Boyfriend insulted my sexual performance?

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

So, generally speaking, me and my boyfriend have a good sex life. We have sex almost every day and I know that I really enjoy it.

Tonight, my boyfriend thought itd be fun to watch porn. I‘m always a bit hesitant because it‘s not really what I go to to turn myself on. I agree anyway and we watch it.

Every now and then we talked about the positions the people in the porn were in, what the guy was doing and what the girl was doing. Then I happened to ask ‘what does a girl do to be good in bed?‘ And my boyfriend essentially said what the girl in the porn was doing, i, e., doing the moves herself and not just lying there and letting the guy do everything. Then I stupidly asked if I was good in bed, expecting that he’d say ‘yeah of course’. Instead he said jokingly ‘you just sleep’. And I know he was joking but it really hurt my feelings. I really try to make more moves myself but it mostly happens that he takes control (because I prefer that mostly). Of course it depends what mood I’m in. But I’m not too confident in taking the lead really and I do prefer the guy dominating as opposed to me.

Once he said this, I was completely turned off and irritated with him. It felt like the person I trusted the most was basically laughing at my sexual performance, which for me is quite an intimate, special time in our relationship. I do so much for him and I give my body openly to him. Hell I got a fricken IUD for our sexual relationship (and most women will agree it’s a real b*tch). Anyway, I just felt like he didn’t appreciate or respect my efforts in the sex department. And combined with him wanting to watch porn, it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

Am I right to be upset or overreacting?

[ShortCircuit]

He was incredibly insensitive in his wording, but it sounded to me like a legitimate complaint. It is incredibly disheartening for a man to initiate sex near 100% of the time, and then to be doing all of the physical work throughout once it happens on top of it. Saying "I prefer him to be the dominant one" isn't an excuse to avoid putting in more effort. What if he prefers you to be the dominant one? If that was the case, the compromise wouldn't be 100/0 in your favor. And even if you two were on the same page in that you both want him to be the dominant one 100% of the time--you can initiate sex, be on top, and do most of the moving without adopting a dominant role, attitude, behavior, etc. He can still be the dominant one if you come to him first. He can still be the dominant one if you're in the cowgirl position. You're conflating multiple things.

[Bandita]

You are totally right. He should make things right. Talk it out. Understand that letting a man do everything doesn't mean you are bad in bed. I usually do everything. I enjoy grabbing my girlfriend and just pulling her hard towards me or wathever and she just stays there and lets me do all I want. First, because it turns her on, she likes being treated that way. Second, I like it too.

Sometimes she will feel like being dominant and I like it too, but I've never said anything to her like that. Even when we started and she was unexperienced.

[Asker]

Right! It just felt like he was showing me porn and expecting me to be able to do what the girl in the porn was doing - whether he meant it that way or not! Then him complimenting her and criticising me at the same time really hurt :/

[Bandita]

That's definitely a possibility. Maybe it turns him on. Don't feel like he is more attracted to her, though. Sometimes we (men) are toxic and want to grab your attention by being mean and making you jealous. Is it right? ABSOLUTELY not and you should never take that shit. Tell him how you feel. My best wishes to you, lady. Remember your worth and let your feelings be respected by others.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your opinion!

[Wonderer89]

Ouch, that’s a bit rough 😐 especially if he’s never mentioned wanting to try something different when not watching and complimenting a sex worker.
Good sex takes communication, and sometimes people need a little direction to know what makes you feel good. Nothing at all wrong with that. But giving you a dig while you’re watching porn together and complimenting another woman at the same time? Low blow

[xjtbx]

Sex is fun, but it should be a team effort.
Tell him what feels good for you, and do what feels good for him.
I dont know why people are so shy when it comes to sex

[Dargil]

I consider that a one-strike-and-your-out insult. What comes from the mouth comes from the heart. That is deep disrespect and if he does not have strong redeeming qualities, you should send him packing.

[winterfox10]

You're definitely overreacting. It was an off color joke, but he wouldn't still be sleeping with you if you didn't do a good job.

[Bandita]

Nah, man. I get your point but you NEVER joke about that to a girl. Not her performance, not her weight, not her BJ abilities, not her outfit or her makeup.

[winterfox10]

@Bandita The dude fucked up, to be sure. I'm just saying that it doesn't need to be that big of a deal.

[Asker]

Thanks! I appreciate your point of view also :)

[Bandita]

Sorry, yes. That's true. No need to fight with him about it.

[curiousquandry]

Miss, you are completely appropriate to have a rebuttal and the emotions required for this, and I don't know what small-minded human childish bs that his poor intelligence and even poorer character, allowed him to make the asnine assumption that it was a good idea to be willing to belittle you for anything. he should have been happy to be with a woman who is willing to participate in the activities and for even considering having a sexual relationship with him. please find one that is more deserving of you and your kindness and love. may your life be filled with the positive side of the return of your energies and efforts.
Blessed be and merry meet

[In_Trance]

dump him

[Anonymous]

Tell him how you feel, but also don't take this as an "attack", he's trying indirectly to tell you what he likes sexually. Everyone is different so you guys obviously don't know each other very well sexually. Once you feel better emotionally, have an open and honest talk with him about your sex and what he likes/wants. And like I say, don't take it personally, you just have to get to know him. And vise versa, you share what you like also. There might be things you'd like that he doesn't do also? These are your feelings (understandably), but it wasn't meant as an "attack". His wanting to watch porn might have been his way of trying to tell you (show) what he likes also, without having to directly say it (because it's awkward right?).