Long term boyfriend is sexually frustrated? Which is making me frustrated too, what can I do?

helloam Xper 5

So we are both 28 and we've been together for 3 years now. I know he isn't cheating, neither am I, there are no worries whatsoever there. In the beginning of our relationship he was terrible in bed. Egocentric & quite lazy though he's fit and full of energy on his daily life. So..he's far from being the 'lazy' guy but in bed he sure was. His idea of fun would be lay there and expect me to do everything. I was madly in love so even though I wasn't happy with this trait, I overlooked it because I was with him and him with me and we were in love. I am still in love - just to clear that part up. No questions there. But I'm not so sure if he desires me sexually now though. After 6 months into the relationship I started to make him a bit more 'engaged' into the process, and after a year he changed, but the problem is... I think he is actually forcing it. Hence I think he is sexually frustrated. These were the main changes: - He always loved morning sex, but would equally enjoy it later in the afternoon boyfriend dinner or boyfriend we both went to sleep. Now it's JUST morning sex. He wakes up aroused (morning glory) and does nothing to 'wake me up' or tease me. He expects me to be as exited as he is and just basically ready for exercise even if one minute before I was sleeping. If I start something later in the day/night, he won't get aroused enough and things can get so bad I feel unwanted and horrible. And most of the times I finish him and it's like I get the ultimate proof the problem is ME. - If in the begriming he would love me on top - always, as he wouldn't want to make other efforts - now he will NEVER get aroused with me on top. It doesn't arouse him NEVER and 30 seconds are enough for him to loose 'it' completely. It went from his top fav position to the "no way" position for him. - Speaking of positions, the only ones that work for him now are the ones were he is the one working and without making any other contact with the rest of my body at all. Instead of his hand, he has a vg. That's what I feel. Like I'm a substitute for masturbation. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING else going on. No hands, no tease, nothing. He won't be aroused by anything else, AND even like this he's not being able to finish with me every time. Actually I'd say there's a 50-50 chance he gets tired after a good while, doesn't come, and then I know I have to finish him. The thing is, he doesn't make ANY efforts - no foreplay AT ALL, never ever, no grabbing or kissing or whatever during the act and then he somehow makes me feel like I'm the one who's failing. I already told him I'd love to make love in the evenings, or later after work. But he won't get aroused. I'm writing more under Details...sorry this is too long.

Updates:

+1 y

I already told him I'd love to make love in the evenings, or later after work. He didn't make the effort, he won't get aroused. I bought a SUPER EXPENSIVE & BEAUTIFUUUUL lingerie before this Christmas and *blushing* I was more than OK in it ! (I have to be honest here,don't take me wrong) We went out for dinner and I was wearing it, when he saw me with it said I was extremely hot etc. What happened after dinner? We went for a drink. He didn't build up the mood.

+1 y

He talked ab all sorts of stuff and then he suggested we go home and watch movies by the fireplace. And that's all he did all night. Not even a move. It was like he didn't even remember what I was wearing or if he did, he was avoiding having sex with me. By 2am we went to bed and I took it off in the bathroom, put it in a drawer and I was angry at that point.

+1 y

He noticed I was bummed with it - couldn't pretend anymore - and "oh.. but we can still do it now" - this after 3h of movies and yawning 2 minutes before. He ******* farted a second before saying this. I answered sarcastically: "no doubt we could do it but we won't because I'm overwhelmed by your ability to build up the mood and all the efforts you made since 18pm". It was THE FIRST TIME EVER in 3 YEARS I refused sex.

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Anonymous
+1 y
Three-four years is normally the time when one partner ceases to get charged by sex. Usually it's the woman; but nowadays it can be the guy losing interest too!

I see a lot of myself in what you describe above...

My partner was more into sex when we got started, and wanted it every time. (Now the tables have quite turned, and I once tried to see how long she could go without thinking of sex -- it was three months... before I GAVE UP!)

The fact that she was more keen (and suggested sex every night) made it seem like work for me. Also, I was in a point of my career which was rather stressful; so the last thing I wanted was having to "work" every night!

Also, she was more experienced than me at that stage, so...

The point about morning sex, I've read in many places that guys have a testosterone rush at that time of the day. I too find it far more easier to have sex in the mornings...

Frankly, the p*rn boom (which came with the Internet) helped me to spark up my imagination...

As for positions, you've got to keep trying!

My partner would no way agree to doggie style, saying she found it too "animal like". Now that's our favourite position. She would just go down on her knees (on the bed). Seeing her submissive (she isn't in real life!) charges me up.

Somewhere in our sex life, I hit an air pocket, and was unable to come, even after thrusting for 30 to 60 minutes! It was painful, and finshing with a hand, humiliating!

The doggie style we opt for now is a boon. When we're on the right bed (angle is just right), I could come in seven minutes... (or prolongue it if she wants). So finding your position right is important. Also, it might not be fair to blame him just because he changed his mind about woman-on-top! Preferences do change with time.

That's sex for you!
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- helloam
  +1 y
  I do agree with everything you said and I'm quite aware things change with time. For him and me. But we do have sex often, and I think it's balanced. We don't do it every night because there's no energy for that but we do it often & there is no way me or him would go 3 months without sex. What I feel is that it's getting harder for him to do it without being over morning glories. But even then it would be OK if he at least could give me a bit of time to ..idk, really wake up and feel teased.
- helloam
  +1 y
  But I feel used. Used not "in that sense" but used as in..."you're there and I need this so wake up and start working!". As for doggie style it's one of my favorite positions ever and actually one of the first times we were together I bended in bed suggesting it and he was quite surprised to find a women who enjoyed it:"are you sure.."(kind of smiling) and I went: "really?.. I love it!". Now it's his ONLY position. When I was talking about positions without contact it's this
- helloam
  +1 y
  Because he could grab me and do all sorts of things, fondle breasts, bend over me, I mean a thousand things. He doesn't. It's "wham bam thank you mam" IF he actually finishes.
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- helloam
  +1 y
  I had an open talk with him. I told him the truth..but avoiding hurting him. I asked if he could do some foreplay, and other things. He said he already does O.o I think he thinks one "mornin' kiss" before is foreplay? He has NO IDEA what I'm talking about. And he got.. kind of angry?...Like promissing to make an effort but at the same time looking angry. One thing I noticed...idk if I'm being fair here..he's really well endowed & I think in his mind he thinks..it's enough?..
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  You're describing typical male behaviour here. Specially selfish male behaviour! I used to be this way when younger... specially as (i) my partner expected sex everyday and it was getting to be hard work for me (ii) I wasn't experienced with multiple sexual partners, and hadn't gained my sexual awakening yet (iii) my partner was pretty unorgasmic and I felt it was futile however much I tried.
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  As suggested by ksertherope, it could also be a question of how often does he masturbate. There was a time when I was getting far less then I needed from my partner, and I took to masturbating to fill the gap. I found it hard to climax, because I was used to much more rigorous sex. As for "feeling used", sex can often be unmatched, one-sided. It's best if you check out 'sensate focus' online, where each session aims at pleasing one partner, and then taking turns. Trying to satisfy both is tough
- helloam
  +1 y
  Thank you so much you've been helpful. A male friend of mine - the only one I'd ever talk to ab these things, he's my best friend for ages now and it's not even my bf's friend, so it's cool - actually told me to refrain myself from morning sex. Like refuse it, tell my boyfriend I'd like to do later instead. He also warned me that he could be watching too much p*rn/masturbating and that this can be the reason he's not being able to finish with me though he was aroused at first.Opinion?Tnks!:)
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  About this night-morning thingy: I've been through it. My partner is a morning person. I'm almost always working late into the night. But then, she hates morning sex (the house can get busy, someone might drop in at this time) while I love it. My understanding is that a lot of guys just have a higher testosterone level in the mornings. So why not make use of it?
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  Suddenly he might not feel stimulated by you anymore. May not want sex. The usual advice is: dump him. I don't agree. If you're determined, you've got to work to take it to the higher level. To work to re-enkindle the spark. It's not easy! (We started watching p*rn together!) See this book, it might explain some things: link
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  About not climaxing... my problem was that (i) was not getting regular sex (ii) took to masturbating (iii) after childbirth, no longer felt the tightness (or eagerness) in my partner. These things, put together, made it hard for me to climax during sex. She would also realize that the more I masturbated, the longer I took to come. Sorted it out with a change of sex positions (doggie style really works!)
- helloam
  +1 y
  Oh I do make use of it..it's the only time he's totally aroused though sometimes even then I have to finish him :/ I used to like morning sex when it was over weekends/occasional,I was well rested and we had the time.Now.. because it's the only thing that works & at the same time I get no attention whatsoever..I got tired. He doesn't seem to worry because I didn't come in 10 min after waking up and over a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' style. I can only try to make him see this is not making me happy..
- helloam
  +1 y
  I agree with you. When 2 people want it they can take it to a higher level.Dumping someone I truly love over this would only happen if there was no effort at all to balance things, and for a long time. I suggested p*rn once.He was more embarrassed then me and didn't seem to enjoy the idea.I will keep trying. Thank you for the link & the 'sensate focus' tip. If he rejects this or ignores or keeps making me feel "not good enough"..for a long time..then I'll see :( thank you so much!
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  My experience -- the more I chased my partner (and demanded she do justice to my sexual needs), the cooler she turned out to be! It was verrrry frustrating. Was your experience the same? I just then spoke to her. Told her of where her obstinacy and lack of concern could lead too. (We have kids, they would be the worst sufferers.) She came round to lying-down-and-enjoying-it (I know feminists on this list won't take kindly, but what's to be done in a sexual mismatch?)
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  I try to get it at least twice weekly... and include some massage sessions, some hand-jobs (for both of us, and this really helps her climax... though strangely enough she will start almost every time saying she doesn't want a climax, but ends up enjoying it). It keeps me going, with a bit of taking care of myself.
  
  About delayed male orgasms, see this link
  
  It can be really frustrating for a guy too. But mixed with p*rn, massage, mutual masbn...
- helloam
  +1 y
  I believe in tolerance that's why I've been tolerant for over 6 months of this now. But deep inside I know that if I don't feel like I'm enough and end having to finish him v often and at the same time "uses me" as a "handy thing" to have by morning and solve his needs without mine beeing 10% considered...then I know I'll break internally. It starts breaking your ego to pieces. I haven't had an orgasm in 3 months (with him) because of this.
- helloam
  +1 y
  And so if this happens now, and if he doesn't change a bit, I can only imagine what would happen to me after 10, 20+ years into a relationship. Plus, knowing how he was and how he is now, if this lasts for a long time I wouldn't be so sure he wouldn't go try to find that exitement elsewhere, and his not the cheating type but I wouldn't dismiss the possibility. I just couldn't. I've seen this happen in old couples way too much. If he is frustrated or tired of me I'll sooner or later have to
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  Just try something different! Please. It might really work. That was my own case. Everything was going downhill till we "discovered' doggie-style on one particular bed! Another thing that works for her is me masturbating her to climax... Unfortunately she won't agree to an oily massage (which I'm a great fan of). Watching p*rn together also works for her. The other thing, keep in mind, is that after climax, the partner who comes loses all interest! Not just guys.
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  I think you're over-thinking this issue. Because it's bad now doesn't mean it would be worse later! 2-3 years back, I just couldn't see where it was going for us. Now, things have cleared up a lot. It's at least tolerable for me... (I'm also not the cheating type, but did flirt around emotionally, and online, not physically, to keep myself going!) DO you feel he has had his "sexual awakening" yet? Some of these things are very age-related, and sometimes improve with time! Hard to believe.
- helloam
  +1 y
  come to a conclusion. And if after all efforts I still get only a cold morning action & he still somehow keeps making me feel like I'm not enough, then I know I'll break. I would never believe he was 100% happy with me and he'll end up breaking me internally, this will bring problems. But this is the worst case scenario. I do hope he understands things & I will be patient
- helloam
  +1 y
  Oh no "sexual awakening" yet no. He's closer to a 20y old than a 30y old regarding intimacy. Masturbating me to climax? That makes me want to laugh lol I tried giving him tips more than once but he didn't seem interested & then never tried. Right now the only thing he does is expect me to be wet when I wake up & open my legs. Things are this bad. I will keep trying though and I will talk (gently, not pointing fingers) more. Like I said, I do hope things turn around. Thank you
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  If the sex isn't good between a couple, anything can be an irritant! Specially because it reminds you that your partner doesn't care. Read this cry of despair, which is something you or me could identify with perhaps: link
  
  I found sex very stressful in my late 20s (when I first got involved), because it was a tough time in my career. Also, my partner wanted it more than me, and she hardly climaxed, so I kept feeling I was doing it wrong
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  The turning point came after she stopped wanting it (ironically!) Also, I encountered a lady who was very confident about her own sexuality, which made me feel very confident about mine. In a way, my own sexual awakening came rather late, only I saw things in context. Sometimes our religious upbringing can also make us very uptight. Catholic?
- helloam
  +1 y
  Neither him or me pay any attention to religion at all. I'm not married and we don't have kids also. I'll give him time, I'll talk and I'll keep trying all sorts of things. Over time, If I keep feeling there is no understanding, or doesn't try to meet me halfway/makes a little effort, or if simply lost his interest hence the lack of effort, then I'll have my answer..thanks !
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  The problem is seeing this as unique to us! I think it's a much more widespread trend.
- helloam
  +1 y
  I already got my answer. It was a money thing. He was loosing interest in me and in the relationship because he started to understand - due to recent events - that even if he ever married me, he wouldn't live a 'better life'. Once he got that, he started looking elswhere. Once he found her, waited 8 days to be sure she would be his girlfriend (she had no idea he was with me), and then he broke off with me over the phone in less then 7min and never said another word.
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  Are you sure? Money or no money, it's absolutely normal to fall 'out of love' some 3-4 years after you fall into it...
- helloam
  +1 y
  Yes, it was.There are such people called sociopaths, and we (including me) thing "they're out there" but you'd be smart enough to figure them out. The thing is, they are EXTREMELY intelligent, learn how to fake emotions, behaviours, gestures, etc etc. But they have no emotions. They want something: they go get it and do/fake WHATEVER it takes to manipulate a situation,person,relationship,etc.
Anonymous
+1 y
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like you are doing everything right. I think he must be going though something himself. Something psychological perhaps.

Does he have any issues with depression or anxiety? Job issues?

How is your relationship outside of sex? Are there any unresolved conflicts or things creating tension?
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- helloam
  +1 y
  Nop,nop and nop...Nothing out of the ordinary is happening, and even his job is going pretty well actually. Outside of sex we're very caring towards one another. Just now I had an open talk with him. I told him the truth..but avoiding hurting him. I asked if he could do some foreplay, and other things. He said he already does O.o I think he thinks one kiss boyfriend going to bed is foreplay? A hug is foreplay? He has NO IDEA what I'm talking about. And he got.. kind of angry?...
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  OK, so everything is good aside from sex. With respect to sex, the problems are: 1) He is not interested in having sex as much as you'd like 2) He is not turned on like he used to be 3) When you do have sex he is not meeting your needs
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  1 and 2 are difficult to diagnose without more info. 3 makes me wonder if there are also needs of his that are not being met. Are there? How sure are you? How can you find out? For obvious reasons, it is more difficult for a man to fake interest than for a woman. What can be done to spark his interest, enthusiasm and sexual energy? I know a bunch of questions are not very helpful but I think communication is going to be key. Without more of it you may be in trouble.
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- helloam
  +1 y
  1) Oh no, we're balanced there. We both have less sex but it's still often, no one wants it more than the other. The problem it's not the quantity but the quality, and having shifted from having sex whenever we'd feel like to mornings only. 2) That's what I'm afraid. Using morning - because it's easier for him - to hide the will to do it on other occasions. Is it possible? (Asking you) 3)Yes, he's not, at all. But he thinks he is - like my previous comment
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  I'm not sure I understand you question in #2 (in parentheses). Can you clarify? I get the sense that this is all about him not meeting your needs. I don't see you talking at all about his needs. Do you understand them, or do you think you wearing lingerie and being willing are all he needs from you? Reading through everything you've written here I just keep coming back to that. It all seems more about you that him. Am I wrong?
- helloam
  +1 y
  About question 2 I was wondering if a man,at a certain point, doesn't feel as aroused as before by someone, starts to focus on mornings - as it's generally "easier" since, like the other user said, "guys have a testosterone rush at that time of the day". As for me, before I reached this point, I went through these stages: 1) fufilled his biggest sexual fantasy. 2) would ask him, from time to time, if there was something I could improve, if there was something he'd like me to do
- helloam
  +1 y
  sometimes I was playful other times I'd ask in a more serious way. All I got was that sexual fantasy, and he was thrilled then and happy when I made it happen. This was months ago. Other than that I got a compliment that actually made me blush lol. 3) I was still feeling like crap because whatever I did the 50-50 chance of me having to finish him + morning sex only, I turned the internet upside down. Forums, all sorts of links, sites, tips, statistics, men' s sites, and even lots of p*rn.
- helloam
  +1 y
  I learned a few new things and I even got exited to try them with him! 5) so yes I bought lingerie but that's FAR from being the effing thing I think a man needs. I'm not stupid. So yes it was the last thing I tried and I felt effing good in it and it's his problem if he dismissed me that night, sorry. I know men can get easily annoyed whenever a woman complains ab something but yes this time I'm making things about me because in 3 years I refused sex for the FIRST TIME EVER when I did my best
- helloam
  +1 y
  and got an effing fart before going to bed. And if you really read everything,specially the answers I gaveI kheserthorpe , I think you should at least think that MAYBE there are guys who - like the other user said - tend to be quite selfish when young at least and then try to give pointers to HELP, not to turn around things.
- helloam
  +1 y
  I'm sorry I got mad. because this is actually frustrating me and making me feel horrible despite all efforts. It's not OK and we do love each other that's why this is hard for me. And it's someone no one should ever feel..like 'not good enough'. Imagine a woman you truly love never having sex with you when you wanted (timing, not quantity) and then when she did, half the way through she'd pick a vibrator and you'd go totally out of the picture and then she'd come. It's like me and the BJ to him.
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  OK, so I asked some difficult questions and you answered them, albeit defensively. You had not answered them before now, but now you have. I can't fault you for anything. You sound like a great lover. I can only think you need to talk more with him. I hope he is not as selfish as he sounds. If he is, you certainly deserve better. Best of luck to you.
- helloam
  +1 y
  Thank you and again sorry for getting a bit angry with the other answer. I will keep talking to him and trying to see if he actually lost interest or if he is actually OK with things and then that's just how he is afterall. I can't even picture breaking up with him but ..I won't be happy feeling like crap either..but I will break at some point..I can't feel like I'm not 'good enough' forever..nor take a morning glory without an inch of dedication as the only thing I can get..idk.. Thank you..
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  No apology necessary. I totally understand. Here's a thought: sometimes guys need a kick in the ass to remember how good they have it. He may benefit from being reminded how lucky he is. I don't mean you should tell him, but rather that he needs to realize it is not a given that you will be in his life forever. He needs to know that there is a chance you might leave him if he does not treat you right.
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  If I were you I would not give him ultimatums or anything like that, but talk with him and let him know you are unhappy with things as they are but that you want to work with him to make it better. Show him your love but also make it clear you are not satisfied with things as they are. Don't let him stay settled in a comfort zone. Slowly turn up the heat until he responds favorably...or blows up. :)
- helloam
  +1 y
  Thank you I will do just that too. And I get you, pointing fingers is never the way. I'll keep trying things and talk. And if he didn't loose interest after all, then "pray to the lords" he gets me & starts to make an effort to meet me sometimes. Thank you
- helloam
  +1 y
  I already got my answer. It was a money thing. He was loosing interest in me and in the relationship because he started to understand - due to recent events - that even if he ever married me, he wouldn't live a 'better life'. Once he got that, he started looking elswhere. Once he found her, waited 8 days to be sure she would be his girlfriend (she had no idea he was with me), and then he broke off with me over the phone in less then 7min and never said another word.
- Opinion Owner
  +1 y
  I'm very sorry he put you though that. You're definitely better off without that asshole though.

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kheserthorpe Master
+1 y
How often are you having sex?

Do you have any idea how much he masturbates?
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- helloam
  +1 y
  Right now -as in really recently, the problems I described were happening before this - we can only see each other from Friday nights to Monday mornings due to our jobs. So we spend 4 nights in a row togetherand the entire days too, catching up and enjoying every minute. Before we'd do it every other night, it was OK at least for us - but it's like I said... even then it had to be during mornings.. Now he keeps doing the same thing even though we're 4 days straight without seeing each other.
- helloam
  +1 y
  Nothing actually changed because of this situation actually. It's only temporary so it's fine. RIght now he can masturbate every night, I wouldn't know. I do know, as I always did, he'd watch p*rn now and then. Never bothered me, I know how to separate things. And it wasn't even often. We'd talk ab it, he never hided it neither I'd want him too. It's not an issue. & please don't think he's like this because he met someone new, I know he didn't and his behaviour lasts for months now & nothing changed
- helloam
  +1 y
  But I forgot to answer the most important part. Right now I wouldn't know, but I know he'd do it often before. Not every night though.
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- helloam
  +1 y
  oh and spending 4 nights in a row = sex 4 mornings in a row, or 3 mornings with one failed attempt of me trying to do it in the afternoon or night, and by failed attempt I mean I have to finish him. He almost always wakes up aroused and this is what happens so you truly understand (graphic): Him: eyes closed, half asleep, starts poking me.I wake up. Pokes once, twice, and then I'd better be awake and exited because a minute later he's ready and I guess a kiss is foreplay enough for him.
- fnfnfnfn
  +1 y
  After 3-7 years, strange things can happen in a relationship. My partner just went off me, for no rhyme or reason. It was a terrible rejection! It's just that the honeymoon phase can get over for one or the other partner. This happens with most couples (and tends to get worse if there are kids around). It's NOBODY's fault. It's one of those things that just happens! Check out if this is at play.
- helloam
  +1 y
  I already got my answer. It was a money thing. He was loosing interest in me and in the relationship because he started to understand - due to recent events - that even if he ever married me, he wouldn't live a 'better life'. Once he got that, he started looking elswhere. Once he found her, waited 8 days to be sure she would be his girlfriend (she had no idea he was with me), and then he broke off with me over the phone in less then 7min and never said another word.
- kheserthorpe
  +1 y
  My initial feeling was to tell you I'm sorry. And I am for the pain you've endured. But seriously, I'm happy you're rid of him, I see better days ahead.
NonchalantBro Explorer
+1 y
Dump him. Move on.
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Long term boyfriend is sexually frustrated? Which is making me frustrated too, what can I do?

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