What is a wife to do when her husband NEVER initiates sex?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and I am really ready to give up on having a sex life. I am 33 y/o, but I feel 80 y/o because my husband NEVER initiates sex. Through the years, my husband has had various excuses. First, it was his job causing him stress. So I went back to work so I could financially contribute to the dream of starting his own business. Second excuse was financial, he was always whining that he didn't have enough money to do the traveling he needed to do to make the business successful. So we were blessed with a small financial windfall, the finance excuse has been out of the picture for a year now. While we were on a recent trip I brought up the fact that he had not initiated sex in years, and that his lack of interest makes no sense. He had the NERVE to say that we have a lot of sex through the years.Then he said that he was sure that the number would far exceed 1500 times.Obviously he thinks that he gets to "retire" from his sexual duties now. We have NO kids, and I have no plans on having any with him anymore! Children would give him an excuse for the next 18 years! He doesn't have to work anymore so he is ALWAYS home with me, so I know that he is not cheating. I thought it was my appearance (even though I am not heavy set), so I work out and tried the lingerie.NOTHING! He rather listen to Christian worship music all night, than have sex with me. He had a spiritual awakening last year, and is obsessed with studying theology. I live by faith, but he is non-stop, 24/7, on and on. I only wish he would put at least 1% of that enthusiasm into having sex with me. I have never had sex with any other man besides my husband, and I take my vows very seriously. I really have no idea how to deal with this situation. I do not believe in divorce, so I'm stuck. Perhaps there is a prescription drug that kills a woman's sex drive that I can take, then I could live sex free but without the frustration.

[jadeholloway]

Hi,

I really empathise with you.

Next year I will be 40 and my hormones are rampant. On one level I really would love to have a family, I became so desperate 4 years ago and ended up angry, despairing and in tears because I wanted a family. Last year I was working part time as a reflexologist helping other women with fertility. I knew all the answers and also was working on myself and persuading my husband to try therapy to relax him etc. He never initiates sex and has not for the past 8 years or so. I am blessed with a great body 38 24 38 and have altered my appearance so many times to be fresh and attractive for him. I have tried massage, being sensitive and supportive, ignoring sex hoping taking the focus off him would help him. I have tried being seductive with corsets and nice underwear. I have tried talking to him about being more intimate by starting with compliments and date nights.

He was my best friend and so supportive about me wanting a baby. He would decide the names with me and talk about being a parent and what a wonderful mother I would be. He only shared these feelings through after I had been angry, upset and threatened to leave. He would cry, say how scared he was of being a father and also open up about his family. His mother died last year and I find it very odd that he never talks about it. Also with sex, for the past 3 years I tired but I always felt like I was being abusive, he would go frigid and giggle and be awkward. So.. I lost my confidence and gave up.. until the frustration and hormones raged. We would then repeat the cycle. We have had sex about 3 times a year.. I have had to go to hell and back emotionally. I thought when his mother died that he would become more vulnerable and open, that we would discuss things and become intimate. We are now in relationship counselling and I am doing all the talking, about how angry I am at his father, how upset I am to lose his mother. He just sits and listens but never talks about any of this. He has only ever cried for his mother when I have been really upset and close to leaving him. I feel manipulated and that my time is running out. I don't want to give up on him and want to continue the counselling but I have to put a time limit on it. I am thinking May and if things have not changed then I have to be strong. Problem is... I am now very active in the business and have learnt all the skills for this.. it was due to losing his mum and feeling needed as a support. Great for him. I am so sensitive and adaptable that I have adapted to suit him and his life. He has a strong successful business. I do a lot but only get given the admin and only get credit for the community endeavours that gain us a lot of respect in the town.

When his mum died his father was disgusting. He denied her food when she could not feed herself and ripped up her photo she wanted for her funeral. He lied that he did it. I know he has been abused and I feel he has to talk about this for us.

[gravygirl]

You don't mention this, but I assume he used to initiate sex, right? If so, there's something wrong. His excuses don't add up and you know it, something else is stopping him. This could be a lot of things and I don't really know how to guess at it. The only thing I think you can do is really press him for the truth. If that fails, I guess there's always marriage counseling. Not that I know too much about that, but I'd guess it'd be good at unearthing these kind of buried things.

Okay I lied, one little guess. Does he resent you or look down on you for not being as into religion as he is?

[Asker]

We both believe in the same religion, and before last year, he had NO interest in studying or discussing religion. I love God, I read scripture, and I live a clean and conservative lifestyle and always have. I don't think he resents me. I contribute to endless discussions with him and have never said to stop talking or I heard enough. Religion is not the problem, it is just another scape goat for him. I think he has just gotten lazy through the years. Thank you for the comment!

[gravygirl]

Sorry, that was just an atheist's wild stab at something she doesn't know much about. Well, a different question then. Is he a bit older than you? Because it doesn't seem normal to me for a guy in his early thirties to not be interested in sex anymore. I have some experience with that age range, and I really don't think it's common. Maybe I just haven't been with a guy long enough, but my impression is that they never get so lazy that they're not interested in sex. Just my guess though.

[NotTheMomma]

Some of the steps I might try if I were in your situation:

1. Ask him why he won't initiate sex - You've already tried this and he's given reasons that sound like they've turned into excuses.

2. Let him know how you feel - Tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn't initiate sex or rejects you. Be honest and open with him.

3. Make a schedule - I'm not sure this is really a good step and I feel like an idiot suggesting it, but I'm not married nor am I in your situation (though I ain't gettin' any either, hehe.that's another story). But.maybe if you set aside certain days to have sex, he might remember how much he enjoys it and want to do it more regularly. Once you get a rhythm going, then maybe shake it up a little and make it more spontaneous in some way.

4. Have date nights - Sorta related to number 3. Have a night out to yourselves and make it like a date. See a movie, dinner, dancing, demolition derby, watching paint dry.whatever! Go out and have some type of fun and hopefully it'll turn into romance. :)

5. Counseling - If none of that works OR if he's unwilling to try, I'd suggest counseling. Yes, I know how "anti-guy" this is but he's acting very "anti-guy" by not doing his husbandly duties, though on that note marriage vows state "to have and hold and love from this day forward" or something to that effect.a vow made in the presence of God (I'm not a religious person but you and he both are. You might remind him of that.) Hopefully counseling will get to the root of the issue and help ya both out.

Lastly, divorce.well, not sure what to tell you since you are not a believer in it. From a religious standpoint, do you think God would want you to be miserable during the existence He's given you? He wants you to enjoy life, and currently, you are not. From my own standpoint, if I were your friend, I'd hate to see you suffering or miserable. People have a right to be happy.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same position, except I'm a guy, and it drives me nuts. I have been married for 12 years and am 35. I have tried everything that I can think if and nothing works. It is as if she is annoyed/put off by sex. I have an over whelming sex drive and am just as frustrated as you are. My wife would lay there next to me naked for a month and say that she wants sex, yet she would never do anything to initiate it at all. The closest that she would get to foreplay is to try and cuddle with me being careful not to touch me anywhere that could be considered foreplay. She will wear lingerie if I really harp on her for having a bunch and never using it, but as soon as she puts it on she will jump into bed so I can't see her. Same with the shower, she tries to keep me from looking at her. I think she is hot and I tell her all the time but it still has no effect. For him maybe you can try some of what I found. There are a few verses in the bible I might be able to find and give to you. If he is truly has his nose in the bible and follows Gods word what can he say against it? Other than that I really don't know what else to say to you. Just a warning that this has not worked for me and I wonder if there is ever anything that will. But in the position that we are in I will try almost anything.

[gravygirl]

The thing with the lingerie and the shower sounds like your wife is self-conscious about her body. Has she put on weight since you've been together? It's hard to initiate things as a girl when you don't feel sexy yourself.

[Asker]

I'm sorry you are going through this as well . It really makes me resent ever getting married in the first place. If my husband dies first, I will NEVER get married again! As for the scriptures, I tried that. I brought up a couple, and he continued to bring up others and made a 2 hour bible study out of it...thank you for the suggestion though!

[ih82w8]

Well if he is really into theology here is a good one for you-

In one of the most sacred of biblical texts it is stated that a married man has the obligation to pleasure and satisfy his wife before the end of the Sabbath each week. It then goes on to say that even though he is obligated he should not look at it like other obligations for it is also one of the greatest Mitzvas (good deeds) he can fulfill. If he needs to know which book it is, its in the Kabbalah.

Anyway hope this helps him see the light so that you can get lucky!

[ih82w8]

Oh and as for the idea about taking a drug to diminish your sex drive, I would say no, don't do it. But, that does give me a great idea, when ever you want sex just take a Viagra and Micky his drink with it, If you do that you will see that the Bonner is a creature that simply can't be ignored for ever, since for most guys it sucks all the blood out of our other head and in the end the head with the most blood gets to make the decisions for both heads. Just kidding but I bet it would work.

[Grosayfious255]

Talk to your pastor about it. If he's too busy to do anything, then join a different church.

[AJtogo]

Hey there,

This answer is just going to be a variation of the one I just wrote to 30-35 year old guy (perhaps the same one answering you) who is in a sexless marriage.

In your case, you say that you have already talked to him about this and still nothing. I can understand your frustration. So many people think of sex as a hush hush and taboo topic, but it's an important aspect of any relationship. You are obviously sexually incompatible with your husband and it's driving you nuts. Divorce is out and now you're considering killing your drive chemically just so you can live with it.

I'm sure that God did not intend for people to remain sexless. Relationships are a meeting of mutual needs, your needs are not met so you do not have a good relationship. Just because he has had a spiritual awakening doesn't mean that his obligations to you (including the bedroom) have ended. However, it appears that they have. He has already left you and cares for things other than you. His business and his spirituality. You are already divorced. You just haven't done the paperwork.

[Jmart101]

The likelihood that he has porn addiction is high. He's not looking at you which means his vision is distorted... probably because he feels ashamed to perform his fantasies on you... which may be out of respect.

[RebeccaSJ]

Then you initiate it.

[Anonymous]

May I ask if you masturbate have toys vibrater , dildos would you admit
that you have fucked another man

[Anonymous]

l actually feel the same. Except i'm a guy. Its really tearing me apart imagining how i get rejected every time. I'm still 26 and she is too, i'm not fat nor thin ( well i'm very conscious about my figure). oh before i forgot we've been married for 6yrs.

We been like this since before, she never initiate, well i have accepted it that its not her forte, until then 1st year of our maŕriage i notice that she often rejects me and as time goes on it became worst and i can't tolerate it anymore.

It hurts me badly, she often reason her back hurt, she still hasn't wash, she's tired, she had headache and etc.. well i can understand that, im not self centered person, but WTF? she reason it almost in 1 night? even if she do it, i have to wait like 1-3am until she wake up. So i am totally a zombie.

Just thinking asking her especially sex, i think i'll have a phobia or i have already. Scared of being rejected. I'm not ugly, i'm gyming so i have muscles around. Other ladies still finds me adorable and gays, i review myself almost day to day to find the culprit. I'm tòoo damn loyal to my wife To lay fingers on other girls. I love my wife very much i never want anyone but only her.

Now to avoid her excuses and rejections, i just distance myself with her. We argue about this problem already but looks like she pointed its my issue saying " for only sex you'll act like this?" that's totally a torture.

I don't know what to do, i don't know till when i can keep this up. Tired, depress and feeling rejected..

[Anonymous]

1) Are you sure he's not gay? Just because he's had sex with you 1500 times doesn't mean gay isn't the problem (this is just a suggestion and obviously not a definite answer).

2) What does he say would turn him "back on"?

I can tell you that I have had a period when married that I wasn't physically attracted to my wife. Had nothing to do with me being gay. In my mind, it mostly had to do with a combination of her gaining weight plus becoming demanding in all facets of the marriage (rather than attempting compromise on things -- but it was mostly her weight gain. I'm sorry, I'm a guy, and I don't care who you are, if your mate changes for the much worse in physical appearance, it's going to have an affect. That's may sound cold or a cop out, but, really, we're very simple minded that way.)