My boyfriend doesn't want sex, what should I do?

Question

My boyfriend rarely wants sex with me. I never had this problem with any guy before, it's usually the other way around. This really hurts me, and it doesn't help that he gets aggressive about it.
I'm not used to having to try and seduce a guy to get sex, I don't feel comfortable with it and I don't even think it would help if I tried to be more sexy. I wonder if the problem is with him or me.

The first time or two we had sex he had erection problems, but they went away. Our sex is good but very much the same. We have loads to explore. I tried asking him what he likes, but he always says he likes what we're doing. I'm a bit too shy to try new things if I don't feel like he's into it.

I remember him saying at some point that it's not so exciting to have the same partner all the time, another time he said it's hard for him to finish if we have sex too often. But if we don't have sex regularly he doesn't last long enough for me to even get turned on. We don't really have any foreplay either. I try to initiate it, but he either doesn't aknowledge it or pretends he doesn't. Sometimes it's like trying to turn on a rock.

He's living with his twin brother who's also got a girlfriend, and I hear them have sex every night when we go to bed and every morning when we wake up. They've been together for quite some so they're not even new and it makes me feel even more shit.

My boyfriend works a lot, and I think he might feel stressed. His family is very comptetitive and he's a pretty "proud" personality. Even though he might not admit it I feel like he's sensitive and scared to get his ego hurt.

I wish he didn't get so defensive. Sometimes I wonder if he's interested in someone else. We're both under 30.

Men: What would you advise me to do? have you felt attracted to or loved a woman but still not felt that excited about having sex with her? What can a low sex drive come from and what do you need to increase it?
Women: Have you been in my situation? What did you do about it?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

First, I'm going to say you need to get comfortable in the role a seductress, this has little to do with your boyfriend though. You just can't expect sex simply because you're a woman, the exception might be if you're out looking for one night stands and causal hook ups.
A lot of guys love being seduced and having a woman in control, even if it's just briefly depending on how dominant he is sexually. Guys want to feel wanted and that's a pretty damn good way of showing it.
Second, most men are "proud" and don't want their egos bruised and this is a delicate topic for most men. however, at some point you need to stop walking on eggshells for him and tell him what YOU NEED. A relationship is give and take if he's not willing to give then I suggest you find a different person to be in a relationship with.
Third, If he's pretty much skipping foreplay and not even getting you off he's basically using you as a prop/toy for masturbation and that's not right or fair, and if he actually cares about you he wouldn't want that for you.
It sounds like you've kind of talked to him about it but I'm not sure if you have in a way other than "can we have sex now?" Kind of way. I think you need to sit him down and actually have this conversation with him.
At this point he is ignoring your sexual needs and something needs to give because things are not going to end well if he doesn't step up and start handling things better.
It may be that he's stressed at work or he's tired or whatever else. But the problem with that is you don't know because it sounds like you guys aren't communicating, also not awesome for a relationship.

Point is you need to be more seductive FOR YOU, you may not be comfortable with it but in time you will and I promise its a rush and you will love it.
You need to worry about how he feels but you also need to make sure your needs are being met or everyone is just wasting their time.
You need to get him more willing to open up and talk to you about what's going on. That's part of what being in a relationship is.

As for me personally, I have a ridiculous sex drive and I've been with guys that couldn't keep up with me but Id ask straight up what the issue was.
The point here is, I don't enjoy playing guessing games so conversations were had. There were compromises and things worked out from there.
You've gotta talk or you might as well leave, cheat or start to hate him now because sadly that's where you're headed if you don't change things.

x_Pretty_x · Accepted Answer

I've been in this exact situation, although my partner didn't tell me that sex with the same person is boring. My man is a lot older then me so that's a lot of our issue. I ended up getting really upset about it and we almost broke up over it. To me, sex means a lot in a relationship. It's not just the pleasure part, as much as it is to be 100% connected and paying 100% attention to each other during that time. That's the closest you will ever be to each other. If he doesn't straighten up, this could become a huge problem. It concerns me that he mentioned sex with the same person is boring. I meen, sure it can get to be routine, but it sounds like he would like to be with you and others aswell. I get the feeling this is something that is gonna hurt you really bad later down the road. My advice would be for you to break away from this guy to save yourself. Unfortunately it's just not that easy if your too involved. The best thing you could do is try and talk to him about it and tell him it really hurts you. You could possibly give him and ultimatum. Sometimes if a guy thinks they will lose you, they will try harder. If this man doesn't fight for you, then he needs to go hun. Your much better off. You seem like a really nice person who deserves a good man who is happy with you 100%. If you need to talk I am open to private conversations. ♡

bittersweet_ghost · Accepted Answer

I had some sexual problems with different guys because our preferences, stamina, etc are different. I know I'm vanilla but most guys I dated want a bit kinky so depending on what it is. If I have a problem, I speak up about it. If they offend me repeatedly or not listening to me or we keep fighting about it, I get turned off and break it off if we are going nowhere. In my opinion, if I were you, I would dump him because he rarely wants sex, doesn't initiate it and I don't have the understanding nor the patience to his ego if he can't admit it lol but that's me because I like sex, I like both of us to initiate it and I can't deal with a guy who is too proud to admit if stress really the cause to his sex problem, that's a sign he can't communicate so I'm done. I want a guy we both can compromise without fighting same stuff and communicating if there's a problem. You can't compare him to his twin lol that's unfair. Up to you to decide if you can stay with him in the long run or not since you'll be dealing with it. It does sound you're unhappy since your sexual needs aren't met and you get hurt and insecure

taleswapper · Accepted Answer

All those reasons you gave for not taking the initiative? Apply to him, too.
"I'm not used to having to try and seduce a guy to get sex, I don't feel comfortable with it and I don't even think it would help if I tried to be more sexy." He also apparently doesn't feel comfortable initiating sex. And when you do, it may be that he feels like a failure, which only exacerbates it.
"I tried asking him what he likes, but he always says he likes what we're doing. I'm a bit too shy to try new things if I don't feel like he's into it." Again, the reverse can be true. In his past relationships, every time he's suggested trying something new, he got shut down.. So now, he's afraid to try and suggest anything other than what has worked in the past. He doesn't want to upset the applecart.

"I remember him saying at some point that it's not so exciting to have the same partner all the time, another time he said it's hard for him to finish if we have sex too often. But if we don't have sex regularly he doesn't last long enough for me to even get turned on. We don't really have any foreplay either. I try to initiate it, but he either doesn't acknowledge it or pretends he doesn't. Sometimes it's like trying to turn on a rock." And what signals is HE giving that YOU are not catching? how often have you shut him down in the past? Remember, you said earlier you were more used to rebuffing guys. Could you still be doing it, and not noticing? Have you TOLD him, explicitly, that you're looking for sex? Or just tried to be a bit more affectionate, and hoped he'd take the lead?
I could go on, but I hope you get the picture. You have a failure to communicate. BOTH of you are dancing around the issue. Sit down, and have a heart to heart. Use a lot of "I" statements. Make this about you, not him. No casting of blame, or aspersions.

One thing that has worked in the past is to pledge to each other to have sex at specified times. Some do it every single day. Some only once a week. You might agree that if, say, you haven't had sex by Friday, you WILL that evening. He expressed an interest in other partners, for variety; offer to roleplay being someone else. But be explicit. And tell him that nothing is off the table for discussion.

jamesmr · Accepted Answer

Sounds like you both think too much during sex. He probably does have some sort of errection problem or no one is taking leadership in the bed. Maybe he wants you to tell him what to do.. make him go down on you see if that helps. He could be embarrassed you are making to much noise or not enough. Maybe watch porn together see what type of porn you both like. Maybe he's into feet or being dominated but too embarrassed to talk to you about it. You need to communicate between each other don't let it die if you can help it. The relationship will suffer because of it. Some dudes are happy with or without sex they just try to please the lady with out talking about it. Sounds like you need foreplay mostly though.

bobair · Answer

We teach our partners how to treat us. If you've allowed the bedroom time to be be shitty, that's you teaching him that you're okay with it.

It's YOUR job to take care of YOU. This means that you don't invest your time in stuff that's not going to meet your long term needs... like a job that doesn't pay and has no future, or even a partner who doesn't meet your sexual needs.

If you've already voiced your concern with him and he's doesn't care, then the real issue here is you.

Why would you stay in a relationship that will only get worse with time?

And saying "but I love him" is the worst type of answer. Being neglected is a type of abuse in my books, even if it's overt and maybe unintended.

Love yourself. Love yourself enough to demand the MOST from the person you give the most. Otherwise it's a horrible investment of energy and time.

Imagine yourself 10 years down the road, putting up with a sad depressing sex life only to find out he's been cheating or he dumps you. And you're going to look back angry with yourself for accepting a bad relationship.

Love isn't enough.

I LOVE candy and pizza, but because it's harmful to me I purposely choose to avoid it. I love myself enough to know that my love of candy doesn't mean I have to also eat it.

Also... we can't change people. If you've sat him down and really talked this through as honestly as possible, then what more is there to do except to let him go.

This is something that really needs to be discovered early into a relationship from my experience, so as to save time. :P

But that's just my opinion. I wish you luck!

~ Robby

Smiley0730 · Answer

Well I've been in his shoes. And for me it's like my husband is constantly begging for sex and keeping count of how often we do it. It's a turn off. How often do you have sex? Everyone has a different definition of the right amount of sex so it's hard to say much without a number. If we don't have sex at least every other night my husband starts harassing me. So we have sex 3-4 nights a week. Except recently because I'm pregnant and he can get over it lol. He still gets it at least 2-3 nights a week even now.

somecanadianguy · Answer

Could be a number of things when are you trying to get intimate with him? I know personally I don't even want to be touched if its extremely hot (temperature wise) or if im extremely tired from working a lot of long hours. Not much you can do there other then wait for a better time. Unless he's giving clear hints I wouldn't bring it up at those times.

At the same time be spontaneous don't feel afraid to try new things, I had some of my best sexual experiences with girls willing to experiment or just straight up saying they wanted to try something new in the middle of it. And again enviroment guys like to be comfortable during sex too. Most of us, i know for sure myself, are willing to try and put up with all kinds of crazy position. But the second it is extremely hot temperature wise it kills any thoughts of sex starting up for me.

I would try asking him about anything stressing him out and your concerns about your sex life, asking if he is still happy with you don't be accusing though. Try to come across a heartful concern for your relationship.

Second don't compare your sex life to his brothers or anyone elses for that matter everyone has their own paces and rythms when it comes down to the nasty. There are days when exs have had to stop because they couldnt handle the intensiveness of it all, days I could only do a few positions before calling it quits, and days were we would go for hours with little more then 5 minute breaks in between if that.

hulkster · Answer

I would sit down and have a serious chat with him. 2 things that make me think why he doesn't want sex that much which you stated, he has erection problems, that's embarrassing for a man, and the other he is working a lot, and that can cause fatgue.. Those things combined will definitely put a man off sex.
If he does have erection problems, maybe he should go and see the doctor and get some viagra.

If he's not willing to work things out with you, and understand your needs, maybe you have consider moving on, cause all your doing is puttinng your life hold.

tinyclit · Answer

In my opinion a boyfriend who does not want sex is not a boyfriend. He's just some guy you know.

Rox95 · Answer

Yes !! I've been in your situation for about half a year, maybe more. I just ended things this last Sunday and I feel so free!!

I know the feels, girl! Having to beg and plead for sex is horrible and to be turned down so often really takes a knock to your confidence! It makes you feel like you're doing something so super wrong.

If he gets aggressive about it, I would suggest writing him a hand written letter or sending an email saying what you need and suggest some stuff you'd like to do and give some ideas on how you feel you can make things work. Once he's read your message, set a date and if by that date you're still not happy and don't see any changes get, reevaluate your relationship.

He might just be going though something so don't jump into getting outta there too quickly but you need to open up a communication line so he knows how you feel and you know why he's acting like that.

jerico1 · Answer

I'd hope he had a really good reason for that, have you asked him why he rarely wants to have sex with you? Not his bullshit reasons but the one main reason. If his sex drive is low I still don't get a guy turning down sex, that's almost unheard of , a priest I get but a regular dude I'll never get. How the hell can he resist if you started rubbing his upper leg then his crotch, Christ that would get any guy hard unless he swings the other way. Did you guys ever have a good sex life or was it always just enough to get by?

Paris13 · Answer

The Stress which is Never the Best, is Probably the Problem Here, dear. And other Physical things, such as maybe his Testosterone.
See a Doctor with your Honey, this is Not... Funny. Could be there is More in Store because he can't Share, than "He doesn't Care."
Good luck. xx

ACruelAngelsThesis · Answer

It doesn't sound like he is listening to your needs and that is unfortunate. I am sorry to hear that! If he is ignoring foreplay then I don't know I would say it sounds now just from the sounds of it that he doesn't really care about you getting off which I can say I hate those guys. Maybe he just has a low sex drive is he in shape? That can make a world of difference! Self esteem could be a factor too. But him not wanting to try new things thats never a great sign. I don't think that it is you though. I very much hope that this improves for you have you tried talking with him about it? But I can say from what I heard from your post it sounds like you could do better.

nitsuj86 · Answer

Could be a lot of things.

1. You never try. A lot of women have a list of things men are supposed to do, and we get very little in return. It can wear on you. Men want to feel wanted as well. We also don't want to feel "responsible for sex". It's something we both want, you put in some effort too.

2. Have you let yourself go? Maybe you aren't his exact type but he still loves you. If you have gained some weight, try and lose it. And really try, don't just make excuses, because men don't listen to them. We need to see results.

3. Do you argue a lot? Do you make a lot of comments about how he should be living his life? Or what he should be doing? It gets annoying, and a nagging wife is not sexy. Especially if you aren't having sex. You get mad at him because you aren't having sex, yet you aren't initiating sex with him yourself, and that is ok for you, but not for him. Because you are the woman in your mind. Well, shit gets old.

4. You wear the same shit all the time. A lot of time when I'm seriously dating a woman, she ceases to put in effort to her appearance around me. Especially when living together. You see her in sweat pants, and baggy shirt all day every day, nothing sexy, not extra effort with a bit of lipstick. Men are visual. Make an effort.

5. Could be watching a lot of porn, feels more comfortable to him. That sounds like some therapy shit though.

I'd say you are either ungrateful, annoying, or need to work out more / dress up here and there for him. You could ask him, but you can't get mad if he tells you one of the above things, and I would try and do whatever he says. Because if it comes out, now you know, and you still do nothing, well breakup is not far behind.

Anywayysss · Answer

I'm taking a medication right now and one of the side effects is lowered libido. It's taking a toll on my girlfriend right now because she thinks I'm not interested, which isn't the case. He might not be taking any medications like I am, but it could be that he's frustrated about it like I am. It could be possible that it is something with him. I doubt you are the issue.

Towelette · Answer

I have had this issue with a previous workaholic boyfriend. We talked about it, nothing changed. I tried to get us therapy. He wanted to work it out without therapy. Still, nothing changed.

You'll most likely leave him. Do not feel bad about it either.

LLils · Answer

I've recently experienced some similar with a friends with benefits and I'm just not keen. We all have necessities at the end of the day and if one is not interested to make an effort then there's no point. Life it's too short to waste it away when people don't give us the value we deserve.

EmilyRubio · Answer

Stop trying to coerce him. Ask him if he's okay. He might be depressed, have low testosterone, body image problems, anything

layla1234 · Answer

He's gay

SolomonEI · Answer

It would say that you need to talk with him about it. Tell him exactly what's wrong. Tell him that he isn't pleasing you sexually. Tell him that you want to have more sex and try new things. Don't be too aggressive aggressive about it, but also be firm with him. Let him know that he either needs to step up or the relationship is in danger.

wingattebaby16 · Answer

well... since he has a twin brother, you should seduce the brother to see if he is better in bed than his weak twin.

I bet his girlfriend wouldn't mind and you could always "pretend" you thought he was your boyfriend.

Otherwise, i agree either he watches too much porn is weak from jacking off, maybe he is tired of you and there is some other girl on the side he wants, or maybe he has gay tendencies... a way to find out is get him to have anal sex with you. If he goes all gang busters over it, then he might be gay.

The only other thing to do is move on to a guy that appreciates and WANTS you!

Just my 2 cents worth.

JesseEllyson · Answer

We guys have a reputation for being horny pretty much all the time. What kind of guy doesn't like sex? That's the question, right? Well, the truth is, a lot of guys just don't get all that excited about it. It's a messy affair, after all. There's all the bodily fluids, the grunting and groaning, it all sounds like a bad day at the barnyard to some guys. No, I'm not saying that a majority of guys feel this way. Of course not. I'm just saying that it's not such an uncommon thing. Your guy may just not like sex. It's not you, it's not any other woman he has ever been with. It's just how he's put together. He doesn't like it. He thinks it's over-rated and he wonders what everyone else is so damned excited about.

Or... It may be that he's attracted to something else entirely. Perhaps there's something that he hasn't dealt with yet, perhaps doesn't even know about yet. He may be gay. He may never have acted on his proclivities or even recognize that they are there. He doesn't go on-line and look at gay porn. But it's in there and he'll be a lot happier if he ever comes to terms with it.

Personally, I think it's likely the first option. He's just not a very sexual person. But the second option is possible.

RuthAnn1781 · Answer

I've never had that problem. Maybe you should try talking to him. I have a feeling that it might have something to do with him being embarrassed about having a problem with his erection the first time and hearing his brother having sex might make him more insecure. Try asking him about that stuff maybe

Lovelyone007 · Answer

If he isn't used to having one partner then that says a lot and that should answer your question. He is used to having a variety of sexual partners and I would say the one thing you can do is try to be that variety. What I am saying is role play. Be someone different each time in bed and make it exciting for him. He may not express thats what he wants in fear he may hurt you and have you thinking you aren't good enough.

My boyfriend doesn't want sex, what should I do?

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