Should I end things with him for paying for my friends porn?

[Chowderravioli]

My boyfriend (23) and I (20f) have been together for over a year. I’ve never had a problem with him watching porn, but draw the line at him viewing lewd content of people we know. We have a pretty sex positive relationship. I’ve entertained his desires and we’ve discussed open relationships and threesomes. All which I’ve been open to because of open and honest communication. I recently discovered on his laptop that he’s subscribed to a girl we both know. She’s even tried to go on double dates with us. He’s spent 470 dollars on her alone. He was even her top 5% fan in the month of October, which is my birthday. That month he couldn’t afford to get me a nice gift or take me out to dinner because he was struggling with money. I was fine with that because I love him and just his time alone is a gift to me but now finding out he instead paid money to look at this girls content I feel really betrayed. He’s even talked about how he doesn’t like her too much and how she’s too skinny for him. Now I know he was probably just over compensating for his guilt. I feel beyond hurt. I want to end things with him but I feel like he’s going to say that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s done. I don’t even know how to approach him. Just the thought of him pleasuring himself to 15 sec videos of a girl we know makes me repulsed by him and I don’t think I could ever look at him the same. And this girl thinks they’re genuinely friends as far as I know so I feel bad for her as well. Can you guys give me advice on how to approach this when he gets home?

[Growleee]

Yep. See vv

Yes, you do have the right to be uncomfortable.
I don't know if it's what you *want* to hear right now but you've just about answered your own question;
"Just the thought of him pleasuring himself to 15 sec videos of a girl we know makes me repulsed by him and I don’t think I could ever look at him the same."
The fact that it's pushed you this far - shows entirely that the trust & respect you had for him was shattered. Rightfully so, with him having hid something like this from you..
The wife & I are poly/swingers - and we've also set the same ground rules of keeping that respect for each other & running things by each other. I've never turned her down, and she's only turned me down from 1 woman that she felt she had some competition with, and that woman was a pretty close friend of mine that we'd previously played with. The wife didn't feel comfortable with the way our friend was handling herself & how she fell asleep on me.. So, we completely cut that friend out of the bedroom - we're still friends but I don't visit, hangout with, or talk to her without the wife alongside me. It's not that she doesn't trust *me*, it's that she doesn't trust *her*. I hold enough respect for my wife that I see it as a reasonable reaction. I wouldn't want to feel that way, so I can't subject her to it..
Now, imagine the reaction if he'd found out that you'd spent all your money the month of *his* birthday on what is effectively a stranger (because it was all kept secret) & couldn't then get him anything nice for his.. Do you think his reaction would be similar to yours? Because I'm willing to bet it'd be an instantaneous fight with some pretty nasty words being slung around..
I'm sure you've still got very deep feelings for him but at this point it seems like it's just going to be more painful to drag this thing out & just wind up hurting more in the end.
I'm usually all for salvaging relationships but this isn't just "subbing to her onlyfans", this is cheating.
This is deliberate and intentionally misleading you, saying he doesn't like her that much, that "she's too skinny!" and then backswinging and spending more on her.. for nothing.. Rather than showing you he cares for you on your *birthday*.
Please don't try to rationalize this as "Well, we *were* in an open relationship...", either.
The boundaries for "Cheating" are different for every relationship - and you had already defined those boundaries.. I'd let my wife get trained by 18 guys if she asked, but if she hid ONE hookup from me, that tells me that there's something much deeper than just sex with that one hookup. That's a betrayal not of lust & flesh, but a betrayal of my trust. If they're willing to do that once, they're going to be willing to do it again.. They'll just be more careful to not get caught next time.

[Growleee]

And even if that's not the case, you're just going to be thinking about "What if he's doing it again, right now?", the entire time you're trying to maintain this relationship. It's going to be a constant nag in the back of your head weather or not he truly lived up to his word that he'd stop... When your next birthday, or Valentines (what have you) rolls around, and he skimps out on a gift, you're gonna flash right back to this.. "Well, where'd his money go? Did he spend it on her, or somebody else we know & just didn't tell me again?". Sounds like a hassle, more than it does a fair & loving relationship, to me. ^^

[Talon364]

That's tough. All guys look at porn. Men are stimulated visually. I want to say that knowing her is less of a big deal to him because men separate fantasy world (porn) with real life usually. But the fact that he has spent so much money is a red flag.
Before you dump him try this.
Go to him. Be totally direct and brief. Drink a shot first. And say flat out--- I want you to cancel that account and to break contact with her immediately. I consider that cheating on me. I need you to do this if you want to continue to have a relationship with me.--- It is possible, unlikely, but possible that he's so caught up in online chatting, not just her, that he doesn't realize he is hurting you. We can be pretty stupid about things like this.
But just take control of the situation, and tell him that he has one chance to make this right, or you walk. If you don't get a hurricane of "sorry's, I love Yous', I didn't realize what I was doing, I'll make up to you," and a shitload of flowers. Walk away. That means he's just an asshole. You sound very cool. And you have many years, men, and relationships ahead of you. You will be ok and happy after a brief period of crying and eating ice cream out of the carton with a ladle.
But remember, it's temporary. You will be even better than you were before.

[Chowderravioli]

Apparently he has deleted it but resubbed just before I caught him because he couldn’t help himself and needed to see if our friend posted something new. He calls it a habit. I call it an addiction. He thinks the only thing wrong here is him wasting his money. At first he was apologetic but the more I kept telling him I need space the more he tried to turn the argument onto me and we broke up

[Talon364]

I've been on that kind of chat. It totally one on one. I think he's just into her. Could be just a matter of time until he hooks that up. If he can't do this one simple thing, and isn't devistated that he is continuously hurting you, then fuck him. Thats not only showing no value for you're relationship, that's not even showing resemblance of common decency. Maybe he's trying to hurt you so you will have to dump him. Instead of him breaking up with you. Terrible, but I have done that myself. I'm so sorry. You absolutely do not deserve this. And he does not deserve you. I know it sucks, but you should get away from him. That sneaky underhanded shit is poison and you don't want people like that ruining your happiness. That's your goal. Right? Happiness. You will have lots more. Its just going to feel shitty for a while Just stand strong. Don't back down. Don't give into him. You control your life he doesn't. Basically you said that you will not be with him if he wants to carry on relationships with other women. Pretty common request I would think. And he couldn't do that for you. Fuck that guy.

[Chowderravioli]

The next day he called me and then also showed up to my apartment and apologized. Unsubscribed from all the content and unadded the friend on socials but I don’t think I can get over the way he reacted.

[Aurora1010]

You're right what he did was bad, don't let him tell you it's not. If I was you I would probably end it.

[OlderAndWiser]

If you want to know how a guy feels about you, don't listen to his words, but pay great attention to the way he treats you.

[drowsydaffodil]

end it, he didn’t respect you at all

[Wester1967]

Yes mam

[Jamie05rhs]

That's seriously fucked up. You gotta bring the hammer down on his ass.

I hope he apologizes. And I hope he means it.

You may need to take his computer away for a while.

[Wise4myage]

I sure as hell don't trust them or that clown Dr. Facui.

[noohair]

There is a lot wrong with what he is doing and you should be upset. Without professional intervention, he is not changing, if at all.

[LegendaryIcon]

why you're dating a guy 21 and over, i dk

[PeterSmith1983]

Don't feel bad for her she earns a lot of money. Seems like he is pretty addicted and spends wayyy to much on porn. Even you are open and willing when it comes to sex. Dump him and find a better guy to fuck hard without porn addiction

[Chowderravioli]

I feel bad because ik she would find it weird that he’s gone the lengths he has to see her naked. Jerking off to your friend crosses some boundaries in my and her opinion

[PeterSmith1983]

She knows that happens qnd she earns good money with it! Don't thinks she minds...

[888theGreat]

chocolate exlax brownies , then while he is on the toilet and can't go anywhere , break up giving him the reasons.

[2021biguy]

That sucks but you should tell him how you feel before you end it.

[Chowderravioli]

I’ve told him before that I wasn’t comfortable with him doing this. I feel like he just ignores the boundaries I set and when I forgive him and continue the relationship he thinks there’s no real consequences and disrespects me again.

[2021biguy]

Well, then it's time to end it because that rotten he didn't get you a birthday gift and spent it on another girl and doesn't respect you.

[gangs_and_guns]

Do u keep going to open relationship?

[Chowderravioli]

What do u mean?

[gangs_and_guns]

I mean u have open relationship still?

[Chowderravioli]

Neither of us have seen anyone in a while. But yes. We’re supposed to run all decisions by each other at every step tho and I’ve made it clear that people we have personal relationships are off limits

[gangs_and_guns]

He should know u dont feel comfortable when he watches porn or fuck any girl u know

[Magikrob]

He should've talked about it with you and it would've been a whole different situation, open honest communication is key to a healthy relationship. The way he did it is sketchy and diseetful so yes you should end it. But I wanted to just say I have friends ik that do porn that I would never really sleep with or cheat with but the idea that I know them from everyday life and that I can see them naked is a massive turn on, its not like I want to fuck them I just want to watch and get off on he fact that I know them in real life.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad for her, it's only money to her lol. This is very unique in that you both know her, and know her pretty well. At first, I thought maybe he was just supporting her and her website (more as a friend because he knows her), but that's a lot of money so yeah he probably is pretty attracted to her. On the flip side, I can also see how he might not see this as a problem because of how open your sexual relationship is. I think I would just sit him down and CALMLY talk about it with him (if you're too upset or emotional, wait until you aren't). Let him know what you've found and how it MAKES you feel. But also don't take this so personally meaning I know that's how it feels to you, very personal, but it won't be that way for him or INTENTIONAL. So if you can take the personal part out of it a little (might help calm you down also), then talk to him. Guys and girls look at porn very differently. Women think there's a personal side to it, but there often isn't for us. It's visual entertainment most of the time. Now granted, he knows her, so that does make it more personal, but I'd try to calmly talk about it with him. Get his side of it. If your relationship has and is good other than this, don't through it all away over this. It's possible that it's an over reaction (and again, not trying to minimize your feelings, you have a right to them, but just saying he most likely sees this very differently and for him it's not as personal as it is to you).

[Opinion Owner]

I just read your comment to @talon364 and it kind of changes my opinion now

[Chowderravioli]

How does it change your opinion?

[Chowderravioli]

And I actually have made it very clear prior that I’m iffy about paying for porn but also explicitly told him he can not sub to her onlyfans when he “joked” about it. When we argued about this he brought up my boundaries being looser in other scenarios. He kept falling back on that but I have been very explicit about this boundary and all my boundaries when it comes to our sex life so in my head I can’t excuse him just because he thought I wouldn’t care.

[Anonymous]

Yes, if he spent $470 on her porn and was struggling financially because of it. That is a huge red flag. You are better off without him.

[Anonymous]

I assume he was the one who hit on you