Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health Why can't he get over my past?
Anonymous
My boyfriend is extremely hung up on my past. I guess I lied by omission in the beginning of the relationship. Then one day he asked. Turns out he knew some of the guys. Since then, he gets mad at me sometimes if something reminds him of what I did. I've had to answer every question he has because otherwise he thinks I'm sneaking around now. I never had sex prior to being with him. I gave oral sex to one guy, who was a very close friend of mine at the time, like 2 years before I even knew my boyfriend existed. I love this man because he's everything I ever dreamed of, if only he'd get over my past he'd be perfect. He, however, sometimes gets mad and says it hurts him, and complains a lot. But what can I do? I can't turn back time! I tell him I realize a lot of what I did (like hooking up with strangers - no sex, just kissing) was wrong. But he tells me "Oh, NOW it's wrong, but when you did it, several times (like 4 times), you didn't think it was very wrong, or did you?"... what can I answer to that?!? He's usually very loving towards me, and this happens every once in a while. But lately it's been hurtful, because well, I don't really like the idea of him watching porn, so I mentioned it (the porn thing) and he turned it around and made it my issue, and started using my past against me. He says I don't have any moral ground to complain about porn, since I did ver inmoral and according to him worse things in my past. He says my past is a much worse issue than the porn. I asked if I had never done anything in the past, would he understand the porn thing better and he said that yes, if I'd done nothing in the past then he would think I have a right to be upset about porn, but not now because I was easy before. WHAT? Porn and my past have NOTHING to do! He says what I did is worse, but how can it be worse if I did it when I was *single* so I didn't do it to him! I didn't even know him! I stopped doing it, I'm faithful, I don't flirt, I don't dress provocatively. He keeps doing porn and while it shouldn't make me upset (or so I'm told) it still affects a tiny bit of my confidence (come on, I don't really like the idea of him getting turned on by perfect babes, not a lot of women do!). How can I get him to stop complaining about my past? Especially since I'm told that my past was very tame. I hooked up with two strangers in two different occasions. One guy forced a kiss on me and I didn't hit him. I had a friend with benefits. There, that's my past, no sex, except for the oral sex thing that happened ONCE. I don't want to break up with him though. Sigh.
Updates:
+1 y
(Oh sorry by "he keeps doing porn" I mean he watches it, not that he's a porn actor, sorry for the confusion)
1 0
What Girls & Guys Said
16 22texplayboy
read what he said...read it again...hmmm...one more time
got it yet ? RUN
Sounds like he has a little growing up to do. We ALL have a past, be it sexual or not. We all have things in our past and they are in the past for a reason.
First off, sex is sex...even if it's oral.
Although I see a lot of negative replies, I think you should give him some time. Spend some time with him and try not to smile at other guys when you're out together. Like, even if you're being polite. It'll show him that you're serious about him and that he is the one you want. Things like that.
The relationships that last are the ones that triumphs through struggles, not shy away from them.
[I don't really like the idea of him watching porn, so I mentioned it (the porn thing)]
He likes to look at pron (many boys do), you don't like it=> a row=> he's stubborn, convinced it's his good right and not wrong or simply judges your interdiction exaggerated and uses THE argument he knows that might touch you: your "past"*:
[How can I get him to stop complaining about my past? ]
-Don't care when he says something about it, you're not guilty (repeat NOT)*
-Stop WORRYING and complaining about his pron...or wait till it bores him.
For a guy, looking pron isn't like trying to date those models, it's just looking, dreaming or masturbating maybe.
If he uses a windows pc does he change when he looks at an Apple catalog?
If he drives a Blazer, will looking at a Porsche catalog make him sell the Blazer, not wanting it any longer?**
Pron is just that: a bunch of catalogs, a kind of encyclopaedia, to discover and get the imaginatory knowing what a redhead or a blonde or a Chinese or a slim one or a D-cupped one looks like in the raw. An amusing encyclopedia or catalog. Porsche or Wiki will not be as much fun for a young man who hasn't seen it all.
* BTW, your past ressembles my wifes' "past" : not much to yell about and I'm at ease with it.
I have looked at pron and when I see it I don't make a fuss over it: it's not worth it. I know how imaginary and fake it is. My wife too knows it.
** I'd like a 356 or a 911Targa
i know you and I know him. and one thing he can never say you did. just ask him about "where he left the black kid and why the roses grow so long". he'll never watch porn again. I swear.
ok if he wants to watch porn instead of being with you then dump him I have a past to and what I say is the past is writin in stone the future is a mistery but now is a gift that is y it is called the present. and you can't chang the past he needs to git over it or just stop being a little bitch
He is playing head games and twisting issues.
Next time... don't tell him anything. Your life and what you do is Your personal experiences. Some guys are aggressive and he seems like that type. He won't let it go unless you beg, cry and tell it to him straight that if he keeps dwelling on Your past then you will leave him. How are you suppose to continue on a good relationship if he keeps reminding you of things that don't matter anymore, because it was in the past. You have a right to live Your life.
Okay, first off if you want the relationship to work, you need to be open to telling your man everything. Be totally open about prior relationships. Tell him every little detail. Especially tell him how they made you feel and how he is different, how he makes you feel. Why you are with him now and not with them.
Second you need to tell him that you are ready to grow up, and ask him if he is willing to grow up. Part of growing up is moving past prior relationships. You are with him now, not these other guys.
Third, Your man sounds like he has some inferiority complex or something. He is jealous and uses your past acts against you.
Fourth, All guys look at porn...All guys. We are looking at parts, not at a relationship. If your man is fanticizing about being with these women, there is a problem, but if he is just looking to get off, well that is pretty normal. If you ask him to stop and he refuses, then that is an issue, but you need to be clear with him as to why he should stop. What is it to you.
Lastly, you need to talk to eachother. He is hurt...He doesn't trust you. And you are hurt by the way that he has expressed his hurt towards you so far. You need to talk to him and ask him if he is willing to move forward and to stop bringing up the past. If he isn't willing to work on the relationship, you need to move on.
PS: omitting the truth is lying. Omitting your feelings is lying to yourself.
He's selfish and want things to go his way. He try to find mistakes and trying to make you feel guilty so that he can get his way. What more can you hope from this guy?
you've done nothing wrong in your behavior, HOWEVER... I would like to point out that trust is hard to build, and if you start out with dishonesty you are starting on the wrong foot. And the truth of the matter is that it starts a sequence and pattern of behavior and interaction that is very difficult to contain.
I don't know how long you two have been together. BUT I think that you might want to take a break from this and give yourselves a chance to figure out whether the juice is worth the squeeze for both of you.
I had a boyfirend like that, he would bring up my past and just use it against me also, he would be loving at one point and just a jerk the next. I would say leave him, that's the best thing you can do. Now one thing that's clear is that everyone has a past and no one should use it against anyone that's just wrong and hurtfull. Things are called the past for a reason (their behind you, and doesn't mean that's the person you are today). From my experience he's just using your past as a way to "turn the table" on to you which is so obvous at this point, and when a guy is like that there's no way of changing him, he just get worst as time goes by. Your boyfriend is a jerk and you shouldn't be going out with a jerk there are better guys out there that don't care about a girls past because they love or like her no matter what. He doesn't love you because if he did he wouldn't be making a big deal about your past. You don't want to break up with him and that's not good your not in a healthy relationship and that's just going to cause you problems in the future for example: self-esteem issues. You should consider thinking about leaving him and finding the RIGHT guy for you. Ask yourself one question though: Would you rather be with a guy who would rather make you feel guilty about your past than make you feel loved, and happy, and just special? Would you rather be with a guy who turns things on you than with a person who would find a solution? Would you rather feel hurt other than love?
By the way the porn thing: He should be watching you other than the porn.
You can't change a guy but you can GET a new guy!
He shouldn't be so worried about things you did before you met him...it would be a different story if you hooked up with someone while you were with him, but that wasn't the case. He has no reason to be mad at you for things you did before you met. Sometimes the thought of your girlfriend with another guy can really bother you, but a mature person can see that he can't control the past and neither can you and will move on from it and just work on the relationship. I'm sure he's made out with girls before you...so I don't really see what his problem is, you did nothing wrong.