I suck at sex and my perfectionism make me hate myself and not want to even bother trying. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Due to me still being fairly inexperienced it's obvious that i am going to suck at sex (No-one is born good at it, unlike most guys i actually realise that i suck at it). However because i am a huge perfectionist this doesn't sit well with me at all, unlike other skills i sucked at initially (guitar and dancing) i can't just drill it over and over till i become decent, for one thing i'm sure no-one outside of porn wants to be fucked every day for the sole intend of practise and skill refinement

I hate the fact that i suck at it, but i don't want to bother to try cos i know i suck at it. It's a catch 22 i suck due to little practise but don't want to practise cos i know i suck. I don't know what to do, i have to be the experienced one in the relationship (my girlfriend is still inexperienced). It's my job to be good and to know how to please a girl and to be a stud. Yes i am aware that i make it sound like i take fun and enjoyment out of it; well that's just how i learn. There is time for fun and enjoyment when i'm good at it, otherwise it's just a distraction

What do i do?

[Barbaric]

Your problem most likely is that because you're so focused on technique and "practice" you're too mechanical. During sex you're probably in your head the whole time thinking about step 1, step 2, step 3 etc. I know that because there have been times where I've been like that.

My advice to you would be to try to focus more on feeling, just enjoying the feeling of it. In fact I'd say focus less on her, and more on yourself. I don't mean be selfish, I mean focus on the pleasure you're feeling, even when you're doing something to her.

As a man, you get more turned on when you can see that she's turned on and is experiencing pleasure right? Whether you're doing something to her or her to you, the more she seems to be enjoying herself the more turned on you get. l

It's the same for her. She'll become more turned on if she notices that you're enjoying her. When you're too mechanical, too "in your own head", not focused on the pleasure and the moment, that's what's missing for her. She wants to see you enjoy her pleasuring you, and enjoy pleasuring her. You want to see her enjoy you pleasuring her, and enjoy pleasuring you.

Think about a blowjob. It's hotter when she seems to be enjoying it vs when she doesn't right? And many women will complain that the guy sits there completely silently showing no sign of pleasure either. If you're going down on her, you'll become more turned on if she's enjoying it vs laying their silently, and she'll become more turned on if you're enjoying pleasuring her vs just flicking your tongue around. During penetrative sex, it's hotter when she's active and vocal vs laying their like a starfish silently while you do your thing.

That's mechanical vs feeling. If you think that the time to enjoy it is when you're "good", you'll most likely never be good because that's the part that seems to be missing.

[Asker]

"just enjoying the feeling of it" I stopped focusing on feelings years ago, causes me nothing but pain and suffering. It's a hindrance and gets you on a express train to being a giant sucker

[Barbaric]

There's a time to focus on feelings and a time to ignore them. During sex you should focus on feeling - this is your biggest problem here. You say it's a hindrance but here that's not working out for you at all is it? The time to ignore them, and this is how you end up not being a sucker and getting played, is when you like a girl but she has strong red flags.

[Asker]

I learnt that to trust in anyone is stupid and a fools errand and will get you hurt; ultimately the only person you can trust is yourself. I've been played for a sucker twice and each time it's because i let my feelings get in the way. So i learnt that for me my emotions and feelings are my 'blind spot' - prevention is better than cure so i prevented it from happening again by not allowing myself to feel emotions anymore If i have to suffer a little bit in order to not be taken for a sucker that's the price i have to pay

[Berethor]

I believe that sex is more similar to violence than to playing a guitar, that's why sex have many negative aspects, and also the real thing have only happen between you and other human, though there are a sex toys for guys, but guys usually don't buy them, it's also less socially acceptable for a guy to own a sex toy than for a girl to own a sex toy, I think that a feeling of perfectionism for sex is quite silly, because sex is not rocket science, and it's like saying that you are totally unable to fight because you don't have a black belt. Yes some people are more skilled in sex than others, but the basics of sex are quite simple, but the P in V basically. Yes if you totally suck at sex it make sense for you to be upset about that, but if you not the best at it don't automatically means that you suck, also who said that you can't find a girl who would practice on her every day? not all girls are frigid, and unless she is a slut, she likely not leave you after one time when you miss misperform, good girls tend to be more patient than that.

[Asker]

The ones that are ok with banging every day are already taken in my expierance Also there aren't many sex toys for men thus why people dont really have em. All there are are ccock rings and fleshlights not exactly a ann summers catalogue

[Berethor]

Make sense for them to be taken, yea cock rings and fleshlights, what more a man needs? :)

[Asker]

Something that is remote controlled maybe or something which simulates a blowjob

[Berethor]

Most men prefer intercourse over blowjobs, and don't even count blowjobs as real sex, but there is sex toys for that, also there is full size sex dolls for men that don't feel like a fleshlight is enough.

[Asker]

I prefer blowjobs over real sex. Real sex does nothing for me

[Berethor]

Okay that sucks, and what you want to improve at in that case? in blowjobs a girl do all the work.

[Asker]

Pleasing the girl. Making the girl have a screaming orgasm

[Berethor]

Well that you can't do with a toy, and you should make sure that you not date an asexual girl. :)

[Asker]

I beg to differ on the toy front

[Tig234]

The first guy I slept with wasn't particularly good at it, neither was I. But it was great because he was sweet and nice and we laughed a lot and didn't take it seriously.
Coming from a girl, the only way you're gonna suck at it is if you approach it how you're currently approaching it, like it's some task to be done. Just let it come naturally with someone you love and trust and it will be fine.

[Asker]

But it is a task to get done. Sex is a skill to be honed, refined and mastered, only then can you let it happen naturally because you've already learnt the foundation and basics, without those you're just failing around hopelessly which is a waste of time and not really efficient

[Tig234]

None of that is true. I mean that's what I thought too before I'd done it, but it's not like that. Honestly if that's how you're thinking of it, I'd wait a bit and give yourself time to mature, it sounds like you're just not ready. If you're thinking like that I can promise you it won't be good for you or your partner

[Asker]

I've always thought like that, ever since i was interested in sex (17, now 27). I'm more ready than most people i know, most people i know just charge in without doing any prior research, i mean how the hell are you supposed to know what to even attempt to do without doing research first, you gonna try and fumble around to try and find the clit for the girl to fake an orgasm say you were amazing. No thanks To me just "hoping it'll click into place" is a waste of time that would have been better used actually doing research about what generally turns a girl on, which erogenous zones to pay attention to, so at least you have a base understanding that if for example the girl does nothing when the inner thigh is massaged then you know that's not one of her more sensitive erogenous zones I just can't comprehend it when people say "It'll happen over time" yes that might be the case by why not actually use your brain and maybe get there a bit sooner

[Tig234]

It probably will be useful to have some insight into it yes. But if you're obsessed with having the perfect sexual experience for you and her from the get go, then you'll probably stress yourself so much that you won't be able to get it up. Look, humans have been at this for years, it does happen naturally, but only if you're not obsessing about it. Just try and relax about it the first time, after that your can work with your partner to perfect it

[Asker]

See that's an alien concept to me. Just letting go isn't something i've ever been able to do (in general) i can't just not do anything and hope or the best, i always need something to try, some goal. Otherwise i'll just end up repeating the same stuff which gets boring as hell Yes humans have been at it for millennia but we have a thing now called the internet, why not use it. Not gonna know what to try unless you actually look into it. It's like trying to learn an instrument without knowing what kind of genre you wanna end up playing This is simple logic to me

[Tig234]

Okay I recognise a pointless debate when I see one. I'm done here. I'll just say, this isn't like anything you've done before. It's one of them only primal things left to us in modern society, why ruin it with analysing? If you actually give a shit about your partner's enjoyment your won't be focusing on working her over like a job that needs doing either, no one enjoys that

[Asker]

Yes i focus on the women what's wrong with that. Making sure she has the best orgasm possible it's the goal of every time one should have sex. Too many guys don't give a shit about the women and just focus on themselves, i'm not that person. I don't care about myself; if i wanna get off porn exists for that Women don't watch porn at the same rate guys do, it's a statistical fact therefore they aren't going to go to porn when they need that release

[PrudentGuy]

Oh you play the guitar and dancing? Well, I played in the band. And I learned that there is no short cut to learning an art, especially when it involves two or more person.

Yes, you may perfect guitar and dancing alone in your own practice place. But if you play a trumpet or clarinet or a tuba, you MUST play with others. And this is not just learning an art, but to "play in concert" with others.

And sex is an art, especially if you want to perfect lovemaking. Sadly, there is no short cut except to do it with another, probably for over 1,000 sessions, at least...

Hence, no, don't compare learning the art of lovemaking with individual guitar and dancing, but guitar and dancing with a group of other players. When you can "play in concert" as a duet, then you'll enjoy sex just like many here do.

[Asker]

Using your analogy doing it with one person is akin to just covering one song over and over. Not really that exciting and can't really learn much from just one song

[PrudentGuy]

Precisely it. You can never be perfect in sex from the beginning. You must spend time and effort with another, keep doing it in order to be a professional.

[Asker]

Unfortunaley thats not something i can do. I dont cheat

[PrudentGuy]

LOL! Many just play the duet with a life partner and are satisfied. And I'm sure if you want, you can too.

[slatyb]

Ridiculous. If you are considerate and attentive you won’t suck.

[Asker]

Of course i'll suck, no guy is ever born great at sex, no guy is born with innate ability to make a girl have a screaming orgasm or squirt of fuck them so well they can't walk afterwards

[slatyb]

The don't want to be unable to walk. I got out of a horrible marriage and started dating. I didn't imagine I was anything special. But women I dated told me I was the best they ever had. Why? Because I paid attention to them. I was amazed. That seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. Apparently it's not. So you don't have to be "great at sex". You only have to be great at sex with one woman at a time. And no one else is the expert on having great sex with her. She is just looking for the guy who wants to learn to be her expert.

[Asker]

Being breat with one person at a time isn't working for me. Cos how do i know that girl isn't lying Or how do i know she actually knows what orgams are supposed to feel like