future girls away from you.

If your girlfriend has been sexually active since she was 16 (hypotetically speaking) and had a steady relationship rate, she would have sex with two different people a year, think about that. It sounds like she could have had a "whore streak" in one of her years when she just let her self get out of hand for a while. If she has slept with that many people she probably doesn't have great luck with relationships, but that's just the idea I get.

[Levin]

"You never want to have a high number of sex partners because if this relationship does not work it can turn future girls away from you." How do you mean by this?

[EverythingReal]

Some girls prefer guys who don't get around town more times than a city bus. See how you react to your girl having many past? Girls can do that too with guys. Some find it hard to imagine marrying someone who has had sex with 20 other girls.

[EverythingReal]

Sorry, thought you were the question asker. Same message, one to five can be easily understandable, but a lot of sex partners can make one question if the other is ready to make a commitment. If that clears anything up.

[Levin]

Oh yes, I agree. Then again I suppose any confines like '1 to 5' has to be arbitrary to some degree. My main concern with regard to people sleeping around is STDs, given, some lay dormant.

[b_luvedbaby]

I hate the mentality that it's fine for a guy to have a lot of partners, but if a girl does then she's a slut. You said yourself that you wish your number was higher, but you're upset because hers is? That's a double standard. Don't call her a slut, you said she's ashamed and doesn't like talking about it. We all do dumb things when we're young.

[dudeman]

for it to be a double standard men and women would have to be the same and were not

[b_luvedbaby]

And what exactly is the difference in this situation?

[dudeman]

well if I have to tell you you should go back to school

[b_luvedbaby]

Don't insult me, just admit it, you can't answer the question. That's because there is no difference. If it's fine for a guy to have a high number than it should be fine for a girl.

[dudeman]

i just don't want to go into it

[saltycheeks]

lol what? Here you go: double standard noun a rule or principle that is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups ...why would men and women have to be the same?

[b_luvedbaby]

Ya ok...

[b_luvedbaby]

lol, Thanks Saltycheeks :)

[dudeman]

its not a double standard because men and women want different things from each other that's all it is nothing more nothing less blame women for putting out and accepting ment that get around your asking men not to be men and that's simpley not realistic

[b_luvedbaby]

OMG dude, you just don't get it and since we have VERY different opinions on this subject I'd appreciate it if you just stop commenting.

[b_luvedbaby]

LOL, 4 people are idiots who can't stand it when women stand up for themselves.

[jahgreen]

Well, dudeman is a clown and I don't believe in a double standard but what's wrong with believing that sex should be more special than fucking every person who looks at you?

[firstlast]

She's not a slut. I was in the same situation with my husband and we've been married 11 years and it used ot bother him a little but not at all now. At least she was honest with you and told you. You'll be happier for it years down the road because that virgin prude will give it up maybe once or twice a month after she pops out all those kids she's been dreaming of. My husband is thankful becuase he gets sex regularly and all of his friends are complaining their wives don't put out. At least she has a sex drive. (btw, my husband had 2 partners before me and he ended up cheating on me. I knew what was out there so I never cheated)

[dudeman]

how does being a virgin make a person a prude

[jahgreen]

Prude shaming. Interesting.

[jahgreen]

Yeah, typical shaming of people who don't believe in fucking at the drop of a hat.

[Levin]

You're contradicting yourself here. If you had the opportunity you would have slept with more by now, and yet she's a 'dirty slut' apparently, which is a lovely way to describe your partner and someone whom you supposedly love. 16 is undoubtedly a high number. So your best bet seems to me to discuss it over with her. Be frank, tell her that it concerns you, and if she could help you understand her past. You have to deal with this rationally though, you both need to talk about this calmly, I know it's an extremely awkward topic. But it is one that has to be dealt with, other wise, it will eat away at you, and will manifest itself in rather cruel and underhand behavior on your part whenever you get into an argument. I'm quite appalled at the other juveniles here who characterise women in such appalling terms. People do change, and peoples' behavior usually seldom can be explained away in such black and white terms. The virgins or those with no relationship experience here commenting on this are laughable.

[virgininla]

Two things. I don't believe she made out with over 100 guys and only slept with 16 of them. I bet her number is much higher than 16. And to answer your question, she was a slut. Hopefully she isn't doing that kind of stuff behind your back.

And you are right to be disturbed about it, but if you love her you should stay with her. A friend of mine is a reformed slut, it was just a phase she went through when she was a teenager. Today she is in her early 30s and hasn't been a slut in over 10 years, so it is really in the past.

[diamond3]

i mean does her past matter? as long as she dosen't kiss a guy or have sex with a guy while with you isn't it ok?

[jahgreen]

This is the excuse of everyone who want to be loose. Of course her past matters if it shows a different attitude toward sex. It seems it might not be special to her. What if a potential partner wants it to be special. Do you think someone's past employment history matters when applying for a job?

[starlight124]

Not a slut, just adventurous?

[misslinda-pwetty]

those comment tho, that's a lot of people to sleep with at that age especially. like wow, i would and would never sleep with so much guys

[dudeman]

its definitely 16 more then ideal, and serously you can't turn a ho into a housewife there is a lot of truth in that women don't hit their sexual peak till they are in the mid 30s when we start to lose our sex drive so I wonder where she will go then old habits die hard plus man think did she suck these guys d*** swallow their come get blasted on the face take it up the ass you don't have to live with that buddy but do what you want and have a nice day

[dudeman]

three thumbs down for telling it like it is

[b_luvedbaby]

No, it's because you're an idiot.

[dudeman]

im the smartest man you will never meet

[BoobMan]

Don't worry about your number of partners not being higher. After all--you were probably getting pretty regular sex during all that time you were in a relationship.

Now, about your girlfriend; the important question ISN'T how many guys she's slept with. For your purposes, you need to know:

1) if she has any STDs

2) if she engaged in extremely risky sexual behavior (since some STDs may not show up in tests for awhile or may test falsely negative

3) if she ever cheated on a partner

Those are the things that could DIRECTLY impact you. Yeah, she's probably bummed she hasn't been able to hold down a steady relationship so she sees her "high" number as sign of that.

[dudeman]

images of her being pounded out by 16 guys impacts you

[BoobMan]

Ha! Maybe, but question asker seems pretty mum about mentioning exactly what his issue(s) is/are or engaging on any of the responses, so it's hard to tell exactly what the problem is which makes it hard to give better advice.

[dudeman]

he said he doesn't like to think about it his girl getting pounded out that is but it directly effects you especially if you live in a town and not a city

[BoobMan]

Could be dudeman, could be. But I guess we won't be getting any more info from the source than we have already.

[Anonymous]

'Fraid so.

[Anonymous]

i have a high number but id rather be with someone who sees sexuality the way I do. I would not want to date a guy who believes in terms like slut as a reality. if you can't stomach it, then let her go before she gets more emotionally invested in you. let her find someone else who's more on her level with this and sees sex from a more liberal point of view. its best not only for your happiness (you can find a girl who is more innocent with a much smaller number) and for hers (she can find a guy who isn't fazed by sexual experience). everyone wins in the long run. and you shouldn't be with someone who disgusts you, its not fair to you or them and if you stay with her but don't let her know then its just dishonest.

however, if she wants someone like you in her life and actually feels bad about her past, then there's a whole different level of unhealthy going on there from my point of view, but its up to you all to figure out what works best for you.

[l-hedoniste]

Bravo! Well said!

[nicenthic]

Or you can pretend to be cool with her slutty ways, bang her repeatedly, and then when you're done or find someone who's actually dating material (read: not a whorebag), you move on.

[Anonymous]

It really doesn't seem unreasonable high to me. If you aren't in a relationship in college, you're reasonably attractive, you don't have religious objections or sexual issues, it's fairly easy to rack up some numbers--it's a great time to act a little crazy and figure things out.

[jahgreen]

What do you figure out by getting laid every night?

[Anonymous]

You are referring to her as a slut already so I'm thinking this is not something you are going to get past. Although personally I don't blame you for how you feel if you want to stay with her put the past behind you and DONT look back. If you can't do this then move on on because I have seen friends stay in relationships in situations like this and 10yrs later they still are bringing it up and are worried and upset about it. That is not a healthy relationship.

[dudeman]

i agree get out this isn't going to be healthy you can find a women that's past doesn't bother maybe the other one will snore I can deal with snoring

[Anonymous]

Seems slutty, but maybe her behavior has changed. You said yourself that she loves you and doesn't cheat. You also said that you're a bit jealous that she's slept with double the people and that your number would be higher if you weren't tied to one person during most of your 20s. People can change, especially if they have a reason to (which I'm guessing in her case might be YOU). Don't leave her because of past mistakes, you (and she) can't do anything about that now.

However, like gidget said, if she gloated about these numbers that most likely means she's still her same old self, which would be a good reason for concern.

[dudeman]

changing for somebody is a real bad thing to do its the wrong reason to change its not really change at all

[Opinion Owner]

If it really bothers you, I don't know what to tell you to do. You seem to realize that she has changed, but that doesn't console you much. I can see how it would bother you, but now that you realize she really is ashamed and is totally committed to you, I would hope you could get over it. There's nothing more she can do about it.

[Opinion Owner]

Dudeman, I didn't see your comment. I agree with you, but I think (at least from reading this) that he has made her want to change, but hasn't forced her to, so she's changed on her own because of her own wants. I hope that makes sense :/

[dudeman]

it makes sense but if I was to get with a women with a past she would have to have been single and abstinate for like 5 years or so and still be under 25 you change for yourself when your young and still attractive if your old and lossing options that doesn't count

[Opinion Owner]

It all depends on your perspective...

[Anonymous]

She's a slut man. Hope you've got a big d*** that can keep her satisfied. If not, she'll be thinking of all the past guys that could. Have fun with that. We all know there were 16 other guys that did (probably more though).

[Anonymous]

Dude, if you've gotta ask...:(